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Verbal rewards - 5/4/2008 11:47:17 PM   
shinigaminx


Posts: 1
Joined: 11/25/2007
Status: offline 		*Emerges from lurk-ery, looks around nervously*  Hi?    :-)

   So, this might have been posted before, but I couldn't find it.  In reading many of the threads, I've come upon a question my Master and I are thinking a lot about.  In relationships where many of the rewards are verbal (eg. good girl, well done, ect.) how does a couple find the line between what is an acceptable need for reassurance and praise, and what is not?
-Minx




Proud to be his Kitten
Head over heels in Love
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RE: Verbal rewards - 5/5/2008 12:55:15 AM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline 		Trial and error based on the needs and comfort zone of each partner? 
 
I'm not sure I understand the question.  Are you asking how much is enough or where the line is between healthy desire for praise and codependency?  A little clarification here would be helpful.
 
And welcome to the boards.

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RE: Verbal rewards - 5/5/2008 1:53:33 AM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		Welcome OP. Like the previous poster, I'd appreciate a bit more clarification. However, I'll take a punt at what I think you are driving at.

So, My assumption is that you as sub find yourself desiring a lot of praise, and Master is questioning as to whether that's a good thing or not. There are lots of possible takes on this, no doubt as many as there are relationships out there! I am both sub and Domme, so I'll let My 2 personas answer separately!

Jay says: As a Domme, and a teacher for many years, I believe that praise is a good motivator. However, I also believe it has to be praise that is sincerely given for a job recognised as having been well done. Automated praise (or thanks) does little to edify either side. Just as important as praise is feedback ... clear statements about what is right and wrong, how things may be made even better (if they can), appropriateness of timing etc. And assurance of ongoing love (if that is part of your dynamic and it seems it is from your sig line) and acceptance when things weren't right and encouragement and expectation that they will be right next time. So while I wouldn't necessarily praise every good thing that was done, I would be monitoring what is happening and correcting and praising as appropriate. And as a Domme I do like to see that glow in My sub's eyes when they hear My praise and know they have really pleased Me.

violet says: As a sub, i know i love to hear words of praise from Master. And early on, i craved it a lot! i think that was linked as much to my sense of newness, a bit of insecurity, especially my own concerns as to whether i could hold down a sub role on a permanent basis when up to then i had spent much more time as Domme. As i settled in and as W/we became much more established as a couple, i found i "needed" it less but loved hearing it just as much. Master's a pretty laidback character, so i admit, i sometimes "fish" for it when i need to hear it ... sometimes He allows Himself to be "caught" *smile* ... other times He calls me on it and that's OK too. i wouldn't want it to become mundane ... i want to keep getting that little thrill when He says "good girl" or "thank you so much My pet". That's special!

Hope that comes some way towards answering your question minx!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: Verbal rewards - 5/5/2008 3:20:42 AM   
CelticPrince


Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline
quote:

So, this might have been posted before, but I couldn't find it. In reading many of the threads, I've come upon a question my Master and I are thinking a lot about. In relationships where many of the rewards are verbal (eg. good girl, well done, ect.) how does a couple find the line between what is an acceptable need for reassurance and praise, and what is not?
-Minx


minx,

Just plain old fashioned talking about it. No need to be concerned or evasive if the / is a strong one.

CP

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RE: Verbal rewards - 5/5/2008 3:40:53 AM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		I tend to use praise because it sparks submissive needs. I want to say something that shows her that she is submissive in our bond. I will not use phony praise about a non D/s matter such as good job with your paper, unless I really mean it. My praise is always in an erotic sense and it will be slightly humiliating to reinforce she is subject to my desires. Her admission that she is whatever I say is scintillating to both and controls her even more. So something like this is ideal: “Be a good girl (slut or cunt) and work hard for me.”  

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RE: Verbal rewards - 5/5/2008 3:46:49 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		If you need 30 minutes of lavish praise for getting him a cup of coffee when you're getting one for you, it's too much. Otherwise, it's a compatibility issue.

If you spend three hours making some complicated meal and get only a grunt in return, then for me that would be too little. But if he likes giving verbal praise, and you enjoy receiving it, then you're compatible.

This is one of those issues that require communication. Talking and listening.

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RE: Verbal rewards - 5/5/2008 4:03:24 AM   
StormsSlave


Posts: 629
Joined: 2/6/2008
Status: offline 		I think verbal acknowledgement of a job well done is important.  My Lord and I rarely praise each other.  We mostly thank.  "Thank you for bringing me a soda."  "Thank for getting the dishes done."  "Thank you for..." whatever nice thing it is we did for one another.  We are both grateful to have one another, and so we tell each other in the way that works for us.  That's one of the many things about "us" that I like.

