Jayray
Posts: 9
Joined: 9/21/2005
Status: offline
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I post here tonight with a deep ache in my heart. After 10 utterly wonderful years, my sub, j, and I broke up today. I'm in despair over it.
We met in a chat room called "femsub" in 1998 and things blossomed from there. We were both married to vanilla partners at the time -- and I still am. But her life situation changed. She eventually separated from her husband was single for several years.
I first collared her in 1999 -- a seasonal collar she wore from September to June. Each year her submission to me deepened. Living in separate states, we were only able to see each other 3 or 4 times a year, but whenever we got together it was incredibly adventurous, kinky and intimate. We played frequently via phone and eventually grew into our own version of a 24/7 power exchange. This amazing woman taught me to be a Dom. She loved that in me which I had struggled to accept and embrace for years. Simply put, with her loving submission, she utterly changed my life.
Despite her love and devotion to me, however, she was lonely and without a life partner, a man to go with her to her company's annual picnic or spend weekends with her antiquing. She needed something that I could not give her -- and so, I encouraged her to find it.
Last September, for the first time since we met, we agreed that she would not be collared. I believed that this would free her energy in some important manner and allow her to attract someone else into her life. I knew it was a risk, but I put my love for her before my desire to keep her to myself -- no easy task. I knew she would find someone eventually -- but I never thought that her entering into a new relationship would mean the end of ours. But it did.
Through an online dating site, j found a new man by November and an intimacy between them quickly developed. She told him about me -- she was aspiring to the "Ethical Slut" code of behavior, which as I understand it is essentially "love me for who I am on my own terms." Nice idea, but frequently not practical. The bottom line: he could not accept our relationship.
j and I did get together again -- just last month -- and indeed it caused upheaval with him. Fearing that I was about to lose her, I offered her my collar again, which she accepted. But under these circumstances, it could not last.
Just last weekend, while j was out of state visiting her mother, her new man accused her of being with me and more upheaval in their relationship insued. Finally, it became painfully clear to me that I had become a major issue in j's new relationship and that
the best thing I can do for her was to release her. And so, today, on her birthday no less, I did. She tearfully and "reluctantly" accepted, saying that I was doing the right thing AND that I was "the greatest love of her life."
Because BDSM is such a secret part of my life there are not many people I can talk to about this. I hope this posting is deemed appropriate here.
Even as I wonder if, given my life-circumstances, I will ever find another sub, I know that no one could ever replace j. She has left a permanent mark on me -- and now that she is gone, I ache...
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Broken-Hearted Dom - 
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