Owner4SexSlave
Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline
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Sleepydom, and others on here.... (using my best Paul Harvy tone of voice)
.... Now for the Rest of the story.
I'm sitting here trying to talk myself into sharing this with everbody. It's pretty painful and it's a deep pain. This pain is in fact the core driving force to what made me leave the whole lifestyle. The core motivation to why I tried to squeeze myself into being vanilla, throwing myself into Right Wing Christianity. The turning point in many regards to where I became perhaps my own worst enemy for a number of years. Denial is truely something else besides a River in Egypt, but it can run just as deep and flow like a river.
I released her (it feels so impersonal not using names at times, but needed since this is public), my slave, to chase down my vision of true love.
So along comes somebody, who I felt that spark, totally amazing, deep and wonderful. She knew nothing about the lifestyle per se, however she was extremely taken in and drawn to the kink and sex. Actually, I was attracted to her, that my whole sex drive was super elevated. In a course of a couple of weeks, she had moved out of her Dad's place and was living with me. Hell, actually she was around so much anyways, she might as well been living there. It was totally amazing, it had been everything I had been dreaming of. About 6 monthes along, however, things got strange. There was strange silence that was happening on her part.
Then the day before mothers day, she tells me, we need to talk. Ok, we sit down, she informs me that she does not feel that our relationship is right for her any longer. I try to probe and ask questions, and she sticks to giving me the same vauge answer, it's not right. I'm trying to go for specific details, and she's keeping it general. She is moving out tomorrow, and moving in with her mother. I felt this was very strange, because she had had issues with her mother. In short, her family background, was very controlling and very submerged into Christianity. I tried to press with more questions, still she would not budge on giving me any details to her decision. The whole deal seemed and felt odd to me.
Next day, she moved out, it was mothers day. Yes, my heart was broken over this. Like any breakup, I went into a sort of emotional tail spin. It took me actually a couple of monthes to work past. We had had very little interaction during that time. She had shown up a few times, to see how I was doing, and we played a little. Still, she was guarded about why she moved out. In all honestly, I was confused and dumb founded. I had to come to terms, that I might never know, to accept it and get on with life.
The day, the day... I remember it well. I went for a walk, enjoying the beautiful day, mentally I had just reached of point of letting go of her altogther. I was ready and open to finding somebody new. It was time, I was feeling happy and refreshed. It was a Beautiful Day. I was looking forward to the future, I was done mourning a confusing loss. I have to mentally process it like having somebody that died of mysterious reasons in my life. All I knew, was this day, I had felt the release of mourning. That I was in the right head space to give things a spin with somebody new.
I was walking up the sidewalk, almost home. Then a mutual friend that was driving by in her car stops. Yells my name out the window. She tells me we need to talk, there's something you need to know. Within moments, my world was turned upside down. News is broken... that she is pregnant. So many thoughts, feelings and emotions bitch slapping me in the reality.
I need to condense this story now. In short, she had become pregant, turned to her mother for advice and support. Her mother and her sisters, convinced her that she needed to leave me. Center Stage source of conflict, BDSM, kink and all that, even how it's unfit for UM's. Sinful and shameful and you name it.
My side of the story condensed now, I did not want to be cut out of the picture of my twin daughters lives. The crazy court battles, the things I was accused of, wow, way blown out of picture and distorted. Even to the point that my family was into witchcraft. That I was a controlling and abusive control freak, that I had just used her for sex. You name it. Every ugly thing coming out in court. My attorney even was stunned and shocked.
My heart was bleeding to death, I even questioned if I was really fit or not. I wondered if BDSM and things I was into was really worth it or not. I myself questioned if who I was, was really fit for UM's. I found it difficult pill to swallow at the time.
This is what made me swear off BDSM, to throw myself into Christianity, into GOD and Jesus. I went totally Right Wing Hardcore Christain all the way. A lot of intense Bible studies, reading, and anything and everything I could get my hands on. I was watching less and less MTV even. Hell, I even made the choice to stop playing ROCK and ROLL music. I quit the band I was in at the time. Stopped smoking, refused to drink beer out at the bars, in fact I switched to drinking Pepsi at the bars. I even made social changes to the types of people I hung out and associated with. Major Changes. Not minor ones.
There are so many things, that have happened since then. But basically, I made so many changes in my life, that it's taken me a little over a decade to slowly work my way back to where I started from.
Just not BDSM, but playing music and being part of a band. To play out in front of people, to play the guitar, to sing, to do what it is I love and enjoy doing.
I tried to shove a lot more inside my Closet Door besides BDSM. My advice to anybody out there, if you think or believe you can change who or what you really are, you better think twice. Denial is something besides a River in Bumfuck Egypt.
We all can make self improvements, expand our minds, explore new things, learn new skills, come to new understanding, Break Bad Habits, or develop new ones. It still does not change the Core of who we are. It's very difficult to actually change the Core of who and what you are. I tried changing my Core, it did not work, I actually had a core melt down because of it. I literally put myself through hell and back again.
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RE: The Breakup - 
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But hey, if you both enjoyed it, then it works for you. But I don't think that'd work for me. Oh I know Dommes are not evil, any more than I am, but dating a Domme would be like dating a lesbian, neither one of us could give the other what they want--submission. And since I'm not masochistic, no point in that. 
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