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RE: How did you get here? - 5/17/2008 10:18:55 PM   
TNstepsout


Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline 		I started out as submissive for several reasons but as I grew and evolved I found that those reasons were not really who I was, but was more where I was at the time. I guess it was a combination of how I was raised, a desire to let go of responsibility (because I'd had so much of it in my marriage), the fantasy of being taken care of, an interest in bottoming (which I still have), misunderstanding what dominance was, and my complete ignorance of D/s that put me in a learning role.

As I began to study how power exchange and dominance/submission works, I realized that how I was raised had hindered me in many ways and I began to grow out of that mindset. It was a very passive/aggressive way of dealing with things-not healthy or productive. I realized that the idea of letting go of responsibility was just a fantasy so that went away too. Bottoming- still there- but identified as bottom. I understand better what dominance is and how I am dominant. I am not dominant in the way that other dominant women are, but in the way that works for me and in areas that are important to me. I'm still a noob but I have as much to teach as I do to learn so..... I realized that a dominant skin fit me much better and I've been much happier, confident and satisfied in myself than in my whole life.

I think many women may start as submissive because that is the accepted role for women in society and the opposite is true for men.

(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: How did you get here? - 5/18/2008 1:18:52 AM   
HardToTame


Posts: 205
Joined: 3/30/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I've always been a top.  I have bottomed very heavily, for a variety of reasons, but I have exactly zero wiring for submission. I look at ladies like BSB, and my head  EXPLODES, swear to god.  I have so much respect for that kind of versatility!  

My reasons for bottoming?  First, because I have to know what things feel like.  Second, for the physical challenge~~also I have this thing where I don't like to give an order that I couldn't take myself....  this is a bad reason for bottoming, believe me!  Excellent way to get hurt.  Third, I wanted to get one of those subspace experiences.  No luck.  I am not an endorphin producer. 

I am the only daughter in a ethnic household.  I was *raised* to serve.  I am very good at it, it was a good basis for life in general, and I am very very glad that I don't have to do that kind of thing anymore. 


I come from a ethnic house hold as well, middle child to, and so (I don't want to sound like typical middle child syndrome) but as a child whilst my brothers and sisters were either always being spoiled or allowed to get away with murder I was always taught to basically "take it like a man".  Basically it only taught me that if something needs to be done and no one else wants to do it, well, step the fuck in and get it done.  Because of that I'm very, I don't know the word.  Not organised, or formal, just, good at directing.  I'm good at giving orders but am very polite about it. (not formal though, just polite.)  But, I have huge problems with authority figures because of so many years taking orders, I just can't hack it.  

I have MASSIVE problems respecting people in power because I look at them and ask myself "why should I do what you say?  What have you done to make yourself worthy of me taking your order?"  That sounds VERY disrespectful, but unfortunately, when you spend your whole life taking orders from people whose directions end up leading you into a shit situation, you have to question whether your own directions would of been better. 

Thus, as a submissive, (I don't even know if thats the right term for me).  As a whining bitch/pervert, the whole concept of finding a dominate woman for me is to find someone who to me, is so perfect that she is WORTHY of that respect.  Someone who has achieved much in life who is an inspiration to me so I can say to myself "wow she's great, I'd gladly do anything she says... Especially if it involves sex"  No but, it's more the idea of finding someone so perfect that she is worth all that fulfillment, its a way of weeding out the trash bossy bitches from the true, wonder women.

Behind every great man is a great woman.  I'm not looking for a woman to make me great, but I'm looking for a great woman whome I can be great with.  Thats how I got here, in search of the perfect female. (For me)

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: How did you get here? - 5/18/2008 3:38:26 AM   
chezzy71


Posts: 412
Joined: 4/19/2008
Status: offline 		I took the bus on broadway and 57th street and never looked back!!Ok i am sorry..this is a serious topic.Well chezz has done it all but prefers to be submissive and the reason is i enjoy and derive more pleasure out of giving up instead of giving to.But i also collect pics of bound and gagged women.And my reason for this is i am trying to morph myself into their predictamnet.Hey i grew up in the original Superman era and a little later the Avengers.Hoolywood always had the ladies tied and gagged and if it was the guys..they were always restrained by other guys.Not very attractive or appealing..unless you are a woman thinking.."that don't look so bad".....oh i am drifting..but at any rate,i am more than happy to be who i am.

(in reply to HardToTame)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: How did you get here? - 5/18/2008 4:20:57 AM   
DominantJenny


Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Reigna
*snip for brevity*
Not sure how you're using the term "switch" here, but it sounds like you do NOT mean "switched roles depending on the mood and energy of the moment." It sounds like you mean "switched roles more or less permanently." Yes? If so, funny how the view changes from one person to the next--this really is not what I see. As I indicated in my initial post, I know lots of people who started in one role and ended up, more or less permanently, in the opposite role. Confirmation bias, maybe.

