Domination as a lifestyle

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Domination as a lifestyle

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> Domination as a lifestyle

Page: [1]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Domination as a lifestyle - 10/16/2005 2:08:00 PM

Msfrauline

Posts: 18
Joined: 10/16/2005
Status: offline

I discovered the scene four years ago when I met my husband.

I am very excited about Dominating him in the bedroom. We have discussed me having complete control outside the confines of the bedroom but the minute we step past the bedroom door my confidence slips away. I become overly concerned about damaging his confidence and losing respect for him. The few times I have taken control outside of the bedroom I enjoyed myself greatly but most of the time I can't seem to bring myself to take what we have in the bedroom to the next level.

Do any of the Mistresses on line have any suggestions as to how we can bridge the gap?

Thanks,

Ms Frauline.

Profile

Post #: 1

RE: Domination as a lifestyle - 10/16/2005 2:54:01 PM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Msfrauline

I discovered the scene four years ago when I met my husband.

I am very excited about Dominating him in the bedroom. We have discussed me having complete control outside the confines of the bedroom but the minute we step past the bedroom door my confidence slips away. I become overly concerned about damaging his confidence and losing respect for him. The few times I have taken control outside of the bedroom I enjoyed myself greatly but most of the time I can't seem to bring myself to take what we have in the bedroom to the next level.

Do any of the Mistresses on line have any suggestions as to how we can bridge the gap?

Thanks,

Ms Frauline.

The most important thing is that you don't push yourself into an area that generally makes you frustrated or uncomfortable, or it will undermine your confidence and the whole thing sort of falls apart. The foundation should always be your pleasure and amusement, and that your dominance comes from a place inside you and doesn't feel too forced.

You bring up two separate concerns:

a) damaging his confidence
b) losing respect for him

These are two completely different issues, unless they are cause and effect. If he lost his self confidence, would you lose respect for him?

Both dominants and submissives have limits. Sometimes, people forget that femdoms have limits. One of my limits is that I won't do anything to my partner that will make me lose respect for him. To use an extreme example, I won't humiliate him in front of his peers to the point that he appears pathetic. I won't do anything to him that makes him react or behave in a way that I find *unsexy* or unattractive.

Are you imagining that if you take things deeper outside of the bedroom, you might not like the "new" man you are with? Can you identify in your mind what acts or behaviors would make you lose respect for him? Once you know that, you can share it with him, and sort of define some areas to stay away from.

Sometimes there's a balance in between "femdom only in the bedroom" and "femdom in and out of the bedroom" that's not on one end of the spectrum or the other. It's an undercurrent outside the bedroom that allows him to operate as he usually does, but at any moment he will be snapped back into a submissive role by your words, actions, or even a "look". For me, this is a better balance, because I find that the assertive, confident man is the one that I *want* to dominate -- not a quiet, deferring man that is already seeking affirmation and direction.

Most of it is best sorted out by trial and error. Just don't feel that you *must* do acts that make you feel uncomfortable inside, or make you do a double take with your partner and think, "hmm, I don't really like it when he acts that way."

That's been my experience with this -- I look forward to hearing what others have to say also.

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to Msfrauline)

Profile

Post #: 2

RE: Domination as a lifestyle - 10/16/2005 3:04:38 PM

ShadeDiva

Posts: 1005
Joined: 3/31/2004
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline

Find out WHY you think you'd lose respect or injure his confidence.

That's the root of your hestitation right there.

I could make guesses, but I hate doing that lol.

You don;t have to micromanage the guy to dominate him, or dominate him in every aspect in every second of every day.

But yanno, start small. Drop something, have him come over and get it. Little things like that. Sure you could do it yourself and most of the time you probably will, but it's a small beginning to test yourself out in this role and get used to pulling rank like that.

Have him cook dinner. Have him stop soemthing he's doing that he'd PREFER to do and tell him, I want this done or do this. Have it be small, quick, and fairly unimportant. He will need getting used to you in that role more too, not only you.

He will no doubt THINK he's ready for the full feldged controlling domme in you right *now*. That is until you interuppt something he REALLY enjoys to have him help you with something you don't really need help with but simply wish for him to do. At least in my experience that is when resistance, if there is any, rears it's little head. Yanno they start thinking why can't YOU do it you aren't doing anything and ou could totally do it and sure you could. But that isn;t the point. The point is that it doesn't matter if it is fair or if you need help but that you have decdied you want him to do a task - just because you want it, and for no other reason.

