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some thing i have been wondering - 10/16/2005 7:18:12 AM

AlderTheKitty

Posts: 174
Joined: 10/3/2005
From: Oshawa
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is it ok to ask a domme why she turned you down so you can learn from any mistackes you have made

also would you take offence to this if a sub asked you why you said no

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RE: some thing i have been wondering - 10/16/2005 7:37:31 AM

LadyJulieAnn

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I would say it doesn't hurt to ask, but many Dommes will not give you an answer. I think it also depends on how much communication you had with her in the first place. Was this a one-time email stating your interest in her, or did you communicate for awhile? I have no problem explaining why I am not interested and providing some suggestions to subs, but not all feel the same way I do.

I wish you luck,
Julie

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RE: some thing i have been wondering - 10/16/2005 8:21:42 AM

thetammyjo

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Joined: 9/8/2005
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I agree with LadyJulieAnn.

It is perfectly fine to ask but unlikely you'll get much of a response.

Someone who wants to tell you why will have all ready done so.

At least, this is what I do. Generally it is because a particular need is incompatible with my personal limits, the man/woman in question isn't really a service focused slave (which is what my profile says I'm looking for), or more often thus far they live too far away.

In other words, it is very likely that being turned down is not a personal reflection on you but a mismatch of interests and needs. Alternatively it may be a bad approach but a way to work on that is to ask someone to critique your approach, someone you don't have an interest in but whose opinion you value.

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RE: some thing i have been wondering - 10/16/2005 9:17:33 AM

MstrssPassion

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Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
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It never hurts to ask, but don't feel the need for resolution/closure goes hand-n-hand with an obligation of explanation.

I also agree with the others. If this was a matter of just a few email exchanges, don't expect any replies when you ask why. Most often no reply or breaking off communication is all the explanation anyone may receive.

This is also true for the dominants. Often I have had many email exchanges & the person goes poof. I have had meetings go to the next level with phones calls & a few casual face to face meetings... & poof. Hell I even had a relationship evolve to talks of living together & marriage & a person goes poof. Don't sit around beating yourself up when this happens. It most likely wasn't anything you did. Sometimes we just have to find our own closure & move on.

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RE: some thing i have been wondering - 10/16/2005 9:24:10 AM

ShadeDiva

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Joined: 3/31/2004
From: Sacramento, California
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<shrug> I'd answer.

I've had folks ask, and I've always told them. Usually it's just blaringly obvious to me we aren't compatible, and it would have an incredibly short lifespan before I or they would get bored, fed up, or disinterested.

It's rarely that I don't like them, though that has happened as well, but more so that I'm looking for long term - I know what irritates or drains me and I'm not willing to put up with that just to be able to say I have a play partner.

Or they simply want more than I am capable of giving. I am engaged to my dominant, who is not a switch, and we are not poly sexually. I'm not going to give him up for a submissive, I'm not going to change my mind about marriage, or having my kids, I'm not going to want to cuckold someone or have a threesome, and I am not interested in dealing with another dominant.

Most folks seem to want a domme they have a shot at bedding, marrying, or at least watching them have sex if they aren't going to get laid if it's going to be a long term relationship.

Or I can tell they will demand more and more of my attention and time or will at some point resent and have issues with my primary core relationship, and will begin at point to try to impact that by increasing pleas, demands, or manipulation of more of my time and attention than what was previously agreed upon.

Meaning clingy, needy people that need direction to dress themselves and I aren't a good match for long term, or even short term for that matter lol.

They are usually very nice and delightful people. Just I know myself incredibly well, I know how I operate in long term relationships and what will drive me to distraction or irritation well enough to not set myself up for that headache.

So, yeah, I'd answer.

Thing is, not everyone that asks really wants to hear the answer, and many aren't ready to hear the truth, no matter how softly and compassionately it is phrased.