*snip for brevity*
I agree; old-schoolers won't agree. The topic of whether a person should start on the bottom probably is worth another couple of dozen threads, at least; but for myself, if I had it to do over, I wouldn't.


You understood me correctly. :) It is wild that you've had just the opposite experience.

*nod* I'm sure they've been started long ago here.

(in reply to Reigna)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: How did you get here? - 5/18/2008 7:24:21 AM   
hopelesslyInvo


Posts: 522
Joined: 2/10/2008
From: the future
Status: offline 		many dommes start as submissives, many submissives start as doms, i hear of it often and hear it being praised, but i'm unsure of the majority.

i think you have a viewpoint however you're not accurately expressing.  men are stronger, women are usually more emotional and less agressive, but one being inherently submissive and the other being dominant is a silly thing to assume even if the majority of men and women hold true.  the truth of it all though is that people expect men to lead and women to follow because we are taught as much, it's cultural conditioning.  it's been beaten in our brains over and over that this is "the way" of the sexes and part of our duty in relationships.  thank god for people such as me this is not the case in the world.

it doesn't matter if a male submissive could pummel a dominant female, capability doesn't make one less dominant and one more submissive, it might make one more suited for something as a means to a viewpoint, but who makes the better leader and who wants to follow is not an issue of gender, it's an issue of person.


_____________________________

great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.

(in reply to Reigna)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: How did you get here? - 5/18/2008 10:44:31 AM   
steffie


Posts: 95
Joined: 6/8/2005
Status: offline 		I started out dominant.  Or so i thought.  When you're young, i think most of us get conditioned into certain roles.  Males are supposed to behave as the head of household... and women like submissive housewives.  It takes time to realize your true nature.

After i got out of college i met an extremely Dominant woman that was twice my age.  She was into the "lifestyle" as she called it, while at that age, just 22, i was completely and utterly ignorant about D/s or BDSM. 

When i met her, she said, "You are so submissive.  Only you don't know it yet." 

Which was true.  I would get quite insulted.  Like it was a smear against my masculinity.  I continued to assert that i was a "normal" male, and would get quite riled whenever she tried to insinuate anything else.

Lucky for me, Marlena was quite patient with me.  We went on a couple of dates and didn't do anything sexual.  Just chatted.  I wasn't really sure i wanted to get involved with someone twice my age.  She was a school teacher, smart, funny, Jewish, and utterly captivating.  Particularly when she opened up and spoke about the "lifestyle," which i admit, scared me, and fascinated me at the same time.

Eventually one night when we were sitting in her living room chatting on her sofa, she brought the subject up again. "You are so submissive.  I could get you to do anything i wanted, like that," she said with a snap of her fingers.

My heart began to race.  An internal struggle began going on inside of myself.  I didn't want to be submissive.  And yet her words charmed me like she was a hypnotist.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I replied evasively.

"Let's try a little experiment," she said.  "I'm willing to bet that i can get you to do anything i want.  Anything.  And you'll do it."

Goosebumps rippled up my spine.  "All right.  B-But you're wrong."  I wasn't submissive.  Or was I?

She just grinned at me, and said, "Good.  Stand up - and take off all your clothes."

Her request stunned me.  Up to that point we hadn't been intimate beyond goodnight kisses.

"Go ahead.  Do it.  Stand up.  And take off everything.  I want to see what you look like naked.  Or go home."

I hesitated only for a few heart beats.  Shocked by my own actions, i found myself rising, and slowly beginning to unbutton my shirt.  She sat there lounging on the sofa imperiously, grinning up at me as i stripped off all my clothes...

So it began.  From that moment on, as much as i hated to admit it, i realized Marlena was right.  I did have a submissive streak a mile wide.  It still took me a few years to completely accept it.  I was young and rebelled on occasion.  Marlena met such rebellions with corporal punishment.  All of which left my head spinning.

_____________________________

There are no secrets to learning how to write. You must learn how to think. S. Leonard Rubenstein

(in reply to hopelesslyInvo)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: How did you get here? - 5/18/2008 11:50:56 AM   
submale4u2spank


Posts: 75
Joined: 11/24/2006
Status: offline 		I'd always been a submissive but would rather top or be vanilla than be alone so since it is so hard to get a domme I might just have to do just that.

