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RE: At Wits End - 5/21/2008 2:25:22 AM

Justme696

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quote:

Orginally the love was mutual, but according to her now it's just me and somehow she just "lost interest"

move on..I ruined last year a lot of time with this. Love makes blind, and I respect you doing all for her. But seriously, end it..or you will get hurt.

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RE: At Wits End - 5/21/2008 3:39:15 AM

Dnomyar

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StormsSlave put it more eloquent than I would have. I have to be nice or I will be awaiting approval.

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RE: At Wits End - 5/21/2008 3:55:38 AM

Owner4SexSlave

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LearningDom255
That's just it, she never would tell me what I was lacking, and it kept me guessing. It could of been anything. I tried to figure it out, but it's very difficult when they just won't tell you.

What's more, there was a noticible change in her behavior. She was into me hardcore and then all of a sudden she didn't want to talk to me. She just, lost interest, but I could never tell why. It confused me to no end, and still does as I try and piece together what I did wrong.

This is why many so many people have the sub/slave must communicate what's on their mind and share it rule. Dom's are not mind readers nor do we own crystal balls. It's important to have clear rules that reinforce good communication.

< Message edited by Owner4SexSlave -- 5/21/2008 3:57:59 AM >

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RE: At Wits End - 5/21/2008 5:10:26 AM

DesFIP

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First, accept the fact that she just isn't into you, that she's moved on. If you're constantly calling her, you could get a rep as a stalker. Next, take time to grieve the loss of this relationship. And for the future, deal with your own issues first. You admit you have them, now is the time to get some help.

As far as what you did wrong? You may not have done anything. She may have liked you at first but discovered after time that she simply wasn't compatible. Not everybody you like is obligated to like you back. As far as telling you what to do to please her, for most s types that is totally unpleasant. It is the absolute confidence of a dom that attracts us, that makes us want to follow him around. Hard to do that when he isn't leading.

Good luck.

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RE: At Wits End - 5/21/2008 6:04:01 AM

ponyboyachilles

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LearningDom255

I agree, I can see how it might have gotten boring for her since we couldn't really meet in the flesh. We were going to but I doubt that's going to happen anytime soon.

Thanks so very much for all the advice, I'm going to try and so what you all suggested. I really appreciate the help.

If I understand this post correctly, you and she never met IRL. If the conversation went on for 4 months and in all that time you never actually MET the girl but only talked by phone and email, NO WONDER she got bored and lost interest. She is the real deal, and thinks you are not. Next time, make a very specific plan to meet IN THE FLESH as you say, as soon as you think she is ready. Once you look into her eyes across a restaurant booth, you will know if the chemistry is there. Not before.

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RE: At Wits End - 5/21/2008 6:12:20 AM

happypervert

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quote:

from the OP:

I desperately, desperately want to save this because she means more to me than any other girl in the world

from a later post:

I can see how it might have gotten boring for her since we couldn't really meet in the flesh.

Get a grip. You haven't even met this "girl" -- for all you know "she" sent you pics found on the internet, and even if you spoke on the phone so you're sure it isn't a guy it could still be some married old sow who was getting some kicks at your expense.

And even if it isn't all a ruse, your desperation would be a real turn-of -- chicks don't like desperation whether you're dominant or not.

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RE: At Wits End - 5/21/2008 8:10:04 AM

Dnomyar

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happypervert Im a prime example that chicks do like desperate men. Mabey there is hope for the op after all.

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RE: At Wits End - 5/21/2008 9:42:21 AM

LearningDom255

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This board is great, I never expected so many quick replies and advice, and reading all what you have said really made me think.

I understand why she lost interest, there was no way we could meet at least until this summer due to the fact that she lived a few states away from me. To the poster who thinks she could be a man pulling my strings, that's not possible. Mainly because I would see her on cam often, and we would talk on the phone and she would send specific pictures to me that could not be fake. But I digress.

