RE: Is paranoia my friend? (Full Version)

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Leatherist -> RE: Is paranoia my friend? (5/9/2008 3:03:05 PM)

explore the possiblity of patience.



lusciouslips19 -> RE: Is paranoia my friend? (5/9/2008 3:11:16 PM)

I happen to think healthy skeptism is good. This is an online forum. You have been in touch fort over a year and not hooked up. This alone doesnt show much motivation. Maybe on his part and maybe on your part too. I always expect the worse but hope for the best,

Honorable people keep their word and their lives arent filled with drama. He could have responded back. He also could have rented a car. if he cant afford it than he is not financially stable anyway. Yes, things happen to people that are unfortunate but if they happen on a first date when you are suppose to be putting their best foot forward, i dont give second chances.



Raechard -> RE: Is paranoia my friend? (5/9/2008 3:15:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation
Is paranoia my friend


Depends if he buys you beer.



Rule -> RE: Is paranoia my friend? (5/9/2008 3:16:31 PM)

Wait and see.



atursvcMaam -> RE: Is paranoia my friend? (5/9/2008 3:22:06 PM)

Try it this way:
Keep a positive thought,
Everything happens for a reason.
these tend to be much friendlier than paranoia.
Good luck, and i hope all works out for the best.



lusciouslips19 -> RE: Is paranoia my friend? (5/9/2008 3:31:33 PM)

When I was meeting my Sir for the first time I knew he would be there and I knew he would be on time. I knew this was his character and that he was stable and a man of his word. I am the same way. I had pulled my back out and woke up in horrible pain. So much so that I could not work with clients. But I went to the drug store and got some icy heat salve and one of those low back wraps that heat up. i took a bunch of aleve and showed up. I didnt hide the fact that my back hurt. I couldnt because I was walking very stiffly. he said he would have understood if I had cancelled but I didnt want to. Plus I wouldnt have had a man that I was hitting it off with rubbing my back.[:D]

Point is, according to others and me if they are interested completely and ready to court you they will stop at nothing to come through for you. You would too.



LotusSong -> RE: Is paranoia my friend? (5/9/2008 3:50:03 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

People keep saying he could rent a car...or take a train...or a bus.  But stop and think for a moment folks...IF his car is broken, then it is going to cost money to fix.  Depending on his circumstances and what it costs to rent a car/take a train/etc. AND what it will cost to fix his car, he may have some choices to make...fix my car and then try to get there?  Rent a car/take a train-bus but then, not be able to afford to fix my car when I get back and have to wait to repair it? 


True, but where there is a will...  there's a way.  Not responding to her text messages may also indicate that along with a possible lack of funds, he may also have a lack of balls.



SteelofUtah -> RE: Is paranoia my friend? (5/9/2008 3:50:10 PM)

In the day to day confusion called the art of living life Paranoia is NEVER a friend.

It has been brought to my attention that I have a superiority complex and I am trying to reel that in. I try always to state only my opinion but I try also to do it in an Exacting manner so I can see where I come off as superior when in reality all I am doing is trying to speak from where I am now. I have learned these lessons and want to share what I have learned so Miss this is what I have learned about Paranoia.

If you are sanding in front of a cliff and you know you have to jump off of it no matter what I am sure you can still find MILLIONS of reasons NOT to, this is Paranoia. It's funny thought that even know you know you have to jump there is just never enough good reasons to convince you that it really is the option that you should choose. So even though you KNOW you should jump you stay on the cliff for ever trying to beat back your paranoia untill it finally quiets long enough for you to just Jump and deal with the consequences later.

I find the dating game to be a strange place because I can't relate to many other people in it. I have been HURT in the dating world but that never stops me from dating it just stops me from dating the person who hurt me again. I don't give up my dreams I just make reaching them more realistic.

