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softness -> Looking at Everest .. and seeing its just a mountain (5/13/2008 6:26:29 AM)
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So we talk about first meets, and how crucial they are, we talk about getting to know people, and how important it is. I often wonder though - because we hear so little - how many people actually take that step, to meet at that coffee shop, get on the train, drive to that airport. Or how many people when faced with the Everest like task of putting their heart on the line, just freeze up.
Three years ago I met this man in a chat room. He asked me if I wanted to be of service, I answered that I did, and we fell to chatting. Three years of increasingly intensive chatting later .. some serious changes to my attitude and his circumstances and I am 12 days away from being with him for my first visit. We are both waiting for me to implode in a world of panic and dread about this. I came to the realisation today that I think that point has come and gone.
In under two weeks I will finally get to experience what it is like to be on the inside of the dynamic I have always been looking for. One that is healthy, challenging, rewarding, loving and above all that one based on me being owned meat. We both want an honest to god, no shit, real damn deal 24/7 TPE service based, heavy playing, Master slave relationship. My first taste of it will be a very serious interview, which if I dont pass will result in me having a nice holiday, and a good friend, but nothing more.
Now undoubtably I will in some way mess up on my interview. Doubtless I will be a needy and annoying cunt at some stage, or I will unthinkingly do something that just drives him up the wall. No doubt he will hurt my feelings without intending to, or push a button neither of us knew about being a problem. Now for years that going out to him has been an off and on possibility I have been dreading the interview process - the thought of it terrified me ..
Today though, I saw I wasn't scared anymore . . he will either be pleased with the real life me, or he wont. He will either be excited and aroused by me, or he wont. I will either be the type of girl he likes around or I wont be. I will either perform service as he likes it .. or I wont. He will either be the Owner I ahve always wanted, or he will just be a boarsih middle aged man. He will either get right inside my head and blow my mind .. or he wont. It wont be the end of the world and it wont kill either of us if it doesn't work out.
Even though almost three years of chatting, thousands of pounds of phone calls, God only knows how many hundreds of thousands of lines of text or skype minutes has gone into our relationship so far there is nothing magical or mystical about me stepping off that plane in 12 days time. Its like a big expensive date. Nothing to be afraid of, just something to embrace and enjoy and see where it leads. So yeah ok I do get a little goey and romantic about it when I day dream, but my version of goey and romantic is like Hostel .. so dont worry about me too much.
So to all those people worried about getting out there and meeting people, who over blow the importance of a first meet, who agonise about when is the right time to meet/play with/collar/be collared ... just get on-the fuck-with it. Dont let dread and fear of how big and scary it is stop you from actually just getting on with it.
Everest is a mountain, it has been climbed, you have all the equipment to climb it if that is what you really want to do. So, do you really want it, or is it just a nice idea?
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