Advice after 1st meeting

Advice after 1st meeting (Full Version)

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teasemeallnight -> Advice after 1st meeting (5/1/2008 3:00:59 AM)
I am asking for advice. I am a novice sub guy lower 40's who had a date (vanilla) with a lower 20's dominant woman. I met her online almost a year ago but she was with another sub...I kept in touch Thur e-mail every two months or so, just basically saying Hi. One month ago she e-mailed me asking if I was still looking for a dome, she her sub and she had split After a couple of e-mail exchanges she called me...we had a 20 minute vanilla phone call, which went well I think and led to a meeting We met on her turf and what was supposed to be a coffee date turned into five hours of a long walk, short dinner, a drink, ect..... We talked only a little about D/s and when we did it was generic..not about me and her..... Being a novice and on a vanilla date I ant sure how to act....I wanted to kiss her feet but didnt....she told some story of a ritual cropping, not exactly sure but I didn't say would be fun to use the crop on me.....she asked me about other dommes I have met and I didn't say much, being there wasn't any great meetings.... I kissed her on the cheek a few times and she said it was nice....I told her she had pretty eyes and she said I did too and I also had a nice smile....I said I hope to see her again (toward end of date) and she made a vanilla suggestion which we had talked about earlier One and a half days after the date I emailed her to thank her and told her I was looking forward to seeing her again She didn't return my email.... three days after that I called her...I didn't leave a message but she called me right back from her cell phone...she didn't know who had called her...I told her it was me and she said she was busy (it was loud, she was out somewhere) and could she call me back///I said sure....she didn't I didn't think she was going to call me back because her tone was not great when she knew it was me... it is now three more days...and I need advice...Is it over..should I forget her and move on.... I was very taken by her...her look, her intelligence and her dominance(though I guess I really didn't see much of it).... Thanks for reading and any thoughts you may have Rick

Madame4a -> RE: Advice after 1st meeting (5/1/2008 3:37:33 AM)
One thing you should remember.. you can have a really good time but not be willing to do it again... and yes, I'm saying that because it does sound to me like its over. That said, I don't know that for sure and neither do you. Unfortunately, it seems that some people just can't seem to say "thanks but no thanks" but rather leave people in a place of confusion with silence. Silence is, however, a position. I would guess its over.

MistressVnus -> RE: Advice after 1st meeting (5/1/2008 3:54:11 AM)
I'm with Madame4a on this one. However, my suspicion is that she may be renegotiating with her former sub and so you have been put on the back burner. Also, Im curious, why did you wait 1 1/2 days to tell her thank you. You should have emailed right away to tell her what a great time you had. You gave her former sub 1 1/2 days to wiggle back in. I wouldn't say it's over but, I would say it sounds like it. Why not send her an email and just tell her how your feeling and that you are wondering if she is interested in seeing you again or has she found someone else. Point blank. If she doesn't answer that.....it's over. If she does answer....you 'll know for sure one way or the other.

slaveboyforyou -> RE: Advice after 1st meeting (5/1/2008 4:10:52 AM)
Rick my friend, She isn't interested in you. I think we fellows know it when it happens, but we think we can fix it. You can't, and you know you can't. Vanilla or lifestyle, women are the same generally. They don't want to just come out and tell us. I don't fault them for this. I think they want to spare our feelings. Of course they don't understand that we are better off hearing the blunt truth. Because infatuation makes us believe and do stupid shit. Those stupid things we do are not turn ons despite what they tell you. They reek of desperation. So forget about her and move on.

Madame4a -> RE: Advice after 1st meeting (5/1/2008 4:23:31 AM)
Some women, including me, actually are very clear and do tell the truth in this regard. I've actually found men are more likely not to tell the truth... that's my experience.

LaMistressa -> RE: Advice after 1st meeting (5/1/2008 4:46:24 AM)
This doesn't sound like she is interested in pursuing it.Sorry, but that does happen. She definitely could have handled it better, but I think you just have to brush that dirt off your shoulders and move on.

