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Learning to trust again - 5/5/2008 8:59:14 AM

deliteme

Posts: 34
Joined: 5/2/2008
From: Melbourne AUstralia
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I have only been involved in this BDSM world for a few months...and most of its was spent with the one Dom (my last). We spent a few weeks talking before we even met in the flesh...and longer before we "played". He was upfront about his Dom side and I remember him asking me how I felt about it and his surprise at my answer that I was interested.
He told me that has a girlfriend so I told him..he was off limits - I don't lie, cheat or steal. He said they had an open relationship. I even chatted with her and she was cool about the idea...So we played.... and I had the best time I have EVER HAD. The first time I went into subspace - I cannot describe it.. HE was so caring and careful about how he lead me along. Introducing things, something new each session.... and keeping in touch in between. All along he told me that he was only playing with his GF and me - I wasn't happy (I don't like to share but that's my cross to bear) but I so enjoyed his company in and out of bed - here was someone I could trust after my abusive 16 year marriage.
THEN - at a rather large party he had sex with another girl - without protection. Then later that night he expected me to play with him. Events conspired that we didn't get started and I went home alone. Then it hit me the next day. I had started falling for this guy. And I knew there was no future in it. I spoke with him a few days later and told him no more play..just friends...well he hasn't liked that, he still keeps trying to get me back into bed (and its hard saying no..he KNOWS which buttons to push)..And I have found out that he was playing with others at the same time. I need to give my loyalty in order to trust and I felt he had not been able to give it to me. While it was just the three of us...ok, but when you add in half the local population....

So here I am looking for a new Dom... now the $64,000 question is.... how do I make sure I don't screw up the same way again??What can I do to enable me to trust again - trust is the cornerstone of what we do, and until I can trust again, I cannot relax fully and let myself open up to another in the same way.

Or do I just join a nunnery??

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RE: Learning to trust again - 5/5/2008 9:15:00 AM

Dnomyar

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Joined: 6/27/2005
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Saying hail Marys wont help. Do'nt worry when the right guy comes anlong you will open to him. Do'nt try to put pressure on yourself. Try to be laid back about this. If you become a NUN some father might have you on your knees doing penance.

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RE: Learning to trust again - 5/5/2008 10:22:40 AM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
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There aren't any hard and fast answers to this.

If sex makes it more likely for you to "fall" for someone (it does me - I can't separate sex and love, which is why I don't do casual) then don't have sex with them until a protracted period of "getting to know you." That doesn't mean they still won't fool you but at least you'll be able to tell if he makes more excuses than sense.

Ask the person why his last relationship ended and why. (If he does a fair amount of blaming the other party, he'd be off my list for sure.)

Take a good look at your own behavior. Are you drawn to certain types of men or do you get stuck in the same scenario time and again? If so, it's time to do a serious personal reassessment.

Ask friends their opinions while you are getting to know the person in question. Your friends are farther from the subject from you and are less likely to be blindly predjudiced toward his behavior. (This is assuming your friends don't poo-poo everything you do that doesn't include them. Keep in mind, though, that your friends will likely be more critical than reality calls for because they are trying to keep you safe.)

Lastly, there is no such thing as a relationship that is entirely "safe" 100% of the time, statistically speaking. All you can do is trust but verify.

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RE: Learning to trust again - 5/5/2008 1:02:11 PM

gypsygrl

Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
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Here's what I do after I get an owie--and I've taken it on the chin a couple times...

Relax. Pinch yourself, and remind yourself that you're still alive. Do an internal check and make sure all your systems are still in order. Chances are they are still in order because serious damage doesn't happen in a few months. Us humans are resiliant creatures with lots of built in coping mechanisms.

Then check your back account and your credit report and make sure nothing is amiss, cause, like, when those things get screwed up its a pain in the ass. The heart can take a hellava whupping, and come out of it beating strong, but those damn bill collectors dog ya for life.

After you make sure your accounts are in order, take some time for yourself. Make sure you're eating healthy, and sleeping regularly. If you're the sort to excercise, do that. Think the sort of thoughts that make you feel at your best.

Then, when you're feeling strong and have lots of energy, think about everything bad thats ever been done to you. Imagine the bad stuff is gonna keep on happening forever and then make it worse. Conjure up an image that includes every bully and ill tempered lover you've ever had the occasion to lay with, every two timing, double crossing guy from every broken hearted country music song, every sweet talking ladies man, every son of a bitchin' abuser who ever crossed the street and just let that image settle over you and hold on to it for a while, just kind of feeling it. Let its horror rest within you and weigh heavy on your spirit.

Then, let it go.

Just let it go.

And, remember, compared to the hell you've just invented (if you followed my instructions) life is pretty good.

(I don't usually offer advice, because, well, I have a weird way of dealing with shit. Take what you can use.)

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“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin

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RE: Learning to trust again - 5/5/2008 1:28:20 PM

stella41b

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Joined: 10/16/2007
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Death is the only sure fire way of not screwing up again.

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RE: Learning to trust again - 5/5/2008 2:25:33 PM

Constrictor1

Posts: 143
Joined: 6/29/2006
From: Constrictor1
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Deliteme,
I am sorry you were hurt. This lifestyle is regrettably no different than any other. That is to say that there are unethical peoplke everywhere willing to use others with no regard for who they hurt. It is easy to find these types of people, it is the ethical ones that are hard to find sometimes. Keep searching and don't let one thoughtless dickwetter ruin your search for fulfillment.

