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how many of you have lost.....??... - 5/18/2008 5:25:10 AM

willing2Dom

Posts: 1
Joined: 5/18/2008
Status: offline

im here for the first time....i dont know what to do anymore...my ex wife always told me to come to the boards and well i need some insight and advice...well this all started earlier this year...Me and my sub(my ex wife) were a part of the BDSM scene...well we didnt start earlier this year but thats beside the point...well at the start of the year my wife had an affair of types with another person we had tried to get past that but at the time she "felt" that she needed to leave which i respect that and i thought that she would just need time to cool off which i was trying to give her but a few minutes she came back and took some of her clothes and left well a day went by and i was feeling shitty...i didnt want to eat i didnt want to sleep...i thought that i craved her....she was my first sub my first wife and in general was my first...well one night she was staying i overheard her saying while i was feeding my dog..."you better not start anything you cant stop baby" well i was more then angry and ofcourse i gave my "friend" the benfit of doubt that he was just "tickling" her well a day or two later it all came out in the open that she had been involvled with him all this time that she been staying at...well 2 weeks afterwards she and i had worked things out well everything was fine and going good....we made some deals before we even talked about getting back together one was that i get onto my meds...see we are both bi-polar...but i did as she said...she never did check into getting herself on her meds or help out around the house i didnt rasie a fuss...i didnt want to drive her away...i love and will always love her i just may be stupid but not to get side-tracked....well on the 22nd i went to my doctors and they had put me on welbutrin(i dont know if i spelled that right) well that med is known to cause worse mental heath problems i.e mental/mood changes (e.g., agitation, anxiety, confusion, hallucinations),....so onto my question if your still awake.. i was being effected by the agitation and anxiety well me and my wife was arguing and well i had some law problems which is a different can of worms but would you all consider that it was right that my wife lefted me then and went to where she was before and say that i couldnt have them side-effects with just one dose.....as you type shes over there doing god knows what and its killing me

Post #: 1

RE: how many of you have lost.....??... - 5/18/2008 5:38:57 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

I believe my grandmother had a phrase that fits perfectly.

"good riddance to bad rubbish"

Change the locks and get ahold of yourself man!

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to willing2Dom)

Post #: 2

RE: how many of you have lost.....??... - 5/18/2008 5:40:06 AM

MamaDomme1

Posts: 377
Joined: 1/12/2008
Status: offline

Sounds like a very rough and rocky relationship-- one with both partners having mental illnesses that aren't being controlled with meds is going to have far more issues than a message board can help with.

I urge you to get into some serious counseling and meds adjustments until you get yourself fixed......... then you can work on other projects. Nothing you can do for your ex-wife to force her into treatment.

And clean up your legal probs.......... no need having that kind of baggage ruining your life.

(in reply to willing2Dom)

Post #: 3

RE: how many of you have lost.....??... - 5/18/2008 5:45:46 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

OP, you may want to read up on your disorder, there is such a thing as bi-polar psychosis. You should discuss your symptoms with a psychiatrist and not assume that it is a result of one day of Wellbutrin.

As for all of the other stuff, try to fix your own life before worrying about a relationship with an erratic woman, or any other woman.

< Message edited by KatyLied -- 5/18/2008 5:46:04 AM >

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to MamaDomme1)

Post #: 4

RE: how many of you have lost.....??... - 5/18/2008 5:52:39 AM

MladyHathor

Posts: 510
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline

Well anyone who sends you " to the boards" to get advice---IMHO is looking for vindication for THEIR actions--and though you nay get some good ideas here, to make life changing decisions based on what is written here---dude--wake up.

IMHO and its pretty skimpy because there are things eluded to here that can darken the color of some of this scenario---you have three options:

1. Get marriage counselling

2. Dump the babe and heal.

3. Take her back

I am convinced though from your writing, that you are in a fog of some kind---drug, emotional, something and your thoughts are scattered---I'd get your bi polar diagnosis straight first---even if it takes a few months because it takes time for meds like that to settle and balance---the first few weeks are a roller coaster ride--get to a point you feel you are balanced, then think through your scenario---sometimes what we want does not come about as we designed--and we have to let go--if that's the case---there is a reason.

