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One big bump in the road. - 5/9/2008 7:29:38 AM   
Dmon


Posts: 82
Joined: 12/27/2007
Status: offline 		(I'm trying be very enonomous with this story, as the people involved have a reputaion to keep, so for anyone close to home, please don't try to figure out who, what, and where I'm talking about.)
Last Saturday, I attended a kinky gathering in the downtown area of the nearest big city. Though I attended this party with a Switchy friend of mine, we have an open relationship, and I love to mingle, no matter what crowed I'm with. Now I never ask, nor try to guess anyones BDSM tendencies, and just let the conversation come around to that on it's own. I like to know the person, not the tittle they wear.

So it really wasn't a surprise that I met, and connected with a local prodomme. I can honestly say this one is cute, and friendly. She seemed a bit shy ( She also wasn't in Domme mode that night), fun, free spirited, and sweet. We hit it off incredibly. She easily confesed to me that being the one in control could really burn her out and every once and a while she'd just like to let some one else take control of her. (I can understand where she's coming from) I admitted I'd love to top her. (this girl really does look so sweet and innocent.. YUM) And we decided that we'd have to go out and get to know each other on a more pirvate basis.

I spoke to her (the prodomme) a few times over the course of the week. It's incredible how much we have in commen both inside and outside of BDSM.  Everything from favorite sports, to TV, to morals and limits. I shared both my Top and Bottom fantisies with her, and she shared her's with me. We made plans to go out, and see how we communicated face to face.

The date itself was alot of fun. Very easy going, but with some romance in there. My new friend (the prodomme if your not keeping up), started to play a very submissive role around me. Not like she wanted to kneel at my side, or kiss my boots. She looked to me for comfort and protection, and mainly let me call the shots all night. I could feel a strong submissive vibe coming off of her. I did make her beg for a few kisses, and used my paddle to give her ass a little color, but there was one snag in the hole thing.

She has a husband, and there relationship is not open yet. This stopped me from doing anything too risky. I think the kisses may have even been a bad Idea, but getting even more intimate without her husband knowing? I don't ever want to be considered a home wrecker, so I made it clear that no matter how much fun we could have together, I would not play with her until she had hubbies consent. This is a real hit to me, because she really wants to be the sub of many of my fantisies. She's eager to please, and oddly enough... is choosing me as the man who tops her. (It's an honor to be chosen by this one. She's very popular at her dungeon, and is pretty well known in the scene. She could probably bottom to whom ever she wants.) But still the snag remains... she hasn't talked with hubby yet, and I'm not going to be considered a home wrecker.

Well the date ended with a few well made plans, on the condition she'll gain permission from her other half by next week. Now I'm a bit nervous because I've never met a woman that brings out my Dominant side so easily. I've never met one that responds to my Dominant side so well. I want to Top her, and take her to places she's never been. But I'm afraid that the husband isn't going to give his consent.

So now part of me is thinking of all the fun I can have with my new play partner. At the same time, another part is telling me not to get too excited, because it's not for sure yet. I can only hope that she honestly and openly obtains permission to play by the next party. (we have a fun little game planned for that)

Wondering what I"m doing... Always!

Joker.




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Wondering what I'm doing... Always.

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RE: One big bump in the road. - 5/9/2008 7:57:48 AM   
subtee


Posts: 5133
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline 		I think it's commendable and quite right that you'll want her husband's consent. In what form will you be able to verify that consent?

You seem to have "fallen" for this women in some ways. Will you anticipate some emotional hurdles with her marriage if your relationship with her continues?

How much do you attribute your enthusiastic feelings toward her as being about her--the person that she is--as opposed to your feelings about having been "chosen" to top such a desirable woman in your community?

Lastly, isn't the beginning such an exciting,  heart pounding, juices flowing great feeling?! 

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Don't believe everything you think...

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RE: One big bump in the road. - 5/9/2008 8:10:29 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I'm not sure where the question applies.  The thoughts you have on the subject are very similar to My own.  I happen to have a married submissive, and spousal consent was a top priority prior to play.  Otherwise, that 'bump in the road' would have been more like a road block. 

I'm glad to see you have similar opinions.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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RE: One big bump in the road. - 5/9/2008 8:21:34 AM   
Dmon


Posts: 82
Joined: 12/27/2007
Status: offline 		Subtee I'll answer your last question first.... YES! I love the thrill I get when I connect with some one. The synergy we had, just sitting at the resturant together, was almost a tangable substance.
But you hit a much deeper subject when you asked "how will I verify the consent". I don't know that I should verify it. I've made my position clear, and believe her to be trust worthy. If I take her word for it, I'm putting myself at risk. (though small risk, as I will have been lied to and did not consent to any such activity.) If I show her that kind of trust it will strengthen our bond, and allow for a more special relationship.
At the same time, if I do decide to verfiy consent, it will be a very difficult task to accomplish. I'm not sure, even with the consent, that her husband would want to meet me. Talking to him would be awkward. (but I can get through that) But I'd want to do it discreetly. Possibly through a trusted 3rd party, and definitely without too much attention drawn to the subject. How I"m going to do that will be a real brain teaser... It was suggested to me, that by laying out my position on the subject, I obsolve myself of any guilt, and should I find out that she lied to me, I can decide how to act on it when I find out.
Now your question about my feeling for her, and her marriage. I always try to keep a relationship as enjoyable as possible, while staying inside of the rules. Simply put, I have no problem until her or her husband have a problem. And yes I really do feel for this girl. The fact that she is popular is a humbling little bonus. I've been given some rather large shoes to fill... lucky thing I have big feet. More than that though.. I'm up to the challenge, because we interact with each other on such a smooth lvl. I never look at a person as Top or Bottom, Dom or Sub, until play time. I found that I connected with her on a vannilla, and D/S related level. We share that synergy so well that "what" she is, doesn't hold a candle to "who" she is.


