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newbie role confusion - 5/20/2008 5:23:19 PM   
bbwdommelilith


Posts: 81
Joined: 10/25/2006
Status: offline 		When you first got involved in BDSM  how much confusion did you experience about your orientation? There are so many variations- dom(me), sub, top, bottom, switch, sadist, masochist, straight, bi, poly, etc. Did you know from the start what your orientation was? Did you have to go through a process of experimentation, and how did your identity evolve over time? Was there anything in particular that helped you clarify your needs?
 
Lilith
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RE: newbie role confusion - 5/20/2008 5:27:26 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I knew what I was before I got involved. Did a lot of soul searching. Figured out what was attractive to me and what wasn't. The stuff I fantasized about I knew I would like in some degree. Although usually not as severe as in fantasy.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to bbwdommelilith)
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RE: newbie role confusion - 5/20/2008 5:29:51 PM   
masterofdrkness2


Posts: 1697
Joined: 3/17/2008
Status: offline 		Being a strong , hard headed, leader type person.. there was never any Doubt as to what role I would play once I entered this lifestyle..gaining the know how was a diferent story...I made many mistakes.. but that is what has made me who I am today .

_____________________________

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
(Pink Flyod)

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RE: newbie role confusion - 5/20/2008 5:38:49 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bbwdommelilith

When you first got involved in BDSM  how much confusion did you experience about your orientation?

 
none... I was rather aware of what my orientation was before I came aware of the lifestyle community.
 
quote:
 Did you know from the start what your orientation was?

 
As I said already... I was aware of my Dominant nature... so no struggles or confusion there... but none the less... I continue to learn about myself in a variety of ways... I enjoy that part of life.
 
quote:
Did you have to go through a process of experimentation, and how did your identity evolve over time? Was there anything in particular that helped you clarify your needs?
 


Life is a big experiment of experiences..... experiences validates and shed light on variety of things... but some things you just know about yourself.  I was always aware of my tendencies to be Dominant in my intimate relationships and always tend to walk to my own tune.  I think my partners have the biggest impact on my growth of understanding myself... which is only second to my own personal desire to be introspective of my ownself.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: newbie role confusion - 5/20/2008 6:51:59 PM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		I knew I was Dominant from the start because I have to be the leader, the one who makes the decisions. I always was attracted to big, strong, sexy, submissive males. I had fantasies and knew what I wanted, it took me awhile to find him but I did after kissing many frogs, I got my subprince.

~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






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RE: newbie role confusion - 5/20/2008 6:53:58 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		I've never been confused, per se, but I have evolved as I've "found myself". For example, I used to be Mistress Fire. MistressFireBDSM on here, in fact. In 2005, that changed to Master Fire. The reasoning behind it, if you care to read, is in my LJ. It's really too long to post here.

http://masterfiremaam.livejournal.com/201797.html

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

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RE: newbie role confusion - 5/20/2008 7:02:50 PM   
Shawn1066


Posts: 987
Joined: 10/7/2007
Status: offline 		First off, I'm quite amused to see another follower of Ceiling Cat.  It's good to know my Owner and I aren't alone.

I've never really had any confusion about my identity within the lifestyle.  I knew I was a submissive, and my Owner made me a slave, as I see it.   I was aware of all of this well before I knew there were people who are, at the very least, vaguely similar to me.

DV's Fox

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RE: newbie role confusion - 5/20/2008 7:06:06 PM   
katie978


Posts: 352
Joined: 7/21/2007
Status: offline 		 It took me a bit of time pre-kinky-me to figure it out, but when I did open my eyes to all this jazz, my choice was clear. The roughest part for me was wanting to please-I found myself trying to conform to roles that others (the vultures who prey on n00bs) wanted from me, even if I knew I couldn't fulfill them. Finally, I got stable and sure that my original definition of me was right, and it still is.