_____________________________

The Mistress Hathor, always and forever, much to the disdain and discomfort of others.

(in reply to willing2Dom)

Post #: 5

RE: how many of you have lost.....??... - 5/18/2008 5:57:50 AM

Owner4SexSlave

Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

willing2Dom,
You need to honestly think about what is Best for you. You honestly have no control over what the fuck she is doing. She has made her own choices, including not dealing with her own Bi-Polar medical condition. She is with somebody else, and not you. These are all her own choices. Again, you have no control over this.
I know this is not the way you desire for things to be. However, there's a limit to what you can or can not do about all this.

This most certainly is not good for your state of mind, nor is it good for your condition (being Bi-Polar).   Ok, she was your first submissive, and she is your first wife. Everybody has a first for everything.

You yourself can do everything in your power to make yourself a better person, but this changes nothing about her, nor her choices. OK, I understand you guys have got into fights. Ok, that's understandable. Also, that you got back together and had made an agreement to the terms of getting back together.   She did not honor her end of the agreement made.

If somebody does not live up to an agreement, there's nothing much you can do about it. Actually it breaks trust.

My question is this? Why would you want to be with somebody who treats you like this? Why would you want to be with somebody who's over at somebody else's place doing lord know what? Why would you want to be with somebody who's Bi-Polar and refuses to take any medication or medical treatment for it?

You need to ask yourself some serious questions here.   It's obvious, you don't get to make a decision on you and her being together. She's more less made that decision herself.

Personally, I wish you the best of luck in everything. Have you considered giving yourself space and time to think and pull yourself together. Then perhaps exploring finding your second?

(in reply to willing2Dom)

Post #: 6

RE: how many of you have lost.....??... - 5/18/2008 6:06:27 AM

daddysliloneds

Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline

there is never a good time to leave someone, and some people will always have a story for why 'right now' isn't a good time to be left either, so i'll be damned if i know whether this time should be a good, better, worse or indifferent time to leave as opposed to any other time...

the one thing i do know for sure is, it doesn't matter who left who in this situation; what matters is that you know you need help, and instead of kicking around a can all day and trying to figure out which one of you is wrong, you should be seeking that help.

(in reply to willing2Dom)

Post #: 7

RE: how many of you have lost.....??... - 5/18/2008 6:22:33 AM

LatexHer

Posts: 56
Joined: 11/16/2006
Status: offline

Over the last 30 years, I have enjoyed the pleasure of teaching submission to many women of all ages. Just about a year ago I released a wonderful slave girl from her obligations. We parted on wonderful terms and still see each other at times for dungeon fun. I do not consider the parting of ones ways as a loss, but more of advancement to a higher degree. Most subbies and slaves left to pursue interests in their personal lifestyles, which interfered with ours.

When a slave or subbie seeks to endure punishments or other interests who do not align with the pleasures of her owners, they become birds who if not released will fly off in time most assuringly. Some of my personal limits are cuttings, scat, children, animals, and severe breath play, so if a slave possessed these fantasies to endure these - we mutually agree to part our directions.

(in reply to daddysliloneds)

Post #: 8

RE: how many of you have lost.....??... - 5/18/2008 6:23:28 AM

TysGalilah

Posts: 589
Joined: 11/21/2007
Status: offline

...time to focus on yourself and your health ( mental and physical ).

...time to find a trusted mental health professional that will not just regulate and prescribe meds but will also listen and counsel ( might take more than 1 doc.. psychiatrists do the meds and psycologists help you with the emotions and mental health).

...step away from other relationships and commit to a year of working on your personal balance before you think about one again.

