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Aftercare - 5/15/2008 4:39:23 AM   
im4realsub


Posts: 13
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline 		Greetings all...

In your opinion is it important to give a submissive aftercare after a scene/session/play (whatever you choose to call it) or does it depend on what kind of session it is?  Should it only be given if pain is administered, or if the submissive spaces?  Should it be given after an intense evening of degradation or humiliation?

i am the owner of my own lifestyle group in yahoo and want to pose this question to my members.  But first i'd like to hear the opinions of others.

Have a wonderful day!
shadoe
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Aftercare - 5/15/2008 4:43:05 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Have them take a cold shower. It works for men.

(in reply to im4realsub)
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RE: Aftercare - 5/15/2008 4:45:31 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline 		Care should always be given. Before during and after.

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RE: Aftercare - 5/15/2008 4:50:21 AM   
tag8833


Posts: 67
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		If you are scening with a sub you don't know, you should always give aftercare.  It helps to prevent sub drop, which can make them never want to play with you again.  Once you have alot of experience with the sub, you will understand exactly what type of scenes require followup and which ones they aren't phased by.

I once played with a sub who needed aftercare just as much after a humiliation scene as a caning.  We are all wired differently, and it is right to acknowledge this.

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Aftercare - 5/15/2008 5:02:38 AM   
JohnWarren


Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline 		It all depends on the submissive.  I personally prefer cuddle time.  In fact, Libby and I often use cuddling to determine the orientation of a new play partner by cuddling her on both sides and seeing which way she turns.

However, I know of a number of subs who want to be left alone after a scene and others who get a burst of energy and want to get up and "do something."

For us, it's an important part of the negotiations beforehand

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(in reply to im4realsub)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Aftercare - 5/15/2008 5:13:53 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Depends on the sub in question. Some want it, others don't. If they process better while left alone or while cleaning up, then not intruding is appropriate. If they feel worse if you ignore them afterwards then don't do that. You're supposed to treat other people in such ways that make them want to be with you again, simple manners.

We don't do degradation/humiliation/objectifying so can't speak to that directly. But physically, if I'm shaking with chills afterwards and can't uncurl from a ball long enough to get a blanket then it would be pretty damned rude of him to not get the blanket for me and tuck me in. If that had been his style, then I wouldn't still be with him. He's had to make me hot tea and hold the cup to my lips because the shakes have been that bad.

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RE: Aftercare - 5/15/2008 5:14:45 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		AFtercare is very subjective. Angel doesnt usually need more than a few minutes of petting after a very intense scene before he is up and ready to go (or more often ready to sleep). Fox has varied needs depending on what sort of scene it was how intense and how long. It can be anything from cuddling to ice cream. WHAT the after care is can also be personal. LikeI said with Fox, it can be anything from cuddles to Ice Cream. We have found that when we have particularly intense emotional scenes, very masochistic or if he cries... ice cream keeps him from having nightmares that night. Are they necessarily related... no, but it was frequently timed just so it seemed they might be, and the ice cream has stopped the pairing. So, we use it. Besides which we both enjoy sitting together and having out ice cream afterwards.

DV


_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to JohnWarren)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Aftercare - 5/15/2008 5:25:39 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		Personally i need a cuddle then leaving alone for 3 days or so. I like to retreat into myself.

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Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Aftercare - 5/15/2008 6:20:50 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		I read once, and it may have even been in The Loving Dominant (thanks, author) that some people need as much time in aftercare as during a session - especially if things were intense. 

It may sound funny, but when I need aftercare the most is the day after.  The better the session the more I seem to need it.  I just need to have the validation that the goodness wasn't just in my mind, but that it was something special to my Master.  Conversely, the better it was for Him the less likely He seems to need to get back in touch with me right away - He is fully sated.

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RE: Aftercare - 5/15/2008 6:34:01 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: im4realsub
In your opinion is it important to give a submissive aftercare after a scene/session/play (whatever you choose to call it) or does it depend on what kind of session it is?  Should it only be given if pain is administered, or if the submissive spaces?  Should it be given after an intense evening of degradation or humiliation?

i am the owner of my own lifestyle group in yahoo and want to pose this question to my members.  But first i'd like to hear the opinions of others.

