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RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/21/2008 2:13:49 PM   
masterofdrkness2


Posts: 1697
Joined: 3/17/2008
Status: offline 		At first I tried to read as much as I could... tried a few things.. then found out.. I just needed to let me  be me so to speak.. It does come natural to me..I was in several vanilla relationships .. and they all failed badly...So once I got into bdsm... it was like finding myself again... the first scene I was involved in   made this lifestyle  allmost like a drug I just had to have more ! 

< Message edited by masterofdrkness2 -- 5/21/2008 2:15:49 PM >

_____________________________

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
(Pink Flyod)

(in reply to BrigandDoom)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/21/2008 5:29:29 PM   
Aanakaris


Posts: 310
Joined: 4/8/2008
Status: offline 		"Always be yourself. Those who mind do not matter, those who matter will not mind."
-Dr. Seuss


The hardest thing I find to bring across for myself and others Doms is that arrogance is not confidence, but it's easy for the inexpereinced to mistake one for the other.

Howard

(in reply to masterofdrkness2)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/21/2008 6:57:27 PM   
MidMichCowboy


Posts: 665
Joined: 3/23/2007
Status: offline 		I was quite young, and yet, confident. The trick was reading her .. her body and her emotions. Even then, the barbarian ran the show. It worked very well.

_____________________________

I want to capture your mind, your spirit, your soul, your body, your devotion and your love. Then, will I give you my heart.

(in reply to Lumus)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/21/2008 7:21:47 PM   
summersprite


Posts: 101
Joined: 4/3/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: masterofdrkness2

At first I tried to read as much as I could... tried a few things.. then found out.. I just needed to let me  be me so to speak.. It does come natural to me..I was in several vanilla relationships .. and they all failed badly...So once I got into bdsm... it was like finding myself again... the first scene I was involved in   made this lifestyle  allmost like a drug I just had to have more ! 



Interesting ;-) My vanilla relationships have all failed badly over the years. For some reason, I was always the dominant one in the vanilla world, yet when I came to BDSM I looked at my fantasies and realised I was submissive in virtually all of them. So, I tried my first session as a sub, and yes, it was like I'd found something that had been missing in my life.


And thank you to everyone else who has replied to this thread too. I'm learning a lot from some very wise people ;-)

(in reply to masterofdrkness2)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/21/2008 7:23:56 PM   
Evility


Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline 		To me experience relates more to the particular activities that you might participate in be it simple impact play or more intense stuff. As far as the subtleties of domination go you can have a wealth of time in under your belt with a variety of submissives but all of that may or may not relate well to your next submissive. As one submissive once said "All that experience is fine but it is not experience with me". I think it is a point well taken.

(in reply to summersprite)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/21/2008 8:29:09 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: summersprite

The following was posted in answer to someone else's thread about inadequacy as a Dom.... It got me thinking.... No doubt a few on here will say this has been discussed before.... but that is the nature of messageboards on any site.... all subjects will repeat as new people join... you can either redirect them back a few years... or you can accept that everything is an ongoing conversation and new ideas could possibly emerge each time this is discussed.... (no disrespect intended for those who've been here forever...)

"This isn't entirely in answer to the OP but he does raise something I find interesting. As a new sub, i met with a Dom, who is now my Sir, and i let Him guide me in how to be a good sub, i followed His lead, i submitted to His will, i made it my aim to please Him..... i'm not saying it was easy, but i only had to look up at Him, to listen to Him, to do what He asked.... my submission felt natural, i needed to obey Him....
But as a new Dom, how do you establish control and convey the feeling you have the experience to be dominant..... is it 90% bluffing, is it a personality thing - are you confident and sure of yourself anyway? Do you let a sub top from the bottom to tell you how to be a good Dom? I'd be interested to know what Doms thought of their first experience being dominant..... "


Read, and follow the signs.
 
It's the main talent a Dominant has. And I don't mean "castle realm".
 
You can do it,or you cannot. It's not a cliche-it's who are, and how you interact.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to summersprite)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/21/2008 8:45:01 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		You're asking two different questions there, aren't you?

The answer to the first question is: I let someone decide for herself whether I have what it takes to dominate her.  I don't come on with my dossier and highlight reel.  Besides, people seriously overvalue experience.  A prick with a lot of experience is still a prick.  (I wrote something on one of the other boards tonight about how the answers to being a dom all lie within yourself; you don't need to read any books by self-appointed experts.  Some of those experts took umbrage...)

