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RE: Am I wrong? - 5/14/2008 1:32:05 AM

Skully7000

Posts: 377
Joined: 7/22/2007
Status: offline

Many people forget that being a Dominant simply means you have a dominant personality(at its base) as a sub it is up to you to submit to that personality. if for whatever reason you no longer feel compelled to submit to him...then that doesn't make you a bad sub it makes him a bad dom.

I identify as a dominant. I did have a girlfriend who I was able to submit to occasionaly (5 times over 8 months to be specific) but as our relationship begin to turn sour I lost a great deal of respect for her. I could never even consider submiting to her at all.

so for you to say "are you right" ... stop thinking protocol and start listening to your heart.

Is your Dom a Leader you agree to follow? is He worthy of being in control of you? can you get over his mistakes? can you accept is arrogance in his belief that he didn't make a mistake?

this is something that you need to decide.

Cheers
Skully

(in reply to TreasureKY)

Post #: 41

RE: Am I wrong? - 5/14/2008 11:21:51 AM

UncleNasty

Posts: 1108
Joined: 3/20/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

The actual issue as you stated... no, it is not wrong to expect ANYONE, of any flavor, to admit when they are wrong.

But that's like saying it's important to inventory the deck chairs on the Titanic. If there was anything LESS important in this scenario, I don't know what it would be.

He has now told you that your feelings and opinions are not important to him, because you are "just a sub." THAT is the issue you should be concerned about, not whether or not he is willing to admit he was wrong. He allowed you to believe (which is generous wording, because it sounds like he lied to you) that you had input into the sexual agreement. He has now told you that he doesn't care what you think about it, and THAT is what you can expect if you continue the relationship.

Cali

Good words Cali, that I feel accurately describe the issue that needs clearer focus.

So, what she said.

I've still got the same message Cali, and still awaiting your call.

James Earl Jones, er, um, Uncle Nasty

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 42

RE: Am I wrong? - 5/14/2008 11:23:35 AM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

Oh geez, I can't believe I forgot about that. I need re-centering... I need flogging... I need to get laid.

I'll see if I can find a quiet moment to take care of that thing, Mr. Jones.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to UncleNasty)

Post #: 43

RE: Am I wrong? - 5/14/2008 11:31:10 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

Are you Wrong?

If YOU have to ask; then obviously you are.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to Moonchild66)

Post #: 44

RE: Am I wrong? - 5/14/2008 12:20:29 PM

kramasha

Posts: 2
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: India
Status: offline

Any Dom who says it is beneath him/her to admit the wrongdoing is as lame it can get. Remember Life in itself about learning and growing and Any relationship especially D\s is all about learning exploring and growing together. And if the man has failed to keep his word in online relationship than looks doubtfull he will keep it in Real life. Online reltionships are a good way of breaking the ice and gives one a smooth platform for Real time transition. And of coure it is a tedious process. Last but not the least You know your realities so based on them Follow Your Heart.

_____________________________

Give me your mind and I will soothe your soul

Can you picture what will be so limitless and free -
Jim Morrison

(in reply to TreasureKY)

Post #: 45

RE: Am I wrong? - 5/14/2008 12:32:08 PM

Nogimmicks

Posts: 38
Joined: 6/15/2006
Status: offline

Geeze, this is really sad. The OP really has asked a legitimate question based on her own concerns. She does not deserve to be made fun of for it. This question is very serious and one that is important whether the relationship is "online", "over the phone", "through the mail" or otherwise. I will, though offer the onsolicited advice of telling Moonchild that many fakers and wannabees like to engage in their dominance "online"and are quite different if and when you meet them in person. For what it is worth, I would not generally recommend the practice. However, that has nothing to do with the question asked.

The answer to that question (at least in my opinion) is (1) any dominant who offers his unswerving fidelity to a woman who is not in a relationship with (specifically a committed relationship in the very Vanilla meaning of the term) is not a dominant I would be particularly interested in. Think of it this way..... Fidelity and commitment are two of the most precious things that one human being can offer to another, they have value and meaning. One offers them to a "vanilla" partner with great care. In a D/s relationship, they are even more important, the submissive places her very being... emotionally, physically, mentally in the hands of a dominant. Any commitment he makes to her is one that will form the basis of the relationship they share. Thus, it is a decision an honorable person takes great care in making. Now, I can tell you with absolute certainty that I am not going to make that commitment unless and until I know you, your siblings, your best friend, your coworkers, your cousins and everything about you. I will know more about you than anyone else on the face of the earth. You will have the same knowledge of me, then we can start talking about commitments and fidelity. Thus, at least to my mind, the fact that he ever offered such a promise speaks to a lack of honor on his part. Second, once that commitment is given, it is something one takes seriously, particularly in this realm. Honesty is, even above comitment and fedility, the most important component of a good D/s relationship. Even a small act of dishonesty is a matter for a red flag.

Now, getting back to the issue of online romance... Monnchild, I know that all of these people berating you for placing your entire trust in an online relationship seems cruel, but at the end of the day, they are right. Think about it, it may be quite normal for a man to start a conversation online, but if all the signs seem ok, he will quickly want to take it further. Why would a man, any man, offer his unswerving devotion to a woman he has never met? Think about it and I think you will explain the rest to yourself. I hope this does not hurt your feelings, everyone climbs Tom Fool's Hill once or twice in their life.