I was planning to meet her this summer, but now that this happened that looks like it's out of the question entirely. I would call her every now and then to talk, but she would never answer her phone. Although when we were talking last night, she told me I was very annoying always trying to talk to her, and I admit I can be annoying sometimes, but I had no idea that it was getting to her that badly. She never told me I was bugging her, nor getting on her nerves.

See, it was really strange with her. The day before she was perfectly normal, sending me pictures, telling me how she still was interested, and then it just suddenly stopped. She smoked weed a lot, not that there is anything wrong with that at all, but whenever she did she would say how she lost interest. But last night, she was really serious. I guess I'm blowing this all out of proportion, but I honestly did and still have solid feelings for this girl.

Maam Jay and Lady Pact, I thank both of you for the advice. Before this girl I did have some experience in talking to other people and being more dominant with them, and I like the idea of having control over someone and they being into me and giving me what I want as well as vice vera. So, I didnt' just want to instantly become a Dom for this girl, it's just that she was different than anyone I had ever met before, she was hardcore into being a sub and I was overwhelmed and didnt' know how to handle it. I tried, but it's tough especially like some of you said how we could only talk and go on cam, never really meeting in the flesh. I have a feeling if we could it would be much, much different. At least that's what I hoped.

I know I can't change who I am, but part of me hates how I am too kind at times. I'm always too nice, come off as annoying and talk when not needed. I want to dwell on that part of me that wants to be rude and cold, but still loving at the same time. I'm not sure if that makes sense really, but it's what I want to do. I'm tired of always being blown off as the "nice guy" and all that.

Anyway this post is getting far too long winded, but I really appreciate all of your advice and what you have to say. I'm open to any kind of info on how I work on being a better Dom even though I have very minimal experience.

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RE: At Wits End - 5/21/2008 9:54:11 AM

ShatteredSoul123

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LearningDom255

I need help. Badly. I don't know what to do, nor do I know how to act. I want desperately to learn how to be a better Dom, and all my previous attempts have failed.

Does this mean you were a dom before this relationship start? Or is it something you are trying to be for the girl?

quote:

I am in love deeply with this one girl, who I let slip out of my hands because I was unable to perform my role as a Dom

I ask the above questions because if you are trying to be a dom for this girl, its not something you can ever acheive. You have to be a dom because you feel the desire to dominate others. Any other reason is only going to get people hurt. So I stress this, were you instantly drawn to this lifestyle when you first learned of it? Was it like a missing piece of the link? What it something you've always been involved with?

quote:

What steps do I need to take to get her back?

you can't get her back as you have realized. Love either exists or it doesn't, and if it doesn't its not something you can magically create. There has to be some underlying love before any D/s comes into the picture.

quote:

I can't stand not being without her. I want to be her one and only Dom, who supports her and loves her and gives her everything.

Being a Dom and being a provider can often times be very different things

quote:

Maybe I'm confused, maybe I'm looking in the wrong place, maybe I'm starting on the wrong foot. Who knows. What I do know is that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get back with this girl.

These are the questions that make me wonder what I am asking. You cannot be a Dom to get her back. You have to be a Dom because you feel its part of the calling that makes you, you!

quote:

I want to be a Dom and I want to do it well.

If this is true, take a step back and forget about this and all girls. First you really need to discover who you are, what your interests are, what you want out of a submissive/slave, and how you can go about acheiving these things. Before any relationship takes place, first discover yourself.

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RE: At Wits End - 5/21/2008 10:02:50 AM

cutefreckles

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LearningDom255

See, it was really strange with her. The day before she was perfectly normal, sending me pictures, telling me how she still was interested, and then it just suddenly stopped.

Sometimes a person will hide their feelings (or lack of) for a time because they are hoping it may still work out and they don't want to hurt the other person. Perhaps this is what happened with her. So although it seemed sudden for you, her interest had likely been waning for some time.

I am sorry you are going through this. Focus on what will make you a stronger man and Dom so you'll be ready for the next sweet, beautiful thing that comes into your life.

