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When submission goes beyond BDSM - 5/8/2008 3:55:23 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		I wanted to post on the thread 'When battling between two worlds' but it's become another BDSM vs. religion thread and I have no wish to hijack. I was hoping for something broader and have decided to provide it here.

First I'll give what I'm defining as 'submission' in the context of this thread.. I'm talking about being part of a situation which you cannot control, in which you are submissive or have to serve someone or something else but not in a BDSM context - this could be a specific cause, a form of charity work, something which has affected you in your life and touched you so deeply you want to help others, for example.. It could be a career which requires a little more commitment than just working nine to five. It could be caring for a sick or elderly relative, raising a family, it could be artistic work, music, poetry, painting, art, photography, a special interest. Maybe you keep a large collection of say jazz vinyl LPs, it could be something or anything which you need to devote your time to.

How do you manage to balance it and fit it in with your lifestyle if you are actively involved in BDSM or a D/s relationship, are seeking a D/s relationship or any relationship which involves your kinks and fetishes.

Can you manage to combine both elements of your lifestyle, or do you find you have to make compromises and sacrifices. Have you ever sacrificed something which was formerly important to you for a relationship and how was it? Do you need special allowances from a potential partner? What are they? If you are in a relationship what allowances or sacrifices were made, if any?

Please feel free to share your thoughts, experiences, advice, feelings, memories, and so on..

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RE: When submission goes beyond BDSM - 5/8/2008 4:43:48 PM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline 		When I had kids, everything changed. In a dramatic fashion too. My little monsters became the Dominant force in the household, and their needs always always always come first. It takes extreme compromise and sacrifice, which is why I am in no rush to find another D/s relationship. Also, I am a fulltime student. That comes in second place, after the kids, and I will not give up either of these two masters in favor of another.

The sacrifices I would make on a Dom's behalf would depend on the time available, the distance between us, and what he and I discussed at the outset and evolution of the dynamic.

(in reply to stella41b)
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RE: When submission goes beyond BDSM - 5/8/2008 4:55:06 PM   
frazzle121


Posts: 116
Joined: 3/28/2007
Status: offline 		Life comes first.   Kids, job/education.  Any partner, bdsm or nilla, is fitted around. 

Most Doms have the same nilla concerns as we have.   

Compromise is part of life, we all do it, male/female/sub/Dom.  Life isnt perfect.

Was talking to my son yesterday, He said, mum youve patience of a saint.  My reply.  No i dont, but i pick my fights. If its trivial and i can adapt, i will.      I save the arguements for things that are important.




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RE: When submission goes beyond BDSM - 5/8/2008 4:58:03 PM   
Bound2One


Posts: 614
Joined: 1/11/2008
Status: offline 		Daddy and I were talking today about something similar.  I have kids, and he commented that when I am at home I am in 'Mom-Dom' mode.  I'm fully in control, the displinarian, the organizer, etc.  You know, typical Mom stuff - nothing out of the ordinary, but busy and in control.  He told me how aware he was that I then flip-flop dramatically to serve him. 

He wanted me to know that *he* recognized the difficulty sometimes in combining the reality that is my life with my service to him.  It is a balancing act at times.  I really hadn't thought too much about it.  We're not 24/7, and in fact are just starting out in our relationship (5 months in) so we're growing with it and seeing how it works out.  I have a feeling the most compromises will be made internally for me - sometimes when I've had a particularly busy/cranky/Mom-Dom day, it may be more difficult than usual to flip the switch, but I'm sure a lot of people can identify with that.  It was just very nice to hear Daddy acknowledge that, to be understanding of it and know that he will cut me a break when I need it. 

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RE: When submission goes beyond BDSM - 5/8/2008 5:11:32 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

Any partner is fitted around


That is really sad. Sorry

Prioritizing your life WITH your partner isn't representing that kids, bills, education, whatever; are neglected. These things, collectively called 'life', are not ignored by prioritizing. By the process of elimination, if you 'seed' every aspect of your life and prioritize by removing them one at at time eventually you get to the one thing in which takes priority.

I happen to think that one thing is my partner. In fact it was the toast I gave at our wedding. I acknowledged our kids, our friends, our family as all being VERY important in our lives. I also let them know that as a priority in my life they all tied for 2nd place.

I guess it is easier to discard when that isn't the case, and I speak from experience. I'm fortunate and glad to have a partner who shares the same priority. My partner IS my life. I apologize to nobody regarding that fact of life. My best wish for my kids is that they feel the same about their partner, no matter what flavor they enjoy in their life.

