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RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 4:56:43 PM   
chickpea


Posts: 446
Joined: 8/3/2005
From: Los Angeles Area
Status: offline 		That wasn't me I was describing and that wasn't what I meant.  Not sure what the point is in telling people what type of person you'd hang out here?  I guess it's supposed to be meant as some sort of personal attack?  I dunno  oh well  lol

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Ewwwwww... I don't know who you hang out with, but I sure don't want to hear any discussions about my neighbors, friends, family, random person I talk to occasionally, sex life.
YUCK.
How tacky.

However, someone who would, does seem to have a huge ego.
And are judgemental beyond belief.  I wouldn't want to hang out with that kind of person.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: chickpea

But if you're just like completely honest with everything, even vanilla sex, versus someone who's a kinkster and has non-kinky friends and family who can lose respect for him/her if they knew about their lifestyle.  I like to be completely honest and like being with someone completely honest.  But just seems strange at how someone can be closet-kinky and a completely honest person in general.  They must be really good liars. 


(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 5:08:02 PM   
chickpea


Posts: 446
Joined: 8/3/2005
From: Los Angeles Area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

my parents have never shared with me what they do behind closed doors.
I don't know what position my co-workers like
The waitress at the restaurant Sir and i frequent doesn't feel that she needs to share her sexuality with us before taking our orders.
The bank teller has never divulged wheither or not she has pierced labia.

Does this make them two-faced?  No, it makes them sensible.    and so am i. 


okay, i was thinking of kinkiness like being gay.  Living a kinky lifestyle taking too much joy in sex and pain pleasure etc etc  is supposed to be a sin (as said by church goers).  Pierced labia is not a sin.  Just like something that's fashionable and not accepted by all.   I'm just using the gay thing as something that needs to be hidden in some circles where people are really religious.  I'm not saying anything about gays being two-faced ... don't want to and am not interested in opening that can of worms.  I think gays are born gay, whether kinksters are born kinksters... well there's just less evidence for that.

But like i'm saying that pierced labia is something that you don't care to hide, and who cares if someone sees it.  But being kinky carries a host of other bad things that can result if people find out like loss of respect, loss of job.  And I'm not talking about going up to someone and saying  hi i'm kinky, how are you?  as being the other alternative to having to put effort into hiding your kinkiness.  Not from random people, but like people you know from family members to friends from high school or whatever.

(in reply to kiwisub12)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 5:09:24 PM   
MontrealPhoenix


Posts: 1526
Joined: 2/27/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: chickpea

quote:

ORIGINAL: MontrealPhoenix

So, let me get this straight: just because i don't go around telling everyone i know and meet that i'm a slave i'm two-faced?
 
Well i don't have this deep need for that information to be out there. I could lose my job if my bosses knew i'm kinky and my family could not deal with that. So i keep it on a need to know basis.
 
Truly i'm puzzled as to how you came to that conclusion. I don't understand your view that people keeping their kinky side a secret from everyone means they are liars. Please explain.
 
phoenix


Like if you spent 4 hours at a BDSM club last nite, and your mom or whoever asks you where you've been with your girlfriend, and you say that you were at a bar,  that makes it like you are pretending to be vanilla when you're not.

You may find this shocking but i don't feel the need to explain everything to my parents, nor do they tell me everything they do and i have no interest in telling them.

_____________________________

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(in reply to chickpea)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 5:10:47 PM   
christine1


Posts: 6155
Joined: 12/15/2007
From: i'm headed to HIM...
Status: offline 		lol, chickpea, everytime i see your name, (i think it's very cute),  i think to myself that if i ever change my cm name, it will need to be garbonzogirl.  sorry OP, hijack over.

< Message edited by christine1 -- 5/17/2008 5:34:47 PM >

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(in reply to chickpea)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 5:12:26 PM   
chickpea


Posts: 446
Joined: 8/3/2005
From: Los Angeles Area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MontrealPhoenix

quote:

ORIGINAL: chickpea

quote:

ORIGINAL: MontrealPhoenix

So, let me get this straight: just because i don't go around telling everyone i know and meet that i'm a slave i'm two-faced?
 
Well i don't have this deep need for that information to be out there. I could lose my job if my bosses knew i'm kinky and my family could not deal with that. So i keep it on a need to know basis.
 
Truly i'm puzzled as to how you came to that conclusion. I don't understand your view that people keeping their kinky side a secret from everyone means they are liars. Please explain.
 
phoenix


Like if you spent 4 hours at a BDSM club last nite, and your mom or whoever asks you where you've been with your girlfriend, and you say that you were at a bar,  that makes it like you are pretending to be vanilla when you're not.

