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Communication Trouble. - 5/14/2008 9:35:26 AM   
kittenkakes


Posts: 1
Joined: 5/12/2008
Status: offline
I have been (lightly) in the lifestyle for a few years, and was once collared.
As of recently, I have been dating Someone who knows little about D/s.
They are a switch. They enjoy being Dominated, but more so enjoy Dominating.
O/our problem here is that He isn't as knowledgable with the lifestyle as I am, and He wishes to be so He can Dom me.
I do not know how I can explain to Him what to do when He already knows what I like and I, myself, am not Dom.
Could A/anyone help me, please?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Communication Trouble. - 5/14/2008 9:57:11 AM   
SingleRarity


Posts: 320
Joined: 9/13/2006
Status: offline 		There are a lot of great books out there, just head on over to amazon and take a look around.  Also, are there any events, munches you could attend in your area?   Maybe if you guys make some scene friends he could learn a bit from speaking with other doms.  You could even set him up with a profile here. You have so many options.  You're going to be just fine.

(in reply to kittenkakes)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Communication Trouble. - 5/14/2008 2:19:39 PM   
respectyourowner


Posts: 122
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline 		Spend some time and write down what you like. Then let him try it on you. I find that if you tell him; it does not necessarily sink in.

(in reply to kittenkakes)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Communication Trouble. - 5/14/2008 4:11:00 PM   
roomtorent


Posts: 5
Joined: 4/17/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline 		Get signed up for Jack Rinellas emails..
http://leatherviews.c.topica.com/maalriKabG8aIaCxdLfb/

_____________________________

Phil and lilpony

(in reply to kittenkakes)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Communication Trouble. - 5/14/2008 4:45:13 PM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kittenkakes

I have been (lightly) in the lifestyle for a few years, and was once collared.
As of recently, I have been dating Someone who knows little about D/s.
They are a switch. They enjoy being Dominated, but more so enjoy Dominating.
O/our problem here is that He isn't as knowledgable with the lifestyle as I am, and He wishes to be so He can Dom me.
I do not know how I can explain to Him what to do when He already knows what I like and I, myself, am not Dom.
Could A/anyone help me, please?



I guess after all I'm not a submissive. 
If a Dominant `male` enters my life and has to read a book of `how to` to bring me to my knees it isnt ever gonna work. 
Give me one of those that can naturally make me blush from across a room and I'm toast. 



_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to kittenkakes)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Communication Trouble. - 5/14/2008 5:10:46 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		S & M 101  by Jay Wiseman
Erotic Bondage also a Jay Wiseman
The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book both by Dottie Easton

Plus read and search here, bondagedotcom's technique forum, informed consent.co.uk

Enter any of those book names into amazon and a dozen more suggestions will appear.
Find a bdsm checklist, lots of sites out there, and rank everything listed form 1 - 10 on how interested you are. Both of you fill out a checklist and start with the stuff you both rank 10's. Makes for better odds of mutual fun.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Quivver)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Communication Trouble. - 5/14/2008 5:43:02 PM   
mstrj69


Posts: 295
Joined: 5/27/2004
Status: offline 		Being a good Dom is not knowing all the techniques.  It is more about how he feels as a person.  If he feels he is in charge and does not have to ask permission then he is 90 percent there.  Then he just has to realize that there are times when he has to stop and ask if everything is ok or to stop when you use a safe word.  OP if you do not use safe words, start.  By using them you tell him whatever he wants will be ok and if it is not you have a way of telling him.  Leave them out and he will always wonder is he going too far, even if you know he is not.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Communication Trouble. - 5/14/2008 5:51:05 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		You don't have to tell him what to do.  Both of you share who you are, what you like, and then go DO it together.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to mstrj69)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Communication Trouble. - 5/14/2008 7:24:16 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline 		Yeah, it is easy, get him to come over and ask his own questions.

(in reply to kittenkakes)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Communication Trouble. - 5/14/2008 10:00:28 PM   
Nogimmicks


Posts: 38
Joined: 6/15/2006
Status: offline 		I think the answer to the question depends on what sort of lifestyle you are into.  If you are into fire or electro, then technique and knowledge are critically important and he would (at least in my opinion) be better off by getting to know another dominant who is accomplished with these things.  Less dependent on experience are things like whips and bondage, though they too require at least that he immerse himself in a certain amount of theoretical knowledge of the genre.  However, if it D/s that you are into, then the very nature of him that you find yourself attracted to will simply take its course.  If he is a dominant by virtue of his own needs and desires, he will be able to find your needs as a submissive quite naturally. 

Also, to the extent that he needs to learn anything, don't be afraid to teach him yourself.  He is not taking the dominant position because he is better at it than you are or smarter or more knowledgeable.  He is taking the dominant position because that is the position he and you need him to take.  I have learned more from submissives than I ever learned from another dominant.  The key isn't in him, but in you. 

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Communication Trouble. - 5/15/2008 10:42:05 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		Your thread title is your answer - Communication Troubles. Take some time, step out of the scene, and just talk to each other. Try to find out where he feels he is lacking. Is it technique? Is it how to Dominate? Is it his inexperience? Or some of all the above. When you go back into the lifestyle, you are going to have to be at least part-Dom while you are subbing. You have the greater experience, and he needs feedback from you, maybe even suggestions from you as to how he is doing.

I have the impression that although you are more experienced than him, you are not all that experienced yourself. Very important you stick to things you know. The simplest of toys can do great harm if they are used by someone not versed in their safe useage. Heck, someone on here just a short bit ago had permanent nerve damage from mere nipple loops, because the person using them did not know how to use them properly.

Read the books, go to some dungeon parties if they are available, talk to others. Most people who are versed in how to use an item are more than happy to share their knowledge.

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to kittenkakes)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Communication Trouble. - 5/15/2008 12:19:23 PM   
MasterDragon1963


Posts: 51
Joined: 10/2/2005
Status: offline 		It sounds to me that he needs to step back a moment and confirm exactly he is on the inside and what he wants, to bring some rigid frame work to his dominance, to define it, shape it his way, and embrace the responcibility that he is taking on himself. Then I suggest a couple of quiet weekends, communicating on a deep level where all your aspects and boundaries are. Before he can command you, he must first understand you, he must know of you as well as he knows himself. As for me, doing a biography on my slave works very well. Not only does it bring our communication on a very deep level, but it gives me a very deep insight into her inner being, who she is, where she has been, what shaped her life, these help me as her master to see where her life is going, and how best to shape it. Thus I am able to command and direct her as she yurns and needs, under my wishes, knowing both of us are on the same path, going in the same direction, reaching the same goals.

Master Dragon

_____________________________

It is not enough to walk thru the fire, but to embrace it, the flesh may be burned, but the pureness of the spirit shall endure forever.

(in reply to kittenkakes)
Profile   Post #: 12
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