|
Owner4SexSlave -> Twisted Kinky Vanilla Relationships (5/15/2008 3:21:44 AM)
|
If only it were easy to nicely label everything in life, package it up and sell it. However, I am afraid I need to digress into using multiple labels.
I spent a little over a decade of my life in two long term relationships, 12 years to be exact. Trying to be vanilla, but not really. Refusing to fully embrace BDSM ever again as a lifestyle. The one that lasted 7 1/2 years, that was a long haul. She indeed had a submissive personality. If she had not, things would have not lasted even a year. Another thread (The duality of the D/s BDSM life) reminded me of things that happened between us. In terms of her tossing control my way at times, and well. I was intentionally refusing to take it, because I was attempting to have a 50/50 vanilla relationship. Actually spending engery trying to control myself from being controlling at times. A bit of a Paradox.
I did not always do a good job of it. I found myself at times, giving directions, orders, making plans, doing things with the whole take charge mentality. Then her sudden confusion. Yes, I had this sort of pick and choose moments of taking charge. Peaks of being DOM to the max, then backing off. Confusion and mixed signals at times. Yet, still I did not want to introduce "the lifestyle" into the Equation. I was keeping the closet door shut and closed. However, the ooze kept finding it's way out from under the door.
First major ooze conflict, to hit. My high sex drive. She felt that she could never please me because I kept on going and going. That she was not good enough in bed. This was an issue that got brought up in counseling too. All she knew was that I was not like all the other guys she had been with. Second major ooze conflict, talking dirty and verbal humilation. Amazing thing about the things that spill out of the mouth in a heated momemt of passion. Found myself sitting in a hot tub for awhile sipping on the Champaign while I gave her her space to mentally process what had just happen. Then to have a good indepth conversation that I did not mean for it to cause her any true hurt, that it's something I was used to doing in my previous relationships and that they enjoyed it. Slowly but surely, I was failing at being and acting like a good vanilla should. She adjusts to these things, and they become part of the norm between us. Whew...
Then there are other issues, day to day living things. Slowly, taking control more and more. I begin reshaping and rebuilding her along the way. Breaking her of self esteem issues. She was a factory worker when we first met. In the End she graduated with Honors with a 4 year degree in Psychology. She was on prozac when we first met, today she is not. She used to feel like she did not belong going out to eat at an upscale Restaurant. Today she can go to such places, feel comfortable, and actually enjoy herself.
There were difficult moments though, I got busted for checking out some BDSM websites. I was having a struggle trying to be vanilla. Yes, I do look at hardcore porn. She said had a difficult time at first dealing with the fact it was hardcore and rather extreme, Bondage stuff. She was shocked and in complete Awe that I was looking at such things. At first she was insulted, questioned my morality, we have several discussions about it. She was hurt at first. But she came to be accepting of it. She started to express a willingness to do or try new things out in the bedroom. So we did, however, I kept a lid on the more extreme things. Slowly, more and more ooze came out from under the closet door.
Still, I refused to fully open up pandora's box! I was avoiding trying to transform our relationship into a Lifestyle relationship. She had 4 UMs and well, part of me felt, that this was all the more reason to keep a lid on things. At least try to live a somewhat normal vanilla day to day life.
There was the growing thirst for more, and more. A great source of internal conflict. I was fighting with myself, my fantasies, my thoughts, and I started to feel a bit trapped. Other things happened. My grandmother/mother figure committed suicide the night before she was to go into a nursing home. Around year number 5 of our relationship, she ended up living with us. A couple of monthes before this, I spent 21 days in the hospital. It was only supposed to be 4 days for recovery for the corrective surgery. A few monthes after my mothers death, I quit my job, the owner was engaging in some shady business practices and I was not going a long with playing cover up. I refused to go to Investor meetings and tell outright lies,
In a span of 6 monthes, I felt like I had been literally taken down to my knees. Burned out and Drained. In fact, my DOM core coil just melted and collapsed. She totally hated seeing me in this condition, and was at a great loss. Everything that had happened actually had taken a toll on her too. We both had shame and guilt connected with my Grandmothers suicide. Had to deal with adjustments to me taking a lower paying job. She was just finishing up her last semester of college.
Crap now, what the hell is my point to this post. Oh yeah, it's about Twisted Kinky Vanilla Relationships. Not really vanilla, but not really a BDSM lifestyle relationship either.
I wish I could sum things up simple and sweet at times. Such as I have x number of years experience. That I have trained 101 slaves, or been active in the community for x number of years. There are some experiences I've gone through, that are priceless though.
It's difficult to fit my life all nice and neat into single labels. At times, I need to use multple labels, and even sub-labels or titles.
I'm trying to share things with people on here as a human being. Not some over inflated larger than life image of Man Dressed in Black Leather, with slaves kept naked and chained to my basement walls. Though I have had momemts where I chained somebody up naked to the basement wall and had my way with 'em.
|
|
|
|
