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How much "direction" should a Dom take from a... - 10/23/2005 5:55:47 AM

MaJolie

Posts: 3
Joined: 8/30/2005
Status: offline

Hi, As I have said before, I am pretty new to this. I've just started getting used to making requests and expecting results. I've always been self-sufficient, so having someone else do for me what i am used to doing for myself, by itself, is a new experience.
My sub is sweet and attentive and eager to serve me...but I don't know how much of his direction I should be taking in order to provide what he may need. Is it enough that he does what I ask of him? Would it be appropriate to have him tell me what he needs so that I can use this information when a "reward" is earned? He asks nothing from me.

For those of you who are subs, do you let your Mistress know what pleases you? Do you feel that your Mistress should just know how to reward you appropriately? Is any reward that your Mistress bestows on you appropriate, as long as it pleases her?

For those of you who are Doms, how important is it to You that you reward your sub? in what ways? Do you ask your sub to confide his needs to you? How much do his needs matter? Would a sub just as soon you didn't care about his needs?

Any suggestions?

Post #: 1

RE: How much "direction" should a Dom take fr... - 10/23/2005 8:45:26 AM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

I guess it depends on what you mean by direction. If you are in the beginning stages of the relationship, taking notes as to wants and desires is a good idea for future reference. Immediatly forfilling each of them ...bad. Rewards are good as long as it's not like training a puppy...pee outside =cookie, sit=cookie, shake=cookie...you get the idea.

I find that communication in the beginning can set the entire tone for a pairing. Learning what is expected of their service & what is not permitted are important. Learning what needs and desires a sub has are important too. I file this under care & feeding...if their needs aren't being fed in the form of service, protection, & structure they may not properly bond & trust that your will in all things will be there to guide them. Just a thought have you both filled out a checklist yet? I find that these can lead to interesting discussions on expectations, needs & wants.

(in reply to MaJolie)

Post #: 2

RE: How much "direction" should a Dom take fr... - 10/23/2005 9:13:00 AM

darkinshadows

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline

quote:

Is it enough that he does what I ask of him?

That is Your own personal choice.

quote:

Would it be appropriate to have him tell me what he needs so that I can use this information when a "reward" is earned? He asks nothing from me.

Again thats is your choice, however, if you desire that, there is nothing wrong in commanding that from him.

quote:

For those of you who are subs, do you let your Mistress know what pleases you?

When I am permitted.

quote:

Do you feel that your Mistress should just know how to reward you appropriately?

Whatever reward I am given, I am thankful for and blessed by. It is not my decision.

quote:

Is any reward that your Mistress bestows on you appropriate, as long as it pleases her?

Most definately.

Something to remember though, is that I am a female submissive persona. Males are very different and how a female sub/slave responds may not always be the same. I think it would be great if chris was here to respond, or lonewolf and I really hope they will be able to.

Peace and Love

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to MaJolie)

Post #: 3

RE: How much "direction" should a Dom take fr... - 10/23/2005 9:17:55 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

In my experience, submissives and slaves of both biological sexes and a variety of gender identifications have difficulty saying what they want -- seems to be a fear of being toppish or out of place or not good enough. If this is your submissive's opinion or fear you can solve it by ordering him to tell you or ordering him to write a story (usually our own interests come out in the creative process).

This is assuming you want to know. Seems like you do since you asked.

As to what you should do with the information, that depends on what you negotiated.

Personally I demand honesty and answers to all my questions, I ask a lot of question all the time. My responsibilty then is to do what I wish with that information for our mutual benefit. I negotiate to set up the Ds or owner-slave relationships I'm in this way. My slaves never expect their desires to be met but they are all thrilled when they are and I like to see happy slaves so I do things or use parts of the information fairly regularly.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to MaJolie)

Post #: 4

RE: How much "direction" should a Dom take fr... - 10/23/2005 9:51:02 AM

TexasMaam

Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline

I encourage reading. It sounds insipid but it works.

Say My sub and I have never explored interrogation scenes and I want to find out whether that sort of activity trips his trigger. I'll either find something in a work of erotic prose OR a chapter or discussion in a BDSM treatise that addresses this issue. I'll instruct My sub to read it. We discuss how he responds or reacts to it, and based on that response we will either work up to a session of interrogation, or not.

The same thing works for 'aftercare', 'flogging', 'whipping', 'baby or infantile scenes', 'wax play', 'bi sexual scenes', 'multiple penetration', 'watersports', 'sensory deprivation', 'mummification', etc.

If I haven't already written something erotic or instructive about the topic, I'll find something someone else has written about the topic and we'll discuss it.

