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BlackPhx -> How to Be a SAM (5/6/2008 6:32:35 PM)
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Warning some of these could lead to being something other than a SAM....
Some people really want to be Smart-Assed Masochists, but they can't quite get the hang of it. Here's a few things they can do to become a genuine certified SAM.
[:-]
Sing 'Happy Birthday To Me' and blow out the candle during wax play.
Draw a picture of an open hand on your ass. Then draw a red circle around it. Finish up by putting a slash through the circle. (should turn out to be the international no-spanking zone sign)
In the middle of an intense cropping, close your eyes and start to snore.
During a scene, do a Howard Cosell impression and provide a play-by-play account of what is being done to you.
If your dom/me tells you to 'Look me in the eyes', do it cross-eyed.
If your dom/me decides to do a verbal humiliation scene with you in public, stick your fingers in your ears and say 'Neener, neener, neener, I can't hear you!'
Decorate your dom/me's leathers with oil painted neon polka dots and stripes
Place a whoopee cushion on your dom/me's favorite chair.
Use the toybag for dirty laundry. Forget to switch the contents back before the next play party.
Stick an Alka-Seltzer tablet in your mouth at the beginning of a scene. Work up some saliva to get it fizzy, then call out your safeword.
When getting flogged, start singing 'This is the song that never ends...'
Become a sarcastic practical joker (worked for me).
Learn a language your dom/me doesn't know and then speak only in that language when you are together.
Become prone to incessant giggling.
If you're trussed up and ordered to count, inform your top you can't do it unless you can use your fingers and toes.
Have a wig made up matching your hair color and style perfectly. It'll be worth the expense to see the look on your dom/me's face the next time your hair gets tugged and it comes off..
Hold up a scorecard after each blow delivered (like in figure skating or diving)
When your top hints at foot worship, hand him/her a package of OdorEaters.
If you take a message for your top, write it on a post-it and stick it to your rear.
Tell your dom/me a better way to do whatever it is being done to you at that moment.
Learn the following phrases:
Get off your lazy ass and do it yourself!
What do I look like, your maid?
This isn't a restaurant.
In your dreams!
Who died and left you boss?
I don't think so!
Homey don't play that game.
Yeah, right!
Use them as often as possible.
Only speak in movie quotes.
Give your dom/me a massage while wearing a joy buzzer.
Send your dom/me an invoice for your services.
After a particularly hard blow, pretend to pass out. When your dom/me checks to see if you're OK, jump up and yell 'Gotcha!'
Go in the toybag and superglue the nipple clamps shut.
Ignore your top until he/she utters the magic word.
Starch the floggers.
Whine.
Urinate in the dungeon and in the toybag, claim you're marking your territory.
Attach clappers to all the outlets in the dungeon just before a paddling. (Clap on, clap off...)
Tell master you want to be just like him, then go wash the dishes. Tell some of the plates they were SAMs today and refuse to wash them until they can behave better.
Move master's personal effects around. Start subtly, gradually work up to the furniture. If he notices, act like nothing was every moved.
Draw a tiny spot on his chest with a permanent marker. Make it bigger every night while he's asleep.
When your master comes home, pretend that you are on the phone, talk in a sultry, sexy voice. After you hang up, tell him that was his mom and she didn't leave any messages for him.
Get some hair the same color as master's from a salon. Spread it on the pillow while he's asleep.
Whenever master uses the bathroom, take notes. If your master protests, mutter about dominants hiding their trade secrets.
Put up flyers around town, advertising that master is missing, answers to Pookie, reward for his safe return.
Make cue cards for master. Get them out whenever you'd like to have a conversation.
Hide one of master's favorite toys. When he asks where it is, tell him you traded it for a box of Beanie Babies.
Bury the toys in shallow graves in the backyard. Blame it on the dog.
Hold funeral services for used condoms at the porcelain altar. If your master protests, tell him you are mourning the billions of potential lives that are being wasted.
After a snow storm, make two snowmen in the front yard, one upright, the other 'kneeling'. Attach master's favorite whip to the dominant snowman.
Trim the floggers and canes an eighth of an inch each day before he gets home. When he finally notices, just say you don't get as much bang for your buck as you used to.
Whenever master dismisses you, nod and say, "Then if it is OK with you and Major Healy, I will return to my bottle now, Master."
Take out restraining orders on the toys you don't like.
Don't do the household chores. Tell master you didn't have time to do them because you were out of Total and had to eat at least a dozen bowls of another brand, just to get the same nutritional value.
copyright © Alkallah 1998
poenkitten
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