....find your local co-dependency annonymous group and join in their weekly meetings. ( to help you with the struggle you talk about having with a relationship that you feel you cannot live without but certainly was doing harm to you )

bipolar meds take a while to find the right balance and might have to be adjusted several times to feel the correct balance, so for a time you might not feel all the relief you are hoping for. Stick with it and talk to dr about everything you are experiencing ( side effects..no effects..).

I hope you find happiness from within
smiles
Cyndi

_____________________________

galilah

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to willing2Dom)

Post #: 9

RE: how many of you have lost.....??... - 5/18/2008 6:39:39 AM

Maya2001

Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline

The lifestyle is based on consent, so you can not force her to stay with you if she does not want to be with you, being bi-polar is not going to affect her desire or not to be with you.... you may as well accept she became an ex wife for a reason , she may also not be into monogamous relationships... if she is not ... she likely is not going to be the best person for you anyway... the one factor in all this that you can work on controlling is dealing with you health... so take the time to do that .. sometimes certain medications can cause odd reactions it is important to keep in touch with your doctor ...sometimes meds need to be changed or mood stabilisers have to be added... it is a bit of a trial and error process to get the right meds and dosage levels so can take a while and your main focus needs to be on getting yourself better and since she is not following through with the agreements made ... is she really worth worrying over and distracting you from taking control of your own life? Set your priorities ---which should be first and foremost .. getting back in control of yourself .. once you have then you will be in a better position to re assess your relationship with her and being able to determine if you truly want or need to have her being a part of your life or whether she is compatible with you, she may identify as a sub and you a Dom but that does not necessarily mean the 2 of you are good matches for each other

_____________________________

Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself

(in reply to daddysliloneds)

Post #: 10

RE: how many of you have lost.....??... - 5/18/2008 6:44:46 AM

Justme696

Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline

people gave you good advise to seek help....with out that..you won't find rest. Rest is needed to deal with the loss anbd pain they caused you.
It will not go away over night, because it is hard to understand that some one who loves you..hurt you like this.

_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to Maya2001)

Post #: 11

RE: how many of you have lost.....??... - 5/18/2008 6:53:00 AM

katGS

Posts: 8
Joined: 5/16/2008
Status: offline

Contact your local mental health agency and they will help you get into contact with the correct professionals.

Btw.. Wellbutrin is about the mildest form of psychotropic drug out there, its used for the treatment of depression. I have not heard of it being used for bi-polar per se. All drugs have side affects, however, I have used Wellbutrin for the last 7 years for clinical depression and have never had any negative side affects.

(in reply to willing2Dom)

Post #: 12

RE: how many of you have lost.....??... - 5/18/2008 6:57:09 AM

Justme696

Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline

Not to make it sound easy...but you (the OP) should also try to solve the cause..and not suppress the results with drugs/medicine.

_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to katGS)

Post #: 13

RE: how many of you have lost.....??... - 5/18/2008 6:57:16 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

my ex wife always told me to come to the boards and well i need some insight and advice

willing,
"Insight and advice" perhaps; but you're talking about your life. A life that includes "some law problems", a diagnosis of "bi-polar", and a spouse who has sought greener pastures. I agree with you, the "BDSM scene" you've been involved with "is beside the point"; under any definition you have for it. CM isn't a source of life or relationship counseling.

Look, under yours, mine or anyone else's definition, the "BDSM scene" can be fantastic, wonderful, exciting, and fulfilling. What it isn't is a cure, or a method to use to get your life together. It's also not a way to solve your relationship issues.

So, after saying this isn't a good source of advice, I'll give you some - just keep the disclaimer in mind.

Take a step back. Regardless of which side of the flogger you like; you have to be strong. Get yourself on the proper meds, maybe get another diagnosis and make sure you need meds at all. Make sure you're tested and the levels are monitored.

Relationships can't be forced. You can't make someone love, or even like you. I've always believed you can't dominate from weakness. As long as you feel weak, you'll feel, and be, insecure. Your ex-wife/sub observes that. We don't hear all, or any, of her side; but what value and/or confidence can she see in you based on the representation of yourself you provided here?

