Ditto and other bad communication (Full Version)

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LadyPact -> Ditto and other bad communication (5/15/2008 5:40:16 AM)

In the movie Ghost, there's a scene where the following exchange occurs:

"Tell her I love her."
"He says he loves you."
"Sam would never say that."
"Ditto.  Tell her ditto."

Of course, in the movie, this is how Molly knows that it really is Sam talking through Oda Mae.  In their movie romance, Sam always used the term 'ditto' to mean that he loved her, without saying the actual words of 'I love you'.

I realized this morning that I have a habit of bad communication of My own that is very similar.  I don't do it when things are going well.  I tend to do it when there is a bump in the road between My sub and Myself.  When things are good, I have no problem asking him if he is happy in his submission to Me.  When there is as problem, I change My wording.  Then it becomes, "How is the collar fitting on your neck?"

Where I picked up this particular habit, I can't really put My finger on at the moment.  I tend to think that I phrase it that way when things are bumpy because it's easier for Me to accept a disappointing answer, should I receive one.  Just like in the exchange I referred to above, it's fear based that I don't say a particular thing, and rather substitute one phrase for another.  In My case, it's easier for Me to hear that he is unhappy with the physical object (I know that's not the what the collar represents.... that's another issue) than he would be unhappy serving Me in particular.

So, as I became aware of this little flaw in My means of communication, I was wondering if anyone else has identified something similar in themselves.  Are there things you phrase differently in your dynamic because there is an ulterior motive to not saying something directly?  Does anyone have a phrase that they use, that really means something else?


One side note, I am happy to say that My sub did say his collar fit him just fine this morning.

Thanks in advance for those who are willing to contribute to the thread.



camille65 -> RE: Ditto and other bad communication (5/15/2008 5:48:22 AM)

Ohjeez that's how my entire family communicates.Good golf, dad in okay health.Struggling with a painting, mother unhappy.Etc. I've worked really hard to remove that from all communication outside my family. There are occasions with my owner where I give keywords instead of full descriptions, then he pulls the rest out of me. Extreme stress or having a very bad pain day is typically what causes it. 'Mickey (my dog) is hyper today' translates to: I've been unable to get out of bed today & I'm angry. Certain phrases about the weather are also codes. That part is family-talk that I've been unable to eradicate so far. Friends don't pick up on that, but R does. He is soooo good to me, and patient with me.Damn I'm lucky!



Dnomyar -> RE: Ditto and other bad communication (5/15/2008 5:50:51 AM)

I have noticed that some women say No when they really mean Yes. Why do you consider it a flaw?



Madame4a -> RE: Ditto and other bad communication (5/15/2008 6:00:08 AM)

I know we have phrases like that, and most of them center around olives... (long boring story only funny for us) -- but I have to say.. I love this "How is the collar fitting on your neck?"
 
I think its a great way to open a conversation that can just be about the physical collar or more... I love the double meaning...

thanks for this... I believe people who are close develop their own language and ways of communicating, good and bad -- we try to use what works for us.

Oh, I nearly forgot.. and should add.. we communicate through ASL a lot!  We use it when we're in the same space but too far to hear one another... often in play space.. or just when we don't want everyone else to know what we're saying.  I'm not fluent but I've learned what I need to get by with my boi.  We also use the ASL I love you a lot.. she'll just put her hand on my thigh with that sign... even if we're sitting together...



lizcgirl -> RE: Ditto and other bad communication (5/15/2008 6:06:10 AM)

"Love you too."
 
If I say it like that, with about as much as emotion as I would have saying "it rained today", there's something wrong. I personally do it because if I'm upset i know I still love that person, I just don't want to feel it or aknowledge it at the moment with the sincerity it deserves but I don't want to NOT respond either. It usually goes unnoticed and I simmer for a while then I'm fine. It's a bad habit.



chamberqueen -> RE: Ditto and other bad communication (5/15/2008 6:11:36 AM)

When my Daddy first became my Master, and we were talking online, I found myself saying "Yes, Daddy" if I wholeheartedly agreed with a command or task and "Yes, Sir" if it was something that I really didn't want to do.  I never told Him the difference.  (Thankfully I got over that quickly, and now when I say "Yes, Sir" I really mean it.)

If I was asked how my collar fit I think I would panic and feel that I was being asked if I still wanted the privilege of wearing it.  That phrase might work great for some but be terrible for others.




CalifChick -> RE: Ditto and other bad communication (5/15/2008 8:36:45 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
I realized this morning that I have a habit of bad communication of My own that is very similar.  I don't do it when things are going well.  I tend to do it when there is a bump in the road between My sub and Myself.  When things are good, I have no problem asking him if he is happy in his submission to Me.  When there is as problem, I change My wording.  Then it becomes, "How is the collar fitting on your neck?"


I found it interesting that I had a completely different take on what you're doing.  I don't see it as a bad habit at all.  To me, it appears that you are acknowledging to him that you know there is some bumpiness going on, without saying, "I know there's some bumpiness going on."  It immediately reminded me of something that a life coach that I know asks people a few weeks after they receive a collar.  She says, "Is that collar getting a bit tight yet?"  She doesn't mean the actual way the collar fits, she means how are you adjusting to being collared to someone.

Cali



missturbation -> RE: Ditto and other bad communication (5/15/2008 8:40:01 AM)

Not sure it's quite the same thing but when backed into a corner when im not sure i want to hear the truth or what im scared will be the truth and i just want the moment to go away ill say 'whatever'.



Elegant -> RE: Ditto and other bad communication (5/15/2008 8:52:48 AM)

When I am doing something or saying something that doesn't please Master Archer (but isn't a major fuck up) he often says 'now how would that be done/said in protocol?'



LadyPact -> RE: Ditto and other bad communication (5/15/2008 12:28:19 PM)

I'm glad to see I wasn't quite the only one out there. 

It really is My way of varifying that he is still happy to be collared to Me, without asking it directly.  It's My way of easing into the discussion, even though in most other instances, I'm a rather blunt, straight forward person. 



ProlificNeeds -> RE: Ditto and other bad communication (5/15/2008 1:25:31 PM)

I have a tendacy to 'expect failure' when I fear someone won't follow through with something important. It feeds from a big fear/flaw though of really requiring my partner to be reliable, and acurate. If they say they will do something, I expect them to do it.
If they fail to communicate accurately or to be reliable, from that point forward when they suggest things or say they'll do something I have a bad habit of saying things in a manner that might be considered a bit snide. "We'll see." or "That would be nice." but really I often make it clear I'm expecting things to fall through. It's my way of trying to say "Please don't disappointment again" but I can never actually put that to words when I really should.

LP - I don't see your particular example as a flaw, my own tendacy I do see as a flaw though, as it comes with a very negative context based in my own distrust.



kiwisub12 -> RE: Ditto and other bad communication (5/15/2008 4:08:20 PM)

I was clued in by one of Sirs pets that after he has hurt me maybe more than i want , i always tell him i love him in a certain tone. She said it sounded more as if i was swearing at him, without the attitude.  Now he laughs at me when i say it to him. grins.



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