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What's your motivation? - 5/4/2008 5:36:52 AM

DominantJenny

Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
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So I was thinking about this last night...I know what drives me as a dominant (I was just posting about it in another thread yesterday), and I took that discussion out of the thread and into my relationship...and realized that I didn't fully grasp my submissive's motivation.
In my experience, I've come to understand two kinds of motivations for submissives:
1. The submissive sees him/herself as a naturally submissive person, who would prefer to be taken care of than to take care, who doesn't enjoy making decisions or running his or her own life and prefers someone else do it for them.
2. The submissive is, outside of the relationship, an assertive/aggressive individual and DOES thrive on that, but, within a relationship, finds release in handing the reins over to someone else.

Now, my submissive fits neither category; he is a naturally assertive, independent person who doesn't seem to get tired of it, does not find any particular release in handing the reins over, and, in fact, struggles to do so.

My little epiphany last night was figuring out what DOES motivate my guy, creating a third category for me:
3. The submissive feels a powerful and fundamental urge to make a person (people in general, but a specific person to an extreme degree) HAPPY. The submissive thrives on the positive feedback he/she gets for making that person happy, and derives some internal benefit/satisfaction simply from the seeing the person BE happy and knowing that he/she is directly responsible for that happiness, though he/she does tend to need a minimum level of positive feedback or quickly starts to feel like a comedian in an empty room.

So, what's YOUR motivation? Are you a 1, a 2, a 3 or can you introduce me to motivation 4, 5 or 6? Inquiring minds want to know! :)

Post #: 1

RE: What's your motivation? - 5/4/2008 6:15:01 AM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
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Definitely not #1 for me.

There is a great mix of #2 and #3, and #4.

#4 is that I get bored easily and submitting is HARD for me. I love the challenge of it and I love belonging to a man who can harness and control my natural tendency to be assertive and Dominant. I LOVE getting a well-deserved "good girl" because it is something that is hard for me to do (even though I have an overwhelming desire to do it and could never be vanilla or Dominant).

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 2

RE: What's your motivation? - 5/4/2008 6:28:56 AM

Sandyshores29718

Posts: 343
Joined: 4/8/2008
Status: offline

i'm pretty much a mixture of 2 and 3.

(in reply to batshalom)

Post #: 3

RE: What's your motivation? - 5/4/2008 6:30:34 AM

kittinSol

Posts: 16926
Status: offline

Power, domination and cruelty

.

_____________________________

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 4

RE: What's your motivation? - 5/4/2008 6:35:01 AM

lronitulstahp

Posts: 5392
Joined: 10/17/2007
Status: offline

i am a mix of all of these, depending on my partner, and the dynamic we share. In life in general, i am assertive and very sure of myself...but in some relationships, i have been reduced to the status of mewing kitten emotionally, and there is a huge emotional sigh when that happens. i think the reward of being in service, and doing so well, is my major motivation...but the emotional and mental exchange definately act as feedback for me...i'm a number 33 1/3

(in reply to Sandyshores29718)

Post #: 5

RE: What's your motivation? - 5/4/2008 6:37:46 AM

petdave

Posts: 2479
Status: offline

Both 1 and 3 for me... i don't see 3 as being exclusive of the other two. i'd summarize the combination in that i'm a natural "follower"... i know i don't belong in charge, my natural inclination is to do as much as i can to please my partner and solve any problems she has, but i need guidance.

(in reply to batshalom)

Post #: 6

RE: What's your motivation? - 5/4/2008 6:40:23 AM

DominantJenny

Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: petdave

Both 1 and 3 for me... i don't see 3 as being exclusive of the other two. i'd summarize the combination in that i'm a natural "follower"... i know i don't belong in charge, my natural inclination is to do as much as i can to please my partner and solve any problems she has, but i need guidance.

Putting aside the existence of my submissive, do you think 3 works on its own, or do you think you have to have 1 or 2 as part of the package?

(in reply to petdave)

Post #: 7

RE: What's your motivation? - 5/4/2008 6:41:05 AM

rubberpet

Posts: 1743
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: The Land of Voodoo
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominantJenny

So I was thinking about this last night...I know what drives me as a dominant (I was just posting about it in another thread yesterday), and I took that discussion out of the thread and into my relationship...and realized that I didn't fully grasp my submissive's motivation.
In my experience, I've come to understand two kinds of motivations for submissives:
1. The submissive sees him/herself as a naturally submissive person, who would prefer to be taken care of than to take care, who doesn't enjoy making decisions or running his or her own life and prefers someone else do it for them.
2. The submissive is, outside of the relationship, an assertive/aggressive individual and DOES thrive on that, but, within a relationship, finds release in handing the reins over to someone else.