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RE: Verbal rewards - 5/5/2008 4:41:58 AM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shinigaminx
So, this might have been posted before, but I couldn't find it.  In reading many of the threads, I've come upon a question my Master and I are thinking a lot about.  In relationships where many of the rewards are verbal (eg. good girl, well done, ect.) how does a couple find the line between what is an acceptable need for reassurance and praise, and what is not?

There is no such line.  If you are submissive to him, and wish to be pleasing to him, of necessity your desire to hear praise is more or less a constant--how else to know if you are in fact being pleasing?

A better question is how do you react when praise is not immediately forthcoming? 


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RE: Verbal rewards - 5/5/2008 5:22:21 AM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		In my house, standard etiquette is oft replaced by BDSM etiquette.  For example, all the appropriate times for please and thank yous can be replaced with commands and “good girls”. 

The socially inappropriate extremes (in a BDSM crowd) … as I see it, if that is what you are looking for, is when a Master appears to be begging a slave to do something or worshiping them for having done it. 

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I give good thread.

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RE: Verbal rewards - 5/5/2008 7:14:43 AM   
ThundersCry


Posts: 892
Status: offline 		Just zap her with the shock collar when she has done a good job...
 
No need to get mushy...

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RE: Verbal rewards - 5/5/2008 2:38:23 PM   
SweetNika


Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline 		I think the amount of verbal rewarding would depend on the people involved, their dynamics, and the situation itself. I don't beleive there is universal right or wrong.
 
I know for myself, I am my own worst critique in regards to everything I do so sometimes I need to hear that the one I am serving is pleased or satisfied or hell even noticing the things that I do. If I find myself NEEDING reassurance that I am being pleasing I step back and ask myself why.
 
blessed be,
Nika

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Blessed be,
Nika


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RE: Verbal rewards - 5/5/2008 3:21:12 PM   
BRNaughtyAngel


Posts: 1821
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shinigaminx

*Emerges from lurk-ery, looks around nervously*  Hi?    :-)

 



New people!!


Just kiddin' ya.....  

My Master and I both need reassurances from each other about all sorts of things in our relationship.  If He requests that I make Him a dessert to bring to the fire station, I always want to know how it tasted and if the guys liked it.  He likes to mess with me and just say, "It was fine."  He knows that drives me nuts!   

We both like and need to hear that we are loved, needed, happy, etc.  We reassure each other about play time because we are learning about each other and about ourselves as we go along. 

I just melt when I'm on my knees sucking His cock and He says, "good girl".

He loves to hear that I found something He's done to be HOT, etc....  I love to hear that He appreciates what I do for Him, etc...

We are pretty in tune with each other, and try to provide what the other needs, even in the verbal realm.  But we're not mind readers either, so if it's needed and not given, then the only way to address it is to discuss it.






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RE: Verbal rewards - 5/5/2008 3:40:22 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Whatever works for you.  I've thanked my partner profusely for understanding something I said and not getting upset about it, in turn he thanks me profusely for caring about how he might have taken it, and then I thank him for understanding how difficult that is for me to do, and he thanks me for being so trusting of him...I mean we really do get ridiculous with it.

So what?  Can you think of something better to do than to thank and praise and experience grace for the person you choose to spend your life with?

The problem tends to be when you EXPECT a certain amount of sincere thanks in a certain form. 

Seriously, go with what works for you- I have yet to find the limit on how much I can praise and thank my partner just for letting me hang around him.

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RE: Verbal rewards - 5/5/2008 5:52:57 PM   
kallisto


Posts: 1185
Status: offline 		I'm a very verbal person.  But I can do without the "thank you for doing such and such" or "you did a good job", when I'm doing an everyday task or something that is expected of me.  .   What I like is when I'm told to do something and I pull it off without a hitch and then I'm told that I did good for Him or when He knows I'm doing something that may not include Him and He tells me to be His good girl, sub, slut, etc.   Saying all of that, any kind of heartfelt, deserving praise is always welcome.  I've always felt that if I wondered whether He was pleased or not, I could always ask if I did good.  

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RE: Verbal rewards - 5/5/2008 6:01:14 PM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		We have this funny thing a group of us do at work. Someone will say thank you and someone else will say, no, thank you. It goes on and on until we all can't stand it and you get slapped if you say it again. No, thank you.

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RE: Verbal rewards - 5/5/2008 6:24:55 PM   
Willowmoon


Posts: 227
Joined: 9/25/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

In my house, standard etiquette is oft replaced by BDSM etiquette.  For example, all the appropriate times for please and thank yous can be replaced with commands and “good girls”. 

