Where do I fit in? Or do I even want to? (Full Version)

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Oergevoel -> Where do I fit in? Or do I even want to? (5/14/2008 5:29:14 AM)

I realy start to believe I'm having a problem here....

Several years ago, I dated a woman and in some mysterious way we had a (for us both) new and unknown effect on eachother. She aroused my dominance and on the other hand, I her submissive emotions. So, more or less by accident, it turned into a Bdsm-relation. It was new for both of us but we explored and enjoyed it for several years.
We always kept it in our private environment, never went to clubs or meetings, didn't rush into dresscode's, lots of equipment, etc. We liked it that way because we found that these emotions, the erotic atmosphere and sex were to private to share with other people or to perform in public.

2 years ago, she left the country and we lost contact for several reasons and I haven't been active as a Dom since. As you can image, it kept linguering in my mind and the longing for having such a relation started again. Point is, I don't feel comfortable in the 'scene'! I feel no need what so ever to follow the cliches. I don't have to wear black leather,  only have the basic equipment, feel resistance concerning the common use of language, cloathing, rituals, etc. Last but not least, I refuse tot go to meetings and clubs, I just don't feel at home in these places. For me, Bdsm is purely emotional based and therefor I don't need all the display and exposure. So I guess I'm a bit of a strange Dom and not being a standard Bdsm-Master.
(By the way, the above is not in any way meant as critisism on others. It's just a description of my personal way of experiencing Bdsm)

Not everyone is open about their interest in Bdsm, at least not in common life in Holland (where I live)
I tried some personals on (even dedicated) websites but that didn't work.
My question to you all is: How in heavens name does one meet a suitable Bdsm-partner without having to plunge into the Bdsm scene?
Anyone has the same experience or maybe a proper solution?

Forgive me for my mistakes, I'm only human and even worse, dutch!
[:D]





DominantJenny -> RE: Where do I fit in? Or do I even want to? (5/14/2008 5:34:32 AM)

I started out in a vanilla relationship that went kinky...a LOT of HARD work involved there, so I don't generally advise it, but am proof that it does happen.
Otherwise, online has been the primary way to meet people. Social networking sites and blogging sites as well as personals sites. Patience, lots and lots of patience...make sure you make clear what you want and who you are and keep an eye out for someone who matches you.
Good luck!



mistoferin -> RE: Where do I fit in? Or do I even want to? (5/14/2008 5:35:25 AM)

If you don't want to be a part of the public "scene" then by all means, don't participate in it. Lots of folks don't. But you then have to accept that you have limited the pool from which you can draw. You can use sites like this to increase your odds of meeting someone of like mind. Beyond that, you roll the dice and you take your chances.



Leatherist -> RE: Where do I fit in? Or do I even want to? (5/14/2008 5:38:14 AM)

I'ver met quite a few fun people through sites like this. I found that the scene was even more limited overall. By avoiding it, all I really limited was the politics.



SimplyMichael -> RE: Where do I fit in? Or do I even want to? (5/14/2008 5:38:21 AM)

quote:

For me, Bdsm is purely emotional based and therefor I don't need all the display and exposure. So I guess I'm a bit of a strange Dom and not being a standard Bdsm-Master.


Welcome to the club, you are more cliche than you know and I don't mean that in a bad way.  I don't do the whole "leather thing" myself, I can't stand flogging and floggers, I used to wear things like suits and purple silk shirts to events.  There are lots of people who pick and choose what they want and in fact I would say most do.

quote:

My question to you all is: How in heavens name does one meet a suitable Bdsm-partner without having to plunge into the Bdsm scene?


Thus the existance of a scene...

quote:

  Anyone has the same experience ?


Yep

quote:

  or maybe a proper solution


Well, the proper solution for you is something only you can figure out.



MichiganHeadmast -> RE: Where do I fit in? Or do I even want to? (5/14/2008 5:39:56 AM)

In some respects your question sounds like, "How can I catch bass if I don't want to go fishing?"  The answer is, you may not.

