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A question from a new dom - 5/22/2008 12:17:18 AM

softbutchdom

Posts: 3
Joined: 5/21/2008
Status: offline

I am a new Dom and I have never been with a submissive in a 24/7 relatioship before.

I have had a play partner before but thats about it. I am a fun loving, silly and very cool person. But when it comes to the bedroom I dominate because thats how I am. It comes naturally for me.

I am kinda confused tho, do subs want a dom that is always serious and looking to punish? When it comes to control there is no question, because I am the one in control, however I definitely have a romantic streak and I wonder if subs see that as a sign of weakness?

This is a new world that has been recently been opened up to me and I want to learn and make sure I am a good dom worthy of a good sub.

_____________________________

Love Thy Woman

Post #: 1

RE: A question from a new dom - 5/22/2008 1:38:28 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Don't worry about what subs are looking for, in the big picture. The way to be comfortable is to be yourself, then see who likes it. That way, you're well matched. Same as if you were dating in the vanilla world.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to softbutchdom)

Post #: 2

RE: A question from a new dom - 5/22/2008 2:21:44 AM

Littlepita

Posts: 1430
Joined: 10/6/2005
Status: offline

Listen to MasterFireMaam and you will be fine.

There is never a doubt that my Sir is in control, however he is also sweet, romantic, funny, and on occasion a total dork. Not only his he my Master and Daddy, but he is my best friend and greatest love. As a submissive, I wanted someone capable of controlling themselves and me. I also wanted all the other stuff that makes a terrific relationship.

If you found a submissive that only wanted a serious, punishing dominant and that isn't your personality, then the relationship won't work. You have understand yourself and what you want before you can take on the responsibility of a submissive/slave.

_____________________________

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” – Anais Nin

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 3

RE: A question from a new dom - 5/22/2008 4:25:20 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

Don't sweat it op. Im a loverboy or loverman type Dom. Not all submissives are into punishment. I only do it if they ask me to. You would be considered a GentleDom. Live with it.

(in reply to Littlepita)

Post #: 4

RE: A question from a new dom - 5/22/2008 6:51:56 AM

phoenixinchains

Posts: 2534
Joined: 4/5/2007
From: i live here
Status: offline

Welcome to the forums.
if your relationships go beyond a kinky while in the bedroom, your partner will probly want a mate that isn't one demensional...

_____________________________

OWNED BY CHAOSFORGE.
purrfectly happy slave of Chaosforge.

http://www.myspace.com/phoenixofchaosforge
devotee of CM gods and mods

(in reply to softbutchdom)

Post #: 5

RE: A question from a new dom - 5/22/2008 7:13:14 AM

coca

Posts: 53
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline

my questions are basic :)

i feel that You like Your sub and want to be a good Domme for Your sub , right?
if yes it's not a bad thing.

but it would be difficult when You want to satisfied Your sub. Because sub desires are unlimited :)
be selfish and do not try to think subneeds more than Yours..

regards..
coca

(in reply to phoenixinchains)

Post #: 6

RE: A question from a new dom - 5/22/2008 7:20:41 AM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

My Master is very loving and romantic however i always know that he is in control. You don't have to be a strict punishing Dom to be a good one. Just be yourself and you will find a match.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to coca)

Post #: 7

RE: A question from a new dom - 5/22/2008 10:12:59 AM

LadyMarmalade1

Posts: 103
Joined: 2/26/2006
Status: offline

I agree with everyone else, be yourself. If you can be yourself with your sub then the relationship will be that much better. As a note, I am coca's Domme, and it is true, a sub's desires ARE endless. I am similar to you, in that I care a lot about what my sub needs and gets out of our relationship (as I've seen most Dom/mes are here), and I'm sure coca sometimes wishes I would be dominant more often and not have those moments where I just want to cuddle. But you have to be realistic, if you're personality isnt 24-7 dominant, then you're not being natural, and the sub won't be having the "real" you. But as my sub tells me often, as time passes, you will find more ways of being dominant and the increase in dominance becomes a part of the "real" you (at least this is my experience).

Good luck.
Lady M

(in reply to littleone35)

Post #: 8

RE: A question from a new dom - 5/22/2008 4:28:42 PM

katie978

Posts: 352
Joined: 7/21/2007
Status: offline

If you make all-the-time rules, enforce them, but apart from that, just be yourself. Most people can't be in "bedroom Dom" mode all the time, just like you don't use the sultry bedroom eyes and voice all the time. You probably don't expect your sub to be on her knees in front of you all the time, this is the same idea.

_____________________________

"That's the plan. Rule the world. You and me. Anyday ::wink::"

(in reply to LadyMarmalade1)

Post #: 9

RE: A question from a new dom - 5/22/2008 4:37:00 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

My Sir is one of the most genuinely caring, sensitive, funny people i know, and we have a life full of laughter , cuddling, reading , computering, touching, work ..... and scening.

We aren't one dimensional, we live our lives as people - who happen to be dominant and submissive. and through it all, i am submissive, and he is dominant.
Since i was brand new, i didn't know if i could kid my Sir, or have fun or laugh at him. As time went on , i lightened up, and discovered my Sir was real. All it takes is a look, or a word for him to rein me in if i get a bit carried away, and i respect that.
Anyway - be yourself. If your sub has a genuine submissive nature she won't push you (often) past what is allowable or respectful.

