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ElanSubdued -> RE: Why won't she play anymore? (5/24/2008 1:11:20 PM)
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VTBoy,
Perhaps my thoughts will come across abruptly and I apologize if they do. It's also possible that my answer won't be popular. At any rate, here is my answer to your OP.
Only your Domina can answer your question. Ask her. If she doesn't give an answer that you're comfortable with, consider whether your needs are being met. Are you willing to continue the relationship as-is? If not, break up with her and find someone who wants the same things you do.
I'll also answer your question by asking a question. Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't desire you the way you need to be desired, someone who says one thing and does another (and is hence unreliable), and someone who continually bombards you with excuses? You may be willing to live this way, but I can assure you that many would not be happy in this situation.
It's possible that your Domina is simply going through a difficult period in her life. Thus, I encourage you to communicate, to find out what is going on, and, if appropriate, to be supportive. For example, if your Domina's mother just died, it's not likely she'll be thinking about sex or play, and it's also possible that her feelings of bereavement may last a while. Whatever the situation, only the two of you can decide whether it's possible to continue your fledgling, burgeoning, and now somewhat misfiring relationship. Either of you, for whatever reasons, may decide not to continue.
It is often the case in BDSM that submissives are branded as badly behaved and undesirable if they express needs of their own. Now it's true that expressing your needs in an inappropriate, disrespectful way isn't desirable. However, you don't need to feel bad or guilty when you express your needs in a respectful, loving way. When you do this, you're helping your Domina because she isn't a mind reader. Likewise, if your needs aren't being met, it is important to communicate this in an appropriate, respectful way. I don't know any Dominas who don't want to see their submissive(s) happy and fulfilled. By communicating your needs and likes appropriately, you help your Domina by giving her tools to do just this.
If there's one thing I know about relationships, it's that communication and follow-through are essential, for all partners involved. Neglect, inaction, lackadaisical behavior, and non-communication are killers for face-to-face relationships and they are especially so for long distance ones. Whether owner/master, dominant, top, switch, bottom, submissive, or slave, kinky folk are just people underneath. We all have our strong points and failings, and your Domina isn't exempt. Thus, as I did above, I suggest respectfully communicating your concerns to your Domina. Based on how the two of you feel about things, you can decide whether to continue the relationship.
In a longer established relationship, I'm inclined to think that ebbs and flows of desire aren't necessarily an indication of incompatibility. However, in a relationship as new as yours, I encourage you to examine this with a more careful eye to compatibility. From the OP, it seems your Domina isn't following through on her word, exhibits a lack of desire for you, and also has expressed interest in taking on another boy. I'm not sure what the dynamics of your relationship are, but you referred to her as your girlfriend. If the nature of your relationship is fairly monogamous (and even if it isn't), her behaviour may well indicate that she isn't as interested in you as you are in her. In other words, she may well not be "the one".
joyinslavery encouraged you to communicate with your Domina and to listen to your inner voice. I think this is excellent advice. Ultimately, you are your own best gauge of what is happening in the relationship and of what fulfills you. I've sometimes ignored my own misgivings about a relationship and have later almost always found that my inner voice was entirely correct.
khem gave excellent, contrasting perspective from a Domina's side of things. As she suggested, on your end, it's wise to consider how you're treating your Domina. Do you still romance her? Are you always reliable and do you follow through on your word? Do you seduce her dominance? I love the expression "seduce her dominance" because it so accurately mirrors the dance between BDSM partners. In my opinion, a more accurate way to describe this dance is to ask do you seduce each other? Do you show your Domina that you are committed to her and to the relationship? Are there any issues between the two of you or individual issues that are effecting your Domina's desire for you? If you know of issues like this, these are the things I'd work on before expecting play and sex to get better / become more frequent.
To close this off, I'll end with the following thought. Just as with face-to-face relationships, long distance relationships sometimes flourish and other times fizzle. Ultimately, based on what you know of your relationship, you'll have to decide what approach is best to take. It may be that this is salvageable, however, the relationship might well be over already. Keep an open mind, communicate, be understanding and supportive of your Domina but at the same time recognize that both your needs must be met for the relationship to remain healthy, and use your inner voice to guide you.
Good luck,
Elan.
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