MladyHathor -> RE: Advice after 1st meeting (5/1/2008 4:57:55 AM)
Well to have something be "over" you had to have something to start with--you had a meeting/vanilla coffee date---nothing more despite butterfly kisses or whatever--many of us have those, however most of us have the bollocks to say thanks but no thanks---chalk it up and move on--- *but next time, don't wait a day and a half to say thank you, that's just plain rude---but She was too for not sending a note---IMHO.* *Good luck in your next venture out!*

Dnomyar -> RE: Advice after 1st meeting (5/1/2008 5:03:07 AM)
Give her the benefit of doubt. She may have other things going on and dose'nt have time for this right now. You are being sort of whimpy about this. Why did you wait so long to thank her for showing up. Mmmm do you have other Dommes on the side that your considering.

thetammyjo -> RE: Advice after 1st meeting (5/1/2008 5:13:25 AM)
I'd say her behavior isn't very polite. I mean, come on, the least anyone could do after a first meeting is say "I'm sorry to tell you this but I just didn't the sort of chemistry I'm looking for with a submissive." Now, I've had first meetings, I've had initial negotiations and a trial/first scene and realized that there was nothing there to work with. I always told that person, I tried to be tactful but honest. I'd not wait for her or continue to contact her if I were you but then I'm not a submissive so perhaps I can't understand fully.

AAkasha -> RE: Advice after 1st meeting (5/1/2008 9:08:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: thetammyjo I'd say her behavior isn't very polite. I mean, come on, the least anyone could do after a first meeting is say "I'm sorry to tell you this but I just didn't the sort of chemistry I'm looking for with a submissive." Now, I've had first meetings, I've had initial negotiations and a trial/first scene and realized that there was nothing there to work with. I always told that person, I tried to be tactful but honest. I'd not wait for her or continue to contact her if I were you but then I'm not a submissive so perhaps I can't understand fully. Do you really know in ALL cases, after a first vanilla date, if there is chemistry or not? Surely you do know when there is NO WAY there is chemistry. But in my experience, it's like a bellcurve, and a lot of men fall into a category of "I'm not sure if I could get into this guy or not." That "unsure pool" was larger when I was younger, and got smaller as I got experienced at dating. When I was in my 20s, I had a hard time knowing if I liked a guy or not. Call it FICKLE. Doesn't anyone remember what their 20s were like? Or do people not "date" so much anymore? My mom used to tell me to go out with a guy at least a couple of times before writing him off. Chemistry is a weird thing. Sometimes it doesn't kick in on first meeting. You know when you DON'T like a guy because you can't wait for the date to be over, but you also have dates where you have a nice time, the guy is "nice," you think he's "well, he's kind of cute, not SUPER hot, but cute," and did you have a good time -- SURE! It was "Fun". Would you do it again? "Well, if I didn't have anything else going on, maybe." Ok - so my point is this. Sometimes you honestly don't know right away how you feel about someone. This might be the case, or she might not really care for him and wasn't mature enough to say no thanks. But I think it's not realistic to think everyone knows after one date how they feel about someone. If you date a lot, and do a lot of "first dates," you will know that sometimes you can't tell how you feel about someone, and whether or not you see him again will be determined by how busy you are, what other offers you have, or if someone who really lights your fire enters the picture. I'm sure everyone has some experiences in social circles where you hang around in groups and get to know a variety of "friends," and there may be a person you eventually hook up with and date, but early on, you never would have succeeded on a "first date" with this person - they have a personality that is one you must get to know and a chemistry that is a slow burn, not an instant explosion. Akasha

