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bar jokes - 5/7/2008 11:03:53 AM

Gabs

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A midget walks into a bar and kisses every guy in the joint.

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RE: bar jokes - 5/7/2008 11:52:04 AM

SteelofUtah

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A Man goes to a Bar with an Octopus under his arm and the Bartender Says

Hey Mack, no pets allowed no matter how strange they are.

To which the man replies

No buddy this is a Musical Octopus He can play any instrument. I'll show you but you gotta give me a free beer for each instrument he can play

The bar tender thinks about it and starts bringing out Instrument after instrument

Drums, piano, Guitar, Banjo, Tambouine, Flute, Sax, and a Violin later the Man is VERY DRUNK, and the Bar tender is just amazed and trying to out due the Octopus.

I've Got it, said the Bar tender and drings out a set of Bag Pipes

The Octopus pokes it a few times and rolls it over then sits on top of it and spins and then tries to throw it in the air.

HA! says the Bartender, I finally found one that he can't play

NOPE, says the Drunken Man, Just as soon as he realizes that he can't fuck it, he'll play it.

Steel

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RE: bar jokes - 5/7/2008 12:16:18 PM

MistressOfGa

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A skeleton walks into a bar...says Give me a beer and a mop.

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RE: bar jokes - 5/7/2008 12:51:24 PM

darchChylde

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A dyslexic walks into a bra.

and of course, if you really want a bad joke...

A man walks into a bar... OUCH!!!

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RE: bar jokes - 5/7/2008 1:02:52 PM

Emperor1956

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Oh its bar jokes you want, huh?

A man walks into a bar and orders two beers. He pours them down his throat in about 2 minutes, and orders two more. Ditto.  And he says (slightly slurring) to the bartender "I gotta piss."

The bartender says "I'm not surprised."

The man (now pretty drunk) says "Yah, but I'll bet you $10 I can stand on the bar, and piss into a shot glass, and not spill a drop!"

The bartender, having watched the guy consume a gallon of beer and figuring both inebriation and volume are in his favor, thinks here's a fast $10!   And the bartender says "OK, You are on!!!"

The drunk hoists himself on the bar.   He stands up. The bartender ceremoniously puts down a shot glass. The drunk unzips and....

Pisses wildly all over the room....doesn't even come close to the glass. The bartender is convulsed...laughing and pointing and slapping his thighs (and occasionally dodging a stream of pee). Finally the drunk finishes. Zips up....and pays the bartender $10. He then hops down off the bar and goes around the room, collecting $5, $10, even $20 from patron after patron, each of who is shaking his head, grumbling and paying over the dough. The bartender says "HEY, what's going on?"

And the drunk says "OH. Yesterday I was in here and I bet each of these guys that this evening I could come in here, jump up on the bar and piss all over, and all you'd do is laugh at me."

E.

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"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

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RE: bar jokes - 5/7/2008 2:43:41 PM

darchChylde

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A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.

"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.

------------

How is being at singles bar different from being at a circus?
At the circus, the clowns don't talk.

------------

Three old ladies are walking down the street. They are hard of hearing.

One: "Whew, it's windy today!"

Two: "No. Today's Thursday!"

Three: "So am I! Let's go to a bar!

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RE: bar jokes - 5/7/2008 4:42:23 PM

Gabs

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A peanut walks into a bar and is a salted.

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RE: bar jokes - 5/7/2008 4:43:47 PM

christine1

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a horse walks up to the bar with his rider and the bartender says, "hey pal, why the long face?"

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RE: bar jokes - 5/7/2008 4:48:25 PM

dcnovice

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A guy walks into a bar, settles down atop a stool, and is stunned when a horse clops along behind the bar to take his order.

Somewhere between shaken and stirred, he orders a dry Rob Roy. The horse nods, and walks off to get it.

The guy turns to the barfly next to him and says, "Can you fucking believe that?!"

The other guy nods: "I know. I still can't believe the cow sold the place."

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RE: bar jokes - 5/7/2008 4:56:57 PM

BossyShoeBitch

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Lets say I have a donkey and you have a rooster..
I walk into a bar and tell you my donkey is hungry..
So my donkey proceeds to eat both your rooster's feet..

What do you have then?

2 feet of your cock in my ass...

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RE: bar jokes - 5/7/2008 5:58:34 PM

SwtJadedGrl

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A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the bar and notices a guy across the room downing shot after shot of whiskey. After about 6 shots the man gets up, goes to the window, opens it and jumps out. The man at the bar, shocked, runs to the window and looks down. Right before the man is going to hit the ground a gust of wind picks him up and sets him gently on the ground. The man sits back down at the bar, amazed. Then the guy that had jumped out the window comes in and downs a few more shots, goes to the window, and jumps out. Again, right before he hits the ground a gust of wind picks him up and sets him gently on the ground. A minute later he's back up in the bar. The man sitting at the bar asks him how he did that. He said," There's alot of wind down there and it always sets you down with no harm done." "What the hell, I'm a daring guy anyway." So the man gets up, goes to the window, jumps out and falls straight to the ground. The other man starts busting up laughing. Then bartender then says to him," You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk"

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RE: bar jokes - 5/7/2008 10:42:33 PM

Emperor1956

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FR: I almost posted the superman one.

A length of string walks into a bar. He orders a Tom Collins. The bartender leans over and says "We don't serve your kind in here...get out, you piece of string!" The string leaves.

The next day, the string walks back into the bar, but this time he's looped himself around himself in a perfect half-hitch, and he's mussed up one end so it looks like a mop. He sits down and orders a Tom Collins. The bartender says "I TOLD YOU WE DON'T SERVE STRING HERE"

The string says "But you are mistaken, I'm not a piece of string."

The bartender says "I KNOW YOU ARE. YOU ARE STRING AND YOU BETTER LEAVE NOW"

And the string says "No, I"m a frayed knot"

E.

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"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

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RE: bar jokes - 5/7/2008 10:44:54 PM

Emperor1956

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A priest, a rabbi, two clowns and a cop walk into a bar.

The bartender says "What is this, some sort of joke?"

E.

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"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

(in reply to Emperor1956)

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RE: bar jokes - 5/7/2008 10:46:44 PM

Emperor1956

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FR: (From Robin Williams, on taking the stage to do a show at NY's Metropolitan Opera House):

WOW. Here I am, at the Met. . .

Pavorotti is across town at the Improv saying (in a heavy Italian accent):

Two Jews walk into a bar ...

E.

_____________________________

"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

(in reply to Emperor1956)

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RE: bar jokes - 5/7/2008 11:18:59 PM

txsubbie

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This man walks into a bar and spies this really hot chick. He walks up to her and says, "Hey baby, what's your name?"
She replies "Carmen"
He says, "Nice name, did your parents give it to you?"
Carmen says, "No, I changed my name because I like cars and men. What is your name?"
He replies "Beer Fuck"