(in reply to TreasureKY)

Post #: 46

RE: Am I wrong? - 5/14/2008 12:35:36 PM

subtee

Posts: 5133
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Nogimmicks

Geeze, this is really sad. The OP really has asked a legitimate question based on her own concerns. She does not deserve to be made fun of for it.

I agree. She has, on the other hand, answered every post with patience, respect and intelligence. Very cool.

_____________________________

Don't believe everything you think...

(in reply to Nogimmicks)

Post #: 47

RE: Am I wrong? - 5/14/2008 1:43:26 PM

Floggings4You

Posts: 240
Joined: 12/18/2006
Status: offline

Regarding the OP, if there was an understanding of trust, and if you feel that your trust has been violated, then it has. Whether he feels he has done anything wrong--indeed, whether or not he has actually done anything wrong--you feel that he has, and you need to act according to your feelings.

If you want to talk to him about why you feel he made a mistake, and try to find reassurance that he won't hurt your feelings in the future, fine.

Best wishes!

(in reply to subtee)

Post #: 48

RE: Am I wrong? - 5/14/2008 2:21:05 PM

respectyourowner

Posts: 122
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline

An online relationship does not count until it becomes real.

(in reply to Moonchild66)

Post #: 49

RE: Am I wrong? - 5/14/2008 5:52:16 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Skully7000
Many people forget that being a Dominant simply means you have a dominant personality(at its base) as a sub it is up to you to submit to that personality.

That's false. Personality does not equate to orientation and orientation does not equate to personality.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Skully7000)

Post #: 50

RE: Am I wrong? - 5/14/2008 6:23:19 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

If you had agreed to monogamy and he broke the agreement, then really what else is there to say? If you hadn't spelled out that monogamy to you means neither sexual touching nor play but you feel this way, then of course your feelings count and you should not be expected to just get over it.

However if this was because he thought this was acceptable within your agreement and you didn't, then you need to learn to communicate more clearly. If you both feel that there still is a chance for the relationship to work out, then you need to start over as though tomorrow was the first time you ever said hello. You need to communicate your moral code in much greater detail as does he. And then see, without emotion, if you are compatible or not. Because if he feels oral sex doesn't count while you feel it does, then you have no way to come to a compromise.

Personally if it were me, I would walk. Because online does/did count to me. And if while I was focusing only on him, he was spreading his affection around, then I wouldn't have ever felt safe to move forward. And this comes down to how you feel. If it's a dealbreaker for you, then it's a dealbreaker. Besides I find telling someone their feelings don't matter and they should just get over it to be demeaning and disrespectful. And my feelings do matter to me, and I would expect that just as he would want me to be concerned if he felt hurt, that he would also feel concerned if he knew something he had done had upset me.

You didn't meet him. You haven't had him cheat on you in real life and been told that he can do whatever he likes because he's the dom and you need to just take it no matter what. Seems to me you've learned a lot more about what you do and don't need. And that's a good thing. So go find someone who feels like you do next time, because this guy isn't it.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to TreasureKY)

Post #: 51

RE: Am I wrong? - 5/14/2008 10:16:28 PM

Skully7000

Posts: 377
Joined: 7/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: Skully7000
Many people forget that being a Dominant simply means you have a dominant personality(at its base) as a sub it is up to you to submit to that personality.

That's false. Personality does not equate to orientation and orientation does not equate to personality.

Hmm intersting point. would you please go a bit further and explain why?

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 52

RE: Am I wrong? - 5/14/2008 10:28:06 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

There are too many people that would disprove your claim.
I am submissive to someone that inspires it from me. I am not submissive in general. And I am definitely not a submissive personality. I run my company. I have a second occupation of which I am also in charge. I head a bdsm munch group. I am considered a leader. There are men (and women) who would see me as a dominant personality.
But no part of me wishes to be someones dominant. None.
Not all dominant personalities are dominants. And not all submissives have submissive personalities. Some of us just recognise that there are a select few people to whom we choose to submit.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: Skully7000

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: Skully7000
Many people forget that being a Dominant simply means you have a dominant personality(at its base) as a sub it is up to you to submit to that personality.

That's false. Personality does not equate to orientation and orientation does not equate to personality.

Hmm intersting point. would you please go a bit further and explain why?

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to Skully7000)

Post #: 53

RE: Am I wrong? - 5/15/2008 5:27:41 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Skully, just because you're dominant doesn't mean I will or should feel submissive to you. It also doesn't mean that I'm a bad or fake sub or that you're a bad or fake dom. It does mean we don't click. There are lots and lots of guys out there who say they're dominant but only one who inspires submission in me.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 54

RE: Am I wrong? - 5/15/2008 5:35:58 AM

Duskwolf

Posts: 192
Joined: 2/18/2007
From: Perth, Australia
Status: offline

Personally I'd say it takes more strength to admit fault and take the steps neccesary to rectify the situation, than to brush it under the carpet and forget it.

