Dating/Closet Vanillas (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive



Message

roland23 -> Dating/Closet Vanillas (5/8/2008 8:54:13 AM)

I have met many subs who seem more interested in dating and/or finding a boyfriend than finding a dom. Are they "closet vanillas"? Don't get me wrong, I'm into travel, dining and hanging out at BDSM clubs/events but is it really neccessary to spend a prolonged amount of time dating? Do I really have to meet Auntie Em and ride dirt bikes(or whatever) to get a sub?   



akisha -> RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas (5/8/2008 9:04:43 AM)

First off every submissive is different.

Secondly if all you want is a wack and fuck partner then look for that.

Alot of us want a partner, a boyfriend, a mate, a friend all wrapped in the person we call our Dominant or Master or whatever.

Some people need more time to trust the person before giving up control. Some People give up bits of control at a time as the relationship developes. Some hand over everything with out knowing a damn thing about you.

We are all individuals.

If you don't want to take the time getting to know the submissive and spending time with him or her as a person first and as a submisive second then look for those that want the same thing. Don't complain about the ones that want an established relationship based on more then beating and or fucking.



Sarem -> RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas (5/8/2008 9:07:28 AM)

it takes time to establish any type of relationship whether it be D/s or 'nilla. people do what they feel safest doing when they are in unfamiliar or dangerous territory. in my experience if you dont like doing something or find it boring, dont just say that its boring or shoot it down, come up with something that you think is more exciting and offer that as a suggestion or request and see if they go along with it. building a relationship is really about finding as much out about the other person as you can and having fun at the same time.





OmegaG -> RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas (5/8/2008 9:09:32 AM)

I have a few thoughts:

There is no big thick black line that seperates vanilla from BDSM, there are shades of comfortability, also as someone learns that they are inclined towards BDSM they have to work out in their own mind just how much of conventional norms they want to keep and how many they want to toss away.  Personally, I never was much into dating, courship and wooing but it is hardwired into our culture as the way to find a relationship-- regardless of the dynamics of the relationship.

If you are looking for something long term then you should expect the other person to want to do mundane and vanilla things as a way of building the foundation of the relationship, it helps gain understanding and trust and while it might seem like a waste of time for you, it will help you in the long run.

If you are just looking for a play partner then be honest about that.  There are those who will forgoe the trust building exercises in order to scratch an itch and it's usually a more successful endeavor when you are honest with your intnet and you look for like minded people rather then converting people who don't wish that sort of interaction.



KatyLied -> RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas (5/8/2008 9:21:50 AM)

Some people prefer the intimacy that accompanies a relationship.  Some don't want to do that much work, I call them drive-by doms.



happypervert -> RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas (5/8/2008 9:25:37 AM)

quote:

Do I really have to meet Auntie Em and ride dirt bikes(or whatever) to get a sub?

Apparently what you're doing now ain't working or you wouldn't be complaining and suggesting they're vanilla just because they're rejecting you. So the answer is probably "yes".




DiurnalVampire -> RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas (5/8/2008 9:27:22 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: roland23

I have met many subs who seem more interested in dating and/or finding a boyfriend than finding a dom. Are they "closet vanillas"?

I read this out loud and the response I got was "How DARE they want a relationship?" from Fox, who was making my coffee at the time.
They arent MORE interested in finding a boyfriend than a Dom. They are interested in finding a boyfriend who IS a dom. Some (male and female, D and s) dont get much out of the BDSM interactions if they arent within the confines of a relationship. This doesnt make us vanilla, it makes us choosy.
If you do NOT want a relationship, then look for someone who wants to move faster, or who doesnt want the strings of emotional connection. Some women take a long time to be comfortable wnough with someone to have sex, much less get beaten. They might not be your type, since you sound as if you want more instant gratification.

DV



Asherdelampyr -> RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas (5/8/2008 9:29:44 AM)

I wanna go ride dirt bikes :(

Seriously though, where is the line that seperates BDSM from the rest of the world? My first subbie was also the first girl I ever took to Lagoon, or to a decent resteraunt....



sambamanslilgirl -> RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas (5/8/2008 9:42:46 AM)

what she said.

personally, when looking for someone, i prefer a man who will want to take the time in knowing all of me and not just the naughty bits i bring to the relationship. i wouldn't want to have sex/play with someone i hardly know and trust.



aleshaDreams -> RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas (5/8/2008 9:47:55 AM)