It depends on the people more than the kink.  It should be given if it was agreed upon to give, by both top and bottom.  Otherwise, it's whatever you feel like doing.


http://www.collarchat.com/m_883031/mpage_1/key_top%252Cdrop/tm.htm#883388
TopDrop/subdrop and Aftercare

http://www.collarchat.com/m_772983/mpage_1/key_aftercare/tm.htm#773055
how much is "too much" aftercare?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_725006/mpage_1/key_aftercare/tm.htm#725011
aftercare, the top side?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_598726/mpage_1/key_aftercare/tm.htm#599129
aftercare in ltr and casual play

http://www.collarchat.com/m_495421/mpage_1/key_aftercare/tm.htm#496775
aftercare- when to offer it and how much?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_491455/mpage_1/key_aftercare/tm.htm#492065
aftercare


http://www.collarchat.com/m_743958/mpage_1/key_sub%252Cdrop/tm.htm#744221
sub drop please help

http://www.collarchat.com/m_649399/mpage_1/key_subdrop/tm.htm#649697
Coming down from the glorious heights

http://www.collarchat.com/m_522013/mpage_1/key_sub%252Cdrop/tm.htm#522021
sub drop, definitions, causes, cures, and prevention

http://www.collarchat.com/m_512884/mpage_1/key_sub%252Cdrop/tm.htm#513003
Your insight is needed please

http://www.collarchat.com/m_487853/mpage_1/key_sub%252Cdrop/tm.htm#488083
sub drop (2)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_460639/mpage_1/key_subdrop/tm.htm#460834
regaining balance after deep subspace

http://www.collarchat.com/m_202168/mpage_1/key_sub%252Cdrop/tm.htm#202459
sub-drop what is it?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_345419/mpage_1/key_sub%252Cdrop/tm.htm#345462
highs and lows

http://www.collarchat.com/m_398653/mpage_1/key_sub%252Cdrop/tm.htm#399164
subdrop or what?

Is it drop or am I kidding myself?

Depression after a scene

Sub Drop

Nervous sub seeks reassurance

sleeping...


_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to im4realsub)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Aftercare - 5/15/2008 5:04:56 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		It's going to depend on the person. I've met some who don't want aftercare. It also depends on the Top. I know some who must give aftercare...it's their own aftercare. We need it, too, sometimes.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to im4realsub)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Aftercare - 5/15/2008 5:23:08 PM   
fairerthanshe


Posts: 3035
Joined: 1/18/2007
Status: offline 		Greetings all,

I have never felt like I needed a lot of aftercare.  I like to curl up and be still after getting a drink for whoever I scened with. 

A couple of weeks ago, I had the awesome privilege to play with LA and it was amazing.  She took care of me in so many ways during the scene and then took me into shower after and dried me off, dressed me - just made me feel incredible all over again.  I never knew aftercare could feel so great!

What a blessing to get to play with her in the first place and then to get to experience aftercare with her - we are the lucky ones to have LA involved in the Austin scene!

well wishes ~ fairer than she


_____________________________

The Nuclear Bomb of Awesome, rockin' the MoFo Hawk, still a bad-ass with a bouncy attitude, and spreading joy as a predator in Hello Kitty panties

Recently honored with membership in the West Coast Assholes

(in reply to im4realsub)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Aftercare - 5/15/2008 6:31:17 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fairerthanshe
Greetings all,

I have never felt like I needed a lot of aftercare.  I like to curl up and be still after getting a drink for whoever I scened with. 

A couple of weeks ago, I had the awesome privilege to play with LA and it was amazing.  She took care of me in so many ways during the scene and then took me into shower after and dried me off, dressed me - just made me feel incredible all over again.  I never knew aftercare could feel so great!

What a blessing to get to play with her in the first place and then to get to experience aftercare with her - we are the lucky ones to have LA involved in the Austin scene!

well wishes ~ fairer than she

Um ok wow, you are awesome, I can't thank you enough.

But to be clear, you were the one dropped then hightailed it straight through a whole crowded house and told me you needed a shower.  And you were the one two minutes later grabbing drinks for other guests and glowy and chatty- normal with just a hint of glisten in your eyes.

My aftercare there consisted of being there, drying you off, dressing you, some bit of cuddling and then asking "So you're ok?"  "Really, you're good?"  "You sure?"

:)



_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to fairerthanshe)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Aftercare - 5/15/2008 6:41:11 PM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: im4realsub

Greetings all...

In your opinion is it important to give a submissive aftercare after a scene/session/play (whatever you choose to call it) or does it depend on what kind of session it is?  Should it only be given if pain is administered, or if the submissive spaces?  Should it be given after an intense evening of degradation or humiliation?


It's only important when it's important.  Regardless of the type of scene or how hard it is aftercare may or may not be needed or wanted and how much it's needed or wanted is also variable.

Personally, when I bottom I don't need or want aftercare 99% of the time.  I'm more likely to need aftercare when I TOP... but then usually not from the person I was scening with; in fact, usually that's the last person I want aftercare from because that's where my energy-drain was directed and I need a break from.

Some people need it, some don't.  Sometimes it's a unwanted, sometimes it's a pressing neeed.