Talk a lot, play a little, talk a lot more, play a little more. That's My Motto.

I usually alternate frequently between what I know the sub craves and wants, and an activity that I crave and enjoy.

Yes, Great Doms/Dommes always consider the sub's needs. Becoming a Superlative Dom/Domme takes time, creativity, research and passion. Work on it one step at a time.

TexasMaam

(in reply to MaJolie)

Post #: 5

RE: How much "direction" should a Dom take fr... - 10/23/2005 12:01:39 PM

LadiesBladewing

Posts: 944
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline

I don't think that a dominant individual should necessarily take "direction" from a submissive individual, however, getting information on which one can base a decision is -crucial- for the dominant partner. How the information is -used- is completely up to the dominant partner, but having accurate information is the only way that we can make -good- decisions.

Ask the submissive individual about -everything-. Find out all you can about the way that xhe thinks, feels, responds, reacts...

Reward, again, is completely up to the discretion of the dominant partner(s). And reward may be anything that makes the submissive individual feel good about hir actions. From a psychological perspective, reward works best to reinforce positive response if it is given on a random basis, while still being connected to the positive behavior that is being reinforced. Goals-based, randomly-offered rewards give the best chance for a servant to feel appreciated -and- promote effective learning of new skills or maintaining positive participation and communication. Balancing discipline (training) and reward is crucial, but it can't be decided from outside. The dominant individual, while in a given situation, is the only one who can decide whether the particular situation warrents a reward, and what reward is appropriate.

For me, I expect a servant will respond to my direction, take initiative, and be forthright about hir needs, so that I can do my part in managing this life that I have taken responsibility for. There are few things that bother me more than having to make decisions on insufficient or inaccurate information.

Lady Zephyr

< Message edited by LadiesBladewing -- 10/23/2005 12:07:32 PM >

(in reply to MaJolie)

Post #: 6

RE: How much "direction" should a Dom take fr... - 10/23/2005 1:50:29 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

My sub is sweet and attentive and eager to serve me...but I don't know how much of his direction I should be taking in order to provide what he may need. Is it enough that he does what I ask of him? Would it be appropriate to have him tell me what he needs so that I can use this information when a "reward" is earned? He asks nothing from me.

I can sympathise with this dilemma of yours since I am fairly new myself, and was completely overwhelmed with the thought of "what do I do with him now?"
I have begun to approach it as any other relationship, in that I am interested to know what is on his mind and heart, and want to know what works for him sexually; so I ask directly or order the info out of him. I am very interested in knowing what pleases my sub/slave, because I am considerate and nurturing, and frankly want to know what to withold if he stops being kind, servile, sweet and generous.

quote:

For those of you who are Doms, how important is it to You that you reward your sub? in what ways? Do you ask your sub to confide his needs to you? How much do his needs matter? Would a sub just as soon you didn't care about his needs?

A sub's needs matter to me as much as mine; we will agree that mine are to be addressed first, or we will at least ask me in what order things should be addressed. I would hope my sub would confide his needs and wants with me. For me and mine, I will absolutely tend to his needs/desires, as long as I am convinced I am his first priority, and his service/obedience to me was his primary goal.
I don't believe it is possible to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship when concern/care is only shown in one direction, as I feel most humans need nurturing (no matter how many times I read "please Goddess, treat me like a lowly worthless animal and make me happy").
I hope this helps some, and welcome to the boards. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to MaJolie)

Post #: 7

RE: How much "direction" should a Dom take fr... - 10/23/2005 2:38:19 PM

Delvin

Posts: 151
Joined: 8/23/2005
From: Texas
Status: offline

We each train and grow with our slaves in different ways, but some things, like what you have mentioned seems to be somewhat a normal core of emotions and responses.

quote:

He asks nothing from me.

Ultimately you have the control of your slave to either be happy or not. What they may or may not ask for is strictly up to the Master who owns them. Some Masters require their slave to beg for something they may want, others ask politely while others simply refuse their slaves to ask for anything. It is the "thing" that is important to me, what the slave is asking for. If star needs to pee, she usually has that crooked smile and I can tell what it is she needs, but if star wanted lets say new clothes, that is something that comes up from My conversation about clothes, not her asking for new clothes. Question and answer period.

quote:

For those of you who are Doms, how important is it to You that you reward your sub? in what ways?

I find rewarding my slave is reward for myself as well. Something small like that special candy bar she loves and isn't expecting to words of encouragement. A simple "good girl" goes along way sometimes. A happy slave is a good slave in this house.

quote:

Do you ask your sub to confide his needs to you? How much do his needs matter?

