LadiesBladewing
Posts: 944
Joined: 8/31/2005
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I debated whether to respond to this or not, and found myself thinking rather than sleeping as I ran this conundrum through my mind, so I thought I would share.
We prefer to meet indivdiuals in person -- period --. For me, an individual can be -anything- to -anyone- on line. He or she may be being completely honest about what xhe thinks xhe is, and what xhe believes xhe wants. I may find the descriptions and the way the person interacts online to be "just right" -- and yet, when we get together in person, over a period of time we may find that we are incompatible -- that the "word picture" presented by either individual doesn't match the person in "real life" FOR US. There is no way around this, no matter how long individuals correspond or chat on the phone, because it is a function of the growth of the dynamic between us, in this place and time, and this is shaped by the way that we respond to one another in -real life- situations. The world that we live in shapes us, and shapes our relationships. It affects the way that we relate to one another, and the measure of how a situation is going to work/develop comes from how we find ourselves feeling about the daily interactions that we share.
My mate and I live in a poly dynamic. Some servants may feel stronger in their connection to my mate than they do to me, and some may feel stronger towards me. Other servants will feel equally strongly towards both of us, but in different aspects, because we are different people. I use the "we" to describe the generalities of our Household in this forum, but when we meet with the idea of accepting a servant, that individual is going to have to deal with -us- as individuals, as well as the collective power of the Household that we co-run. In the same way, I may like someone that SR is uncomfortable with, or she may feel really good about someone that I find uncomfortable. If either of us is uncomfortable with the individual, it will skew the dynamics of the household, and make our home an unhappy place to be. But many of these situations don't show themselves through print media, and some don't show up for a while after that.
On the other hand, sometimes people don't come across well "on paper". They don't express themselves well using the written word, or are just not comfortable or descriptive enough to give a picture of who and what they are through online. When you meet them in person, though, who and what they are shines through, and they mesh easily and smoothly, and the life that everyone hopes for begins to take shape. To judge these people on their written correspondence, their spelling, their grammer, the few lines that they contribute may be a -real- injustice to who they are as people. The only way to "know" them is to spend time with them and really -hear- and -see- the person.
Every so often, there is the amazing feat of a person who, completely unexpectedly, comes across -great- on paper, AND is a really good match in person. Those happen. They're pretty rare, but they do happen, and it is really important not to get so jaded in the search process and so afraid of stepping out there because someone might be "too good to be true" that we miss an amazing opportunity for everything we want.
We've had people ask why we use "vanilla" meetings for our initial meetings and a probationary collar for the individuals who really seem like a good fit. This is why -we- choose to do so. When we meet someone, we want to know who that person is in the world. If they have family, we want to see if -their- family will be a good fit with -our- family. We want to talk about all kinds of things, and see if we think in ways that are compatible. We want to know that we can enjoy this person's company, no matter whether we are socializing at home or providing formal tea service for friends. We want -them- to feel comfortable and safe meeting with us, and we want to feel comfortable and safe, too. A "vanilla" venue where we can sit, talk, share a meal and get to know the basics of the people, as well as finding out if we have a chance of being compatible, is something we've found works.
If we want a servant, it is important to us to see how someone fits with us in the role that he or she will have in our home. We like to give people a chance to show themselves for who and what they truly are, and to show the skills and talents that make them unique, special, and that would make them valuable to us. At the same time, we like them to see how -we- are in private, and what they can expect their life to look like as we grow together. We like to take our time with this stage, and to see how we interact, and see what we, as a dynamic, become.
Sometimes, either because of misunderstood or misrepresented presentations, or for no fault of the people involved, but because of incompatibilities that only show up when certain stimuli are applied (like the establishment of a power-based relationship or the placing of a collar or actually interacting in person), certain people just don't fit together. They can write the "correct" things all day long, but when it comes down to meshing together, they don't work. It is important to find these things out, and we find that this works best if we're actually -working- towards the goal while we make the decision. Everyone knows that we're "testing the waters", and even that will skew the results to some extent, but the only way to know if one can do something is to try, and this is what works for us. Certainly, there are some risks, and perhaps this is why we screen those first couple of "vanilla-ish" meetings so very carefully, but in the end, everything valuable requires that we put ourselves "on the line" and take responsibility for what we want, what we need, and open the door for the individuals who may become an integral part of the life that we want to shape...together.
Lady Zephyr
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RE: Importance of Taking Your Time - 
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Still, we can always hope.
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