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Wondering what I'm doing... Always.

Joker AKA. Mr. J

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RE: One big bump in the road. - 5/9/2008 8:24:39 AM   
Dmon


Posts: 82
Joined: 12/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I'm not sure where the question applies.  The thoughts you have on the subject are very similar to My own.  I happen to have a married submissive, and spousal consent was a top priority prior to play.  Otherwise, that 'bump in the road' would have been more like a road block. 

I'm glad to see you have similar opinions.



Well her hubby isn't even a subby. It's very vannilla, according to her. That means theres a greater chance for a "road block". She might have more influence on him if she was in a greater position of control within there marriage.


_____________________________

Wondering what I'm doing... Always.

Joker AKA. Mr. J

(in reply to LadyPact)
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RE: One big bump in the road. - 5/9/2008 8:32:49 AM   
LadyLynx


Posts: 1098
Joined: 7/24/2007
Status: offline 		Well even if she did have more control, doesn't mean she can stop him from being jealous and manipulating the situation.
At any rate, I wish you luck:)

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Our community maybe openminded as a whole, but it is still made up of individuals who bring in their own opinions,baggage and agendas!

Known as SwitchWitch in my local community,and on IRC Bondage.

I also go by the nic SwitchWitch on MDS.

(in reply to Dmon)
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RE: One big bump in the road. - 5/9/2008 8:42:48 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		The whole basis of this "lifestyle", for lack of a better word, is consent. I do think that we all have a responsibility to verify that consent. When there is a third (or whatever number) person who can be affected then I believe that it is the duty of those involved to insure that what is being done is being done with the approval and consent of that possibly affected person.

I can't tell you what to do but that is the only way it could work for me.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

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RE: One big bump in the road. - 5/9/2008 9:11:47 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		You have 2 other worries besides being a homewrecker. 1. Is her hubby a jealouse man. 2. Does he own a gun. Find out his feelings before you go any further.

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RE: One big bump in the road. - 5/9/2008 9:15:41 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dmon

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I'm not sure where the question applies.  The thoughts you have on the subject are very similar to My own.  I happen to have a married submissive, and spousal consent was a top priority prior to play.  Otherwise, that 'bump in the road' would have been more like a road block. 

I'm glad to see you have similar opinions.



Well her hubby isn't even a subby. It's very vannilla, according to her. That means theres a greater chance for a "road block". She might have more influence on him if she was in a greater position of control within there marriage.


Don't be so quick to jump to conclusions, dear.  It is, very specifically, those 'very vanilla' types who can, possibly, be willing to let another have that role in a person's life.  It does happen.  I'm proof of it, and My submissive is another.

Keep your optimism.  It can, and does work, in some cases. 


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Dmon)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: One big bump in the road. - 5/9/2008 12:01:12 PM   
Dmon


Posts: 82
Joined: 12/27/2007
Status: offline 		Well I told her not to rush that talk to much. We've discussed that I'll see how I feel about taking her word for it. That I may ask for a bit more proof. In the mean time, she should atleast try for permisson, in a non sexual bottom position. I really think she represed right now, and I could accomplish breaking her out of those barriers with my close on. She's a prodomme for christ sakes.... So I think she can get him to agree with that, in a short time. I think I'd actually prefer my first time with her be.... (can't think of the word)(sorry). I just think my close on, focusing on her being exposed, would help bring to light the very think I'm trying to bring out.

I see some one who wants to be weak every once and a while, but feels obligated to be strong. I think that, whether she really knows it or not, thats what she wants me to do. It might sound like I'm being a know it all, but I just really feel a connection with this one.


_____________________________

Wondering what I'm doing... Always.

Joker AKA. Mr. J

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RE: One big bump in the road. - 5/9/2008 12:32:29 PM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		The high of a new relationship is exhilarating, intoxicating.  Unfortunately, it's on par with beer goggles; you see what you want to see, because you're actively repressing your inhibitions. 

She's a pro-domme, so there's a good bet there's already some rules in place regarding her involvement with others.  That very well might not extend to her exploring her submissive side.  But married isn't dead; ultimately, it will depend on what he says.  For good or ill, there could even be the possibility that her 'playing around' with you might only be appealing, because it really is forbidden fruit. 