Of course. This was done at the begining where we went through weeks of determining what it is she needed to be, feel and live as a slave. I will still at the end of each month sit and open the discussion up on past training, experiences and wants and needs. It is MY job to always know what my slave needs, from again something simple like new clothes to doctor visits and work. Sitting her down and asking if there is something that she could need or want may brake some rule in the Master's Handbook, but its fine to do in this house.

quote:

Would a sub just as soon you didn't care about his needs?

This I wouldn't know. I would suspect no is the answer. Afterall, slaves are human too.
You are in charge of your house ! How you conduct your house from day to day WILL matter to your slave. Their needs and wants can be taken care of if you learn your slave and simply do not "expect" them to mind read your desires.

With time, some things will become easy, while others will always be in the forefront and will need constant attention from You.

Bottom line... are YOU happy ?

D

(in reply to MaJolie)

Post #: 8

RE: How much "direction" should a Dom take fr... - 10/23/2005 7:01:16 PM

Misstoyou

Posts: 1149
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadiesBladewing

I don't think that a dominant individual should necessarily take "direction" from a submissive individual, however, getting information on which one can base a decision is -crucial- for the dominant partner. How the information is -used- is completely up to the dominant partner, but having accurate information is the only way that we can make -good- decisions.

I agree with this as well. *Everything* about my sub from his first childhood memories to the present is open to discussion with me. I'm want to know both his conscious and subconscious (he has to keep a dream journal for me, for example.)

Now that he's collared, I'm interested in his fantasies as well, not so much to use as a reward, (I expect appropriate behavior and obedience from him) but as a treat, if he catches me in an indulgent mood.

_____________________________

~ Miss Marie

a.k.a. "mean Lady"

(in reply to LadiesBladewing)

Post #: 9

RE: How much "direction" should a Dom take fr... - 10/23/2005 8:38:18 PM

lonewolf05

Posts: 830
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline

1st!
direction from a sub? where i come from, granddaddy told ME ---NO ONE knows it ALL. so if ANY dominant feels they NEVER have to take any guidance from subs...is a damned fool!
NO ONE can know everything. and even a 5 year old may teach an adult something they do not know from time to time.
'lestwise where i come from anywho...k?
-------
2nd

"For those of you who are subs, do you let your Mistress know what pleases you? Do you feel that your Mistress should just know how to reward you appropriately? Is any reward that your Mistress bestows on you appropriate, as long as it pleases her?"
=
pleases Her? hmm. it depends, doesn't it? what pleases one won't satisfy the next one.
but that isn't the q is it? yeah. i talk to Her. a LOT! probably TOO damned much at times.
how is ANY mistress or male dom going to know it all? i may say monday i like such n such and get a wild hair caught cross-ways and on tuesday decide i want something else.
ANY reward? hell if "I" know,..since "I" do not GET rewards BECAUSE of my service...per se. i only have a few little tiny "ya been pretty good so you can have a little more computer time tonight" thingy.
there is NO sex.........there is NO romance.........there is NO "personal" connection. "I" can just as well pack what little i have back in my van and go to someone else tomorrow if the mood struck me....
"I" am NOT personally involved with ANY human on this planet. "I" am THEE rock......THEE island.
but yeah--------i am also THEE exception...i know that.
so all in all..........YES! doms AND dommes should ALL take ideas from underlings. as to how much? it SHOULD make a difference during inter-personal daily meetings........if only idle chatter when you are getting your coffee handed to ya..........
every One should be able to be adult enough to STAY in control enough to KNOW by commonsense reasoning how much is needed.............."I" would gamble on it.
i know if MY Mistress wasn't enough adult to know i am NOT staying here......i talk ALL the time to Her. mainly merely adult level vanilla style over coffee or side by side cooking or whatever........in day to day.
bad enough "I" am older than Her OR Her hubby.......but we ain't gonna open THAT can right now.
have a good one, huh?

whooooooooooooooooo

the wolf on the hunt tonight............

_____________________________

"there is no gravity, life sucks!"

(in reply to MaJolie)

Post #: 10

RE: How much "direction" should a Dom take fr... - 10/24/2005 5:58:22 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MaJolie
For those of you who are subs, do you let your Mistress know what pleases you?

Yes.

quote:

Do you feel that your Mistress should just know how to reward you appropriately?

No, telepathy isn't something we assume.

quote:

Is any reward that your Mistress bestows on you appropriate, as long as it pleases her?

Appropriate yes. That doesn't necessarily mean it has the desired effect (ie no one is perfect)

This is a relationship between two people. Yes, you have ultimate authority and that should be expected to be adhered to without haggling or stress or struggles (beyond the normal growing pains). However, as two people trying to form a relationship together, it requires communication and experimentation.