Regardless of being a Dom or sub, being unable to admit you are wrong is weak. Doesn't matter what you are. You're putting too much detail into the question, essentially.
I can't find a better way to explain that right now... But I think the other posts in here should tell you enough.

(in reply to TreasureKY)

Post #: 55

RE: Am I wrong? - 5/15/2008 5:40:29 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Never mind.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 5/15/2008 5:41:37 AM >

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Duskwolf)

Post #: 56

RE: Am I wrong? - 5/15/2008 6:46:49 AM

pettingdragons

Posts: 421
Joined: 8/16/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavegirljoy
You are both adults with free will to do as you please. You have no relationship with each other, outside of coversing over the internet. You owe each other nothing. You feel He violated your trust and He "released" you, so why not let it go and move on? He wants to live His life His way and, His way doesn't seem to fit very well with what you want. So, there seems to be a definite compatability problem between the two of you. Why not accept it and politely wish Him well and say good-bye?
joy
Owned servant of Master David

this girl agrees with joy....you are more likely to deal many more like this Dominant...there are submissives that are worse!

Online is harder then in RL to find the "one" for you.....it takes more "sifting" through the sands....if its what you really want....keep trying...like learning to ride a wild stallion....get back up on the horse .....it will eventually develop into the results you desire....there are so meany threads out there about this topic a search might help.....

pettingdragons
**Master Dragons considered slave**
please hold.....All muses are busy....but your inspiration is important
to us.....

(in reply to slavegirljoy)

Post #: 57

RE: Am I wrong? - 5/15/2008 6:29:09 PM

Skully7000

Posts: 377
Joined: 7/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

There are too many people that would disprove your claim.
I am submissive to someone that inspires it from me. I am not submissive in general. And I am definitely not a submissive personality. I run my company. I have a second occupation of which I am also in charge. I head a bdsm munch group. I am considered a leader. There are men (and women) who would see me as a dominant personality.
But no part of me wishes to be someones dominant. None.
Not all dominant personalities are dominants. And not all submissives have submissive personalities. Some of us just recognise that there are a select few people to whom we choose to submit.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: Skully7000

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: Skully7000
Many people forget that being a Dominant simply means you have a dominant personality(at its base) as a sub it is up to you to (TO CHOOSE TO) submit to that personality.

That's false. Personality does not equate to orientation and orientation does not equate to personality.

Hmm intersting point. would you please go a bit further and explain why?

1) I want to make the standard disclaimer that I am interested in having an enjoyable enlightening conversation and I don't mean anyone any disrespect nor do I want a flame war. I am/will be doing my best to explain my feelings correctly.

I fully admit I'm quite poor at written discussion. which is why I utilize stories/examples of the points i'm trying to convey. having a face to face discussion(preferably between 2-6 am;) I'm much much better... being able to feed off each others points and arguments while also adding body language and vocal tones into the mix of "Communication"

strip communication down to one dimension "text" and I struggle a bit.

2) in the quote above I want to point out: a) "at its base" meaning in the most simplistic bare bones of concepts. b)"to choose to" I added it in to further clarify. I don't believe it changes the meaning of my orginal sentence... but makes it a bit more obvious as to what I was getting at.

3) Desfip: you are stating exactly my original point. in the OP's situation...she did feel submisive to her dom until he broke her trust. now she is second guessing it. "you need to decide if you are willing to submit to a dominant person.!"

4) Personality: "the complex of all the attributes--behavioral, temperamental, emotional and mental--that characterize a unique individual;"

When I say at your base...I'm not saying a submissive person doesn't know how to assert themselves. I'm saying that there is something within them a part of them... which to me means a part of their personality... that makes them submissive.

so at its base...if that dominant personality invokes the submission of someone then the submissiveness within their personality comes out and becomes the predominant trait...if only regarding their feelings towards that person they consider their "Dom"

but perhaps i'm not using the right terminolgy and we are really agreeing with each other and I'm just not choosing my words correctly?

Cheers
Skully

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 58

RE: Am I wrong? - 5/15/2008 11:01:40 PM

masterjim37

Posts: 9
Joined: 8/18/2004
Status: offline

Moochild66

count your blessing that he showed his true colors so early and you haven't wasted more time. Starting something online isn't the issue. I'm not sure I'd be up for a relationship to conitue online very long. You tend to act differently online with someone than in person. so moving to something more R/T sooner would have a better out come. but thats not really the issue. You had a agreement, it got broken, neither of you are happy with the out come. so stay or go thats the bottom line.

MJ

(in reply to TreasureKY)

Post #: 59

RE: Am I wrong? - 5/16/2008 6:21:39 PM

Huntertn

Posts: 715
Joined: 10/7/2006
Status: offline

one..why did he lie about it? Cause He knew How'd you react.And if a Dom cann't admit a mistake..You'd be stupid not to wonder,hell, ayone can make a mistake. thats How most of us learn. I think being away from this guy is safer than being with him.
One thing...sexual agrements..keep the real..both online and in real life..and keep a line drawn between sexual and play...like first most..what is play rather than sexual??? maybe the fault is there {in this one case that is}

(in reply to TreasureKY)

Post #: 60

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