Now, my submissive fits neither category; he is a naturally assertive, independent person who doesn't seem to get tired of it, does not find any particular release in handing the reins over, and, in fact, struggles to do so.

My little epiphany last night was figuring out what DOES motivate my guy, creating a third category for me:
3. The submissive feels a powerful and fundamental urge to make a person (people in general, but a specific person to an extreme degree) HAPPY. The submissive thrives on the positive feedback he/she gets for making that person happy, and derives some internal benefit/satisfaction simply from the seeing the person BE happy and knowing that he/she is directly responsible for that happiness, though he/she does tend to need a minimum level of positive feedback or quickly starts to feel like a comedian in an empty room.

So, what's YOUR motivation? Are you a 1, a 2, a 3 or can you introduce me to motivation 4, 5 or 6? Inquiring minds want to know! :)

I'm a mutt...combine #2 and #3 and you've got me!

I'm very much an aggressive, assertive, and dominant person out and about, but I choose to submit to Mistress because She is the only one I feel is strong enough to handle me and my complexities. Everything I do, I do to make Her happy and take care of Her. I usually put Her stuff before mine (a good subby does that, right?). She not only acknowledges my efforts, but thanks me for it and appreciates it, too. That gives me the fuel to do things for Her at the blink of an eye.

What can I say? I have the best Mistress in the whole wide world! What more motivation do I need?

_____________________________

Collared and devoted property of Mistress Lorelei (vampchick88) as of 3/26/08.

Rubberpet - The Resident Anti-Subby and mysterious shadowy figure known as Voodoo, proud hitman and wiseguy for the Subby Mafia.

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 8

RE: What's your motivation? - 5/4/2008 6:42:14 AM

DominantJenny

Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
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Mine likes a good challenge, too...*is thinking*

(in reply to batshalom)

Post #: 9

RE: What's your motivation? - 5/4/2008 6:57:10 AM

TysGalilah

Posts: 589
Joined: 11/21/2007
Status: offline

Hi Jenny

I really like that you leave that question open to options 5 6 7 and 8...
frankly, most of the time I feel I am somewhere in the category 11 or 12..( reads > don't feel like I quite fit into the categories most common ).
so, this is not meant to be a category...only my personal motivation ( as I understand it so far, as it is still evolving it seems ).

I am attracted emotionally to males who are large and in charge(not necessarily talking physique).
I was raised in a traditionally 50s household. My father was a man larger than life ( in my eyes) and took care of his families needs, provided safe feelings and security. Was the ultimate decision maker and was supported emotionally by a wife who tended to the kids and the home providing his comfort and security in that area. I'm sure some of this past is a portion of my motivating factor and attraction. I don't need to be taken care of..but being with someone who will and can > gives me a very comfy feeling of safety and security that I do like..

I am attracted sexually to men(& women)
who enjoy
extreme emotions and feelings, both mental and physically, and not only can handle mine but want mine. I feel and express myself intensely. The D-types just seem to be able to handle this more effectively for some reason.

I want to be challenged, encouraged/pushed/guided further in my experiences, emotionally, physically and sexually. And so I like being with someone who knows what he wants and knows how to take me(control)along on his quest for more experiences.

I can take care of myself, I don't need someone to take care of me. My lifes journey seemed to take me down paths where I HAD to be the one in control..making decisions...the disciplinarian, and I am completely capable in that area, yet it was not always my preference or choice.
So a part of my motivation is being in a relationship where I do not HAVE to be the one in control. Can give my control over and trust that things will be taken care of and I don't have to tend to everything by myself.
I'm quirky like that > if no one else is in control > I will be.
yanno?

Ultimately, and probably most significant motivator, is my desire to please and serve. I genuinely enjoy tending to the happiness of another, along with their needs and desires. It gives me such a feeling of satisfaction to know I have served and caused a smile or a sigh of relief..or a feeling of intense satisfaction/euphoria in them.

_____________________________

galilah

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 10

RE: What's your motivation? - 5/4/2008 7:24:48 AM

DominantJenny

Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TysGalilah

Hi Jenny

I really like that you leave that question open to options 5 6 7 and 8...
frankly, most of the time I feel I am somewhere in the category 11 or 12..( reads > don't feel like I quite fit into the categories most common ).
so, this is not meant to be a category...only my personal motivation ( as I understand it so far, as it is still evolving it seems ).