(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: How did you get here? - 5/18/2008 12:03:32 PM   
calice


Posts: 9
Joined: 10/15/2007
Status: offline 		"when you spend your whole life taking orders from people whose directions end up leading you into a shit situation, you have to question whether your own directions would of been better." HardToTame


i had this issue for a long time. it took me quite a while to realize that it is okay and even imparitive as a slave to still have my own ideas of whom i will serve and whom is just another person to be respected but not necissarily followed.

(in reply to HardToTame)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: How did you get here? - 5/18/2008 12:06:55 PM   
ThundersCry


Posts: 892
Status: offline 		Black and Blue...
 
Bloody....
 
Sportin` a few....scars...

(in reply to Reigna)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: How did you get here? - 5/18/2008 2:39:03 PM   
homedespot


Posts: 79
Joined: 5/28/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: michaelOfGeorgia

i took a wrong turn at Albuquerque.


There aren't a lot of ways to go into and out of ABQ how could you possibly have gotten lost?!!! I'm there anyway so if you are super lost just call.

To the OP. I was a Domme from My first fantasy that I remember at about 7ish. My slave was submissive male from about the same time. I don't think your premise that people find themselves and then rearrange is a good one. I think some do, and others find they don't and others go back and forth their whole lives. I think you will find that while most of us fit into to one or another story archetype that the stories themselves are as varied as the people are.

Take Care,

J.

(in reply to michaelOfGeorgia)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: How did you get here? - 5/18/2008 3:39:32 PM   
alphaleague


Posts: 16
Joined: 8/4/2004
Status: offline 		Society seems to force those roles upon all of us as children.  Women as the submissive and men as the dominant.  I think this is why you say everyone "starts out" so to speak and then finally figures out their own way.  Personally, being a very petite effeminante male my whole life, I started out submissive and on the occasions where I have explored being dominant found that it goes against my very nature.  This of course caused a lot of stress when I was young and it was only in the last 10 years that I came to grips with my nature and learned to celebrate it.  So I would say that I am blessed to always have known what I am and what I want to be.  "To serve is divine".

(in reply to Reigna)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: How did you get here? - 5/20/2008 1:38:22 AM   
HardToTame


Posts: 205
Joined: 3/30/2008
Status: offline 		Sometimes it feels so wrong to be right.

Now days, I'm just a disrespectful little slave with no one to paddle him  though I dare call myself a slave because I bow to no one.
Which is why deep down I yearn to.   It's like, a fighter.  Imagine a combatant who, slays every dragon in the land, every oponent, and is just desperate for someone good enough to give him a challenge.  Thats what I'm after.  I just want someone who can make me believe that as a PERSON (not a domme) she is SO unbelievably worth it, that I could bow down to her and serve her as a slave.  It has to come from greatness though.  I just want someone perfect for me.  Thats all.  A queen to rule by myside.  ... (and I don't mean a Drag queen)

(in reply to calice)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: How did you get here? - 5/20/2008 5:26:54 AM   
APoinephilicLife


Posts: 28
Joined: 5/11/2008
Status: offline 		i've always been and known i was a submissive.  =)

(in reply to Reigna)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: How did you get here? - 5/20/2008 6:48:15 AM   
Mustardseed


Posts: 291
Joined: 5/27/2006
From: Seattle, WA
Status: offline 		I started out as what's known to the local kink community here as "a switch with bottom rising." I learned a few very important things: it takes forever for my endorphins to meander in to help me out, if they ever do; and I don't seem to have a submissive bone in my body.

I get far more of a physical charge out of inflicting pain than I do in receiving it. Similarly, after years of having steered my relationships from the shadows I feel more than justified in doing so in plain view and getting acknowledged for my efforts. I recently mentioned this to someone at a dance.


Him: So, what's new with you?

Me: Well, I recently figured out that I'm a dominant.

Him, jaw dropping: Wait, you didn't know?!?

Me: What? No, I just figured it out towards the beginning of the year.

Him: Jesus, the rest of us had that pegged nearly a decade ago!


Yeah, well, a decade ago I wasn't getting anyone who seemed particularly interested in obviously taking my orders, at least not without undermining me. As a noob, dominance feels like a cardigan I got from the men's section of a thrift store: snuggly and comfy, though I keep having the roll up the sleeves a lot.

_____________________________

Carve your name into my arm / Instead of stressed I lie here charmed - Placebo

(in reply to APoinephilicLife)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: How did you get here? - 5/20/2008 7:19:24 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Ok Im an endorphrin producer and my compass works. I don't top or bottom. I do it sideways. I got here from reading these post. As you can see from these post change is constant.

(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: How did you get here? - 5/20/2008 8:02:41 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

Ok Im an endorphrin producer . I don't top or bottom. I do it sideways.