It's a big hurdle for either sides I think when one isn't used to doing it. Just don't *abuse* it, or use it in anger is my belief. That's when I fight against my submissiveness the most personally, when it's something that is *just because*, and I think that it affects me more because I do have a duality, but that if you work on it with someone that isn;t they won't have as much ongoing issues as I seem to have with it LOL.

It's a trust builder too, if done wisely. Like getting you a glass of water for no reason but that you want a glass of water and you want HIM to bring it for you. Right in the middle of a football game or something like that. If he shoots back, why don't YOU get it I'm busy, just sweetly and clamly and even softly remind him with a good steady look straight in his eyes that because you want HIM to get it and because you told him to.

It might take lots of talking at first too. You know, reminding him that he WANTS this and when he fights it, he's ultimately fighting his own desires from coming true. Domination as a service is a bit different than in the bedroom.

But you might not want the service part.

You can remind him of his place in little ways. If he stands up to pee - write MINE on his shaft, or tie a little ribbin around it (knot the sucker good so the bow doesn't slip out). Every time he pees he'll be reminded of you, but with the ribbin he'll feel it all day long. Have him start writing a journal. Have him ask permission to do things. have him change his seating habits, walking habits, change his clothing underneath his garments so he's reminded all day. Plugs can be effective little devils to keep someone in your brain.

So can chastity belts/devices. Having assignments he needs to complete during the day, leaving you a voice message on your cell phone while on his lunch break. Have him work on a story with a certain theme. Essays can be effective. Leave messages on HIS cell phone - like hello pet I've been thinking about you today and I do believe I shall have fun with you tonight - I have a surprise for you .... you get the picture.

Leave notes where he can find them but won't come across others eyes. Note in the car, briefcase if no one opens it, in his lunch, just reinforcing the fact you are there you are thinking about him and what his and your roles are.

Little stuff can work wonders if it's done right and often enough and it builds the excitment and the atmosphere for later when you CAN actually have fun and it puts them in that mindset in regard to you all throughout the day.

_____________________________

~ShadeDiva
My projects of love:
theFetishForums
HumanFauna
Kinked
DommeWorld

(in reply to Msfrauline)

Profile

Post #: 3

RE: Domination as a lifestyle - 10/16/2005 3:15:47 PM

realsumissive

Posts: 73
Joined: 10/10/2005
Status: offline

Msfrauline,

I saw that you requested advice from other dommes, but you may value another submissive's point of view also. I wonder how you would lose respect for him, if he did something that you asked him to. I would do what my Mistress asked of me, unless it was something that she and I discussed, and agreed was a "hard limit" for me.

I would suggest you think about the things you do with your husband in the bedroom, and pick something you can take out of the bedroom. If you enjoy feminizing him to some degree, (and I realize many dommes don't) than having him wear panties at other times might test your desire and his resolve to please you. If bondage is a turn on for you, maybe having him in a straightjacket after dinner while watching TV might excite you.

My only advice is that you don't lose respect for a man that is doing what you ask him to do because he loves and wants to serve you. There are many things that are done in the bedroom that can be brought into other rooms. The tricky part is if and when you decide you want to take it to a public forum. That can be very dangerous, and I suggest you discuss that at length with him

Also, there are many places that cater to lifestyle enthusiasts. There is probably a club that you and he can go to where you can explore what others do in a comfortable enviormnent. That is always an option. I hope I've given you some information you can use.

(in reply to Msfrauline)

Profile

Post #: 4

RE: Domination as a lifestyle - 10/16/2005 3:21:25 PM

ShadeDiva

Posts: 1005
Joined: 3/31/2004
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline

quote:

It's a trust builder too, if done wisely. Like getting you a glass of water for no reason but that you want a glass of water and you want HIM to bring it for you. Right in the middle of a football game or something like that. If he shoots back, why don't YOU get it I'm busy, just sweetly and clamly and even softly remind him with a good steady look straight in his eyes that because you want HIM to get it and because you told him to.

I left out why it's a trust builder. If it is quick and simple like getting a glass of water during something he really enjoys or finds important, and you just make him do something small for you right in the middle of something he is really prefering to do, and he does it and you say thank you and dismiss him back to what he was doing, you are showing him that all interruptions doesn't mean he won't get to go back to what he was doing previously.