The socially inappropriate extremes (in a BDSM crowd) … as I see it, if that is what you are looking for, is when a Master appears to be begging a slave to do something or worshiping them for having done it. 


How is saying 'slave please get me a drink' any less of a command then saying get me a drink slave. Its not its just a more polite way of saying it that doesn't end up with the slave resenting you, and how is saying thank you worshiping the slave its not its just showing appreciation for her following an order.
I am a slave but I hate being demanded to do things without so much as a please (most of the time and in the bedroom is a different thing) Just because Master says please doesn't mean its not an order, just because he says thank you doesn't make him any less of a Master. I hate someone telling me good girl it makes me feel like I am a child again and I am not at all in to age play.

Willow

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RE: Verbal rewards - 5/5/2008 7:16:51 PM   
derfrewop


Posts: 74
Joined: 5/10/2007
From: Vancouver
Status: offline
quote:

We both like and need to hear that we are loved, needed, happy, etc.


There are no truer words.

The amount of praise needed is entirely in the dynamic between the people. Each of them have an amount they need. In most BDSM situations, the sub needs to get praise for the service or submission or something. This is particularly true during the early parts of a long relationship. For the Dom, especially during those same early stages, they need to be lavish in their praise because that is how they become the source of praise in the subs mind.

What gets praised usually changes over time as expectations change. A BJ that 6 years ago would have gotten lots of praise for the effort would earn a serious reprimand for slacking today. If I still gave the praise for it, she would know that I am giving false praise and there are few things as brutally demeaning a fulsome false praise.

So the key here is the same as in any other part of the relationship: honest sincere and truthful praise is always right. Giving false insincere praise is always wrong (unless the intent is to be demeaning) Withholding honest praise is usually also wrong. But there really is no way to get more specific since What is the need, What is honest, What is sincere and What is truthful can only be answered by the two people it applies to.

Hope it helps


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I only flog good girls. I don't reward bad behavior.

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RE: Verbal rewards - 5/5/2008 8:10:25 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Willowmoon

quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

In my house, standard etiquette is oft replaced by BDSM etiquette.  For example, all the appropriate times for please and thank yous can be replaced with commands and “good girls”. 

The socially inappropriate extremes (in a BDSM crowd) … as I see it, if that is what you are looking for, is when a Master appears to be begging a slave to do something or worshiping them for having done it. 


How is saying 'slave please get me a drink' any less of a command then saying get me a drink slave. Its not its just a more polite way of saying it that doesn't end up with the slave resenting you, and how is saying thank you worshiping the slave its not its just showing appreciation for her following an order.
I am a slave but I hate being demanded to do things without so much as a please (most of the time and in the bedroom is a different thing) Just because Master says please doesn't mean its not an order, just because he says thank you doesn't make him any less of a Master. I hate someone telling me good girl it makes me feel like I am a child again and I am not at all in to age play.

Willow

Saying "please" isn't begging, its good manners when issuing a command and is the intended grammatical use of the word. 
------------------------------------------------ 
/Webster extract:
Please - adverb
1.         (used as a polite addition to requests, commands, etc.) if you would be so obliging; kindly: Please come here. Will you please turn the radio off?
------------------------------------------------
All manners aside, you say you are a slave… that is human property.  I take good care of my properties, human or otherwise and none of them think they have the right to be extended a “please”.  My car doesn’t expect to hear please when I command it to turn left or stop.  

Even without using a “please/thank you” a Master can express his wish quite gracefully by simply sharing his desires with the person dedicated to fulfilling those desires.  Phrases like “I would love cold soda” rewarded with “ah, that looks delicious” work quite well, even in mixed vanilla company. 
And of course there is, “fetch me a drink wench” and  “Ah, that’s a good little cunt, now off with ya.”  Hell, that makes the juices flow for many a good little girl.  Being “used” is what makes them feel connected, owned.  Someone asking them with please and thank you would turn them off. 

So there are many facets to it which I did not extrapolate on in my original point.  The OP asked for "how" to do it and I gave more of a guildline to “when” to use itotherwise I would have spoken to a wider scope. 

Sorry to hear you have some childhood daddy phobia that limits you and your owner from exploring some of those other protocols.  With a little desensitization, you might one day learn to fetch for daddy and like it… who knows what the future holds.  :)

In my book thread, someone that I know intimately, who is a psychologist, that I use daddy/daughter roleplay with suggests this book: Doing It for Daddy by Patrick Califia.  Maybe it can open some doors for you when you are ready to expand your horizons.

Best wishes to you and yours on your journey and thanks for sharing your views.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to Willowmoon)
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