Yours faithfully,
freckles

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RE: At Wits End - 5/21/2008 10:07:30 AM

LadyHugs

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Dear LearningDom255, Ladies and Gentlemen;

I for one would stop chasing anybody until you have found your own personal style of 'domination.' Learning and adding to your skills as a TOP is important at this time and looking for the ideal partnership with a submissive/slave would be the last priority on my list of 'to do.'

I had recognized this philosophy myself, when I was learning my craft as to be a Master. My focus was divided and both suffered--so, once free of the personal relationship with a potential slave; I then buckled down and learned my craft by being taught by well established Masters and their slaves; giving me lessons just by inspiration, watching the interaction as well as the skills. Mentoring is an honorable practice when there is no strings attached to the learning. This is true for slave or Master. That said, as I have progressed through thirty plus years in the scene my tastes have changed in some regards. So, the slaves who served me over twenty years ago would most likely would have pleased me presently, if they had lived.

To be a good Master or Dominant, you must learn how to be one and independent of change by outside relationships. Finding yourself first before finding a mate is important. This way, you can find your own personal truth and style; your boundaries and your goals in the short time, mid-future and long term future. But, to do this you must educate yourself to the role, responsibilities and the long term commitment in caring for another being. Much like a marriage. That said, it is my opinion to be wise to your self, be more patient with yourself in this 'instant' gratification time/world. Being new is not an ugly term. At least you have the honesty of admitting that you are learning. In fact, with all the time I have had in the lifestyle--I am always learning--it never stops.

Once you are secure in who and what you are; it will transmit outwardly and you will find a worthy slave to share your life with on a long term basis.

Just some thoughts.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

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RE: At Wits End - 5/21/2008 10:26:25 AM

firefey

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ok, the thing i want to address here is this thought that you are too nice to be a dom. because that notion right there might be one of your biggest issues. dominance is not about being a cruel asshole, although many fall into that falacy, it's about confidence and force of will. nice guys can still be dominant men, and so can nice women but that seems to have different connotations. the important thing, as others have said, is to know who you are in the deepest part of you and just let that naturally come out. easier said than done i know. but look at the local scene in your area, especially if you're close-ish to seattle, and see what resources are available for you. real people are you best resource as others have said, but more than that i think you'll start to see that there are many caring, gentle doms that are still fawned over and adored without having to resort to being an asshole to get some lovin'.

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RE: At Wits End - 5/21/2008 12:00:25 PM

LearningDom255

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This is true of me, that I haven't really found who I am in terms of how I want to act. I do know that I like being more dominant than submissive, and I try and be myself in all that I do.

It seems I haven't found anyone that accepts my style of who I am, and I try and change to adhere to what other people would "want". I think about things like this far too much and I think it's part of my problem.

I really wish I could of done something to have her stay with me, but I guesd that's just wishful thinking with the "coulda shoulda woulda" proccess.

With all my relationships its been something to where I don't feel happy or I don't feel like I'm truly being myself. I have to admit that I liked being able to have control when I was with her, I liked being able to tell her what to do and have her listen and please me. At the same time, I thought I was making her happy, which turns out wasn't the case. She went from no liking me, to liking me hardcore, then to not liking me. I guess It was mixed signals, there were times where she was telling me that I was different from all the other guys she's dated, and she even told me she loved me many times over.

Honestly I'm angry at myself for putting so much energy into it when it turned into this. The last thing I wanted was this to happen, and now it seems like I lost something that I could have kept if I had of played my cards right.

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RE: At Wits End - 5/21/2008 12:07:15 PM

LearningDom255

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I still want to talk to her, but the very thought of even trying to speak to her again makes me think it will be too soon and will ruin the small shred of hope that I have left.

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RE: At Wits End - 5/21/2008 1:17:57 PM

lizcgirl

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First of all, I had several vanilla relationships where I would tell the guy what I needed as far as being dominated and they would try but it NEVER got the job done. You can tell when a person is behaving a certain way just to please you, and when that happens it ruins the desired dynamic. You let her know that she was in control of you by changing your behavior to fit only what she wanted, that takes the power out of your hands and puts it into hers. If you're trying to be a Dom, that will not work. You have to be in control the entire time, and that means first and foremost to be in control of yourself.