That said, you might consider making a mental separation between "scene" events and social get-togethers, like "munches."  Find a local group that meets in a restaurant once a month to talk.  No play will be going on there, I assure you.  And if you make a connection there (or if someone introduces you to someone they know), then great.  You can take it from there privately.





Oergevoel -> RE: Where do I fit in? Or do I even want to? (5/14/2008 5:40:32 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

If you don't want to be a part of the public "scene" then by all means, don't participate in it. Lots of folks don't. But you then have to accept that you have limited the pool from which you can draw. You can use sites like this to increase your odds of meeting someone of like mind. Beyond that, you roll the dice and you take your chances.


I surely don't intend to but indeed, my patience is goig to be tested.
So be it!



RavenMuse -> RE: Where do I fit in? Or do I even want to? (5/14/2008 5:43:03 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

If you don't want to be a part of the public "scene" then by all means, don't participate in it. Lots of folks don't. But you then have to accept that you have limited the pool from which you can draw. You can use sites like this to increase your odds of meeting someone of like mind. Beyond that, you roll the dice and you take your chances.


Spot on! To use an old annalogy... If you are hunting duck... the best place to look is down the duck pond.... if however you choose for whatever reason not to go down the duck pond then you have to accept that you are severely limiting your chances of finding a compatable 'duck'



Oergevoel -> RE: Where do I fit in? Or do I even want to? (5/14/2008 5:47:38 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MichiganHeadmast

In some respects your question sounds like, "How can I catch bass if I don't want to go fishing?"  The answer is, you may not.

That said, you might consider making a mental separation between "scene" events and social get-togethers, like "munches."  Find a local group that meets in a restaurant once a month to talk.  No play will be going on there, I assure you.  And if you make a connection there (or if someone introduces you to someone they know), then great.  You can take it from there privately.



There are people who like fishing in a fish-filled pond and who like to fish in an open sea.... [;)]

But the idea of regular based talk-groups isn't so bad, I believe.
I was invited tot such a meeting before but it was called off for some reason.
Maybe I should start organizing it myself.
Thanks for the tip!



Dnomyar -> RE: Where do I fit in? Or do I even want to? (5/14/2008 5:52:46 AM)

Isn't the open sea just a big fish filled pond? Organizing your own group is a good ideal. Try to keep it small so it dose'nt get out of hand.



Leatherist -> RE: Where do I fit in? Or do I even want to? (5/14/2008 6:15:35 AM)

The scene pond is tiny-the world pond is huge.
 
Lots more fish in the sea than the pond folks. Just because one happens to identify with the small pond,does not mean every possible fish is in there. There are a hell of a lot of kinky people in the world-and only a tiny fraction of them ever come "out".



OmegaG -> RE: Where do I fit in? Or do I even want to? (5/14/2008 6:21:01 AM)

ah, but if one is looking for a specific fish that is found in fresh water pools, the chances of success at open sea is going to be nil.

Everyone has to determin for themselves what their priorities are and how best to achieve results, while balancing that with their comfort levels.  If it's more important to find a person to be with then it is to keep to the comfort zone then you have to go to where the people are.



mistoferin -> RE: Where do I fit in? Or do I even want to? (5/14/2008 6:22:38 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

The scene pond is tiny-the world pond is huge.
 
Lots more fish in the sea than the pond folks. Just because one happens to identify with the small pond,does not mean every possible fish is in there. There are a hell of a lot of kinky people in the world-and only a tiny fraction of them ever come "out".


I agree that there are probably a lot more kinky people that don't ever attend a related function of any kind....however, they are a LOT harder to find. Kind of like trying to find Waldo on one of those big posters. 