(in reply to katie978)

Post #: 10

RE: A question from a new dom - 5/22/2008 4:54:43 PM

blueskyboy

Posts: 56
Joined: 4/17/2008
Status: offline

no...not weakness at all - the converse, strength to live as you feel

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 11

RE: A question from a new dom - 5/22/2008 7:49:20 PM

epiphany

Posts: 41
Joined: 12/31/2004
Status: offline

The Man is a southern gentleman. He says yes Ma'am to the waitress, hold the door for me, and opens the car door. when I get in. There is no doubt, however that his word is the final one.

Be yourself...like everyone says. The stronger you are, the more you can afford to be gentle and polite with others.

epiphany

(in reply to blueskyboy)

Post #: 12

RE: A question from a new dom - 5/22/2008 10:50:58 PM

adoracat

Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline

~~fast reply~~

the first time Daddy and i were together in person (we met here on collarme)....he impersonated the swedish chef from the muppet show to make me laugh. he has absolutely no problem being silly, tender, loving....and also being quite dominant.

TheEngineer has been saying he wishes to give me a bath. with bubbles and rubber duckies. he also has no problem with scolding me (very quietly) in public to the point i went all non-verbal with giddiness and submission, over what? over me not waiting for him to open a door for me. its VERY important to him. i am his submissive, i am also his lady.

find YOUR way of being a dominant. not anyone else's.

(in reply to epiphany)

Post #: 13

RE: A question from a new dom - 5/22/2008 11:21:47 PM

MstrssScarlet

Posts: 633
Joined: 6/3/2005
From: Indianapolis, Indiana
Status: offline

My husband is the one and only person in this world that I bottom to. With that said.....
One of his most endearing qualities is his sense of humor. We have been through some pretty tough times together and no matter what the situation, he can make me laugh. When you're laying in a hospital bed hurting or just lost a parent to cancer, that can be an incredible gift.
Mistress Scarlet

_____________________________

"Say, that hurts a little bit" "And you don't like to be hurt do ya?" "I don't know...kinda fun sometimes if it's done in the right spirit."
Jean Harlow in The Beast of the City

(in reply to adoracat)

Post #: 14

RE: A question from a new dom - 5/23/2008 12:48:27 PM

Sundowner

Posts: 2549
Joined: 3/11/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: softbutchdom

I am a new Dom and I have never been with a submissive in a 24/7 relatioship before.

I have had a play partner before but thats about it. I am a fun loving, silly and very cool person. But when it comes to the bedroom I dominate because thats how I am. It comes naturally for me.

I am kinda confused tho, do subs want a dom that is always serious and looking to punish? When it comes to control there is no question, because I am the one in control, however I definitely have a romantic streak and I wonder if subs see that as a sign of weakness?

This is a new world that has been recently been opened up to me and I want to learn and make sure I am a good dom worthy of a good sub.

Hah! I have exactly the same concerns soft. And doesn't that "I definitely have a romantic streak and I wonder if subs see that as a sign of weakness?" problem get to be annoying.

Difference is I've been into this sort of thing for around 40 years and I still haven't worked it out. Could be a). I'm very stupid, or it could be b). it's a very tough problem.

I'm voting for b).

It'll drive you up the wall soft but don't change - keep trying to get it right (only without worrying about it).

(in reply to softbutchdom)

Post #: 15

RE: A question from a new dom - 5/23/2008 2:37:05 PM

MstrssScarlet

Posts: 633
Joined: 6/3/2005
From: Indianapolis, Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: softbutchdom

I am a new Dom and I have never been with a submissive in a 24/7 relatioship before.

I have had a play partner before but thats about it. I am a fun loving, silly and very cool person. But when it comes to the bedroom I dominate because thats how I am. It comes naturally for me.

I am kinda confused tho, do subs want a dom that is always serious and looking to punish? When it comes to control there is no question, because I am the one in control, however I definitely have a romantic streak and I wonder if subs see that as a sign of weakness?

This is a new world that has been recently been opened up to me and I want to learn and make sure I am a good dom worthy of a good sub.

My husband and I are both dominants. I am always going around at every party or event and saying hello to everyone and kidding around. I warn people who get on my email list (dom or sub) that they will be barraged with all the jokes I forward. I collared my submissive because he has a great sense of humor, much like my husband's. As I've stated earlier, this is one of my husband's best traits as far as I'm concerned. Never do I consider any of these behaviors less dominant.

My husband and I joke about dom/mes who take themselves too seriously. They walk around with a sour puss all the time and feel like they have to throw their weight around every chance they get. We call them chest beaters. It's not a compliment. It means that in our eyes, they obviously don't feel confident enough in their chosen position. They have to continually prove it to themselves and everyone around them.

Don't worry about being romantic or silly when the mood strikes you. You already said it.....being dominate in the bedroom comes naturally to you. Trust your instincts and PLEEEZE don't become one of those chest beaters. We have too many of them already.

Mistress Scarlet

_____________________________

"Say, that hurts a little bit" "And you don't like to be hurt do ya?" "I don't know...kinda fun sometimes if it's done in the right spirit."
Jean Harlow in The Beast of the City

(in reply to softbutchdom)

Post #: 16

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