Some people close off thier hearts when they get hurt, I can dig it, you want to protect that weakened piece of you. But as I have said in other threads the heart is a Muscle and if you never excercize it it goes into atrophy and eventually becomes worthless, Like any muscle when you finally decide to use it it will be painful and scary you may think it will never work again but if you want someting worth having it will take work and a lot more to fix it then what it took to break it.

I know there are many women on this site who will tell me that they DO everything they can and still get hurt....... Yes, That can happen, There is no Guarantee, but as I have said before one of my favoite quotes is by Michael Cain in Batman Begins when he looks over to Christian Bale and says "Why do we fall down Master Bruce? So we can learn to Pick ourselves back up." This is WONDERFUL advice because it says maybe you are hurt so you can learn to be stronger that you are not really to blame unless you learn nothing from it.

Affairs of the Heart can be painful but ask yourself, if you keep dating different guys and they all keep doing the same thing then you need to ask yourself what the common denominator is. You are the only Constant in all these relationships, you are the one who keeps choosing the guy who hurts you. So Change the common denominators of the guys you choose.

Some people say that is difficult for a submissive to do in the BDSM world how can you Demand something from a Dom. Well you really don't if a D type is interested in you then they will need to be willing to verify certain things. I tell the girls who talk to me about these things the same thing every time. Ask Flat out if they are married, Then ask them for thier phone number, cell or home, and then ask if you can call them at any time. Then Take them at thier word for it. If there are too many situations where it seems like they are screning you then they aren't worth YOUR time, if is starts to look shady then again they aren't worth YOUR time. Stop being in such a hurry to get to the Kink, I talk about kink on the same day I start talking to people because it is part of the compatibility I need, BUT I'm not having Phone Sex or sending Nude Photos of myself or trying to illicit them from someone else why? Because although knowing about someone's kink may be important to me so is protecting my heart from those who would abuse it.

Not everyone needs to have my requirements but thay have served me well sure someone who might have been perfect might have been passed up but that is the chance I take to protect my heart.

I require a Phone number that I can call at any time while they are awake I try not to call after 9 it's just rude
I require that we Meet before we do anything Sexual and we Meet within 30 days - Long Distance has proved itself NOT an Option
I require Current Photos and I perfer them clothed (I'm a Guy I like Nudes but they aren't on a priority list)
I require a PLAN! I will work on my end but I want to know that they are working oin thier end to bring us together OFFLINE
I require a commitment of INTEREST. I'm not a fuck toy and I don't want them to be one either I want to know that are interested in ME not just me KINK.

This is the beginning of a Stable Foundation and in my opinion COMPLETELY REASONABLE if you are looking for the same things I am however if you aren't you will have to make up your own list of requirements.

I have been hurt a couple times even with these requirements like I said NOTHING is FOOL PROOF. You can get hurt just try to take something from each bad situation to make the next one less of a risk.

As Always

Steel



missturbation -> RE: Is paranoia my friend? (5/9/2008 3:51:41 PM)

quote:

What we've experianced will always throw up a red flag when a similar instance rears it's head.
I'd say like any flag, take the time to look it over and see if it has holes in it.  


It appears not to. I have never had reason to doubt anything he has said to me before. I think its just as you say, past experience, red flag.

Subtee, he hasnt shown but i have heard from him. He hopes to have the car fixed in the am and come over then. If not he is going to come as soon as it is fixed. I can only wait and see i guess.
The pub is just peachy, im having a night off. Nice to see you too xx.

Wandersalone, i took your advice and took my 12 year old collie and my 3 month old collie out for a walk. It was the puppies first outing after his injections and he loved it.

Crouching tigress, apparently his head was stuck under the bonnet of the car. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. Im giving benefit of the doubt.... foir now. Thank you hun xx good to see ya.

Simply michael, thank you very much for your post. All of what you said made great sense and was comforting! You and BSB are very lucky people. Oh and congrats on the anniversay i saw you post about elsewhere.

Ironbear, i can have a healthy dose of personal paranoia then lol.
 
Treasureky, no that really isnt the guy. Thank god.
 
