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pandoravampire -> Whist in the dog house? (10/14/2005 5:18:31 PM)
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Ok, im in the shit again. Usually i get myself here coz ive been defiant or something. Its a long one, sorry.
This time, i got here by being really stupid and created a trust issue for us that wasnt there previously. Id been asked and asked how i was gonna address my top side. That i should consider it now, before it got to a point of being bothersome so that we could address it. (address it in a strictly monogamous relationship with a Dom, go figure?)
I went exploring this side on line. Yeah, dumb as i didnt ask permission. He is a jealous person by nature and so poly is not on the cards, ever. I am ok with that. I believe it takes a certain mindset to handle others entering a relationship, he does not have that mind set.
He'd been grumpy for a few days. One night, he ordered me naked and tied me up, put the lap top on my tummy and asked if id care to explain who this profile belonged to. I hadnt told him about what i was doing, hadnt asked permission. I told him immediately it was me. I was nervous, very nervous. Tied up, and feeling like a rabbit in the headlights. Scared. But he undid the bonds and we began to talk, then argue. Both of us had been drinking that night. (yep, this night seems to be the 'break every rule in the book, and watch it go tits up).
Anyhow, having nicely sabotaged my relationship, im left with a bad taste in my d's mouth. We have found our possible solution for the top part of me. And some clear communication highlighted that when he kept repeating a phrase: 'do anything you wish to please me' what he actually meant was, ill switch for you on some occasions. So that's sorted. or on a path to sorted anyhow. Agreed that we will have nights without the D/s framework, where anything goes. A just for fun night, sometime in our future, obviously not right now.
However, during the row phase of this. We had a really bad night, at the end of which we started to play. Turned out to be the night where things went very wrong. I got verbally abused. Not in a D/s way, just abuse. I asked him to stop, that i was not playing. This was not D/s, this was abusive. I got kicked out of bed and landed badly on a wooden floor from a high bed. It hurt like hell, i just snapped. i responded by grabbing what was nearest to me (a whip unfortunately) and let rip in retaliation twice, before being physically over powered and restrained.
The aftermath of this night, is lingering. There is the trust issue. He considers on line to be unfaithful. I hadnt thought it through properly, just went on line. So now im not trusted as i was. But i didnt actually make any contact with anyone. It was in its infancy of a profile post. But ive put a stain on the absolute trustworthy badge i held.
Also, for us both. The night in question, all sorts of feelings have come up. There's the whole consentual non consentual element. Being overpowered physically was a serious powerexchange thing. I was told that him kicking me out of bed, him restraining me was all part of play. I didnt like it at all, and really did not believe this was play, it felt totally non consentual. I was so confused. This wasnt my idea of play, this felt abusive on both parts. I was disgusted, shocked, scared.
Immediately after the struggle, whilst i was horrified at his bleeding shoulder wound, he was saying that this was the most intense adrenalin rush he'd ever experienced. But something he'd muse over another time. I was transfixed with the bleeding shoulder.
Whilst feeling all confused during this night. He was taunting me, saying "is this what you want when you ask to explore consentual non consentual, is this what you want, coz its the best i can do". I had thought i was about to get raped. I was not in a sexual head space at all. And he was telling me this was play? I was very upset, held down, telling him to let me go, i was told i had a safe word - 'RED' was screamed at the top of my lungs, and it stopped. I was at that moment saying i wanted bdsm out of my life, him out of my life etc. The whole violent thing was deeply distressing to me. I gave him back his collar saying i wanted no more of him, it or us. We went to sleep in silence.
After this, next day, i felt dreadful without the collar, felt id lost what id waited all of my life for. It was a bad play session that went wrong. We made up. He told me it was not a play session. He'd lost control and was really angry with me for being untruthful with him. He'd made a mistake and was really sorry. Limits were trampled on and im really confused by it all.
But both of us have feelings and thoughts im sure about that night. We both lost control and it went wrong. So forgiveingly, we made up. Saying we'd play slower and carefully in future. Agreed that id not be going on line again to explore my top side.
Now because of the lack of him trusting me, i get questions. What are you doing on line, who have you been talking to etc. This bugs me.
We are playing very softly, and the whole D/s thing is taking a dip. We used to enjoy play on the edge. We run before we can walk, we have fun, and we make mistakes and learn from them as we go along.
I now faulter in my submission. I freeze a lot and get this negative self talk happening that ruins the light play we are trying.
The whole thing feels all messy and secretive. So much is not being addressed by us. We are not the same it seems. He says it will take time to heal. And i realise that it will.
Meanwhile, im finding my submissive nature has gone awol. I dont want to submit a lot of the time. What can i do to settle myself again. Something is missing and im all over the place.
We are about to embark on a tricky life time period. both changing jobs, his mother is very ill etc. i feel that now, more than ever, we need to be a tight unit to support each other yet we are not. We are a somewhat cool toward each other, distant. Like there's a sheet of glass between us.
Any suggestions would be helpful, any insights into what the hell went wrong in all this mess too. If its a time thing, thats cool, if however there is something i can do, that would make it better, that'd be great. I am aware that i have this need in me, to fix things, i dont like atmosphere's at all. Hence my urgency for this distance between us to be gone. I want back what we had.
We live together, and have been for a year. We are a D/s couple all of the time, not just in the bedroom. Yet i am not a natural submissive. Have never submitted before, my only experience prior to meeting this one man who can bring out my inner submissive is that of a top. God im so confused, lonely, hurt, and in a bad space these days.
miserably
pandoravampire
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