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In The Beginning - 5/26/2008 5:49:15 AM

VanityCrush

Posts: 1
Joined: 5/17/2008
Status: offline

In the beginning of a new submissive's training, how many chances should they get to make up for their mistakes?

I've taken under consideration someone that I had played with before but things did not work out. We've decided to start again.

His first assignment was to compose a letter detailing his limits, what he would like to accomplish through training, why he wants to be my submissive, and his commitment to honesty in this endeavor. He was given an acceptable amount of time to complete this, then a time extension, and when I expected to see it in my inbox this morning, it remained empty.

Right now, I'm ready to just say "Forget it" because this seems like something that could be easily accomplished. How many chances do you give your new submissives before letting them go?

Post #: 1

RE: In The Beginning - 5/26/2008 6:03:50 AM

MladyHathor

Posts: 510
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline

I can relate to this on so many levels--I don't mess around anymore--two chances and boom there is the door--I had three boys in the past that I kept giving chances to--and the pattern was always the same--for Me, nope you get it and get it quickly or I'm not wasting My time---I wish you luck as these decisions are not easy.

_____________________________

The Mistress Hathor, always and forever, much to the disdain and discomfort of others.

(in reply to VanityCrush)

Post #: 2

RE: In The Beginning - 5/26/2008 6:15:07 AM

MzticStormz

Posts: 59
Joined: 3/19/2005
Status: offline

I tend to agree with MladyHathor on this one. 2 chances.. and even with the first one he had better have a real reason why it was not done. Assignments tend to weed out those that are just looking for a source to get a quick fix for couriosity. Someone that is serious and wishes to please you, (not just himself) would not find the assignment you speak of as any problem what so ever.

Mz Stormz

(in reply to VanityCrush)

Post #: 3

RE: In The Beginning - 5/26/2008 6:18:41 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

You know, I'm a bitch sometimes but I wouldn't even give an extension on an assignment like that.

Let's face it, most dom women get dozens of emails a week or month, some more if your picture is sexy or conventionally pretty. That means we can be picky.

Plus if you set up an order and don't stick to it, the message you are sending is that you aren't a very strong dominant. The time for a potential or a trainee to ask for more time is at the time the assignment is given. After that it is his/her job to fulfill said task not to be slow, not to ask for changes, and not to simply ignore said order.

The moment he started doing those things, I'd see it as a very clear signal that he really isn't interested in either you or the work required to make a Ds dynamic function well.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to VanityCrush)

Post #: 4

RE: In The Beginning - 5/26/2008 7:30:35 AM

MsStarlett

Posts: 1879
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline

I'm with TammyJo on this one. It's not like you told him to do anything difficult. Just WRITE! If he can't find time to do that... move on to the next one.

I keep a lot of internet toys... so the boys have to learn to do things for themselves. I don't have the time or energy to check up on them or chastise them for being bratty. I've told a couple to pick things up at the store... like clothes pins or a choke chain. If they start giving me grief about 'Not being able to find that' I know they are just lazy and don't really want to play. Ignore & Block is the cruelest punishment available to me. I use it.

_____________________________

It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 5

RE: In The Beginning - 5/26/2008 7:50:53 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

Me three on this one.... It's pretty rare that I even give a second chance these days. It's hard to walk away, but you have to be true to yourself, and back up your own orders, or else who's really in charge?

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to MsStarlett)

Post #: 6

RE: In The Beginning - 5/26/2008 9:46:06 AM

pixelslave

Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline

Does the sub have difficulty with writing? Some people do. If not, then I'd agree with the rest of the ladies.

Clearly he's not making you a priority in his life or else he doesn't know himself well enough to provide the answers to your questions. If he doesn't know those answers, then he needs to at least be honest enough to put that down in writing and give you some idea of what he thinks the answers might be, then ask for your help in discovering what the answers really are (especially in regard to limits & training). If he doesn't know the answer to why he wants to be YOUR submissive, then pffft! Where's the closest dumpster?

- pixel

_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 7

RE: In The Beginning - 5/26/2008 9:54:57 AM

rubberpet

Posts: 1743
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: The Land of Voodoo
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pixelslave

Does the sub have difficulty with writing? Some people do. If not, then I'd agree with the rest of the ladies.

