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.complaining instead of accepting. - 4/30/2008 8:18:03 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
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  • Anti family/children doms.
  • dominants that want you to get on your knees.
  • dominants that cheat and lie.
  • dominants that change the protocol/agreement/contract without 'caring'.
  • subs that top from the bottom.
  • subs that cheat and lie.
  • subs that want only 'sugar daddies'.
  • pro dommes or female dominants that demand tributes.
  • bad dominants and submissives that attend munches/groups/parties that one person doesn't like/agree with and black listing.
  • allegedly abusive people and situations where Ds/Ms or BDSM may be involved.


Seriously - I think I must be living a sheltered life or something.  Yes I occasionally 'meet' some of these people and have even been contacted by them - but can I say the word - 'rare'?  And if I do - I don't let them infect or touch my life to any big extent.
 
So that said, why oh why is it that threads appear so consistantly and frequently - often by new posters or those with new profiles - bemoaning these and many other negative situations?  Threats to leave BDSM because of all the badbad people.
 
Or is it that not that BDSM isn't full of these allegedly bad people, but instead, full of people who don't/can't/won't make healthy and productive decisions for their own lives and accept that its themselves that are the fucking-uppers, not those they so readily want to shift the blame onto?  Is it all unrealistic expectations being placed on people they don't even know?  Are there magnets to suffering?
 
I still maintain that BDSM peeps are no different to the world in general, they come from it hey - I see no seperation in assholes or stupid behaviour, regardless of the 'lifestyle' someone claims to lead.  But is it that people expect too much of others, when they are actually more fucked up than the others they have expectations of - but they just don;t like to admit and want to place the 'blame' elsewhere instead of accepting any responsibility for getting into the wrong 'place' in the first instance?
 
the.dark.

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RE: .complaining instead of accepting. - 4/30/2008 8:24:26 AM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		Because it pisses people off to not be treated the way they think others should. It comes from a sense of entitlement.

For instance, I will have nothing to do with morbidly obese women-I chose never to have children-and see no reason to deal with those who do. I also don't like people who smoke and do drugs.

I'm sure that sort of thing gives those who ARE in those categories a feeling of resentment or sadness at times. I'm also in categories that place me outside of the bounds of what others want.

Which is no big deal,because I can accept thier chioces as being as valid as mine. And I don't need validation from EVERYONE on the planet to survive.

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RE: .complaining instead of accepting. - 4/30/2008 8:28:12 AM   
gypsygrl


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Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline 		And complaining about the complainers?  Whats up with that?

[Ok, somebody has to say it.  It might as well be me. :)]

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RE: .complaining instead of accepting. - 4/30/2008 8:31:20 AM   
mistoferin


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark Or is it that not that BDSM isn't full of these allegedly bad people, but instead, full of people who don't/can't/won't make healthy and productive decisions for their own lives and accept that its themselves that are the fucking-uppers, not those they so readily want to shift the blame onto?  Is it all unrealistic expectations being placed on people they don't even know?  Are there magnets to suffering?

 
um dark....you said that OUT LOUD
(just in case you didn't realize )

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RE: .complaining instead of accepting. - 4/30/2008 8:35:48 AM   
mzbehavin


Posts: 253
Joined: 1/15/2008
Status: offline 		For me, it was the "ideal" that turned out to be a disappointment. Upon reflection i now see it was unrealistic to think a D/s relationship would be somehow more sacred or more this or more that. Its still a relationship with the good the bad and the ugly.
However, i was taught that those in the lifestyle held a higher level of integrity in general. They do not, that was one Mans perspective. He is still a mentor to me and i only wish more people had his level of honor.
As for online, yes i think there is a higher percentage of crazypeople. Its a feeding ground for them. One just has to learn their way. Broken hearts litter the road. Tread lightly.

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RE: .complaining instead of accepting. - 4/30/2008 8:38:04 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
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quote:

ORIGINAL: gypsygrl

And complaining about the complainers?  Whats up with that?

[Ok, somebody has to say it.  It might as well be me. :)]



Ya thinks that is complaining? Sheesh - Darcy will confirm this is not me complaining!  If I was, y'all would know it, I would get my money back, six months free membership AND a free gift.I am all for getting poop off ones chest should their be a need to.  Nothing worse that bottling up shit and getting all depressed on it.  Nope, I ain't complaining.
I am considering that people who place unfair expectations on someone and then call them 'fake' or whatever the in thing is to name call these days are choosing badly in the first place - but can't accept they may be doing something wrong and it's not all one sided.
 
the.dark.

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RE: .complaining instead of accepting. - 4/30/2008 8:39:26 AM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline 		My feeling is that sometimes forums give a false view of people as lots of people run here to post when they have had a relationship go sour or they want to bitch and gripe but when things are going well they don't feel the need to shout this from the roof tops as well. 

For new people this must cast a shadow over this amazing life that they imagine bdsm is about - who would have thought that it has the same pluses and minuses that vanilla life has, you still need to work on communication, common sense and it helps to have a minimal amount of intelligence.

In my life I have come across a few people who seem to stumble from one bad experience to another, having the same things happen, asking the same questions - "why did it happen to me?" - I find it easier to not spend too much of my time around them as it is energy-sapping and ultimately unhealthy for me - yes this sounds and is probably callous of me.

I tend to be one of those sickening glass half full people and prefer to spend my energy finding things to be thankful for.

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RE: .complaining instead of accepting. - 4/30/2008 8:39:32 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Reality can be an ugly, scary thing. The complainers, those who have a laundry list of what THIER perfect world would be, havent actually experienced it much. Or, they have, and they found it lacking and so they are trying to build something more idealistic and less realistic. Whether it will ever work or not has not been factored  into the equation. They know what they want, and have decided that they will not settle.. even if that means they wil never FIND what they want exactly.