Anyway, the answer to the second question is: I didn't know WHAT the hell I was doing the first time, and neither did she.  We made it up as we went along.  It was a great learning experience for both of us.

quote:

ORIGINAL: summersprite

But as a new Dom, how do you establish control and convey the feeling you have the experience to be dominant..... is it 90% bluffing, is it a personality thing - are you confident and sure of yourself anyway? Do you let a sub top from the bottom to tell you how to be a good Dom? I'd be interested to know what Doms thought of their first experience being dominant..... "

(in reply to summersprite)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/21/2008 10:00:51 PM   
CruelDesires


Posts: 824
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		This brings to mind a poem written by a Dominant about some things he learned from his submissive. It also explains where Ones name came from.

-------------------------------------------------------

The Crucible


There he stands all tall and strong
His hair down to his back
His dark eyes searching for submissive prey
Their spoor will he but track

He Picks and chooses from among quite many
He weeds them to a few
Then tests their limits upon this world
And finds one that's slave true

She kneels before him and gives him all
The gift that she must give
He takes her gift and uses it
Not knowing the depth it is

Here's the gift she gives to him
I will explain it to one and all
This thing we call submissive females
The ones who kneel and crawl

They have such amazing strength and depth
Their complexities do amaze him
He revels in his new found power
Her devotion does not faze him

She awakens his cruel and dark desires
She does this with her need
He grows in strength and happiness
Her emotional state he does not heed

She knows that her love is deep
She knows that it is true
She does whatever he asks of her
Her eyes so brilliant blue

She gave him all her strength and joy
She gave him her whole life
It disappeared within his darkened soul
His indifference cut like a knife

She looked past all that and so much more
She saw what he could be
I will continue to give him all I have
Even if the hurt consumes me

When everything was over and done
He had consumed up all of her need
Not out of hate or anger or selfishness
Or of stupidity and or greed

Even after her soul was empty
And she had given all that she could give
She gave him the last thing that she had left
His freedom so that he could live

To her master she did say
On one dark and stormy night
I will allways love you my darling sweet
And for you I will allways fight

I can't stay in the lifestyle any more
I will never again be a slave
The one spot that you filled within my heart
I will allways cherish and save

Please dont weep for me my sweet Master
Please dont pity me at all
For I have done what I was supposed to do
I have harkened to your call

To all of those that look down on me
For leaving the D\s scene
I have made him a much more stronger man
More Dominant and serene

Unfinished by Malice
2\05\01

--------------------------------------

CD

_____________________________

Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself.
Lois McMaster Bujold, "A Civil Campaign", 1999

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/21/2008 10:55:31 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		If you have to ESTABLISH control, then you're starting with a power stuggle...and that can be a damned hard place to start from.

Knowing what you want, or at least what you think you want, and having tested that against reality puts you on the road to starting to be a decent Dominant.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to summersprite)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/22/2008 3:50:11 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Owner4SexSlave

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I don't think bluffing and pretending have any place in it. I think the important thing is simply to go slowly enough that he/she does feel comfortable with the things they are doing or asking for. By staying within their own comfort levels, they get used to directing while seeing that it isn't a bad thing to take the lead.

One of the first things The Man taught me was how he likes his tea. Doesn't take soul searching or worry about hurting someone to say "this kind of tea only, with this much sugar". And yet, that is a dominant act, to actively instruct someone else so as to pleased. But it is well within anyone's comfort level to wince and say "could you get me another cup, this one with one sugar not two".


The joy of understanding how simply it really is, by not overthinking it to death.


Yeah but when everyone else is explaining while their first experience was swinging from the chandelier, all chained up, I'm mumbling about being told how he likes his tea. Talk about embarrassment!

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Owner4SexSlave)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/22/2008 4:13:51 AM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		This is where it gets to be something that goes beyond the technical aspects of bdsm. A good Dom, a good person, would listen, ask questions and point out he/she is not familiar with something. You are leading/Doming with your honesty, intelligence, sensitivity, common sense and drive to be dominant in the play.

Think of it this way. There may be Doms who can do the most miraculous bdsm play in clubs, yet can’t maintain a relationship because of lacking qualities that are important to most. Same with submissives who have to find their fun in impersonal ways.

Find a good person to lead you, not a good flogger. 

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to summersprite)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/22/2008 4:15:56 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

If you have to ESTABLISH control, then you're starting with a power stuggle...and that can be a damned hard place to start from.

Knowing what you want, or at least what you think you want, and having tested that against reality puts you on the road to starting to be a decent Dominant.

Master Fire



QFT

the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/22/2008 5:51:13 AM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: summersprite

The following was posted in answer to someone else's thread about inadequacy as a Dom.... It got me thinking.... No doubt a few on here will say this has been discussed before.... but that is the nature of messageboards on any site.... all subjects will repeat as new people join... you can either redirect them back a few years... or you can accept that everything is an ongoing conversation and new ideas could possibly emerge each time this is discussed.... (no disrespect intended for those who've been here forever...)