Clearly he's not making you a priority in his life or else he doesn't know himself well enough to provide the answers to your questions. If he doesn't know those answers, then he needs to at least be honest enough to put that down in writing and give you some idea of what he thinks the answers might be, then ask for your help in discovering what the answers really are (especially in regard to limits & training). If he doesn't know the answer to why he wants to be YOUR submissive, then pffft! Where's the closest dumpster?

- pixel

Well said, pixel.

When I was searching for the domme of my dreams, I made sure that I put forth every effort possible to show Mistress that She was important to me. That meant taking time away from things I enjoy in my free time to use on Her. If there was a time I couldn't do something for Her, I made sure to let Her know in advance. She is very understanding, so I knew I was OK.

I'm sure if he had let you know in advance (with a legitimate explanation, of course) that there would be some difficulty accomplishing the given task or meeting the initial deadline, you would have been more than understanding, especially since you've decided to give him another chance at things.

My initial reaction is toss his ass to the curb with the other timewasters. You know him better than we do here, so you know what's going on with him. From a subby who not only put forth the effort for his domme, but one who succeeded with that course of action, I say dump him and find someone who will put forth the effort for you.

_____________________________

Collared and devoted property of Mistress Lorelei (vampchick88) as of 3/26/08.

Rubberpet - The Resident Anti-Subby and mysterious shadowy figure known as Voodoo, proud hitman and wiseguy for the Subby Mafia.

(in reply to pixelslave)

Post #: 8

RE: In The Beginning - 5/26/2008 10:28:07 AM

MySweetSubmssive

Posts: 1139
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline

I will join the chorus. People are often on their *best* behavior when they first meet, so this is likely the most you are going to get from him.

My *only* caveat is about getting agreement. I've had encounters in the past where I've asked for this kind of information, had the deadline go past, gotten pissed and then been told that the person had other life commitments that were competing. Bad on me. Now what I do is to state what I want and then ask the submissive if he can complete the task by that time and if he will agree to do it. This sets expectations and limitations clearly, but also puts the responsibility for following through clearly on him. If he agrees to something and then doesn't do it ... (shrugging) ... that's clear enough.

While it's frustrating, at least this person has declared himself early on and you can let things go.

Mss

_____________________________

"Oh, James, you're such a cunning linguist."

--Miss Moneypenny

(in reply to rubberpet)

Post #: 9

RE: In The Beginning - 5/26/2008 10:33:38 AM

RumpusParable

Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: VanityCrush

In the beginning of a new submissive's training, how many chances should they get to make up for their mistakes?

I've taken under consideration someone that I had played with before but things did not work out. We've decided to start again.

His first assignment was to compose a letter detailing his limits, what he would like to accomplish through training, why he wants to be my submissive, and his commitment to honesty in this endeavor. He was given an acceptable amount of time to complete this, then a time extension, and when I expected to see it in my inbox this morning, it remained empty.

Right now, I'm ready to just say "Forget it" because this seems like something that could be easily accomplished. How many chances do you give your new submissives before letting them go?

To the general question, it depends on the task or behavior change and it's difficulty level. I tend to be a hardass, admittedly, and most times it's a 2 reminder limit on minor things. If it's something harder or more involved in nature, then that is taken into consideration as we work on it.

To your specific assignment situation here, I'd say you gave too difficult an assignment for a starter. Personally, I would have broken this down into more than one assignment... you're asking for a huge amount of information and inner thought all wrapped up in one paper. For what I'd expect an acceptable answer to all of that at once would end up being a good 10-15 pages of text.

So you might have just overwhelmed him with too much.

That said, if that was the case I'd still expect him to be able to communicate that to you... ask to have it in a series of assignments, for clarification on how much detail you're looking for, simply state that that's way too much for him to start with, whatever, instead of just not doing it/handing it in. Has he talked to you at all about the reasons why it's not been finished or his concerns about doing it?

_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

Minimal summary: Artist, Disabled Veteran, Vegan, Pornographer, and Agender dominant female.