_____________________________



"That's the plan. Rule the world. You and me. Anyday ::wink::"



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RE: newbie role confusion - 5/20/2008 7:22:03 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I would say the majority of people go through a fair bit of time and thinking things over before really setting in.  Even ones who feel immediately compelled to a certain orientation tend to spend a fair bit of time really understanding the circumstances of that label and how it will and will not work for them as they use it.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: newbie role confusion - 5/20/2008 8:15:50 PM   
slavegirljoy


Posts: 1207
Joined: 11/6/2006
From: North Carolina, USA
Status: offline 		When i got involved with BD/SM, i didn't know anything about it.  i had never read a book about it and, i didn't know about any of the terms or any of the different orientations.  All i knew was that a very wonderful man, who i looked up to and who had persued me for months finally got me right where he wanted me and he took me into places i had never been before and i loved it.  That was all i needed to know.  i had no interest in learning anything other than what i was experiencing.  i didn't even know that i would be considered a "submissive" or a "masochist", because those words weren't in my vocabulary, in this context.  i just always did whatever the man wanted me to do and always enjoyed being used roughly and being seduced with pain.  That's what felt good to me and it felt right and very comfortable.  End of story, for me.

There was no confusion about who i am and where i fit or what i need, within my intimate relationship.  i'm very thankful that i came into the world of BD/SM through experiencing it in this personal way, rather than by hearing about it or reading about it, first.  i think that would have made it confusing to me and would have turned me off to it, just because there is so much conflicting information written about BD/SM and a lot of it doesn't really apply to me.
 
joy
Owned servant of Master David

< Message edited by slavegirljoy -- 5/20/2008 8:17:46 PM >

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RE: newbie role confusion - 5/20/2008 8:28:33 PM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bbwdommelilith

When you first got involved in BDSM  how much confusion did you experience about your orientation? There are so many variations- dom(me), sub, top, bottom, switch, sadist, masochist, straight, bi, poly, etc. Did you know from the start what your orientation was? Did you have to go through a process of experimentation, and how did your identity evolve over time? Was there anything in particular that helped you clarify your needs?
 
Lilith


Not really... I've just always been me.  When I found out that people had special names for how all this stuff, I looked the options over and assigned the words that fit.  To the experimentation aspect, that's ongoing always for me.  What's out there to try and indulge in is endless, so as the years pass by I just keep trying and learning about more.



_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

Minimal summary: Artist, Disabled Veteran, Vegan, Pornographer, and Agender dominant female.

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RE: newbie role confusion - 5/20/2008 8:51:46 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		I had a general idea, but I also had good fortune to find very good Dommes who took the time to teach, to discuss, to reassure but who also didn't take any nonsense. Knowing that I was submissive was easy, it was based on a feeling, but this is just a starting point and you can be any one of a great number of different types of submissive. Left to my own devices I have strayed from the path a few times, explored a few illusions, but this was also a matter which was addressed some time later where my role was evolved into going beyond the submissive stereotype and being able to define myself as the sort of submissive relevant to me, but also relevant to Dommes who expressed their dominant nature into one of a few loose categories such as the Queen, the Governess, the Bitch-Domina, and so on. However I was taught early on that the shape, extent and nature of my submission is shaped by my Domme and not so much by me. This later evolved to be much more refined, so much so that it more down to the person as opposed to the role or the label.

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(in reply to RumpusParable)
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RE: newbie role confusion - 5/20/2008 9:09:32 PM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		When I first found this, I gravitated naturally to being a Domme as I had always been the leader. But right from those first days, I also knew there was a burning desire in me to experience it from the other side too, to be the receiver as well as the giver. And as I learned more about power exchange, there was a part of me that desperately hungered to be able to lay it all down at someone else's feet for a change! I realised I was tired of always being the ideas person and the decision-maker and the driver. Over time, My perceptions of relative proportions of Domme to sub in me have changed quite a lot ... from thinking I was mostly Domme with 10% sub to now being happiest when 50:50. And also the labels changed, from switch to duality now I see how I operate best. I really don't think there's any harm with experimenting a bit and trying out different roles to see what fits best. Enjoy!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

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RE: newbie role confusion - 5/21/2008 2:31:04 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline 		The only confussion I has was that I wanted to control/own a female at the age of 16. Felt like I was freak.
How people call this...or in what box it is put...doesn't bother me...aslong as I and my girl feel happy with the situation.