"This isn't entirely in answer to the OP but he does raise something I find interesting. As a new sub, i met with a Dom, who is now my Sir, and i let Him guide me in how to be a good sub, i followed His lead, i submitted to His will, i made it my aim to please Him..... i'm not saying it was easy, but i only had to look up at Him, to listen to Him, to do what He asked.... my submission felt natural, i needed to obey Him....
But as a new Dom, how do you establish control and convey the feeling you have the experience to be dominant..... is it 90% bluffing, is it a personality thing - are you confident and sure of yourself anyway? Do you let a sub top from the bottom to tell you how to be a good Dom? I'd be interested to know what Doms thought of their first experience being dominant..... "


I can't really answer your questions, because the problem is that when your a new Dom you feel you need to establish control and convey the experience to be Dominant and that's where you fuck up.

It's when I stopped trying to establish control and convey that I had experience that things worked a lot better for me.

I don't consider to be something linked to personality. Having the personality type that allows for easy and good decision making helps a lot, but it's a matter of orientation. You have a desire and a drive to be in control of your intimate relationships in some way or another and then over time you learn to express that in a way that works best for you and who you are.

I don't consider it to be linked to confidence either, but confidence does help a lot in attracting women. To me, it's mostly willing to make decisions and then take responsibility for those decisions. The kind of genuine self confidence that isn't simply posturing, but where you know what to do in every kind of life experience or life situation takes an entire lifetime to build. Until that point, I think it's more important to just be confidant in the fact that your going to fuck it up somewhere along the road. I sure as hell as am not going to be confident in my ability to take the lead in salsa dancing, play the banjo, or whip someone with a single tail, but in ten years from now we'll see.

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to summersprite)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/22/2008 6:56:11 AM   
Owner4SexSlave


Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
Yeah but when everyone else is explaining while their first experience was swinging from the chandelier, all chained up, I'm mumbling about being told how he likes his tea. Talk about embarrassment!

They just have not figured out the difference between kink and D/s yet, or simply Love showing off.   That's all.... 

You mumble very well.... BTW...

< Message edited by Owner4SexSlave -- 5/22/2008 6:57:59 AM >

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/22/2008 6:59:43 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Yeah but when everyone else is explaining while their first experience was swinging from the chandelier, all chained up, I'm mumbling about being told how he likes his tea. Talk about embarrassment!

My first dominant expereince was having someone elses slave give me a foot rub after telling him he had been a good boy. No whips, no cains and I remember thinking if this was it, I dont really see the appeal... he doesnt even give that great a foot rub...


_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/22/2008 8:10:40 AM   
pettingdragons


Posts: 421
Joined: 8/16/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: batshalom
~nods at pettingdragons~ (cool nickname, btw.)
A new Dom (or a more experienced one, for that matter) would do well to remember subs can be marvelous mentors for Doms. I don't mean by topping. I mean in directing gently, encouraging, suggesting things.


~nods back and thank you...~
thats it exactly.....new Doms seem to think htat if htey are learning from a sub they are topping from the bottom ..and that is not "always" the case....some of the best Dominants/Masters i know learned from subs/slaves.....

pettingdragons
**MasterDragons considered slave**

(in reply to batshalom)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/22/2008 8:19:43 AM   
pettingdragons


Posts: 421
Joined: 8/16/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aanakaris
The hardest thing I find to bring across for myself and others Doms is that arrogance is not confidence, but it's easy for the inexpereinced to mistake one for the other.
Howard


agreed....just because one is "born" **coughs** dominant does not a doninant make....confidence, skill and the ability to "know ones' self" and letting go of ones ego and many more things make a dominant.....not arrogance, bulling, etc...LOL

pettingdragons
**Master Dragons considered slave**


(in reply to Aanakaris)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/22/2008 2:09:11 PM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		My first experiences with the BDSM side were loaners, LOL slaves of other masters who were used as a prop to teach me some basic skills on and provide feedback eventually. (Non Sexual Contact).
After awhile being shownthe ropes opportunities came up from single bottoms who knew/ had seen me learning from more experienced folks.

Dominance was more a matter of military leadership training, a natuaral tendancy to be an emerging leader in social/ problem solving situations, multiple failed relationships where I tried to be equal in authority. Study of behavioral science, and other subjects that apply to a Carnegey Institute outlook. LOL (Win Freinds and influence people).

(in reply to pettingdragons)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/22/2008 6:01:34 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		This is something of two different questions to Me, as ExSteel pointed out.  The Dominant part I just fell into.  Learning the techniques of topping was another matter.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Archer)
Profile   Post #: 39
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