You may find this shocking but i don't feel the need to explain everything to my parents, nor do they tell me everything they do and i have no interest in telling them.


I don't.  Just using that as an example.

(in reply to MontrealPhoenix)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 5:12:56 PM   
MontrealPhoenix


Posts: 1526
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline 		Damn, wish i'd seen your post before i answered her, camille. You said it so much better.
 
phoenix

_____________________________

"Only in a collar can a woman be truly free"
~Tribesmen of Gor ..pg 75

"He who ties a woman owns her"
~Guardsman Of Gor pg 267



(in reply to camille65)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 5:13:17 PM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline 		Boundaries are healthy things to cultivate within oneself. I see people that know how to set their boundaries with others as people that are typically mature and able to deal well with others.
[/quote] You may find this shocking but i don't feel the need to explain everything to my parents, nor do they tell me everything they do and i have no interest in telling them.
[/quote]

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(in reply to MontrealPhoenix)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 5:15:09 PM   
chickpea


Posts: 446
Joined: 8/3/2005
From: Los Angeles Area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

quote:

ORIGINAL: chickpea

Like if you spent 4 hours at a BDSM club last nite, and your mom or whoever asks you where you've been with your girlfriend, and you say that you were at a bar,  that makes it like you are pretending to be vanilla when you're not.


According to your logic (if I understand) being honest if one was vanilla, means telling your mom that you spent the evening making love/screwing/fucking...what have you ...if you had sex with your "guy" and she asked what you did last night because any other answer would not be 100% truthful???

Here is another aspect to consider...if you choose to tell your mom what YOU do...in doing so you are violating the other person you are involved with's privacy...and you may be crossing a boundary of the person you are telling...in this case Mom.

There are many ways of answering that question without getting into specific details.
"We  went to a club and saw some friends."
"We met up with some friends at a social gathering.."



Really good points.  I guess discretion is the way. 

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 5:15:59 PM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline 		Actually I don't think so. When I was in a vanilla relationship, I did not advertise my sexual preferences or activities anymore than I do now. A few select friends know and that's it.
It is less about lying than about just not sharing that part of my life with most people. I also play D&D, but do not tell everybody I know/meet about it, again no lying, just selective sharing.

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(in reply to chickpea)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 5:26:58 PM   
chickpea


Posts: 446
Joined: 8/3/2005
From: Los Angeles Area
Status: offline 		Ya, excellent point.  I suppose the art of discretion is kind of the norm for the closet kinksters in a vanilla world.  You know, like for example if your Master gives you a chastity belt or giant electric dildo for your birthday or anniversary or whatever.  I suppose you needn't mention that gift or how shocked you were to receive it to your vanilla friends or family.  Maybe like talking about the cool new hip restaurant he took you to for your birthday (omitting the giant electric dildo that was waiting on top of the bed when you came home), would be the preferred topic of choice. 

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissMorrigan

I don't agree with you insofar as a person having to lie to keep their personal business from the outside world. My boy never lies and it's a trait I admire in him. His friends and family know I am a very dominant personality, which they accept, I don't have to label myself to them by stating, "I'm a dominant in BDSM terms." What I find interesting is why a person feels the need to tell others exactly what they get up to... "I had a lovely evening, went to a club with friends" doesn't have to translate as, "We went to a fetish club, I was stripped and whipped and afterwards had my labia sutured together".
quote:

ORIGINAL: chickpea
That's true, everyone has secrets, some are more justified to keep a secret and some are just harder to keep in general.

But if you're just like completely honest with everything, even vanilla sex, versus someone who's a kinkster and has non-kinky friends and family who can lose respect for him/her if they knew about their lifestyle.  I like to be completely honest and like being with someone completely honest.  But just seems strange at how someone can be closet-kinky and a completely honest person in general.  They must be really good liars. 


(in reply to MissMorrigan)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 5:33:49 PM   
chickpea


Posts: 446
Joined: 8/3/2005
From: Los Angeles Area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

Actually I don't think so. When I was in a vanilla relationship, I did not advertise my sexual preferences or activities anymore than I do now. A few select friends know and that's it.
It is less about lying than about just not sharing that part of my life with most people. I also play D&D, but do not tell everybody I know/meet about it, again no lying, just selective sharing.


I wonder about dating.  Like if you date vanilla, and wait a while before telling someone about your kinkiness, is that hiding who you are?  Or is that a whole other can of worms?  Then that vanilla date really starts to love you etc and click with you on all these other levels, and then you haven't told him/her you were kinky yet.  So when the bomb finally drops, will he/she get so damned pissed and resent you?  Is that being two-faced when you don't tell them early enough?