Don't be obsessed with "being right" and "being dominant."

(in reply to MaJolie)

Post #: 11

RE: How much "direction" should a Dom take fr... - 10/24/2005 7:16:17 AM

MaJolie

Posts: 3
Joined: 8/30/2005
Status: offline

I truly appreciate your imput. I like the idea of a journal. It would serve a dual purpose. He likes to write, so I'd be giving him a reward, and I would be able to better understand his mind and use that information.

(in reply to MaJolie)

Post #: 12

RE: How much "direction" should a Dom take fr... - 10/25/2005 11:08:12 PM

OscarHargraves

Posts: 693
Joined: 8/9/2005
Status: offline

Communication is always good. By whatever means you decide on you should definitely encourage some means of communication. Don't 'ass-u-me' anything. Be sure that both of you can grow in this relationship and find the best parts of it to nurture.

_____________________________

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly ! !

(in reply to MaJolie)

Post #: 13

RE: How much "direction" should a Dom take fr... - 10/26/2005 4:49:58 AM

sunshine333

Posts: 203
Joined: 8/16/2005
Status: offline

i am so appreciative and have so much respect for the dominants that post questions on these boards stating that they are new and need guidance. it is a very admirable quality for anyone in a position of authority to say "i don't know."

my opinion is this: there should be a balance between finding out the needs of your submissive and indulging him/her while at the same time not wavering from your position of power. i don't think any submissive wants to feel that they are topping or that their owner is not in control. i agree with TammyJo in how difficult it is for subs to state their needs. don't get me wrong. when i need chocolate .. i will say so! but other needs ... i hesitate or supress. this may or may not be a good quality, however, my point is that i think it's typical and something to be aware of.

humbly,
sunshine

(in reply to MaJolie)

Post #: 14

RE: How much "direction" should a Dom take fr... - 10/27/2005 10:10:52 PM

Lordvinister611

Posts: 2
Joined: 10/13/2005
Status: offline

Speaking only for my self,things I have learned in the past are,Communication,IT'S not what they are saying,its what they are not saying,by their eyes,mannerisms,body language.I always listen to what they are saying,take it into consideration and sometimes give it back to them as a question.Love and Surrender.

(in reply to sunshine333)

Post #: 15

RE: How much "direction" should a Dom take fr... - 10/28/2005 6:54:09 AM

Oumae

Posts: 911
Joined: 1/4/2005
Status: offline

I don't take it as direction... I see it as open communication which to me is very important and at the end of the day it is my choice if and when I will allow them something.

I find it works best if both are fulfilled... like BlktallFullfig, I am a caring nurturing type Domme so it is the way that works best for me.

Oumae

_____________________________

Is cuma le fear na mbrog ca leagann se a chos.
( The man with the boots does not mind where he places his foot)

(in reply to MaJolie)

Post #: 16

RE: How much "direction" should a Dom take fr... - 10/28/2005 4:35:07 PM

SinPar

Posts: 2
Joined: 3/9/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MaJolie

For those of you who are Doms, how important is it to You that you reward your sub? in what ways? Do you ask your sub to confide his needs to you? How much do his needs matter? Would a sub just as soon you didn't care about his needs?

Any suggestions?

I don't work on a reward system at all and my girl's happiness and well being are very important. If she's not *there* for herself, how could I expect her to be on form for me? I tend to shy away from people that are too needy or dependent, though, because that's not energy that I need in my life. I want my submissive there to serve me but I also want her to have her own, reasonably functional, life. If the vanilla tasks in life aren't met then the kink just does not thrive.

To me a good D/s relationship is synergistic (we are better together than either one of us alone). My style of dominance is more Sadist/Coach than Sadist/Autocrat. Selecting the person to be your submissive means first deciding what it is *you* want in a relationship then looking for a person that can go along with your boundaries and you theirs. I depend on my girl to look out for my welfare as much as I do hers and I am always open to discussion and suggestions. The end decision about what gets done remains mine, however.

My $.02

SinPar

(in reply to MaJolie)

Post #: 17

RE: How much "direction" should a Dom take fr... - 10/28/2005 10:10:21 PM

Morgaine289

Posts: 57
Joined: 7/1/2005
Status: offline

As much as is necessary to reach the desired goal/destination, seriously.

_____________________________

Der Pinsel ist das Schwert
des Geistes

das die Weite des Papieres füllt.

DragonOfTheDawn / 19/07/2003

(in reply to MaJolie)

Post #: 18

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