My 2 semi awake cents
DV


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RE: .complaining instead of accepting. - 4/30/2008 8:39:54 AM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		I honestly feel like so much of it is this media.. the internet.. collar me, the other sites out there.. alt.. bondage ...

I see these things in the offline community but I don't hear as much complaining about it; its not as concentrated and it just seems to be a lot less.

Unfortunately, because of the anonymous nature of the internet, certain people are more likely to do things here than in situations based solely offline. 

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RE: .complaining instead of accepting. - 4/30/2008 8:40:27 AM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		People only seem to accentuate the bad things. We rarely hear about the good things. Things that seem bad get more forum time it seems.

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RE: .complaining instead of accepting. - 4/30/2008 8:41:05 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
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quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin
um dark....you said that OUT LOUD
(just in case you didn't realize )



Uhuh.... come erin - take a walk on the wild side with me...
 
the.dark.

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RE: .complaining instead of accepting. - 4/30/2008 8:43:25 AM   
OmegaG


Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline 		I have been through periods of my life when I couldn't make the correct decisions if my life depended on it.  For example, I went through a period of time when relationships were readily available to me and I flitted from one to another to another with no time between to maintain my self identity.  After a while I could only identfy as part of a couple and being in a relationship with another human was more important then waiting for a quality relationship.  It was disaster for me as I became involved with a man who committed crimes, didn't hold a job and walked all over me, but I stuck with him because I'd forgotten how to be me all by myself.

That's behind me, thankfully.

When I read many of the whine threads, I think that most of the complainers are either too impatient to wait for compatibility or they think that nagging can change the person they've set their sights on.  Either way I don't think it's healthy. 

Personally, I think that there are a pair of shoes for every outfit, and if I'm willing to hold off buyint a pair of shoes until I find the ones that are perfect, why would I jump into a relationship faster then I'd buy those shoes?  But many people are impulse buyers, and impulse relationshipers and they rarely take off their rose colored glasses until after they've made the committment with someone they haven't fully learned about and then they wonder how they got to be so miserable.

That's my verbose way of saying, I agree with your post.

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RE: .complaining instead of accepting. - 4/30/2008 8:49:34 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
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quote:

ORIGINAL: wandersalone
In my life I have come across a few people who seem to stumble from one bad experience to another, having the same things happen, asking the same questions - "why did it happen to me?" - I find it easier to not spend too much of my time around them as it is energy-sapping and ultimately unhealthy for me - yes this sounds and is probably callous of me.

I tend to be one of those sickening glass half full people and prefer to spend my energy finding things to be thankful for.


Well, I must sound callous too then wanders - because I am the same.  I don't have time to waste on those that wallow in the 'why me?'.  I don't believe it is callous - it's knowing your own - and being honest with others.
And ya rock - ya always have for me.
 
the.dark.

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RE: .complaining instead of accepting. - 4/30/2008 8:51:24 AM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
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From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark
I still maintain that BDSM peeps are no different to the world in general...

I think that sums it up.

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RE: .complaining instead of accepting. - 4/30/2008 8:53:37 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		Ok, ok....I guess I have to admit I'm callous too. I tend to stay as far away from toxic people as I can lest their poison spill into my life...and I see people who can not see their own personal responsibility in their situations as toxic.



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Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

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RE: .complaining instead of accepting. - 4/30/2008 8:55:06 AM   
dawntreader


Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline 		dark,

i get the impression that many who come to the BDSM side of things are pulling at their last straws for a relationship, feeling there is some kind of garantee in the so called "ethics of kink". i have found this realm to be no different than the default world except that i sense more desperateness here because i feel many ride in here on their weaknesses and needs instead of what they may have to offer of value. Perhaps this comes from the D/s dynamic, i don't know.
 
i do know when i first came here it was from a place of need and lack of substance and i recieved the same in return, hence unfulfilling experiences. It was not until i started to get to know myself that things turned around and i realized i did not need any of this - i merely desired it.
 
Perhaps if the whiners changed their perspective, they would change their results. Certainly worth a try and it is TOTALLY free

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RE: .complaining instead of accepting. - 4/30/2008 8:58:52 AM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

And ya rock - ya always have for me.
 
the.dark.

 
wow thankyou for the kind words the.dark.

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RE: .complaining instead of accepting. - 4/30/2008 9:01:50 AM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		the.dark - i think a lot of people that have trouble with relationships -vanilla and otherwise,  DON'T know themselves. Thats why they make bad choices.
The person i was at 25 was an idiot - and ended up in a relationship doomed to end badly, and 12 years past the end of that relationship i can see why.  I think there are many wise 25 y/o's, but probably more that are still finding themselves - and there are people that will never figure out who they are, and what they want, and so, never find a fufilling relationship.  And people who end up on cm complaining about the end of another relationship- without trying to find out why the relationship failed, and learn from it- are some of these people.
And of course - someone else can't tell them - they have to find it out for themselves.

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RE: .complaining instead of accepting. - 4/30/2008 9:09:09 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I think it shows the difference between a person with healthy self esteem and boundaries and those without. There are people who don't really think they deserve better so they keep replicating unhealthy patterns from their pasts.

Until people recognize that the only common factor in all their relationships is them, and take steps to change themselves, they can't get out of where they are.

Very sad.

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RE: .complaining instead of accepting. - 4/30/2008 9:22:51 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Offers to give Leatherist the only validation he will ever need. $19.95 plus shipping  and handling. Anyway. All said and done this is an interesting place.  

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