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RE: some thing i have been wondering - 10/16/2005 11:22:13 AM

BlkTallFullfig

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I agree that it's okay to ask, but you will not likely get an explanation, and this may be an instance where you'd want to be careful what you wish for.
For example, I'm fairly hot looking

, but if I email someone and he thinks I'm the most vile looking person on the planet, do I want him to say that? Hell no, I would be fine with "not interested."
I think that as long as you are being honest about yourself, your desires, who you are as a person, and the type of domme you are attracted to, you should simply keep that approach and in time will meet the right counterpart for you. M

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RE: some thing i have been wondering - 10/16/2005 11:39:55 AM

LadiesBladewing

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Usually, when I turn someone down, I -give- a reason when I do so, so I don't think that it would be inappropriate to ask, politely, why a certain decision was made.

Sometimes, the reason may be more vague than you might like, and there might not be a better way to put it. For example, one of the things we assess when considering a new servant for our household is whether or not the individual is a good "fit". This is a complex assessment on our part, and usually has concrete "images" for us, but may not have good words to describe why we find one person a good fit, and another a poor fit. We also ask among the entire core of the household about issues of compatibility, so if even one of our core is uncomfortable with the individual, we declare it a poor fit. Who said no and why is considered "private" information -- not information we would share with someone who wasn't part of the core. Therefore, again, the reason may be given, but may seem unsatisfactory or not worthwhile to the listener. Often, I try to give suggestions about where else a person may be a better fit, or give some indication of the areas in which he or she did not work out well, though, since I believe that people are always learning, and may want to work on areas that they saw as being important to their own presentation of themselves, but which may not have come across in the way they intended.

As long as a submissive individual understands that "because that was my decision" is a valid answer, and as long as the question is expressed as a request for information and not a demand, I have no problem with these kinds of questions.

Lady Zephyr

quote:

ORIGINAL: AlderTheKitty

is it ok to ask a domme why she turned you down so you can learn from any mistackes you have made

also would you take offence to this if a sub asked you why you said no

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RE: some thing i have been wondering - 10/16/2005 1:47:56 PM

AAkasha

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AlderTheKitty

is it ok to ask a domme why she turned you down so you can learn from any mistackes you have made

also would you take offence to this if a sub asked you why you said no

Other people have made good points, but a lot of it depends on what she turned you down for. She ended a casual play relationship? She ended an email correspondence that was still fairly new? She broke off a 1 month real life relationship?

The most important thing to keep in mind is that what one woman might not like about you, another would adore. So you can't really expect to gather information from femdoms that it didn't work out with, make changes, and suddenly be more appealing. What you have to find is a woman that is as pleased with your imperfections as you are with hers.

Even traits that some have listed -- like "you were too clingy and needy" -- well, I would imagine there's a woman that prefers that to a sub that's distant and independent.

Also, it's not as easy to change yourself as it might sound. It's better to find someone who is happy with who you are.

Finally, when pressed with that question, "Why didn't it work out with us? What am I lacking?" many women will tell white lies because they don't want to hurt your feelings. They'll say they just want to be friends, you live to far away, your age is not appropriate or they aren't interested in dating at the moment.

Soul searching is the best way to grow -- but don't change based on what people say or what you perceive they want.

Akasha

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RE: some thing i have been wondering - 10/16/2005 8:00:47 PM

amazonlea

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I can't speak for anyone else, but I personally wouldn't have a problem with that question. As long as you couch it in terms of 'so I know better next time...' or 'I can learn from my mistakes'. Don't couch it in name calling or 'whats wrong with me' victimy stuff, that would get annoying.

B

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RE: some thing i have been wondering - 10/16/2005 8:46:02 PM

TexasMaam

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Joined: 6/22/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: amazonlea

I can't speak for anyone else, but I personally wouldn't have a problem with that question. As long as you couch it in terms of 'so I know better next time...' or 'I can learn from my mistakes'. Don't couch it in name calling or 'whats wrong with me' victimy stuff, that would get annoying.

B

Ditto. Texas Maam

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