Ty Stella, your post made a lot of sense.
 
Creative dominant, i know if i drove and my car broke down tomorrow i wouldnt be able to afford to fix it straight away and im pretty well off. Not everyone saves for those rainy days, i know i dont. I agree with your post.
 
Leatherist, patience is a virtue i dont possess lol.
 
Raechard, i have a pub full of beer, i dont need anyone to buy it for me lol.
 
Rule, im trying.
 
To everyone else thank you very much for your replies.
Bad spelling in this post is due to my 3 month old fluff ball of a pup pressing keys as he tries to bite my hand off - honest!!



SteelofUtah -> RE: Is paranoia my friend? (5/9/2008 3:54:17 PM)

Did it occur to anyone that he my be freaking out cause his transportation is shot and taking a trip no matter how wonderful it would be is NOT a priority.

The Car is my Means to an End so without the Car I cannot get to work and make money so guess what as Hot as the girl may be the Car takes Priority.

If I don't take care of my ability to take care of myself what good am I to ANYONE ELSE?

Steel



CalifChick -> RE: Is paranoia my friend? (5/9/2008 3:55:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation
Today i recieved a text to say his car is still not fixed but he so needs to get up here with a sad face. That was about three - four hours ago and i have heard nothing since. Ive sent a couple of texts, tried phoning, asked him to let me know if he still plans on coming up or not.


Relationship or not, I think you deserve to know if he has plans on showing up or not. Even if he doesn't have a concrete answer ("I'm trying to see if I can get a train/trying to borrow a car/won't know if I can fix my car but I should know by 5 pm/whatever"), that's better than no answer at all.

Edited to say... I sent this message 20 minutes before it showed up... dang computer gremlins again!

Cali



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Is paranoia my friend? (5/9/2008 5:19:26 PM)

I am the queen of bad relationships. (well, I had one spectacularly bad one that counts for ten others)  For a long time, I worked on my pushing-people-away skills, while I tried to figure out what I really wanted, and was willing to work for.  Small successes and disasters along the way, the usual.  So, YMMV here, it's not like I have this 20 yr marriage to show off as proof of my mad relationship skillz.

Is there a pattern that you have been following, that keeps leading you into disaster?  Who is it that keeps saying that the only common denominator in any relationshp is you?  Generally I want to slap her when she says that, but honestly, there is a lot to that.  Is there some quality that all these doofuses share?  Do they bring out some personal quality of yours that wants to be fed?

You are a seriously hot babe, and in your line of work, you must get that reinforced on a daily basis.  You're also not a dingbat, so you know that you are not great at picking partners.   My thought is, move more slowly---keep your legs crossed until the man shows what he's made of.  If he is interested in YOU, rather than a fabulous plaything, he will find a way to see you.  I have been to the UK.  THERE ARE TRAINS.  With lovely honey-oatmeal biscuits for sale!  Be patient and make them prove themselves to you first.  Make it very clear that you are in the market for a relationship.  This alone is enough to chase most men away.  Don't settle until you have what you want.  Too many texts, not enough action?  Hey, ditch the bastard.  He's wasting your time.  If he gets it together, he might come back, and you can decide then if he has what it takes.

Regarding paranoia....I don't recommend it.  Caution and patience, yes, but figuring that they are all liars from the get-go is just going to feed the self-fulfilling prophecy. 

Good luck! 



TreasureKY -> RE: Is paranoia my friend? (5/9/2008 8:25:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: StormsSlave

I happen to disagree with TKY on this one.  A healthy dose of paranoia can keep you sane and safe, and help you recover when you trust someone and they hurt you.  Of course said dose should be taken with a very large spoonful of common sense. 


I understand what you are saying, StormsSlave, but I don't believe that there is such a thing as "healthy" paranoia.  As I said, paranoia is baseless... without reason, or excessive... too much for whatever reason there is.

There is a rational amount of fear that would be understandable for misturbation to have given the history she outlines, but nurturing or allowing that fear to develop into paranoia will do her no good.  She'll be seeing problems where there are none.