(in reply to Arpig)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 5:52:12 PM   
chickpea


Posts: 446
Joined: 8/3/2005
From: Los Angeles Area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: christine1

lol, chickpea, everytime i see your name, (i think it's very cute),  i think to myself that if i ever change my cm name, it will need to be garbonzogirl.  sorry OP, hijack over.


lol, never thought of that!  i was going to name myself "pea in a pod" or something like that, cuz at the time i thought being totally bounded and immobile in one of those zip-up latex bags was hot.  making me feel like a little pea in a pod.  another visual for you when you see my name.. lol

plus, i'm a chick as well..  and those chickpeas on the salads I eat all the time, had a nice ring to the name.  plus, they can be eaten up in one bite.  like what i wanted my dom to do to me. 

(in reply to christine1)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 6:11:56 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Heh.. take it as you see it.  You are the one implying people who are not open about being into bdsm are probably better at lying and deception.
I sure wouldn't be hanging out with someone who rushed into that sort of judgement.
Kyst
quote:

ORIGINAL: chickpea

That wasn't me I was describing and that wasn't what I meant.  Not sure what the point is in telling people what type of person you'd hang out here?  I guess it's supposed to be meant as some sort of personal attack?  I dunno  oh well  lol

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Ewwwwww... I don't know who you hang out with, but I sure don't want to hear any discussions about my neighbors, friends, family, random person I talk to occasionally, sex life.
YUCK.
How tacky.

However, someone who would, does seem to have a huge ego.
And are judgemental beyond belief.  I wouldn't want to hang out with that kind of person.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: chickpea

But if you're just like completely honest with everything, even vanilla sex, versus someone who's a kinkster and has non-kinky friends and family who can lose respect for him/her if they knew about their lifestyle.  I like to be completely honest and like being with someone completely honest.  But just seems strange at how someone can be closet-kinky and a completely honest person in general.  They must be really good liars. 




_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to chickpea)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 6:25:03 PM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chickpea

Just wondering if the people that feel like because BDSM has to be hidden from the public, feel that closet BDSMers tend to be more skilled at being two-faced in general and are not a good group to date from? 

No... I find the notion naive and would imagine someone so labelled would be justifiably offended.  Its tantamount to saying that just because you are kinky you must also be a sex maniac unable to have a healthy relationship.

Every successful actor in the world is an excellent liar... after all they pretend to be something they are not for a living... but that does not mean they are dishonest.  The differnce is intent.

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A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to chickpea)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 6:28:51 PM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline 		Its a valid quastion, however, it is like every other aspect of oneself. One reveals it a bit at a time as one gets more and more comfortable with the other person. As to when is to early or to late to reveal one's kinkiness, it is the same as with any other aspect, it is a judgement call and isn't deceptive, or at least it isn't to my way of seeing it


_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran


(in reply to chickpea)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 7:16:37 PM   
TheLovedOne


Posts: 17
Joined: 1/25/2008
Status: offline 		Personally, I think my desire to hang from the chandeliers naked and blind folded no one elses buisness but mine.
Whoops did I say that outloud?.


(in reply to Arpig)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 7:17:38 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Can't edit but I will correct my post.  I see a lot of people weekly explaining why they choose to remain private and discrete.  I found it insulting that anyone would assume that makes them better at lying.  I have met plenty of people who are not into bdsm who do a fine job of walking the edge of truth.  I was married to a salesman.  I worked in retail.  I was in customer service.  Trust me when I say no one catagory of people is any better at lying than the next.  To imply that because we are into bdsm and choose not to disclose all, is a disservice to a lot of people.
If that was not your intent, I apologise, but that is how I read it.
Kyst

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 7:43:51 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		Of course.
 
My not telling every 80 year old granny who comes into the store I work at, that I like to tie women up and ass fuck them after a beating them makes me a TOTAL liar.

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Profile   Post #: 58
RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 8:11:07 PM   
HornyToadsMI


Posts: 287
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		Frankly, I think it makes us healthier.  We are able to express some part of ourself that has to be hidden in mainstream life. 

The 2 faced ones are the ones who dont address their wants and needs........keep them hidden from themselves......

Confused with my psycho babble yet?  LOL

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(in reply to MissMorrigan)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 8:12:13 PM   
HornyToadsMI


Posts: 287
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Of course.
 
My not telling every 80 year old granny who comes into the store I work at, that I like to tie women up and ass fuck them after a beating them makes me a TOTAL liar.


Damn......I love that in a vendor!!!  Wish my vendors were as fun as you!

_____________________________

i have the best job in the world - my Boss whips me!!!

Go with your gut - yes, I am being a Smart Ass!

(in reply to Leatherist)
Profile   Post #: 60
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