burningdesires47
Posts: 120
Joined: 2/22/2007
Status: offline
|
Consider this a philosophical question, posed as an actual situation that brought forth questions worthy of debate.
Alright, so I have a relatively vanilla primary partner of three years, who may be into the rough sex, a little slap and tickle, and knowledge about kink in general, but has no desire to be part of the larger kink community, or a D/s relationship, and has a preference for very vanilla sex. I am a switch, currently looking to sub to someone, and without any kinky partners. We're polyamorous, which in this instance only actually applies because it means negotiating relationship boundaries is not completely foreign to us.
We come from different backgrounds. White lower-middle class suburban girl who grew up with abusive parents who turned loving later in life (at least toward me, though they still always fight) in a poverty-stricken primarily black school district meets black urban kid who grew up in white prep schools with a single mom for most of it beyond the first few years of life. I'm not 100% sure any of that really matters, but we do communicate differently, as people are wont to do. I'm quick to jump in with my opinion, he's apt to sit and stew and let silence reign until he bursts. What it means is that in an argument, I'm usually cutting him off and he's usually ignoring me (or seeming to). He also has a tendency to try and walk away from an argument, and walking away when I'm talking to you--whether it be on IM or in person--is the quickest way to piss me off and get me totally irrational. It makes me feel as if I and our relationship are not worth their time.
He dotes on me. I have a chronic illness and he tries to take care of me, but it is trying and he sometimes feels I get too used to him waiting on me. Betimes I do, too. He feels I don't respect his opinion. I feel it's difficult to respect someone's opinion when they either don't have one or refuse to share it. I feel he doesn't talk to me and I don't know him. He feels if he's expected to speak, I should direct a specific question at him and pull teeth to get a response that is more than three words. I feel communication is about sharing, and maybe I would know what to ask him about if he simply talked once in a while. He feels like I think he can't do anything right--and he's not entirely wrong on that front. I feel like it's not that difficult to follow directions, and the reason I don't "screw up all the time" is because when he gives me directions on a task he'd like accomplished, I follow them as he directed rather than dismissing them out of hand and either ignoring the task or doing it "wrong." On the other hand, I also think that making a huge scene every time he does something right--which is more often--is even more demeaning than the times I point out the wrong. And he doesn't "see" how often I do things wrong, because when he says so, I simply fix it rather than make a huge whiny deal about it.
So all that being said....
I see ways in which I can change. My behavior, my attitude, my habits, ways that I believe would make him happy, some of which he has expressed. The lack of strife between us, as we plan a future and a wedding and a marriage and a life together, would make me extremely happy. He has ways he can change too, but this isn't about that right now. I'm not blameless in this, and it is only myself I can make choices for.
Whether these behaviors are "my nature," is part of the question. Moreso, even if they are, a part of my nature is to grow and learn, to become a better person. So choosing to change these behaviors isn't entirely out of character for me. Rebelling against pressure that I see as smothering or unwanted authority is also in my nature, and thus the simple fact that he INSIST that I stop doing something, even if *I* want to stop doing it, makes me want to rebel against it, and at best simply refuse to put effort into changing. It's a matter of being told, "you've cut me off while I was speaking again" and me apologizing versus "STOP cutting me off" and me screaming "NO."
I reiterate here: he's not my dom.
But the question becomes: What if I were to become the perfect submissive to him? Do as he asks, apologize and perhaps discipline myself as necessary when I've done something to displease him, put his needs and wants entirely before mine rather than alongside or mine first as is my nature, treat him with the respect due a superior rather than an equal. Cut just short of calling him Sir.
Is that forcing him into a D/s relationship against his will? Without foreknowledge of kink and its common rules of consent, would there even be a question of a "problem" with that decision, given that it could be viewed as simply making my lover happy? WITH such knowledge, does that change the nature of the necessary "discussions" that must be had? One would think that as long as it makes him happy (as presumably me) then it doesn't matter if he consented first or not. But I can't know for certain it WOULD make him happy, and then wouldn't it just be me imposing my will onto him? In which case I lose the model of the perfect submissive, in which case does it still make it D/s? Or is it simply doing as my lover has asked, and extrapolating "I want you to respect me" into what I feel is appropriate, into what I think he feels would be appropriate based on expressed and implied desires?
At what point does following your partner's wishes become D/s? At what point does consent need to be explicit rather than implicit? At what point is making the decision to change my behavior really a decision to become someone other than myself? Where is the line between changing what is mutually seen as a flaw and changing one's whole personality and way of interacting with people?
As I said, philosophical questions, with my own situation given for example. I expect I'll receive replies regarding my own situation, and certainly that's part of my intent. But I also hope to receive replies more in the realm of the theoretical, the grander scheme of relationships and life. Because I put my thoughts out for general speculation just as much as advice that may pertain to me.
|
Defining actions impacting consent and relationships - 
Profile
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread