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In need of a spot of advice. - 10/17/2005 7:44:05 AM

Triskelle

Posts: 1
Joined: 10/16/2005
Status: offline

This question goes out to all you Subs, but especially the Slaves.

I'm currently in a relationship with a woman who identifies herself as a Slave. That's not the issue, in fact not at all. I knew that about her when I entered the relationship, and fully accepted it, indeed, found it interesting to learn more about the lifestyle. In fact, it really helped me let go and be more comfortable during sex because I no longer felt that my desires as a Switch were out of place.

However.

I'm definately not a Dom. In fact, before I met my girlfriend I would have classified myself as a Sub. She's brought out the 'inner Dom' in me, so to speak, but I really don't know the first thing about being a Dom.

I know that she loves me dearly, and indeed, I can't imagine a life without her. She's gorgeous, so intelligent that sometimes it blows my mind, a free spirit, creative. She's everything I've ever wanted and needed, and I would do anything for her. Which makes me worry. What if she's not fufilled in our relationship? I'm just not capible of filling the role of Dom for her, and I don't want her to have to be without something that she may feel defines a part of who she is. I've been with her for nearly a year now, so I am NOT giving up and going away. No way, no how. I love her too much for that.

So the question is:

What should I do? Should I attempt to learn more about being a Dom so that I can sort of fill in that place for her? Because I'm perfectly willing to try. Or should I support her if she wants to find a Dom for play? We have an open relationship, so I'm certainly alright with that... Or should I even do anything at all?

I know that I need to talk to HER about this, but I'd really like to have an idea of what to say before I do so...

Anyhow. That's my question. Thanks for taking the time out to read this. ^_^

-Triskelle

Post #: 1

RE: In need of a spot of advice. - 10/17/2005 7:54:35 AM

plantlady64

Posts: 755
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline

Hello There,
In the year you've been with her you should have some idea as to if you're fulfilling her needs or not. If she says you are enough for her don't doubt she is happy. If she feels like you're not strong enough in your Dom role you should discuss what it is she feels has been left out of your relationship. Communication between the two of you is the key to how you should proceed.
As to her finding other Doms to fill the needs she's not feeling you meet. If you are in an open relationship and she's not looking to play with others I'd say that's a pretty good gauge of how content she is with you or she would be more interested in outside your relations dating.

I think all Dom's should think about meeting their sub/slaves needs. I think all men wonder if they are enough, just like all women are.

If you feel like being in the Dom role is overtaxing you, or if it's your own insecurity, then I think the two of you need to openly discuss why you feel inadequate.

It sounds like you have a wonderful helpmate at home to help you with these feelings if you are willing to share them with her.

If it's that your own need to submit to someone isn't being met I'd seen here in another thread a lady sub who has the urgent need to top someone and her Dom agreed to a once a month switch of roles so she could get what she needed. Maybe your sub will top you once in a while if that's waht you're missing.

Good Luck,
sub suzanne

(in reply to Triskelle)

Post #: 2

RE: In need of a spot of advice. - 10/17/2005 8:02:02 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

As far as talking to her about it, I think you should honestly line it out for her, just as you have for us in your message. Listen to what she has to say about the options. You may discover that she is perfectly content with the way things are now. And if not, it sounds like you are open to various ways to continue to build on what you have. In any case, I think she will be pleased to have such an open discussion about what you both need.

Good luck!

(in reply to plantlady64)

Post #: 3

RE: In need of a spot of advice. - 10/17/2005 8:13:44 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

Congratulations, you just managed a very big step that most Doms can't or don't. Caring for your property which includes emotional happiness.

She obviously sees something in you. You don't have to believe what she sees, you only have to believe that she sees it in you.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 4

RE: In need of a spot of advice. - 10/17/2005 8:34:04 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

If it's not broke...

You're happy, she's happy. If that status changes, you can work with that. Until then, just go with it and build a strong foundation.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 5

RE: In need of a spot of advice. - 10/17/2005 9:14:04 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

I know that I need to talk to HER about this, but I'd really like to have an idea of what to say before I do so...

Go with what you know. this slave appreciates the communication between Master and His slave and if it is important to Him to discuss something, it is important to this slave to both listen AND respond.

quote:

I know that she loves me dearly, and indeed, I can't imagine a life without her. She's gorgeous, so intelligent that sometimes it blows my mind, a free spirit, creative. She's everything I've ever wanted and needed, and I would do anything for her. Which makes me worry. What if she's not fufilled in our relationship? I'm just not capible of filling the role of Dom for her, and I don't want her to have to be without something that she may feel defines a part of who she is. I've been with her for nearly a year now, so I am NOT giving up and going away. No way, no how. I love her too much for that.

So the question is:

What should I do? Should I attempt to learn more about being a Dom so that I can sort of fill in that place for her? Because I'm perfectly willing to try. Or should I support her if she wants to find a Dom for play? We have an open relationship, so I'm certainly alright with that...

sounds like the above could be a good start!!!!!

(in reply to Triskelle)

Post #: 6

RE: In need of a spot of advice. - 10/17/2005 9:21:33 AM

foxglove716

Posts: 648
Joined: 7/4/2005
Status: offline

In my opinion, the sexiest thing in a dom is confindence. Work on yours a little! If she is as great as you make her out to be, she could be with anyone she wants. But shes not. Shes with you, and for a reason.

(in reply to Triskelle)

Post #: 7

RE: In need of a spot of advice. - 10/17/2005 12:07:45 PM

ownedjulia

Posts: 218
Joined: 10/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

Congratulations, you just managed a very big step that most Doms can't or don't. Caring for your property which includes emotional happiness.

She obviously sees something in you. You don't have to believe what she sees, you only have to believe that she sees it in you.

What she said!!

There is a lot more to being Dom than just being Dom. Admitting your lost, admitting that you need help is a big thing to admit and there are many that don't/won't/can't.

To do this shows a Domly inner strength.

_____________________________

~julia
owned slave and proud of it!

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 8

RE: In need of a spot of advice. - 10/17/2005 12:16:36 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedjulia

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

Congratulations, you just managed a very big step that most Doms can't or don't. Caring for your property which includes emotional happiness.

She obviously sees something in you. You don't have to believe what she sees, you only have to believe that she sees it in you.

What she said!!

There is a lot more to being Dom than just being Dom. Admitting your lost, admitting that you need help is a big thing to admit and there are many that don't/won't/can't.

To do this shows a Domly inner strength.

I'm not so quick to say that...admitting needing help or that one is lost is a big important step that everyone should learn, including dominants. And yes, many dominants are insecure and unable to admit when they need it.

But I think it would be misleading to suggest it shows someones orientation because one is able to do so.

(in reply to ownedjulia)

Post #: 9

RE: In need of a spot of advice. - 10/17/2005 1:40:29 PM

Hallittlelolita

Posts: 253
Joined: 8/11/2005
Status: offline

my advice to you is talk to her, and communicate. You need to know how she feels and what she is thinking. I was in the same situation as her as it seems from what you wrote in your post. It took 4 years for my Master/Husband to become my Master. i had metioned it to Him before We/we had gotten married. He told me at that time that He wasn't ready to be a Master and i waited and waited for about 4 years and He is my Master now and He has been for about 3 1/2 months now, We/we are in a 24/7 D's relationship. He finally understood what i want and it took alot of communication and understanding on both sides. What i am trying to say it has to be in your heart to be a Master and communication is key to this relationship. I wish you all the best

Good luck

Sincerely andie and her Master Hal

(in reply to Triskelle)

Post #: 10

RE: In need of a spot of advice. - 10/17/2005 1:46:13 PM

slave4mzpatti

Posts: 39
Joined: 10/20/2004
Status: offline

You can't be something your not. Maybe you should explore your submissive side more and you can grow closer to her that way. I know of some happy couples who are both submissive and have relationships with dominate people also.

(in reply to Triskelle)

Post #: 11

RE: In need of a spot of advice. - 10/17/2005 6:25:31 PM

FLButtSlut

Posts: 344
Joined: 3/17/2005
Status: offline

It just seems that if you have been together for a year, SHE doesn't question whether you are "dom" enough for her.

(in reply to slave4mzpatti)

Post #: 12

RE: In need of a spot of advice. - 10/18/2005 7:01:41 AM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

I have to agree what the others said. just be what you are an talke to her. You have been together a year she like the person you are now so don't change.

littleone

(in reply to Triskelle)

Post #: 13

RE: In need of a spot of advice. - 10/18/2005 8:34:14 AM

happypervert

Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline

quote:

I'm definately not a Dom. In fact, before I met my girlfriend I would have classified myself as a Sub. She's brought out the 'inner Dom' in me, so to speak, but I really don't know the first thing about being a Dom.

Seems to me that you can know more about what it takes to be successful as a dom than many doms because you should have more empathy for what a sub is looking for. Whether or not it is inside of you to deliver is the question., and I don't know any way that learning how to be a dom can teach you that.

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to Triskelle)

Post #: 14

RE: In need of a spot of advice. - 10/18/2005 3:44:50 PM

imtempting

Posts: 1280
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline

Have a talk to her. See if she is happy or un-happy. From what your said your both happy in the relationship. As for you being a Dominant well I dont think it can be forced. It has to happen

(in reply to happypervert)

Post #: 15

RE: In need of a spot of advice. - 10/19/2005 7:45:45 AM

blazingpornstar

Posts: 8
Joined: 4/26/2005
Status: offline

What should I do? Should I attempt to learn more about being a Dom so that I can sort of fill in that place for her? Because I'm perfectly willing to try. Or should I support her if she wants to find a Dom for play? We have an open relationship, so I'm certainly alright with that... Or should I even do anything at all?

I know that I need to talk to HER about this, but I'd really like to have an idea of what to say before I do so...

-Triskelle
[/quote]

SIMPLY show her you are the Dom and take it upon yourself to learn what she needs from you. You are already her Dom.

_____________________________

If you never try, you always fail....a piece of wisdom from Masters Witch....nikki

(in reply to Triskelle)

Post #: 16

RE: In need of a spot of advice. - 10/22/2005 6:07:28 AM

Hissweetshiv

Posts: 200
Joined: 6/24/2005
Status: offline

It seems to me that in this situation the thing to worry about is whether your needs are being met. From what you say your lady is happy as things are; but you say that although you've filled the role of Dominant for her, that isn't who you are.
Master has switch desires as well, and for Him i learned to take the Dominant role from time to time although that isn't how i see myself. Again, going by what you've said here, this is a 24/7 thing and you are always in the Dominant role. Communicate with her! Tell her honestly what your needs and wants are and ask her to return the favor. Since you have an open relationship, if going outside it is the only solution you can agree on then at least it's an option. In the long term, honesty is the best policy. If you keep quiet, your needs will never be met and you will never be sure you are enough for her needs.
I wish you luck and happiness
~shiv

_____________________________

"Put your big girl panties on and deal with it."

"Forget love...i'd rather fall in chocolate."

(in reply to Triskelle)

Post #: 17

RE: In need of a spot of advice. - 10/29/2005 1:18:35 PM

evilvix

Posts: 16
Joined: 1/2/2005
From: Langley
Status: offline

*grin* I'd say you seem to be doing excellent.

_____________________________

[img]http://www.sloganizer.net/en/image,vix,white,black.png[/img]

(in reply to Triskelle)

Post #: 18

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