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RE: When submission goes beyond BDSM - 5/8/2008 5:30:54 PM   
frazzle121


Posts: 116
Joined: 3/28/2007
Status: offline 		My son (adult now), isnt and most definately wouldnt have been number 2 in my priorities, no matter who i met.   
His son, who is very young, is not only His first concern, but is becoming mine also.
Yes, we have the right to live our lives, but we're not the most important thing in them. Children, under a certain age have to come first.

< Message edited by frazzle121 -- 5/8/2008 5:32:54 PM >

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RE: When submission goes beyond BDSM - 5/8/2008 5:49:36 PM   
newflowers


Posts: 292
Joined: 5/23/2004
Status: offline 		This topic has been something of an issue for me lately - the last several months in fact, starting when my grandmother died. Part of it just the emotional rollercoaster of her death combined with the usual work and more work and a return to graduate school in addition to kids and work. Some days there is just so much of everything, I can barely remember my name. The area that has tended to suffer for lack of time is the D/s part of my relationship; however, I am fortunate the my partner has been extremely understanding and supportive. There is a great deal of compromise, and what has worked best for us is making specific BDSM dates, so we stay in touch and continue to nurture that part of our relationship. The other reason we are able to weather this storm is a very solid foundation, so two years into the relationship, this is more like a bump (and a big one it is) than a be all and end all problem. Talking a lot helps - he requires it of me even when I don't want to, and that is a good thing.

So, yes, life interfers because of children and work far more than the usual 9-5 and school and other catastrophes. But the relationship continues to work because we are solid, have very good communication, lots of love, and most importantly, we recognize that life happens and so make a definitive effort to stay connected in spite of all of those. It's not easy, but no good relationship is easy. A D/s relationship can work if both of you are committed to making it work.


(in reply to stella41b)
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RE: When submission goes beyond BDSM - 5/8/2008 6:27:01 PM   
beltainefaerie


Posts: 610
Joined: 4/15/2006
Status: offline 		Master wants my husband to come first and understands that family and work can put demands on my time/energy which are somewhat beyond my control as well as his.  It hasn't been a problem.

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RE: When submission goes beyond BDSM - 5/8/2008 7:40:50 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b
How do you manage to balance it and fit it in with your lifestyle if you are actively involved in BDSM or a D/s relationship, are seeking a D/s relationship or any relationship which involves your kinks and fetishes.

The Ds simply flows through everything.  It's not what we do, it's how we do it, it's the intent.

The kink is what we do for fun- along with everything else.  We balance by listening to ourselves- do we WANT to spend all weekend at a kinky convention?  Or do we want to shop around town, go to the beach AND go to a party?
quote:


Can you manage to combine both elements of your lifestyle, or do you find you have to make compromises and sacrifices. Have you ever sacrificed something which was formerly important to you for a relationship and how was it? Do you need special allowances from a potential partner? What are they? If you are in a relationship what allowances or sacrifices were made, if any?

I chose to leave my family so that I do not see them very often.  But ultimately it wasn't a sacrifice in that the choice and those consequences did make me more of who I am and gain me more fulfillment.

Special allowances?  No, we're very freeform.  For me love means encouraging someone to be true to who they are, anything which would come near repressing or preventing that would be very cruel.


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RE: When submission goes beyond BDSM - 5/8/2008 7:41:13 PM   
kallisto


Posts: 1185
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Bound2One

 

It is a balancing act at times.  

it may be more difficult than usual to flip the switch, but I'm sure a lot of people can identify with that. 


Life is very much a balancing act for me.   Yes at times it is difficult to "flip the switch".  So I definitely identify with that.  

But being able to flip that switch, is what makes me who I am.   It is what makes all of life's little pitstops worthwhile.   Life certainly throws curve balls (at least it has with me) so I've had to make adjustments.    Being submissive doesn't mean that you can't carry on as a mother, an executive at work, or any other primarily dominant role.   It just means that you have to be creative and not let those other "roles" take over you ... or you lose yourself.    



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RE: When submission goes beyond BDSM - 5/8/2008 8:25:19 PM   
StormsSlave


Posts: 629
Joined: 2/6/2008
Status: offline 		Since I am looking out for his best interest, and know that he is looking out for my best inteterest, we no longer have to look out for our OWN best interests.  This way we prioritize US, and the d/s slips into the zone of automatic default as opposed to an imposed focal point.

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RE: When submission goes beyond BDSM - 5/8/2008 9:24:30 PM   
smilingjaguar


Posts: 271
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b
Can you manage to combine both elements of your lifestyle, or do you find you have to make compromises and sacrifices.