Constrictor1

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RE: Learning to trust again - 5/5/2008 3:51:48 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Well my advice is always to wait six months before making any commitments- so give yourself a six month ban on commitments.

And actually that should do it, your only real wrongdoing here was not knowing yourself and the situation better before making the commitment. You can do everything right and still have a relationship end badly because people change and time and experience will prove things out no matter what else happens.

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RE: Learning to trust again - 5/5/2008 6:22:51 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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Look for someone who has the same issues about cheating, lying and nonmonogamy. Go slow to earn a history between you that is trustworthy. And don't play with people who aren't people you would want to get into a relationship with.

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RE: Learning to trust again - 5/5/2008 7:34:41 PM

katie978

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Joined: 7/21/2007
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You knew he was in an open relationship with his other girlfriend. You knew that he had no intention of being devoted to you.
But the sex was great, and exciting, and so you went along with a lot of things you wouldn't do otherwise.
It's easy to be blind towards things we don't want to see when some parts are getting what they want. Like Batshalom said, I suggest steering clear of ANY KIND of sexual play-even online-until you ascertain that the man involved isn't a complete douchebag.

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RE: Learning to trust again - 5/5/2008 7:54:28 PM

deliteme

Posts: 34
Joined: 5/2/2008
From: Melbourne AUstralia
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Hmm..well I am going slower this time..spending this time just talking with various people..learning more and making new friends I hope here and in r/t.

I suppose a part of it was after being stuck in an abusive marriage, having someone (anyone) pay me serious attention was a real head spin. Now though..I suppose - if He comes along..He will...but not to hang my hat on the next guy who slides down the pole.

And monogamy is a given this time...from both sides.

Thanks for all of your help and advice...some of it I really needed to hear (painful though it was) and all I can do is look on this as another learning situation.

Now any ideas on telling how someone isn't a complete douche bag??(LOL)

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RE: Learning to trust again - 5/6/2008 4:39:25 AM

CarrieO

Posts: 2432
Joined: 1/27/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Well my advice is always to wait six months before making any commitments- so give yourself a six month ban on commitments.

And actually that should do it, your only real wrongdoing here was not knowing yourself and the situation better before making the commitment. You can do everything right and still have a relationship end badly because people change and time and experience will prove things out no matter what else happens.

To take this excellent advice one step further.......in that six months, date yourself. You said you had been in an abusive relationship. Do you know what you really want? Better yet....do you know who you really are? Find those things out then make a serious effort in connecting with someone.
Oh.....and the suggestion of keeping sex off-limits for a while.....very good advice. I also have a hard time not equating sex with love. Keeping it, initially, out of the relationship for a period of time is a good idea. Learn what makes you tick/him tick before taking that next step is a great way to see if you "tick" together.
Slow and steady.......my new mantra. Good luck.

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RE: Learning to trust again - 5/6/2008 4:57:46 AM

mistoferin

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Joined: 10/27/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CarrieO

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Well my advice is always to wait six months before making any commitments- so give yourself a six month ban on commitments.

And actually that should do it, your only real wrongdoing here was not knowing yourself and the situation better before making the commitment. You can do everything right and still have a relationship end badly because people change and time and experience will prove things out no matter what else happens.

To take this excellent advice one step further.......in that six months, date yourself. You said you had been in an abusive relationship. Do you know what you really want? Better yet....do you know who you really are? Find those things out then make a serious effort in connecting with someone.
Oh.....and the suggestion of keeping sex off-limits for a while.....very good advice. I also have a hard time not equating sex with love. Keeping it, initially, out of the relationship for a period of time is a good idea. Learn what makes you tick/him tick before taking that next step is a great way to see if you "tick" together.
Slow and steady.......my new mantra. Good luck.

Yup, I agree with this blend. Take time to REALLY get to know yourself. Don't allow that process to be complicated by or distracted from by a man.

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RE: Learning to trust again - 5/6/2008 5:15:30 AM

deliteme

Posts: 34
Joined: 5/2/2008
From: Melbourne AUstralia
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Its been 20 months since my ex left me and nearly 8 since the divorce came through (here in Aus we have to wait a year and a day before we can petition) so I have been on my own most of that time
for the first 14 months there was no sex... the first 5 of them I had no libido AT ALL! Then it came back and I was climbing the walls. But I had to hang off until the divorce went through or else there would have been issues with the custody of our kids.

In that time I have had a really long hard look at myself and gotten to know myself again. And bdsm was a part of that which came up after I started having sex again...basically I scratched my itch then figured out what I was missing and what I really needed.And what it was I liked.

I spent a lot of that time dating myself... learning what I wanted to learn - I got out my tarot cards and started reading them again ( I am scarily good at it) and basically learning to love myself again. I spent 6 months shovelling 16 years worth of his crap out of my psyche and realising I am a great person and not a fuckwit (like he would call me three times a day), I am intelligent (hell my IQ is over 130) and I have always earned more than he did so how could he say I was such a loser???

One thing is I am a very tactile person..my ex husband was not. I NEED to touch someone...I NEED to feel... I don't know how else to explain it. But when I am in a session I feel alive. But I cannot have casual sessions..I need that link or else I could just go to a dungeon and get a session there..but its not the same. Someone once described sex without some sort of attachement as nothing more than an asissted wank.. and I feel a session along those lines would be the same.

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