Prudent trepidation will serve her much better.  That is why I suggested she embrace caution and common sense.

quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

So what if it is TreasureKY? What difference does it make?


Considering the circumstances, it seems to me that it would make a great deal of difference... and not in a good way.  Based on misturbation's response of "... no that really isnt the guy. Thank god", it appears that she agrees.

However, your suggestion of emotional detachment isn't a bad idea.  At least keeping an emotional distance until the relationship solidifies a bit more.  Of course, sometimes that is easier said than done.



IronBear -> RE: Is paranoia my friend? (5/10/2008 1:09:50 AM)

Healthy paranoia helps keep you alive for it stops you jumping boots and all and virtualy forces caution. Similarly, pain is good under some circumstances for it tells you that you are alive.

Much depends on cirstances and the individual. It is reasonablre to say that those who are super security conscious and check their home and personal security often as a matter of course are displaying some degreee of "Healthy" paranoia. No one criticises them because of today's society. I fail to see how this can not be expanded into other areas where hurts have occured.



wandersalone -> RE: Is paranoia my friend? (5/10/2008 5:50:48 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

Wandersalone, i took your advice and took my 12 year old collie and my 3 month old collie out for a walk. It was the puppies first outing after his injections and he loved it.

I am so pleased you heard from him Misst.  A puppy...how cute!  I love them at that age.



Deliena -> RE: Is paranoia my friend? (5/10/2008 7:01:08 AM)

I actually feel quite sorry for this guy - there's an awful lot of presumption that works on the basis of he isn't serious because there's been a few hiccups.

I have a friend who is seriously broke at the moment (not working as long-term ill), therefore when anything breaks down, it has to be fixed not replaced and quite often lived without until funds can be available.

He would fit the picture the OP describes without being a dickhead in anyway.  He couldn't have caught a train (trains in the UK cost an arm and a leg!) and if he did he wouldn't have been able to fix the car for longer as he wouldn't have had the cash to buy the parts / pay a mechanic. His phone often runs out of credit as he has a life outside of whatever relationship / potential relationship he's in (e.g. family, friends)

The fact that he's long-term sick (and likely to become disabled) wouldn't make him a bad person, just one with very limited cash flow.  Surely this alone isn't a reason to condemn him?  If it's not - then we have to ask the OP if when they get back in touch with their Dom whether the reasons given for being out of touch and not finding an alternative mode of transport appear to hold water.  If not - follow your paranoia, if they do - give the poor sod a chance.



LotusSong -> RE: Is paranoia my friend? (5/10/2008 7:12:20 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

In the day to day confusion called the art of living life Paranoia is NEVER a friend.



"Just because you are not paranoid doesn't mean they are NOT out to get you!"
(posted for comic relief)



BlackPhx -> RE: Is paranoia my friend? (5/10/2008 8:06:17 AM)

And ultimately the questions is...Did he make it?

poenkitten



SeeksOnlyOne -> RE: Is paranoia my friend? (5/10/2008 8:30:28 AM)

i dont think paranoia is good, but i do listen to what the voices in my head tell me......the few times i have ignored the, i have regretted it big time.

go with your gut......call it paranoia or whatever you need to......and you will be fine.



missturbation -> RE: Is paranoia my friend? (5/10/2008 11:36:31 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlackPhx

And ultimately the questions is...Did he make it?

poenkitten


No he didn't. He did let me know though that he wasn't going to be able to though.
He has fixed the car today (fingers crossed) and is hoping to be arriving this evening. If not he is setting off first thing in the morning. Again fingers crossed.
I have decided that as of yet i have no reason to disbelieve what he says so i am trusting he is being honest with me.
 
 
On a side note it is interesting after the thread on assumptions and casting blame to see the many varied reactions / take on my situation. I guess it just goes to be proved now who is right and wrong and whether i should have listened closer to my paranoia. [:)]



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