I think life is about compromises and sacrifices and finding out what is truly important to you.  Many of what I think you would consider vanilla goals, such as my desire to go into nursing and become a CRNA, are a part of the dynamic we have and are not separate from that.  Sir and I discussed the path my academic/professional life would take, the sacrifices it would require, and the financial aspects before I returned to college.  Had his decision been for me to ultimately stop at RN, that is what would be happening.  School takes a big slice of my time, but when I'm working on school I'm working goals he has set for us, so ultimately I'm still functioning within the dynamic even if I'm too busy during finals week to serve in any other capacity.  The long-term goal is more important than scening, in other words.

The only thing that is separate from the dynamic is parenting.  Sir respects me as a mother and allows me a great deal of latitude since I am the one that is here 24/7 and he travels a lot.  He takes cues from me when he comes home and one of the ums is grumpy and moody; if I didn't let him know she was cutting a pair of jaw teeth, he may take her behavior as simple misbehavior and not a sign she needs Tylenol, for example.  Another example is my oldest um started having nightmares the last time he was out.  I came home late to find them battling over going to bed; he didn't know I'd been leaving a small-watt bulb burning in her lamp at night and my um was too hysterical to explain it to him.  A few days after the birth of our first um he looked at me and said "Don't take this the wrong way, but you're #2 now".  All I could say was that it didn't bother me as long as it didn't bother him that he was #2.  I firmly believe that if you bring an um into the world their needs should be priority until they can provide for themselves.  I don't mean giving into their wants or spoiling them or any of that jazz.  I mean that you spend family time together before running to hide and get in a quick scene.

quote:

Have you ever sacrificed something which was formerly important to you for a relationship and how was it?


I gave up my dream of being a surgeon and ended up travelling with Sir and a construction crew for a few years.  I wanted a family and time with my partner, and that particular profession would not allow it.  I don't regret it for a moment.  I can't imagine being happy being a doctor.

quote:

 Do you need special allowances from a potential partner? What are they? If you are in a relationship what allowances or sacrifices were made, if any?


I need my partner to understand that between taking care of the needs of my ums and academics that sometimes there will simply not be enough of me left to flip the switch.  It can be done in those situations...a hand to the throat or throwing my down might do it, but if there isn't enough left the dynamic and our relationship is best served by me getting rest and taking care of our long-term goals. 

(in reply to stella41b)
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RE: When submission goes beyond BDSM - 5/9/2008 3:44:12 AM   
eyesopened


Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: frazzle121

Life comes first.   Kids, job/education.  Any partner, bdsm or nilla, is fitted around. 


Rocks and Sand
 by Stephen R. Covey
Here are some good words to remember and live by. 
A high school science teacher wanted to demonstrate a concept to his students.

He takes a large-mouth jar and places several large rocks in it.

He then asks the class, "Is it full?"

Unanimously, the class reply, "Yes!"
The teacher then takes a bucket of gravel and pours it into the jar.

The small rocks settle into the spaces between the big rocks.

He then asks the class, "Is it full?"

This time there are some students holding back, but most reply, "Yes!"

The teacher then produces a large can of sand and proceeds to pour it into the jar.

The sand fills up the spaces between the gravel.

For the third time, the teacher asks, "Is it full?"

Now most of the students are wary of answering, but again, many reply, "Yes!"

Then the teacher brings out a pitcher of water and pours it into the jar.

The water saturates the sand.

At this point the teacher asks the class, "What is the point of this demonstration?"

One bright young student raises his hand and then responds, "No matter how full one's schedule is in life, he can always squeeze in more things!"

"No," replies the teacher, "The point is that unless you first place the big rocks into the jar, you are never going to get them in. The big rocks are the important things in your life -- your family, your friends, your personal growth. If you fill your life with small things -- as demonstrated by the gravel, the sand, and the water -- you will never have the time for the important things."
You can try this experiment by pouring in the water first, or the sand or the gravel and in each case the rocks will not fit into the jar.  When the jar represents the relationship, nothing is fitted around, everything is fitted within and there's a whole lot more room than one would expect.


< Message edited by eyesopened -- 5/9/2008 4:01:46 AM >

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RE: When submission goes beyond BDSM - 5/9/2008 6:01:46 AM   
OmegaG


Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline 		When people are committed to making a relationship work they each take on each others priorties as their own, his become yours, yours become his.  You work as a team to achieve meeting all needs based on their level of importance at the time.  Children are a high importance but they are not priority all the time and if your parnter feels that instead of being part of your life, he will merely be put on the back burner when other aspects need attention then I doubt that he would feel fufilled for very long.