I'd say aftercare can be important, but it's not inherently. No.

_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

Minimal summary: Artist, Disabled Veteran, Vegan, Pornographer, and Agender dominant female.

(in reply to im4realsub)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Aftercare - 5/15/2008 8:55:51 PM   
fairerthanshe


Posts: 3035
Joined: 1/18/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: fairerthanshe
Greetings all,

I have never felt like I needed a lot of aftercare.  I like to curl up and be still after getting a drink for whoever I scened with. 

A couple of weeks ago, I had the awesome privilege to play with LA and it was amazing.  She took care of me in so many ways during the scene and then took me into shower after and dried me off, dressed me - just made me feel incredible all over again.  I never knew aftercare could feel so great!

What a blessing to get to play with her in the first place and then to get to experience aftercare with her - we are the lucky ones to have LA involved in the Austin scene!

well wishes ~ fairer than she

Um ok wow, you are awesome, I can't thank you enough.

But to be clear, you were the one dropped then hightailed it straight through a whole crowded house and told me you needed a shower.  And you were the one two minutes later grabbing drinks for other guests and glowy and chatty- normal with just a hint of glisten in your eyes.

My aftercare there consisted of being there, drying you off, dressing you, some bit of cuddling and then asking "So you're ok?"  "Really, you're good?"  "You sure?"

:)




Greetings LA,

You did a lot more than that for me - I assure you!  You are an amazing woman and I can't wait til we can be together again...

Especially now that you have made me so incredibly horny this evening! grrrr...lol

well wishes ~ fairer


_____________________________

The Nuclear Bomb of Awesome, rockin' the MoFo Hawk, still a bad-ass with a bouncy attitude, and spreading joy as a predator in Hello Kitty panties

Recently honored with membership in the West Coast Assholes

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Aftercare - 5/16/2008 5:27:25 AM   
im4realsub


Posts: 13
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline 		i thank you all for your input...in a particuliar situation i know the submissive has expressed the deep need for aftercare.  Especially after some very intense scenes.  she always makes sure her Master is taken care of, but then He just basically up and leaves.  This causing her to go into deep sub drop.  i'm at the point where i don't know where to guide her anymore.  Giving Him up is not an option to her. 

(in reply to fairerthanshe)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Aftercare - 5/16/2008 5:31:38 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		She needs to tell him she needs something afterwards. You canot provide aftercare for her when you arent the only plaing, unless you are waiting in the rafters for him to leave. She needs to tell him that she has been having trouble and then see what he does about it. If it hasnt ben raised as an isue, he might not know. Dominants are not mind readers, and we do not all assume that someone needs aftercare.

DV


_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to im4realsub)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Aftercare - 5/16/2008 6:22:09 AM   
lanie38


Posts: 120
Joined: 9/14/2007
Status: offline 		~FR~
Everybody's different...personally, fucking is usually my aftercare...too much cuddling and cooing ruins it for me...

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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Aftercare - 5/16/2008 7:53:01 AM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		Aftercare is a very personal thing ... as has been said, some need it and want it, others don't and that's on both sides of the slash. Which is why I think it is most important to negotiate about it beforehand ... express to each other what you believe your need to be to the best of your current knowledge. I know as a Domme that I have a need to give aftercare as that is My aftercare ... it's in that connection and cuddles that My pleasure in the work I have done is fulfilled. So I wouldn't generally choose to scene with subs that know that they hate aftercare and just want to run away and keep to themselves ... because I know then I wouldn't feel happy or satisfied. Instead I would feel used and abused (been there, felt that and it was horrible). Similarly, as a sub, i really like cuddling and the knowledge that Master will fetch me a drink, wrap me up in a blanket and stay with me. i would feel bereft without that ... and i deliberately chose a Master who likes to do that. This is an important part of the compatability equation in my book.

I did say before about "current knowledge". Situations can and do change ... someone who may not have needed much aftercare before may find themselves needing this or vice versa. Negotiations don't only occur at the start of a relationship ... they should be ongoing. So changing needs should be expressed and ideally, responded to. In the case of the OPs friend, she really needs to communicate clearly to her Dom about the sub drop, how bad it is, and how aftercare may help to prevent or ameliorate that. I believe most reasonable Doms would take that on board and, in the interests of having a healthy sub to play with, would attempt to assist.

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Aftercare - 5/16/2008 7:55:28 AM   
pettingdragons


Posts: 421
Joined: 8/16/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
It depends on the people more than the kink.  It should be given if it was agreed upon to give, by both top and bottom.  Otherwise, it's whatever you feel like doing.



LMAO....if i ever need a reference i follow your threads and i always have a list of information...thanks!!! 

pettingdragons
**Master Dragons considered slave**

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 20
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