You've added another facet that has an impact - she's your "first". That brings another laundry list of emotions and mental factors into play. It would be interesting, and important, to know if you were her first - anything. Your time-line for BDSM participation is "earlier this year"; you say your wife had an "affair of types" "at the start of the year"; coincidence? Is BDSM the cause or effect?

You have a lot of issues here. BDSM would not seem to be at or near the most important.

Hope you have access to people and/or services that can get you over this difficult time. Whether you do or don't; start the process with yourself. Simply put - get your act together. Sometimes that process and coming out the other end goes a long way to solve everything else, or at minimum give you clearer insight.

Good luck!

< Message edited by Mercnbeth -- 5/18/2008 7:11:44 AM >

(in reply to willing2Dom)

Post #: 14

RE: how many of you have lost.....??... - 5/18/2008 7:00:15 AM

wandersalone

Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: willing2Dom

im here for the first time....i dont know what to do anymore...

First step...remove this from your profile (written on the same day as this post).... "Hello Sluts, Im looking for new play toys to add to my collection of my other toys as i have grown tired of them already.....So fast but Sluts im looking for someone that would like to talk to me...Im looking for a full time sub..I want to use her to all of her all then take her over..I love to use silk ropes....Just thinking of tying my new Play thing down then taking advantage of and maybe let my friends take turns"

For now focus on stabilising your medication and your moods.

_____________________________

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. Martin Luther King
Godmother of the subbie mafia
My all time favourite threads
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(in reply to willing2Dom)

Post #: 15

RE: how many of you have lost.....??... - 5/18/2008 7:02:43 AM

hopelesslyInvo

Posts: 522
Joined: 2/10/2008
From: the future
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: wandersalone

quote:

ORIGINAL: willing2Dom

im here for the first time....i dont know what to do anymore...

First step...remove this from your profile (written on the same day as this post).... "Hello Sluts, Im looking for new play toys to add to my collection of my other toys as i have grown tired of them already.....So fast but Sluts im looking for someone that would like to talk to me...Im looking for a full time sub..I want to use her to all of her all then take her over..I love to use silk ropes....Just thinking of tying my new Play thing down then taking advantage of and maybe let my friends take turns"

For now focus on stabilising your medication and your moods.

good call.

_____________________________

great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.

(in reply to wandersalone)

Post #: 16

RE: how many of you have lost.....??... - 5/18/2008 7:05:10 AM

CruelDesires

Posts: 824
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline

WIITWD is no substitute for psychotherapy.

CD

_____________________________

Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself.
Lois McMaster Bujold, "A Civil Campaign", 1999

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 17

RE: how many of you have lost.....??... - 5/18/2008 3:37:26 PM

Huntertn

Posts: 715
Joined: 10/7/2006
Status: offline

move her out, work with your doctor about your meds, and give yourself time to recover..

(in reply to CruelDesires)

Post #: 18

RE: how many of you have lost.....??... - 5/18/2008 6:16:52 PM

SmokingGun82

Posts: 575
Joined: 6/19/2004
Status: offline

The best advice I ever received came from an airline...

Secure your own mask before assisting others.

Maybe the relationship with your ex-wife can be fixed. Maybe it can't. Either way, it needs to be back-burnered until you deal with your own issues, and get your own head in a better place.

Of course, that's just my two cents, and I'm patently incapable of following my own advice, so...

_____________________________

It frightens me, the awful truth of how sweet life can be.
- Bob Dylan

Proper capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my Uncle Jack off a horse" and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse."

(in reply to willing2Dom)

Post #: 19

RE: how many of you have lost.....??... - 5/18/2008 6:44:24 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

My mother's advice:

Ask yourself two questions. 1) Is being in the relationship healthy for you? 2) Would you miss her if she were gone? If the answer to either or both is no, you need to get out.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to willing2Dom)

Post #: 20

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