From the tone of your posts, you sound like you're very enthusiastic about a relationship with a woman who, in all likelihood, isn't going to be able to reciprocate emotionally.  It might be worth a look in the mirror to ask yourself "why am I so into someone, who isn't really able to be with me?  Is it really her that I'm interested in, or is it the idea of someone like her?"  I don't say this with any malice; I very recently had a similar experience with a poly switch in our local community, and my story is very similar to yours; we met at a dungeon, and hit it off.  I realized that she had simply pressed all of my hot buttons, was stunning, had many excellent qualities, but the woman was just plain nutso and not really who I had (unwittingly) imagined her to be. 

I hope that helps.

Stephan


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RE: One big bump in the road. - 5/9/2008 3:55:58 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline 		Read it twice, but I can't find your question.

In general, I hate people doing this "I don't want to be a homewrecker" bullshit. Her relationship is none of your business, and what she does with it is up to her. Enjoy your life, and don't daddy other people, we each have our own responsibilities.

(in reply to Dmon)
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RE: One big bump in the road. - 5/9/2008 4:17:13 PM   
Huntertn


Posts: 715
Joined: 10/7/2006
Status: offline 		I keep remembering a friend hanging off the second floor of a building while the "hubby' ranted and ravied to the gurl about her fucking around on him..then He shoved some of his own real shit in my friends face..which caused him to fall from the ledge and land in real roses bushes..LOL..so heres my friend running for my car face full of shit, and blood everywhere from thorns.and all because he did look befor he leaped....point is don't let your dick overload your brain.   And yes, it a vaild point..does the Hubby own a gun?

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RE: One big bump in the road. - 5/9/2008 4:30:54 PM   
Dmon


Posts: 82
Joined: 12/27/2007
Status: offline 		Well for now, I'm enonoumous, and won't put myself in a position that he could break the gun out. But I won't do anything with her until I know I have his consent. I don't want any part of that.Gun on no gun... if anything, a gun just makes it more important that he's cool with whats going on.

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Wondering what I'm doing... Always.

Joker AKA. Mr. J

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RE: One big bump in the road. - 5/10/2008 8:37:59 PM   
Viridana


Posts: 754
Status: offline 		cheating always hurts. And it hurts the one who least deserves it. When parttaking in a relationship that is unbeknown to the spouse of the other you have a part of the guilt on your shoulders. Do you really want to hurt someone who doesn't know you and hasn't done anything to you for your own thrill? Is you getting your rocks of really worth that?

Those are the questions I would really think about before acting.

< Message edited by Viridana -- 5/10/2008 9:02:04 PM >

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RE: One big bump in the road. - 5/11/2008 12:20:30 AM   
hopelessfool


Posts: 988
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		You mentioned in your first post that you have a switchy friend who is in an open relationship. Is the prodomme okay with this. Is switchy friend okay with this. Shes a prodomme meanign as someone else said there already might be rules. If these rules are say, no sexual contact or only play in the dungeon. Can you accept and live with that? If she couldnt publicly sub because of her job in the dungeon and you  were left with only the friend option. Could you live with that?
I understand shes amazing to you, but if theres one, theres likely another... she isnt me after all... (we know theres only one, the world still exists...) It just will take time and patience to find her.


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" I have nothing left to give, I have found the perfect end, You remain to make it hurt, disappear in to the dirt, carry me to heavens arms.....Dear Agony Just let go of me, suffer slowly, is this the way its gotta be, Dear Agony...."

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RE: One big bump in the road. - 5/12/2008 3:23:16 PM   
Dmon


Posts: 82
Joined: 12/27/2007
Status: offline 		Well Viridana. She obtained permission from her husband last night, for play time with me as the top. I'll be wearing my close. No Oral, and no pernetration unless I"m using a toy. I know plenty of people who have working open relationships, so I know it can work. However, I realize it isn't for everyone. As long as she has his concent, it's there buisness. I understand that in time he may consent to more, or to less. I'll deal with those things as I get them, and I will never act if I think I'm doing something morally wrong.

Now Hopeless. As to what we do in public. Well that our buisness. As it is, neither of us is a fan of playing in public. But we can play in private with the public around us... Yeah sounds wierd right? But going out to a public place in some kind of bondage or torture, that can be coverd up with clothes.. and then just going out like nothing else is going on.  We've descussed a few ideas like that... add's a little thrill to the hole thing.
As for my switchy friend. She actually gave my new friend the thumbs up, when this hole idea came up. She is married, lives poly, and I'm friends with her husband.


_____________________________

Wondering what I'm doing... Always.

Joker AKA. Mr. J

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RE: One big bump in the road. - 5/12/2008 3:59:58 PM   
BoiJen


Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline 		If you can be friends with your switchy friend's husband why can't you be friends with this new chick's husband? Seriously, women and men both lie about having consent when they get told no and they want to anyways. And men and women choose not to lie as well. The most well reputed Dommes I know, if they're playing with an already "claimed" individual, male or female, have actual first hand contact with the person's partner and confirm consent. It's not about trust, it's about honor and responsibility and respect for their relationship. I don't see why she would have a problem with it if you put it that way. Him either for that matter.

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