I am attracted emotionally to males who are large and in charge(not necessarily talking physique).
I was raised in a traditionally 50s household. My father was a man larger than life ( in my eyes) and took care of his families needs, provided safe feelings and security. Was the ultimate decision maker and was supported emotionally by a wife who tended to the kids and the home providing his comfort and security in that area.   I'm sure some of this past is a portion of my motivating factor and attraction. I don't need to be taken care of..but being with someone who will and can > gives me a very comfy feeling of safety and security that I do like..

I am attracted sexually to men(& women)
who enjoy
extreme emotions and feelings, both mental and physically, and not only can handle mine but want mine. I feel and express myself intensely. The D-types just seem to be able to handle this more effectively for some reason.

I want to be challenged, encouraged/pushed/guided further in my experiences, emotionally, physically and sexually. And so I like being with someone who knows what he wants  and knows how to take me(control)along on his quest for more experiences.

I can take care of myself, I don't need someone to take care of me. My lifes journey seemed to take me down paths where I HAD to be the one in control..making decisions...the disciplinarian, and I am completely capable in that area, yet it was not always my preference or choice.
So a part of my motivation is being in a relationship where I do not HAVE to be the one in control. Can give my control over and trust that things will be taken care of and I don't have to tend to everything by myself.
I'm quirky like that > if no one else is in control > I will be.
yanno?

Ultimately, and probably most significant motivator, is my desire to please and serve. I genuinely enjoy tending to the happiness of another, along with their needs and desires. It gives me such a feeling of satisfaction to know I have served and caused a smile or a sigh of relief..or a feeling of intense satisfaction/euphoria in them.

I have been around more than long enough to know that putting limits on variety is a very silly thing to do. :)

Honestly, though, I have to say that I think your description of yourself fits in very well with 1, as it happens. The only thing I see that I wouldn't automatically consider part of that category is what you say about intense emotions...though I'm not sure at this point if that's a category all its own or just a minor individual variation potentially present in any group...

(in reply to TysGalilah)

Post #: 11

RE: What's your motivation? - 5/4/2008 7:51:18 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

i'm mostly 2 all of the time.

i'm not 1 (you make it sound as if i was groomed to be submissive since birth) and 3 ( i don't feel it's necessarily my job to make people happy or to expect feedback from them).

_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...

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(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 12

RE: What's your motivation? - 5/4/2008 9:32:41 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

I am another mix of 2 and 3. There is a deeper aspect to 3 for me though.

When I was in a vanilla relationship I was extremely submissive, to the point where outsiders couldn't believe the things that I would do and how badly I was treated in return. (Let me tell you, a vanilla sadist can be MUCH worse than one from the lifestyle. They have no rules to go by.) I wanted to give of myself but be appreciated for it.

My Master and I have talked a lot about this. In His eyes, the more I give the more I am appreciated. When I was married it was more like, the more I gave the more was expected from me and the less credit I was given for what I did.

I am a leader in my field professionally, and especially stand out because there are so few other women in it. I teach around the world. I am that strong person, yet my desire isn't simply to hand over the reins. So, I am partially 2, but my truest desire is to please one man and receive pleasure back simply through His appreciation. I have never felt as fulfilled before.

_____________________________

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)

Post #: 13

RE: What's your motivation? - 5/4/2008 10:09:10 AM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

I'd be one and two. I think anyone who is a pure 3 is close to sainthood. Talk about a hard road!

i don't want to be in charge, i don't want to plot the course of our lives. Thats not to say i can't - i did for 10 years after my divorce, and raised 2 kids while doing it, but i would rather not. I don't find it hard to submit - infact it was remarkably easy. There has been very little that my Sir has asked of me that i had any trouble with - being naked in public took some getting used to, as did leaving the door of the bathroom open, but that is about it.

i reread the op - and yes, i am part 3 also - i am a definite people pleaser - that explains my profession and my submission (to acertain extent)
Heck - i am a bit of everything - there is no one defining characteristic that makes me what i am.

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 14

RE: What's your motivation? - 5/4/2008 12:39:52 PM

mbes

Posts: 465
Joined: 12/14/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: batshalom

Definitely not #1 for me.

There is a great mix of #2 and #3, and #4.

#4 is that I get bored easily and submitting is HARD for me. I love the challenge of it and I love belonging to a man who can harness and control my natural tendency to be assertive and Dominant. I LOVE getting a well-deserved "good girl" because it is something that is hard for me to do (even though I have an overwhelming desire to do it and could never be vanilla or Dominant).

Can I just steal this answer? It's probably closest for me. Just take out the bit about finding release in handing over the reins and it's close enough.