thetammyjo -> RE: Advice after 1st meeting (5/1/2008 9:37:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AAkasha quote: ORIGINAL: thetammyjo I'd say her behavior isn't very polite. I mean, come on, the least anyone could do after a first meeting is say "I'm sorry to tell you this but I just didn't the sort of chemistry I'm looking for with a submissive." Now, I've had first meetings, I've had initial negotiations and a trial/first scene and realized that there was nothing there to work with. I always told that person, I tried to be tactful but honest. I'd not wait for her or continue to contact her if I were you but then I'm not a submissive so perhaps I can't understand fully. Do you really know in ALL cases, after a first vanilla date, if there is chemistry or not? Surely you do know when there is NO WAY there is chemistry. But in my experience, it's like a bellcurve, and a lot of men fall into a category of "I'm not sure if I could get into this guy or not." That "unsure pool" was larger when I was younger, and got smaller as I got experienced at dating. When I was in my 20s, I had a hard time knowing if I liked a guy or not. Call it FICKLE. Doesn't anyone remember what their 20s were like? Or do people not "date" so much anymore? My mom used to tell me to go out with a guy at least a couple of times before writing him off. Chemistry is a weird thing. Sometimes it doesn't kick in on first meeting. You know when you DON'T like a guy because you can't wait for the date to be over, but you also have dates where you have a nice time, the guy is "nice," you think he's "well, he's kind of cute, not SUPER hot, but cute," and did you have a good time -- SURE! It was "Fun". Would you do it again? "Well, if I didn't have anything else going on, maybe." Ok - so my point is this. Sometimes you honestly don't know right away how you feel about someone. This might be the case, or she might not really care for him and wasn't mature enough to say no thanks. But I think it's not realistic to think everyone knows after one date how they feel about someone. If you date a lot, and do a lot of "first dates," you will know that sometimes you can't tell how you feel about someone, and whether or not you see him again will be determined by how busy you are, what other offers you have, or if someone who really lights your fire enters the picture. I'm sure everyone has some experiences in social circles where you hang around in groups and get to know a variety of "friends," and there may be a person you eventually hook up with and date, but early on, you never would have succeeded on a "first date" with this person - they have a personality that is one you must get to know and a chemistry that is a slow burn, not an instant explosion. Akasha Please note that I mentioned 3 occasions upon which I decide there isn't enough there to build upon. Yeah, sometimes that first meeting is the key. Sometimes it comes out during that first negotiation. Sometimes not until during or after a trial scene. Regardless of whether or not she has made a decision frankly her rudeness by not getting back to him should have made his decision. I'm sorry folks but I can't go along with the entire subs should beg and wait and plead thing. Come on, I dominate men and women, not worms, and men and women should know their own value and not behave in a fashion that lessens that value. His clinging to hope is lessening his value; she all ready devalued herself by not communicating. The OP isn't talking about he sent an email and then he's heard nothing back. They knew each other enough to go out and talk for five hours. She had a responsibility to communicate after that and be honest with him. If she can't make up her mind or has decided against him or simply is crazy busy she needs to be a woman and tell him so.

teasemeallnight -> RE: Advice after 1st meeting (5/1/2008 10:01:06 AM)
Wow..I really appreciate all this advise and discussion..... thetammyjo-you are right i was a little dissapointed that she didn't have the courtesy of replying to the e-mail..How long would it have taken...5 minutes? She could have said whatever......even "I didn't feel chemistry, good luck"...or "I have decided to go back with my former sub".....bur no response was a bit cold......Then to tell me she would call me back and not call me back....was plain rude and revealing of herself, I think I brought her a small gift, and was a gentlemen throughout the evening..perhaps not perfect, a bit uncomfertable about how to act..since I am a novice...I acted like I would on a vanilla date.....maybe she didn't want that....I second guess myself for not talking more about D/s and selling myself as a sub.....

khem -> RE: Advice after 1st meeting (5/1/2008 10:12:13 AM)
The first date/meeting is to get to know if you click with someone. Her reaction would suggest that, although she had a pleasant time on the date, you're probably not a good fit overall. I agree that she should have communicated that, but it's a kind of tricky line to walk (from my experience). I have had nice dates where I enjoyed the person's company, but wasn't really sold on them one way or another. I have let weeks go by to just kind of sort through the date and my reaction to them. It's not very polite, but sometimes needed. Also, she might be really busy with life stuff.