BlackPhx -> RE: Where do I fit in? Or do I even want to? (5/14/2008 6:42:37 AM)

Oergevoel;

You really don't have to find yourself in the public scene, not even at munches to find someone for you. You do need to leave your house however and meet people. You can do this at museums, I believe the Temple of Venus and Erotische Muzeum are still open in Holland. In bookstores that sell erotic coffee-table books and in general through friends. Just as with your former lady you may juyst Click with someone. The odds do go up if you are at either of the museums or in the bookstores browsing that you will at least encounter one of two with the same interest. You may even find someone through sites like this one and local mailing lists. You can often lurk, read and respond privately to those who catch your interest. Please note however that just like looking for a vanilla partner, if you are not out there and open to meeting people you  likely won't.

Be honest about what you are looking for in your profiles and expect to get hits that show they have not really read it. I would also say, be open to the fact that she may need a bit more than just mental domination. Are you prepared to meet that need if she is the right one for you? It is a two way street after all and both persons need to have their needs met.

Exploring all that BDSM has to offer is a lifetime of adventure, please don't limit yourself before you have at least entertained the ideas.  I have been involved in this life choice for well over 40 years and everytime I go to a club or educational demo I learn something new. It may or may not go into my bag of tricks and kinks, but i am amazed at the inventivness of people and what they have to offer.

Poenkitten (who met her Master at a Vampire LARP Game/Social in his home)



Leatherist -> RE: Where do I fit in? Or do I even want to? (5/14/2008 7:44:16 AM)

Unless they decide to come to places like this instead. Then they don't have to conform to what a group of people in thier local "scene" want either.



mistoferin -> RE: Where do I fit in? Or do I even want to? (5/14/2008 7:50:34 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist
Unless they decide to come to places like this instead.


Yes, I suggested that to the OP in my first post. While CollarMe is not the same as attending a local event....I do think it is in some respects, part of the overall scene. Obviously though, it provides for more anonymity.



Leatherist -> RE: Where do I fit in? Or do I even want to? (5/14/2008 7:52:15 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist
Unless they decide to come to places like this instead.


Yes, I suggested that to the OP in my first post. While CollarMe is not the same as attending a local event....I do think it is in some respects, part of the overall scene. Obviously though, it provides for more anonymity.


And the advantage of being able to shut down and ignore people who try to force themselves and thier opinions on you-huge plus factor.



pettingdragons -> RE: Where do I fit in? Or do I even want to? (5/14/2008 7:56:22 AM)

in girls opinion if it smells like fish run away...[sm=duck.gif]

pettingdragons
**Master Dragon's considered slave**



Oergevoel -> RE: Where do I fit in? Or do I even want to? (5/14/2008 8:02:04 AM)

I thank you all for reacting to my question. It becomes quite a broad discussion, doesn't it? Thanks for all the tips so far!
However, I'm getting the impression that some of you seem to be thinking that I'm not willing to meet other people or worse, that I have locked myself up in my house. [:D]
That's not the case. I'm an open and outgoing guy who comes around in different places and mostly feels comfortable there.
In fact, I have been to clubs and I have met some subs from within the 'circuit' but it didn't work out. The reason, as I see it, was a complete different point of view, or maybe expectations, about Bdsm.
Interested like I am in the emotional and personal aspects, they were more like: Let's get down to business! To be honest, they didn't even seem to care much about who I am, what I stand for as a person. It apeared to me as a rather shallow ''game'' without to much genuine emotions. They were more interested in 'technique' rather then what it's all about for me, that precious connection of mind, body and soul.
This is also another reason why I don't like this scene.



Leatherist -> RE: Where do I fit in? Or do I even want to? (5/14/2008 8:06:26 AM)

It's similar to what you found in a lot of places-all about playing. Then they make a big deal about how you are too stupid or irresponsible to learn any "technique" on your own, and you will have to put up with thier bs learn stuff you can find on the internet anyhow.

I think I attended one workshop on fireplay a long time ago, everything else I learned on my own. And even the fireplay thing was something I already knew from a switch girlfriend I used to have. One thing these people tend to be really short on is D/s and the deeper aspects of it. Especially the respect and commitment parts.



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