My partner is first, together our kids et al come first but we do it together and we do it for the benefit of the unit.

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Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
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RE: When submission goes beyond BDSM - 5/9/2008 6:24:23 AM   
pettingdragons


Posts: 421
Joined: 8/16/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

Any partner is fitted around


That is really sad. Sorry
 i agree with Mercnbeth....thats very sad.....there is so much more a Dominant/Master can give....and so much more a D/s or M/s relationship can be....then a playmate on the weekends...though this may be what some want and enjoy in their lives....i have gone through that phase once or twice....until Master for me there is no switch to flip...its is there always ingrained in my way of being....i can be slave to Master on the phone and order the dog to sit in the same breath....i can make things happen and still always remember my place...which is slave to Mater.....no matter what its always there...a part of me...he comes first...but then i trust Master..i know that he would never let my dog suffer and always allow me time to "feed the cat, take the dog potty" etc...for as he is responsible for me he is responsible for those i am responsible for....(or at least responsible for the fact that they have needs i need to fulfill also).as long as there is trust and communication there will be Master ...and i will be his. my 2 centspettingdragons**Master Dragons considered slave and dripping honey pot**May the life force of the squirrels protect your
nuts in times of distress....

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RE: When submission goes beyond BDSM - 5/9/2008 9:20:44 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		My Master isn't fitted around my life.  My Master is the center and all flows from that.  When I have trouble prioritizing things around him, he instructs me and all is well. 

I haven't really felt an either/or situation, but for a few critical times when it was a matter of principles and his took priority over mine.  Some of the outside things I stopped focusing on are things that weren't giving me much fulfillment anyway, and which have been replaced by happier things.  He allows me and encourages me to explore my interests and experiment with them, and he has brought me back into my family's lives. Since my interests are not counter to his overall goals for me and for us, all is well.  If they were, he would consider them and decide from there.

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RE: When submission goes beyond BDSM - 5/9/2008 10:00:59 AM   
smilingjaguar


Posts: 271
Status: offline 		I said parenting was separate from the dynamic, but upon waking and getting caffeine in my system, I realize that the way the parenting is handled in our relationship is a direct result of his direction and his desires.  I guess it isn't really separate after all.

We have yet to experience taking care of the ums' needs as putting the other on the backburner or have any jealousy or hard feelings over that fact.  This is even though the dynamic pretty much disappeared for 18 months around the birth of our first um.  We as a unit were doing what both made us happy and fulfilled...working minute by minute, hour by hour to keep our um alive.  If there were going to be hard feelings in our dynamic over an um taking priority, I imagine that this time would have been a prime time for that to happen.  What I'm saying is that if the mutual feeling of the partners is that ums' needs come first, neither feels neglected or left out when that happens. It also doesn't relegate the partner to the trash heap; it merely accepts the fact that while I enjoy serving him his coffee and beer if the um is sick or in need of something he is an adult perfectly capable of getting his own beer without destroying the dynamic. 

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RE: When submission goes beyond BDSM - 5/9/2008 10:27:51 AM   
DavidsGem


Posts: 51
Joined: 7/21/2007
Status: offline 		Brightest Blessings
 
 We are very much like Merc and beth, our relationship comes before all else including children. Our children know we are there for them, that we love them, that we support them in everything, but we do not live for them.
 
M/s flavors our whole being it is in everything we do from paying bills to my school work and everything in between. My schooling however would be one thing that  I submit to, but again it is a second hand submission because it is a requirement of my service to Man.
 
 However for the point of discussion my working field will be a submission of sort, in a short three years I will be entering into the social work/chemical dependency field...you work for the love of helping people and serving them and definitely not the economical benefits.
 
Blessed Be
Gem

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RE: When submission goes beyond BDSM - 5/9/2008 10:46:49 AM   
domahpet


Posts: 1505
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Santa Rosa
Status: offline 		Zee ands i are both very aware that we are the only adults these kids have. He puts them before me sometimes
and if it irritates me i know he does it because they are me. my kids love him just as much as i do.
his happiness comes before all the rest, like the trickle down effect. i wouldnt be happy or centered enough to do a good job
if he wasnt here.

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RE: When submission goes beyond BDSM - 5/9/2008 12:04:56 PM   
smilingjaguar


Posts: 271
Status: offline 		Gem,

Are your ums grown and gone?  I'm just asking because then they shouldn't be the center of everything, but as young ums in need of guidance and still developing as people they need to be tops of the food chain, imo.

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