Oh, Ray, tease me some more!

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: How did you get here? - 5/20/2008 9:26:16 AM   
MissEnchanted


Posts: 510
Status: offline 		I had dominant tendancies from childhood and attracted boys, then men who seemed to thrive on being submissive to me. This was confusing in my vanilla world. I always knew I was kinky and 'different' than my girlfriends.

I knew I was bi from an early age although I didn't know anything about D/S. However when I played as a girl with a chick who wanted to domme me I knew I liked being a 'top'. I never liked taking orders and loved giving them out.

When I enterered the scene years ago I Knew I was a D and thought I might be able to switch. Pain does nothing for me when I am on the receiving end. I don't like anyone trying to dominate me. No endorphin rush for me when pain is coming my way, just a desire to return the pain in spades and technicolor.

The second a Dom gave me a love pat on my ass in public I knew I could never be a sub or switch. We had previously talked about being a Dom/Domme couple with slaves in our house to share, but I stopped seeing him pronto because I knew he had secret desires to top me.

I so love being in charge and was always very independent and thought for myself, no matter what society said. Since I came to cm (I had a different name and changed it for a very important reason) I have been having the time of my life.

I enjoy 10 minutes of flogging on my back to ease my tension and pain. And of course I am careful about whom I allow to do this. *It is whom instead of who, isn't it?

Otherwise I am Domme all the way. I worked very hard to get where I am in life and deserve all the pampering and wonderful attention, respect, etc.

The people I pick to have around me now are all sure in their submissiveness and live to serve me, not just anyone.  My Dom/Domme friends are 24/7 types and some have successful poly families. This way my energies are not wasted, just enjoyed.

I understand other people switching, or being sub, then being a Domme for years. People evolve and change so I have respect for growth and paths that change. I like the idea of being able to experience the same things I meet out and am not wired to do this at all.

The endorphin rush comes from being a domme...lifestyle 24/7. It would be fun to be able to switch and experience pain/submission as exciting however it isn't in my make-up. I have listened to my inner voice. It continues to work for me and make me happy. People might say: you should do this or that, on the forums or in life. I watch out for the 'shoulds' and only do what feels right.

Just ME

< Message edited by MissEnchanted -- 5/20/2008 9:36:03 AM >

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: How did you get here? - 5/20/2008 10:47:35 AM   
Boondoggle


Posts: 123
Joined: 5/16/2005
Status: offline 		I am one of those whom you describe, Regina. I wouldn't say 'we' are the majority, but there are certainly plenty of others I've met who have come this way.

When I was a child, I definitely had kinky (innocent and not sexual at all) fantasies when I played with a decidedly submissive bent. When I started exploring my sexuality and kink (thanks to the early days of the internet), somewhere along the line I 'decided' I was dominant by the time I actually started attempting to meet others who shared my kinks (also via the internet). It was after having been in a relationship as a dominant and played with a couple other submissives that, one day, while reading online kinky personals no less, I read one from a dominant woman and something in my mind sort of 'clicked,' and I though I might like to try what she was describing in her blurb. It's something that has taken me years to fully accept (largely because of societal influences, I strongly believe), but now I'm pretty secure in my submission. It was actually one of the first dominant women I played with that introduced me to the community, something like 5 years ago, and that has helped me learn tons about my sexuality. And now the community is most of my social life.

I still occasionally switch as I don't really enjoy submitting (or bottoming, really) casually, but topping can be fun, and every now and again a woman comes along who triggers my dominant side, though it is rare.

_____________________________

You see I'm not the kind of fella'
who can get off on vanilla.
No I need a little color in my sex.
--The Wet Spots

(in reply to Reigna)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: How did you get here? - 5/21/2008 5:01:49 AM   
MissLily


Posts: 146
Joined: 8/19/2007
Status: offline 		Well, I never thought to be submissive. My fist sexual experiences were vanilla, and I didn't like it, because it was too submissive for Me to My taste.

I then knew something was up with Me, and when I started to know about BDSM, submission never entered My mind. Now that I think on it, I went strait to the Dominant side.

I'm just not interested in switching. I honnestly think it would not work.

Miss Lily

(in reply to Reigna)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: How did you get here? - 5/21/2008 5:14:52 AM   
michaelOfGeorgia


Posts: 4253
Status: offline
quote:

There aren't a lot of ways to go into and out of ABQ how could you possibly have gotten lost?!!! I'm there anyway so if you are super lost just call.


i think i've watched Bugs Bunny one too many times when growing up


_____________________________

Are we having fun, yet?

(in reply to homedespot)
Profile   Post #: 40
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