I read a profile not to long ago, a Dominant looking for a slave, stated that it was a requirement that she (cause He was looking for a girl), would have to inform her next of kin that she was going into that relationship as His slave and that contact and decisions were made by Him.  Although this might be one of the more extreme examples of a M/s dynamic the fact of the matter is that most people in my opinion involved in living the lifestyle require the foundation of a relationship.  After all how can a Master master that which he does not know, and how can a submissive/slave surrender her being to someone she also does not know what and how it will be used?  So yes, your expectations need to be aligned with your desires, find someone that is compatible with such.  And yes if you are looking for longevity with someone you do need to share their desires, aspirations, etc.  just as much as they have to share in yours.  Unhappy submissives/slaves are not necessarily the result of being bad at what they do but their service may be and often is the  bi-product of their environment.



roland23 -> RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas (5/8/2008 9:48:16 AM)

I once met a woman over one of those telephone dating line(remember them). We met for lunch. We then went to a motel and had an amazing scene! That was ten years ago. She has been submitting to me ever since. Unfortunately, we have been separated by distance. Many people I know have similar experiences. But this occurred in '98 and I realize that this is the ancient past. Does this still happen today?       



littleone35 -> RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas (5/8/2008 9:48:19 AM)

Master is my Master (why i call him that) we don't  just do D/s we also do vanilla things such as going out to eat  going out for coffee.  Of course we do the D/s sutff but it is not all we ever do because we have a relationship.  If you are just looking for play then find the subs that just want that.

Matt's littleone



RedMagic1 -> RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas (5/8/2008 9:53:27 AM)

Women can get laid pretty easily.  It doesn't take posting a profile on a kinky web site and then dealing with the tidal wave of annoying emails that result from that.  The only reason to put up with that is to get something that you can't get from a bar.   What is that?  I've seen three things:

1. Information gathering to process all the new feelings I'm feeling.
2. Cybersex.
3. A relationship.





RCdc -> RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas (5/8/2008 9:54:27 AM)

Why place an unrealistic expectation on all submissive types?  They come from life, why expect them to be any different from everyone else?
There is no vanilla.  There is levels of kink.
 
the.dark.



aleshaDreams -> RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas (5/8/2008 9:56:21 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: akisha


Hi-jack, hello akisha hope you are doing well in GP with spring in the air.  Was very nice to meet you at Luper, too bad my impression level of the worksop we were in was more tolerant when I slipped out before I slipped to sleep.  Hope to meet up with you again.  Take care and enjoy the summer



sambamanslilgirl -> RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas (5/8/2008 9:58:03 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: roland23

I once met a woman over one of those telephone dating line(remember them). We met for lunch. We then went to a motel and had an amazing scene! That was ten years ago. She has been submitting to me ever since. Unfortunately, we have been separated by distance. Many people I know have similar experiences. But this occurred in '98 and I realize that this is the ancient past. Does this still happen today?       

maybe you should try alt.com or adultfriendfinder.com if you're looking for an easy lay without strings.

just remember to wear your mack (rubber) each time



OmegaG -> RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas (5/8/2008 10:25:12 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Asherdelampyr

I wanna go ride dirt bikes :(

Seriously though, where is the line that seperates BDSM from the rest of the world? My first subbie was also the first girl I ever took to Lagoon, or to a decent resteraunt....


I've got my sharpie if you just tell me where to draw...



akisha -> RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas (5/8/2008 10:28:04 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: aleshaDreams

quote:

ORIGINAL: akisha


Hi-jack, hello akisha hope you are doing well in GP with spring in the air.  Was very nice to meet you at Luper, too bad my impression level of the worksop we were in was more tolerant when I slipped out before I slipped to sleep.  Hope to meet up with you again.  Take care and enjoy the summer



Hey alesha!!

I messaged you on the other side [:)]

Was great meeting you too. I really need to get down from the hidden north more often



akisha -> RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas (5/8/2008 10:30:38 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: roland23

I once met a woman over one of those telephone dating line(remember them). We met for lunch. We then went to a motel and had an amazing scene! That was ten years ago. She has been submitting to me ever since. Unfortunately, we have been separated by distance. Many people I know have similar experiences. But this occurred in '98 and I realize that this is the ancient past. Does this still happen today?       


Sure it happens. Probbly alot. Heck swingers clubs are still doing really well to. But if that is what you are looking for then go that route.



Daddyslilpookie -> RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas (5/8/2008 10:51:00 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sarem

it takes time to establish any type of relationship whether it be D/s or 'nilla. people do what they feel safest doing when they are in unfamiliar or dangerous territory. in my experience if you dont like doing something or find it boring, dont just say that its boring or shoot it down, come up with something that you think is more exciting and offer that as a suggestion or request and see if they go along with it. building a relationship is really about finding as much out about the other person as you can and having fun at the same time.





I to agree with this 100% very nice post[sm=applause.gif] 



Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.0625