(in reply to VanityCrush)

Post #: 10

RE: In The Beginning - 5/26/2008 11:05:36 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

While I'm inclined to agree with you and leave it, some people struggle with the written word. So, you have to decide if it was the content or the writing that was more important to you. If the former, find another way for them to submit the info...perhaps an audio recording. If it was the latter, he's most likely not a match for you since he didn't get the assignment completed.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to VanityCrush)

Post #: 11

RE: In The Beginning - 5/26/2008 11:31:17 AM

littlesarbonn

Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline

I know this doesn't address your questions specifically, but it just brought something to mind that has continued to fascinate me. I've been approached by a few women completely out of the blue on CM, and usually it's something along the lines of "I'd like to get to know you better" and I reciprocrate (keeping in mind that I know absolutely NOTHING about them other than what they've put in their profile, if there's anything in their profile at all). I can't tell you how many times within a few emails back and forth I get the question: "So, why do you want to be my slave/submissive?" and I have no idea how to answer it because as I said, I know absolutely NOTHING about her. So, I try to politely indicate that I would need to know more about her before I could really answer that question, and it doesn't matter how many different ways I've worded that statement, that's the last I hear from her.

_____________________________

<---- FYI, this picture looks JUST like me

http://www.littlesarbonn.com/Stickman/Stickman.htm
The Adventures of Stickman and the Unemployed Lego Spaceman

(in reply to VanityCrush)

Post #: 12

RE: In The Beginning - 5/26/2008 12:09:03 PM

dragon2760

Posts: 114
Joined: 5/8/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn

"So, why do you want to be my slave/submissive?"

Yea i remember my Mistress asking me that the first time we meet and the only answer i could give Her at the time was that it was my desire to serve her for her pleasure. I guess that was good enough because i am now serving her.

As far as the assignment of the OP i agree that maybe it should have been broken down some. That still though does not excuse the fact that they have not responded at all. i know for me sometimes putting into written word how i really feel can be hard. Hell even posting on these forums is tough i don't know sometimes if i am getting accross what i am intending to say. i know ppl will say just write what you are thinking but my mind doesn't work that way. Just my respectfully sudmitted opinion.

< Message edited by dragon2760 -- 5/26/2008 12:14:14 PM >

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 13

RE: In The Beginning - 5/26/2008 1:36:27 PM

MsStarlett

Posts: 1879
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline

True, some people just don't write well. I've given some writing assignments similar to what was described. Some do amazingly well, others obviously struggled, while one seemed to just hack out what he expected me to want to hear. I would rather get a short report that seemed difficult than some rote rot that looks like it was C&P'd from Wiki.

_____________________________

It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

(in reply to dragon2760)

Post #: 14

RE: In The Beginning - 5/26/2008 5:09:11 PM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

Personally.. I've gone through similar situations.. recently.. online and off.. honestly, if someone is interested, you'd find that mail in your mail box...

bag it.. move on... eventually... the right one will be there...

*Madame4a with wine on board and totally ... skeptical and a serious leather curmudgeon*

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to VanityCrush)

Post #: 15

RE: In The Beginning - 5/26/2008 5:16:41 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

I give 2 chances, and only 2. If this is someone you didnt work out with once already, and he couldnt or didnt complete the assignment you gave him... that soudns like 2 resounding strikes to me. Even if it isnt exactly what you wanted, there should have at LEAST been an attempt in your mailbox on time. Maybe I am unreasonable, but if you tell me you can write something for me then having difficulty with the written word isnt an option as an excuse. You should have thought of that when I told you what your assignment was. When I told Angel I wanted pictures when we were still online, the first thing he told me was that time would be a problem since his roommate was not predictably away when he didnt have classes and he wasnt sure when he might find the time. From the moment he knew he had an assignment, I got updates as to when he thought he would be able to get it to me, never excuses. Since you did not say your prospect mentioned any sort of reason he might not be able to get things done, Id say he is eitehr trying to see how far he can push you and testing you, or he is disinterested. Either is an unapealling possibility, so Id be gone.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to Madame4a)

Post #: 16

RE: In The Beginning - 5/26/2008 11:01:00 PM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: VanityCrush

In the beginning of a new submissive's training, how many chances should they get to make up for their mistakes?

To submit is a free choise,
either they want to work for it,
or they don't.

This is the best way to rule out wankers,
who don't want to work, but just there for
their own pleasure.

It's a good screening test.

If they're a true sub,
they will do it without asking once more!

Only those r hard to find.

I wish you enough.

GoddezzT`

_____________________________

~* The only disability in life is a bad attitude. ~Scott Hamilton*~

~*Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran*~

(in reply to VanityCrush)

Post #: 17

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