Second, if she blew you off and was as harsh to you as you said she was, don't chase her. If you do, whatever respect she MAY have for you as a Dom will vanish because, again, she is the one in control. As a sub I could never respect a Dom that I had total control over because I do not want to be the one in control of the relationship.

quote:

It seems I haven't found anyone that accepts my style of who I am, and I try and change to adhere to what other people would "want". I think about things like this far too much and I think it's part of my problem.

It sounds like you need to take some time off from relationships until you learn what it is YOU want. Not what any one else expects of you, but what makes you happy. Once you know who you are and what you want, it is much easier and healthier to establish a relationship. Otherwise you will constantly be changing who you are to please others and it will never be fulfilling enough to keep you happy for long. Not to mention the other person most likely won't be happy either because you won't be a person by yourself but rather a puppet they can control however they wish.

If you want to be a Dom because you believe it is right for you, more power to you and good luck. But you should research it first before you commit to it and I would recommend being around another Dom in RL and even a D/s couple if possible to see how a dynamic works. But I would not recommend getting into a D/s relationship without serious thought or research on your part because you run the risk of finding a sub who will follow your words blindly and if you don't know what you're doing you can get her hurt.

As for this girl speficially- back off. If there is any chance of fixing it, you will ruin it by seeming desperate and she will have no respect for you. Focus on yourself and if she comes back to you, you will be more attractive to her because you will be more confident, self aware, and knowledgeable instead of seeming like she is leading you around on a leash.

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RE: At Wits End - 5/21/2008 1:47:57 PM

Prinsexx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LearningDom255

I need help. Badly. I don't know what to do, nor do I know how to act. I want desperately to learn how to be a better Dom, and all my previous attempts have failed.

I am in love deeply with this one girl, who I let slip out of my hands because I was unable to perform my role as a Dom as well as my own annoying issues that I have. I can't even begin to describe how beautiful and meanigful she is to me. I desperately, desperately want to save this because she means more to me than any other girl in the world and rececently we have fought to a point to where she basically told me she was bored and lost interest.

What steps do I need to take to get her back? I can't stand not being without her. I want to be her one and only Dom, who supports her and loves her and gives her everything.

Maybe I'm confused, maybe I'm looking in the wrong place, maybe I'm starting on the wrong foot. Who knows. What I do know is that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get back with this girl.

I want to be a Dom and I want to do it well.

Please help a newbie Dom out!!

I am just a submissive girl with a slave mindset ok. For me, if I had to state what most worries me in a Dominant? It's when they let slip....it can be a psychological slip, or a physical slip but each are equally as dangerous for me because they make me feel unsafe. A physical analogy might be most helpful and easier for you to visualise. Imagine that I am blindfolded and restrained such that I am on my belly and tied into a 'bow' with my wrists tied to my ankles, back arched and waiting.....all my senses relax knowing that I am pyhysically safe and all I need to do is wait for him.....and then bang! my ankles and wrists become untied and I am left floundering, hurting because my arms and legs hit the ground and he was neither there to catch me, nor was it intended ......
your post soeaks of your not being there for her, but very wrapped up in yourself. Yor post speaks of you not supporting her, not catching her, your post speaks of you not even knowing of her boredom until it was too late.....it's as psychologically unsafe for her as it could have been.
Your mind and its steadfastness is yet stronger than any ropes that can bind her and your outlook on the relationship is the light she will follow in her darkness. If it is not steadfast her fear will make her leave to find the sanctuary she once felt within herself before she knew you.
I have returned when I have felt danger but I have never returned when I have felt unsafe.

