ReflectionsI

ReflectionsI (Full Version)

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SwtJadedGrl -> ReflectionsI (5/5/2008 7:07:52 PM)
I need to get this out. It will be a rambling of sorts. I just need to tell someone and this is a safe place for my mind so please bare with me. Today I was thinking about what my father gave me. We have had a very rocky life together. He was an alcoholic and addict for the first 20 years of my life. It was a love hate relationship. I loved him but was convinced he hated me. Yet even through it all he taught me so many things. I remember being very little and the music would be on. He would have me stand on his feet and we would dance around the living room. As I got older he taught me that it was ok to let him lead. He showed me that if i put my trust in him he could guide me from room to room without running into anything. Looking back to that time I realize that that was my first glance into submission. My relationship with him also was my first lesson in losing trust. When I reflect back to my life with him I realize just how much this one man has influenced me both good and bad. How he has molded me into who I am today. Some of those molds I want to break, others I will hold onto forever. All of these thoughts are flooding through me today. As I left his hospital room tonight and said what might just be my last good bye to this man that helped make my life possible, this man who guided me through the house on his feet, this man who scared me, loved me, taught me, I realized that I was thankful that he was my Daddy. No matter what our past is I am glad that he is mine. I am not ready to say good bye to him.

GreedyTop -> RE: ReflectionsI (5/5/2008 7:20:33 PM)
oh, Jaded.... HUGS

SwtJadedGrl -> RE: ReflectionsI (5/5/2008 7:46:29 PM)
Thank you GT

Termyn8or -> RE: ReflectionsI (5/5/2008 8:09:52 PM)
You will never be ready, Nobody is. Hugs in advance, hopefully MUCH in advance. T

SwtJadedGrl -> RE: ReflectionsI (5/5/2008 8:58:54 PM)
Thank you. I too hope it is a very long time coming. It doesnt seem real to me. He has always been the strongest man I know. He cant die.

pahunkboy -> RE: ReflectionsI (5/6/2008 3:54:35 AM)
this is going to sound horrible. maybe i should not post this. find the right wording. on my dad- his long illness up and down - was emotionally hard. a small part of me wanted it to stop one way or the other. so- he passed. then my family was in turmoil for a few years. we all said and did mean and stupid things. today- 20 years later- the sniper fire has stopped and my family is close. I was 22. I felt naked w/o a dad. Like the entire world knew and I was at risk of harm. many years later that evolved into me, like if he was here now- i would not want to be told what to do. check your email hun

parttimehotty -> RE: ReflectionsI (5/6/2008 7:54:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GreedyTop oh, Jaded.... HUGS Make that a group ((((((((HUG))))))))

domahpet -> RE: ReflectionsI (5/6/2008 8:09:23 AM)
(((Jaded))) remember Jaded, that emotions like these are the ones that make people like you and i sometimes go places we dont really want to go. stay focused on keeping yourself safe and strong. and thank you for sharing :)

SwtJadedGrl -> RE: ReflectionsI (5/6/2008 8:45:41 AM)
((((((everyone)))))) thank you all very much. he is in surgery right now. this is the part they say he might not make it through. whatever happens today i know is out of my control, all i can do is wait. again thank you for all of your kind words and for just letting me ramble.

GreedyTop -> RE: ReflectionsI (5/6/2008 8:58:03 AM)
I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts today, Jaded.. I hope the surgery goes well.. big hug

angelikaJ -> RE: ReflectionsI (5/6/2008 9:00:50 AM)
hugs

SwtJadedGrl -> RE: ReflectionsI (5/6/2008 8:28:11 PM)
update he came through surgery. thank you everyone who kept us in your prayers. he is still in the CICU but he is stable. not very alert but he has a better prognosis now. its a waiting game. yet i am not sure what the "winner" is. keep him for us, or no more pain for him. sigh. time will tell. again thank you all

PanthersMom -> RE: ReflectionsI (5/6/2008 8:36:02 PM)
glad he made it thru surgery, now comes the tough road to recovery for him and hopefully a better future for your family together. best wishes for the best outcome for all. PM

GreedyTop -> RE: ReflectionsI (5/6/2008 8:44:16 PM)
:: echos PM :: hugs,Jaded

Rule -> RE: ReflectionsI (5/6/2008 9:02:17 PM)
Courage.

BlackPhx -> RE: ReflectionsI (5/7/2008 12:03:30 PM)
You are both in my thoughts. Painful as it may be for you, may those who watch over us, help him to go in peace which ever direction he chooses is best for him. poenkitten

Ellsa -> RE: ReflectionsI (5/7/2008 12:27:06 PM)
SwtJadedGrl, I always did worship the ground my father walked on. Always will. My Father died last January, after a long illness. There was no more unfinished business, I had accepted that the death of his body would come, and all that was left was the sadness of the last goodbye, the putting him into the ground. He was a man that had the courage of his convictions. He is alive in my heart. He is always with me there. Please try to become willing to let go and say goodbye. People don't live forever, I don't like it, nobody likes it. But that is reality. Please know also that there are kindred souls out here that know your pain. Grief is a cycle. Go with it, let it take you in it's arms. It is there to comfort you and help you to continue on your life's journey. Perhaps as your Father would wish for you to do. warmest regards, ellsa

SwtJadedGrl -> RE: ReflectionsI (5/7/2008 5:35:16 PM)
thank you everyone for all of your words of strength and acceptance. thank you for allowing me a place to vent and get it out. he was a lot more coherent today. it was good to see him smile.

Irishknight -> RE: ReflectionsI (5/7/2008 5:59:29 PM)
I have nearly lost my father 3 times now. I know how you feel. Enjoy every minute you have with him. I can't say whether my father's heart will last an hour more or a century but I treasure every moment that we still have him. I am happy that you get the same chance. Here's another hug for you.

SwtJadedGrl -> RE: ReflectionsI (5/7/2008 6:04:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Irishknight I have nearly lost my father 3 times now. I know how you feel. Enjoy every minute you have with him. I can't say whether my father's heart will last an hour more or a century but I treasure every moment that we still have him. I am happy that you get the same chance. Here's another hug for you. that is my goal right now. thank you very much for your words and your hug.

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