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Confused about 'expectations' - 5/8/2008 8:09:52 AM

curious182

Posts: 2
Joined: 5/6/2008
Status: offline

Hi all,

after browsing the message board and profiles, I've become increasingly confused when trying to decode what female dominants are looking for in a submissive, in terms of relationship type. Rarely is it ever stated flat out, IE long term relationship with BDSM play, long term relationship where the entire relationship is based on dominance, casual play, or whether a relationship or play is the more important to them. Also with pro-dommes, who don't explicitly say if they expect to be paid, whether they are seeking someone for casual play outside their work hours, or an actual relationship.

The more I read the board the more it seems it is the relationship female dominants are after, even if they don't state it in their profiles.

Things I can't decode (when this is the extent to which they make clear:
- Seeking a submissive ........
- Seeking someone that is intelligent, and interested in R/L play.
- Interested in XYZ in BDSM, seeking submissive XYZ in BDSM.

Basically as is the case in vanilla life, when specifics aren't stated I think males assume they're after primarily casual play (if BDSM is all they talk about in their profile doesn't that make sense), and females assume a relationship is an expectation unless they state otherwise.

Also from the message boards I'm reading all sorts of advice on meetings - EG keep it relaxed, casual, treat them as human beings, then others that say you should express your submission straight away, lots of stuff that implies relationship, lots of stuff that implies keep at arms length.

Anybody help me out with this?

TY in advance.

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RE: Confused about 'expectations' - 5/8/2008 8:17:32 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
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The reason its confusing is becasue there is not blanket as to what we want out of things. Each of us wants and expects different types of relationships from different people, expectdifferent ways of being met and want different levels of protocol and formaity.
You cant generalize things, so dont even bother trying. You need to talk to a Domme to figure out what it is she wants, reading her profile is a good clue but its only an indicator of her interests. If you want clarification ask her.
Honestly, some of us dont even want the same thigns from our multiple subs, when we have them or if we look for them. I have 2, and my need sand wants for Fox and Angel are vastly different. ASking one wouldnt have helped the other figure out what I expected of him, even now.

Sorry I cant hand you a cheat sheet... but Dommes are people, each one of us wants something unique and there is no decoder ring that helps with the answers.

DV

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I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

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VampiresLair

(in reply to curious182)

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RE: Confused about 'expectations' - 5/8/2008 8:24:26 AM

MaamJay

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Joined: 9/2/2005
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I can understand the OPs confusion ... but DV has given an excellent answer! Sorry OP ... there is no golden rule ... oh wait, yes there is!
Rule No. 1 ... There is no rule ...

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: Confused about 'expectations' - 5/8/2008 8:31:07 AM

MySweetSubmssive

Posts: 1139
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline

To dovetail on DV ...

Meeting a domme is more similar than dissimilar to dating in general. *No one* reveals all of themself in a profile or a first meeting. While this open-endedness is confusing, that would also be deadly dull. (smiling a little) I'd like to think that our desires and ourselves are too complex to reduce to a few paragraphs on a screen.

Asking for clarification is good. Also, stating what *you* are interested in is also a good way to find out if you are compatible, so long as it is stated as who you are rather than as a demand.

I don't assume a relationship is expected ... I've gotten too much obnoxious email to float that idea. But I *do* say that a relationship is what I want.

Mss

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RE: Confused about 'expectations' - 5/8/2008 12:01:26 PM

Strictwoman

Posts: 10
Joined: 1/4/2007
Status: offline

Well every person is an individual. My advice to you would be to look hard at yourself. Work out what your attributes are, how you can be of assistance toa Mistress. Forget all things sexual for the time being. You should seek someone who you think has intelligence.

Each relationship has its own dynamic, and these things cant be laid down until people meet and then find out the right way forward for them. In most cases lifestyle dominants seek relationships because they seek continuity and committment. There is a huge emotional input required from both people. If you are not prepared to offer these things then go to a Pro Domme

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RE: Confused about 'expectations' - 5/8/2008 12:21:55 PM

firefey

Posts: 144
Joined: 1/25/2005
Status: offline

and see, i disagree that you have to just focus on how best you can serve a potential domme. and i very much disagree that you have to forget all things sexual. for me, and i can only speak for me, i had to find a sub i was sexually compatable with. dominance is more than sex, absolutly. but is it also about sex. you have to know what you want, what you need, and what you bring to the table. also, while you cannot make one general rule about any catagry of women, i think you can make a few. if a domme is poly, assume that's going to be part of your interactions with her. if you're not poly, you might wan to look elsewhere. if a domme from this site has agreed to meet you, she knows you are submissive, or at least say you are. little, subtle things can be done to show her this but it's rarely expected that you'll kneel at our feet on the first meeting. but things like opening the door, waiting for her to start eating before you do, or such as that show a submissive attitude without being pushy. and yes, if you're not sure what they are looking for, asking is generally ok. so long as you have read the profile, and journals to look before you ask that is. helps too if you can point to some line and say, you said this but i'm unsure what you mean. i'm looking for this, is that of itnerest to you?

< Message edited by firefey -- 5/8/2008 12:23:36 PM >

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RE: Confused about 'expectations' - 5/8/2008 1:00:15 PM

azropedntied

Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline

As a sub/slave/bottom , have no expectations and they shall always be exceeded .MaamJay's rule is a good one to follow ,that and the Top making the rules is another .

(in reply to firefey)

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RE: Confused about 'expectations' - 5/8/2008 10:16:08 PM

steffie

Posts: 95
Joined: 6/8/2005
Status: offline

"He who expects nothing; is never disappointed."

Alexander Pope
English poet

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RE: Confused about 'expectations' - 5/9/2008 2:08:09 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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I know it sounds really confusing, and it probably is. I'd highly suggest using DV and MSS' advice to start to clear some of the confusion for you. While much of BDSM is different than our vanilla counterparts, there are some things that are similar. Just like you couldn't walk up to two women in the vanilla dating world and get identical answers on what their expectations would be, it's very much the same for two different Dominant women. You're going to find that each of us are our own individuals, with different expectations, requirements, and situations.

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