Dnomyar -> RE: Advice after 1st meeting (5/1/2008 10:33:49 AM)
Mmmmm if I said what I thought about this whine the mod would excommunicate me.

ShaktiSama -> RE: Advice after 1st meeting (5/1/2008 11:11:22 AM)
"Just not that into you" is a pretty good signal pattern for any man or woman to learn to recognize. The game of making excuses for flake-outs is a losing proposition. Honestly, it doesn't matter what people say (or don't say) about failure to connect properly. It's what they do that counts, and in this case what they don't do. "I had a really nice time" doesn't mean a thing unless someone had a nice enough time to want to see you again. "I'll call you" doesn't mean a thing unless someone actually does it. People who are blunt and honest can be refreshing, but they're also rare. The majority of human beings find it difficult to be emotionally honest at the best of times--and rejecting someone is NOT the best of times. Nonetheless, at some level most people really do know what they want in life...and they behave accordingly. Respond to behavior rather than any other social window dressing, and you'll seldom go wrong. This woman is acting like she's not all that interested in you. Maybe you should find one who acts like she is.

teasemeallnight -> RE: Advice after 1st meeting (5/1/2008 11:44:09 AM)
ShaktiSama- Good thoughts, you are quite bright....and I don't mean to make this a whiner thread....but I would like to look at my options here.... Call her-asking to see her again Don't ever call her Call her in a week or two or three to say Hi..check in Email her-asking to see her again Email her-explaining that I wasn't sure how to be on the date....being a novice and not having experience on how to act with a dominant woman...I was more of like anyone would be on a vanilla date...I'm not sure she knows I really want to be her submissive I don't want to come on strong here or bother her..but I feel like I want her to know my feelings..... more advice? Thanks..I'm glad this board is here with many caring, intelligent people Eric

ElanSubdued -> RE: Advice after 1st meeting (5/1/2008 11:48:59 AM)
teasemeallnight, There is one dating rule that has never failed me. As follows: People with whom there is chemistry and interest make it easy for you to get to know them. There is a remarkable ease because each person actively courts the other. When this isn't present, things have never worked. This woman is not interested in you, at least not enough to return phone calls and emails. Despite the fact you had an enjoyable first date together, I'd say you're done. Find someone else who is interested enough in you to make you a priority in their lives. Elan.

ElanSubdued -> RE: Advice after 1st meeting (5/1/2008 11:55:31 AM)
Eric (teasemeallnight), I just read your reply to Shakti's comments. You already know the most appropriate solution and you gave it yourself. --- Email her-asking to see her again You've effectively done this by calling and emailing her. No matter what light-hearted banter was in your communications, she knows you are interested. You would not have contacted her again if you weren't. --- Don't ever call her Ding! We have a winner. Yes, this is a good solution. By contacting her more, you're simply harassing her. --- I don't want to come on strong here --- or bother her... but I feel like I want her --- to know my feelings... Like I said. She already knows your feelings. By her actions, she is showing you that she is not interested. Leave her alone and find someone else. Sometimes the most graceful, submissive thing you can do is to recognize someone's signals and respect them. Respect this woman's feelings and move on. Elan.

Venatrix -> RE: Advice after 1st meeting (5/1/2008 11:57:10 AM)
No, she's not interested in you, for whatever reason. I can't speak for her, but I can say that it drives me to utter annoyance when a sub wants dominance on the first date. If I get the sense that's what he's looking for, he gets dumped with no further ado. I'm not saying that's what happened here, but it's worth considering that you might have given off the not-so-subtle message that you are of the "do-me" variety.

teasemeallnight -> RE: Advice after 1st meeting (5/1/2008 12:01:14 PM)
Venatrix-You may be right...But I didn't meanto give off that signal....like I said I would have handled it all differently if I could do it again.....But that's why I am asking if it's worth one e-mail explaining myself and my intentions or just forget it as others here have said

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