_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

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RE: newbie role confusion - 5/21/2008 3:02:50 AM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bbwdommelilith

Did you know from the start what your orientation was? 

Lilith


Initially: no. The reason being, I didn't have a clue what constitutes a dominant or submissive man (broadly speaking). At that point, I knew what I liked, but 'wasn't sure which area was more suited to my way of getting things done.

A spot of reading soon resolved the issue by virtue of providing the material to help me understand my desires. It helped that I had always had an active sex life (promiscuous some might say). While attempting to put the pieces of the jigsaw together, I could reflect on the fact that I not only took control 100% of the time, it was a burning desire, as opposed to being manufactured; I could reflect on the fact that I had a sadistic streak and a taste for humiliation; in fact, I was active with some of the kinks talked of on this board before I even thought about the ins and outs of dominance or submission.

Then you reflect on the human you are outside of the bedroom: sarcastic, self-assured, independent, don't suffer fools gladly, the people around me are there to provide support to my better judgement.

Ultimately, a conclusion is drawn: discipline, punishment, amusement and judgement is what I like to administer, rather than receive.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

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RE: newbie role confusion - 5/21/2008 3:43:00 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Im still confused. Im all over the place. I don't have a need to do anything about it as of now.

(in reply to NorthernGent)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: newbie role confusion - 5/21/2008 6:48:14 AM   
DominantJenny


Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline 		I was very confused in my youth; in the fantasy world I had, it was men over women...but I didn't identify with the women, but with the men...those were the characters inside whose heads I lived. But I knew I wasn't even a little transgendered, so I would wobble a fair bit.
I finally realized that I had created this world in a male-dominated society where tab A into slot B was a lot easier to see to as dominant behavior...I was only 9 years old at the time, and I didn't know how one could do things to a man whose cock, I assumed, would not get hard. Also, I do have a very mild masochistic streak which confused me.
I got older and more educated sexually and that pretty much cleared it up for me. Still maintained that fantasy world for several years, though...it was complex and familiar and worked, after all.
Now, I exclusively fantasize with myself as dominant and have for over decade. I still have that slight masochistic streak, but only indulged it from a dominant standpoint.
In action, I have always been a dominant...I tried submitting once and it very much was NOT for me. I couldn't even fake it without being traumatized.
As far as my sexuality, my only angst was whether I liked guys 'cause I was supposed to or because I really did. I knew I was into girls all my life. In my late teens, I resolved the question in favor of actually liking boys, too, and thus labelled myself bisexual. I questioned it mildly on and off over the years...it wasn't till my late twenties that I saw men in general the way I'd always seen women in general, but I was right in the end.

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RE: newbie role confusion - 5/21/2008 6:54:17 AM   
JohnWarren


Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline 		I just did what I wanted to do within my ethical bounds.  What I wanted changed a bit over the years but I never had any confusion about that.  Now, I did have problems with what I might become in the future and that took a while to overcome

_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

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RE: newbie role confusion - 5/21/2008 6:54:36 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		Listening to my parents and grand parents taught me the difference between the ruling classes and the non ruling classes. I learned watching them handle servants and those in their employ. For as long as I can remember I was not just taught to deal with servants but had the need to be dominant and dictate my own future. Much later this translated after several years of reading, talking to and associating with Masters and Mistresses, into a desire to become a slave owner. Later still the BDSM aspects fell into place.

Iron Bear
Master of Bruin Cottage
(A Victorian Lifestyle poly home)

"I judge a Man by what I see him do and not by what others tell me he does." (Captain Sir Edward Pellew of the HMS Indefatigable to Midshipman Hornblower ~ C.S. Forrester)

< Message edited by IronBear -- 5/21/2008 6:55:13 AM >

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RE: newbie role confusion - 5/21/2008 8:09:25 AM   
subsfaith


Posts: 297
Joined: 11/21/2006
Status: offline 		I knew from the start of my journey I was submissive, however I had no idea just how deep that went, perhaps I still don't.

How long is a piece of string?

(in reply to bbwdommelilith)
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