(in reply to batshalom)

Post #: 15

RE: What's your motivation? - 5/4/2008 1:25:39 PM

Bound2One

Posts: 614
Joined: 1/11/2008
Status: offline

I'm another one who's a mix of #2 and #3. I'm definitely a people pleaser - always have been, though I haven't always received the pat on the back that I wanted. Now when Daddy says 'good girl' I almost purr with contentment. My efforts are recognized and appreciated. How satisfying is that! All is right with the world.

And while I enjoy being assertive and opinionated in the 'regular' world, turning the reins over to Daddy is refreshing and just feels right for us. I had a relationship where I was 'the rock'. The one who made all the decisions. The guider and leader. Ugh. It took me years to discover why that so wasn't right for me! Now Daddy is my rock, and in return, he can count on my love, my submission and my loyalty.

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 16

RE: What's your motivation? - 5/4/2008 1:35:28 PM

tolovetolaugh

Posts: 648
Joined: 4/30/2008
Status: offline

A bit of three in me... But heres a 5.
5)You get off on being dominated. If having someone put their hand on the back of your neck and firmly grip to steer you where they want you to walk gets you hot, this might be your catagory. If something that small can do it... how can you resist even bigger shows of dominence? You would happily pay what ever price is needed, do whatever is needed to get those lovely feelings. If they are a sadist and your not a masochist, you will accept a certain amount of pain to continue getting it. You will do whatever they say, both because it gives you that lovely thrill and pleases them at the same time.

----
I think I may be addicted.

_____________________________

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(in reply to mbes)

Post #: 17

RE: What's your motivation? - 5/4/2008 1:40:30 PM

hopelesslyInvo

Posts: 522
Joined: 2/10/2008
From: the future
Status: offline

can't say i feel like trying to sort out the types of people, so i'll just use your numbers.

part of 1 because it's in my nature to be reserved, modest, and quite shy.

part of 2 because i have confidence and will tackle certain things in life that i feel i excel at.

a lot of 3 because although i'm not assertive or aggressive, i am aware and capable enough to make my own choices. the biggest choice in question is of course "why i do things". i'd like some attachment, a fundamental relationship, but i don't find myself in some form of depressed longing for it, mostly because of how much i'm able to do for so many people. it's pleasant to find someone you admire and find out you're able to do something for them. even if it's on some small level, i like finding out things they'd appreciate or being asked of random tasks, but in the end i don't what "what i do" to take precedence over "why i do" and "who is doing them". i like to be of use, and i'd even prefer to be "used", than to be useless to them; i don't want to feel like a fan, i want to feel like a friend.

my goal for a "relationship" isn't to make someone i admire, appreciate what i do; it's to have them return the admiration and appreciate why i do them, that's what i think forms the connection between people. otherwise what i do may be appreciated, but i can't break beyond being a convenience to them. it is nice to be able to make any number of people, if not just one person happy, but it is very difficult to continue relations with them when you feel something for the other person that they do not, and the impact of many things is primarily influenced by "who that person is to you".

< Message edited by hopelesslyInvo -- 5/4/2008 1:49:22 PM >

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 18

RE: What's your motivation? - 5/4/2008 1:54:51 PM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

i am absolutely a #3!!

i do see myself as naturally submissive but i am very uncomfortable being taken care of. i do have a job where i am assertive, a supervisor, but i supervise as a 'servant-leader' because i find that suits me.

So maybe i'm 1+2+3 so that would make me a 6? i think really #3 describes me perfectly, the other stuff is not in conflict with my need to be necessary. What's strange, i was told when i was first starting out in this journey, that my needing to know i am responsible for the other person's happiness made me a Domme and a control freak and i could never be a submissive. *shrug* as it turns out, i'm a slave.

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 19

RE: What's your motivation? - 5/4/2008 2:22:09 PM

DominantJenny

Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened
So maybe i'm 1+2+3 so that would make me a 6? i think really #3 describes me perfectly, the other stuff is not in conflict with my need to be necessary. What's strange, i was told when i was first starting out in this journey, that my needing to know i am responsible for the other person's happiness made me a Domme and a control freak and i could never be a submissive. *shrug* as it turns out, i'm a slave.

I've often thought that, in many cases, dominance and submission are frequently just two different ways of meeting the same underlying needs, and it's really about which way happens to suit you best (or whether your happiest with a bit of both ways. :))
Many would say my strongly nurturing nature would make me a great submissive, but the truth is that I don't have a submissive bone in my body.

(in reply to eyesopened)

Post #: 20

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