It's like training a dog (or anything really). Ypu can get a dog to go to the bathroom on command if you reward them with a walk afterwards. Basically a dog enjoys walks so much that if you only walk him to go to the bathroom, and then as soon as he is finished you turn around and go home, the dog will stretch that walk out as looooooooooooooooong as possible before doing his business. Understandably so. They WANT that walk. But if you have them start doing their business first and trying to time that with your command, and then when they are done, prasise them and then reward them with a walk, it doesn't take long for the dog to realize wow, let me get this done and then we can go for a walk! Which then works in your favor for those times you can't walk him after but just need him to do what you need him to do because you are running late. The dog trusts that walks won't be cut short when he does his business so he goes right away and walks are no longer associated with going to the bathroom, and then having that fun time cut short, but fun rewards that he gets as treats.

Humans aren't that much different. Interrupt them when they are doing what they would rather be doing and then making it quick and short builds trust that every time they do something they like or a certain thing it isn't ruined or stopped as soon as they are called away. In fact they will RUN over to get the business (of a different sort than the dog lol) dealt with - not so much because they will get the reward of getting back to what they want to do but because they arent focusing so much on strteching it out in order to get the thing they are enjoying doing. In other words they wont associate fun things and interruptions from you as being negative and meaning all fun is over.

In the case of the glass of water do it even if you aren't thirsty. :P

And if he asks hey you asked for the water, but you didn't drink any, why not?

Just reply with a smile, I didn't say I wanted to DRINK it - I said I wanted you to GET it.

Or something like that. lol. Have fun with it!

_____________________________

~ShadeDiva
My projects of love:
theFetishForums
HumanFauna
Kinked
DommeWorld

(in reply to ShadeDiva)

Profile

Post #: 5

RE: Domination as a lifestyle - 10/16/2005 4:49:41 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

How do you think things will actually change if you are dominant outside of the bedroom?

There isn't that much of a difference for me personally, this kinky stuff is really just an extension of who I am at the core.

I recommend you two sit down and talk about what you think things should be like if you are the dominant outside the bedroom. Then step back, take a realistic look at your life, and then try to work out how it can actually work.

The more realistic you can be about how the relationship can work outside the bedroom, the less chance you have of failure.

Let me just give an example:
Does your husband work and if so is his income necessary to your household?
If yes, then you cannot control or interfer with his job. Doing so may feel powerful but it also risks his job and your lifestyle.
Therefore if you set up your domination to not include his job, then you can't be disappointed as much when he has to work late or take overtime or what have you that is work related.

Honestly, the only people whose expectation in a scene relationship should matter or those directly involved. Otherwise its just folks getting nosy and trying to make the world run on their model.

You figure out what will work for you, take it slowly, and you'll see that you'll get a lot more happiness and success this way.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to Msfrauline)

Profile

Post #: 6

RE: Domination as a lifestyle - 11/2/2005 11:25:30 PM

Msfrauline

Posts: 18
Joined: 10/16/2005
Status: offline

Since I made my originaly posting things between my husband and I have chaged dramatically. I have decided to jump in head first and "just do it". The nice thing is that it hasn 't effected my opinion of hm like I thought it would. I respect him just the same as I did before and it has brought us closer together. It was scary thinking that he would just become a mindless robot but that only happens when I do really NASTY things to him. Otherwise he is the same guy I know when we met four years ago.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Profile

Post #: 7

RE: Domination as a lifestyle - 11/3/2005 10:11:08 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

I'm so glad to hear that!

(in reply to Msfrauline)

Profile

Post #: 8

RE: Domination as a lifestyle - 11/3/2005 10:58:51 AM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

It's like training a dog (or anything really). Ypu can get a dog to go to the bathroom on command if you reward them with a walk afterwards. Basically a dog enjoys walks so much that if you only walk him to go to the bathroom, and then as soon as he is finished you turn around and go home, the dog will stretch that walk out as looooooooooooooooong as possible before doing his business. Understandably so. They WANT that walk. But if you have them start doing their business first and trying to time that with your command, and then when they are done, prasise them and then reward them with a walk, it doesn't take long for the dog to realize wow, let me get this done and then we can go for a walk! Which then works in your favor for those times you can't walk him after but just need him to do what you need him to do because you are running late. The dog trusts that walks won't be cut short when he does his business so he goes right away and walks are no longer associated with going to the bathroom, and then having that fun time cut short, but fun rewards that he gets as treats.

Just a side not: this actual training saved my dogs (4 legged furchild) life. His desire to please even when in extreme pain & facing surgery helped relieve him of a large object he'd swallowed whole...oh yeah and me of paying $3000 for surgery.

(in reply to ShadeDiva)

Profile

Post #: 9