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jadedserendipity -> Anyone ever feel similar? (5/9/2008 10:12:27 AM)
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Do you ever just sit by yourself and wonder what you may have done to deserve the beauty that surrounds you, the harmony, and peaceful serenity? Lately I have done much of this and have come to the same conclusion each and every time which is, I haven't a fucking clue....... I have found a happiness within that has been hidden from me for years and I am not sure what I must have done to be deserving enough to rediscover this. Lately I have found myself sitting here thinking about anything and everything, pondering this and that, wondering what it is that drives me to set myself up for failure so often?.... Is failure all that I have ever known? Is this the reason I cannot seem to stand seeing myself happy? Am I standing in my own way? Why is it so hard to just open up to another and let them know all of me? What the hell am I so damn scared of?
Earlier in the week I recieved a punishment, that I no doubt deserved to teach me not to repeat a behavior, I can attest that I have no intention of repeating said behavior for certain, however after the punishment being the painslut that I am I got what I truly wanted, which of course was more..... In the process of getting my wanted more I went to a place that I am unsure of.
I cannot describe the place that my mind and body took me but it was certainly a new place..... In this moment I did something I have never done, I began to cry just a bit and then the floodgates opened without hesitation and the rain came down without heed to the pretty, dry, crisp sheets that lay beneath me, or the man standing above me wielding the object of my downfall..... I lay writhing on the bed squirming beneath the fall of the flogger, or whatever the hell he had in his grip at the moment, my body processing the pain to euphoria as it so often does, and these fucking tears falling from my ever leaky eyes.... As I lay here with damp eyes that never seem to stop the flow of tears I cannot help but wonder why the hell I am crying... As many times before the question is asked "What do you want?" the options are always the same More, Harder, or Stop.... I am never one to give in (one of my many downfalls) and thusly I say more as I have each time before. He heeds my word and gives what I desire without fail, as I lie upon the dampening, tear stained sheets I am asking myself why I said more, did I truly want it or did I simply not know what else to say? I have reached my answer within knowing that it was my want that conquered my fear of more.... My body is processing the pain as my mind wanders into places so dark, so unlit that I am the little girl cowering in the corner praying for a nightlight. Again I hear "What do you want?" I cannot stop the word and before I can think it escapes me "More!" Some time goes by and in my mind I am unwillingly walking into these darkened recesses of my mind being dragged by something stronger than myself. I know I cannot be here much longer yet rather than say stop I wait to be asked again.... What the hell is my problem?!?!!? I know if I utter the word it is over and he is there calming me, holding me, and whispering those comforting words in my ear, but I cannot do it, I just cannot.... Finally the question "What do you want?" It is as if it could not have come quick enough..... "Stop..Stop.....Stop" intermingled with sniffles and sobs.
Immediately the flogger drops to the bed and his arms are around me as he leans into my ear whispering. You could ask me today what he said and I would be at a loss because I am honestly not sure at all.... He brought me back down yet I still lay there with leaky eyes as my body begins to shake and shudder in sobs. Shallow breaths and pouring eyes, he swipes my hair from my face and asks me whats wrong and I can only turn my face from him and shrug my shoulders. I have no idea why the hell I am crying, I have yet to process and put my thoughts into tangible words, I am beyond myself, I cannot even string together two words, I am an incoherent mess, yet he is still there rubbing my back, pressing light kisses to my head, and soothing me with his words. Some time goes by spent just this way when he asks if I need a minute, I am unsure how to answer this, I do not want to be left alone, yet I hate to be such a mess in his prescense and so I simply say no. He offers water and a ciggarette to which I nod my head, and as he rises to get these things I mutter something about a tissue please.... He returns with nothing but a box of tissues and tells me to take some time and to bring out the box of tissues when I am all done.
I sit alone upon the bed the tears still flowing far too freely for my own comfort and I swipe at them only to have them replaced with more.... So I just sit for a few minutes and allow them to pour from my eyes finally I feel I may be able to make them stop and I take a few shaky breaths to calm myself, I rise to find my clothes and put them back on once more, gathering myself and fingercombing my dissheveled hair in an attempt to make it some semblance of the way it was before. I feel as though it is the best it will look without a shower and some time with the straightener so I walk out of the room to meet him once more in the living room. I feel his eyes upon me the second I round the corner and he asks if I am okay. I go to open my mouth and feel my eyes burning, close it and only nod my head. He watches me as I sit upon the sofa and sip at my water as I pray silently inside that I will find the ability to speak again soon without a chance of tears. I open my mouth and like a direct reflex they spring back to life as he gently asks me what is wrong. I just shrug and hope the I dunno shit will work at least for a minute, and of course he knows me better than that and so I spill my guts to him as he listens, not judging me, not laughing, not scoffing just listening. In the end I felt much better and we went about our merry way and enjoyed our day, but I am still wondering what the hell happened that day.... Anyone want to comment please feel free to do so I am just sitting in my thoughts and pondering.....
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