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RE: At Wits End - 5/21/2008 2:01:52 PM

Maya2001

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A lot of communication is necessary for a good relationship in expressing concerns, views, expectations as well a listening, if you promise something you have to follow thru or make a serious attempt or trust becomes broken... and online will become boring if it does not lead anywhere and after a while a promise of a meet down the road can seem like idle talk just to keep a performance going.... the one relationship that I did have online for an extended and went to a very successful meet due to distance about 1000 miles seperating us and delayed meet due to surgeries involved extremely little online D/s, the conversations focused mostly on getting to know each other our likes, dislikes, other interests family mostly just vanilla stuff...had it been most online domination I probably would have tired of it long before and thought that it was just a game that he was playing with me and that he had no serious interest in taking to real time or serious interest in me as a person

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RE: At Wits End - 5/21/2008 2:24:49 PM

Prinsexx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHugs

To be a good Master or Dominant, you must learn how to be one and independent of change by outside relationships. Finding yourself first before finding a mate is important.

ladyHugs; It's good to see you again after so long.
I totally agree with this. I would call it steadfastness.
If I scratch and bite, wriggle, kick off, scream and protest it doesn't mean what it would mean in the vanilla woprld. It doesn't mean go away.
It means: can you handle me, are you strong enough, are you steadfast enough. do you want me enough to keep me until my kicking has subsidied? Like a child who rebels against a parent doesn't really want to be abandoned, then I require that same degree of steadfastness otherwise I don't feel that it is mastery.

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RE: At Wits End - 5/21/2008 2:59:58 PM

LearningDom255

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Again, thanks for all your replies. I will back off from talking to her, and see if she replies back. Part of me wants just to say something, but again I don't want that to seem like she's leading me and the one pulling the strings. I want to be the one that is mature, knows what I want and let's it be known.

I already know what I want, it seems that everytime I think I've found it, it backfires and I end up ruining the situation. Online relationships are god-awefully hard to maintain as yes, after a period of time it can become stale. However, I was and still am interested in her life and about getting to know her more as a person. Up until a few days ago I thought everything was going fine, and it seemed like it was.

I know it seems strange, and rather odd that I would develop feelings for this girl only after a couple of months, but it truly hurt when she said some of the things she said to me. I want to do the right things to get her to come back, but I feel like it's always fragile ground. How does one know when to stop saying I love you, or tell them how much you mean to them and how beautiful they are without sounding redundant or sappy?

It seemed like she was done with me, and told me that it was over, but somehow in my mind I want to believe that there is that sliver of hope that maybe I was smothering her and I should just back off for a while. I hate the thought of her being with other guys, because I know that with some work I can be the best person she's ever and will ever have.

< Message edited by LearningDom255 -- 5/21/2008 3:00:32 PM >

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RE: At Wits End - 5/21/2008 5:00:48 PM

MusicalBoredom

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Just a few thoughts here, all of it just being my opinion of course. First, I think people fall heavily in online relationships for a few reasons 1) the got into an online relationship because they really wanted to be in one and online was easier 2) since it was online only, time was limited and no real-world issues to crop up so the other party is part real and part the person of our dreams that we made up in our head 3) when things go south we have whatever desperation was present in the first place compounded by "proof" that our dream will never be met. Now I have nothing against online at all but we bring our own issues to those just as in the real world ones.

The other thing is that, as mentioned already, people really get standoffish with people they feel are whiny or desperate. By desperate I don't mean "wanting" or "desiring" I mean WAY past that. I have also never met anyone who has a problem with someone being nice. I have met some people that say that but what they call "nice" is sometimes an attempt at control like "let me be your best friend" when what they really want is to be your only friend or to not be insecure or to even just want sex. Sometimes it's "look how much I can do for you" when what they really mean is "I can buy you." People usually see through our lame attempts at managing our own fear and usually reject what isn't honest.

The last thing is that being dominant isn't a tool for managing our own insecurities. "You are mine and I demand you to love me and never leave" is never going to work. It is, in my opinion, what is expressed between two people as a negotiation. Nobody is dominant over all other people and nobody is submissive to all other people. Sure there are personality traits that are involved but to be expressed, it has always been with "the right" people or person in my case when it came down to actually being expressed. I may have dominant traits in general but for me to be dominant, I have to be dominant over something. Even when I am dominant over something or someone I still have some degree of negotiation.

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