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cofussed need some help - 5/26/2008 1:49:17 PM

MBear

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/1/2006
Status: offline

my sub and I have been together 12 years and don't play all the time some times we were none stop some times won't do anything for a couple months we have 3 littles and life gets crazy . But about two years ago shit went realy bad in me and thought she cheated and I was wrong but it made some real problemes and I keep being an ass hole for a long time.know she has no intrest in being a sub and feels I have no right for her to submit to me and feels more like she want's to dom wich in some aspect I don't mind becuase I feel more like a switch and many times asked her to dom and she would not but I still want to dom but feel I lost all chances to do so by what I did. I am still a very dominet person but I am married to her I fell like I am stuck in a very hard place. any help would be great.

thanks

Post #: 1

RE: cofussed need some help - 5/26/2008 2:19:49 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

Perhapes since you both want to do things that you can't with each other, you both need to talk about finding someones for each of you to play with. I would think you need to be very specific about what you can and can't do with said outsider ie. intercourse/no intercourse, orgasm/no orgasm.
since you both want to play - one could watch the kids while the other plays, and vica versa.

It could be a real win-win situation for both of you, but you will both have to talk a lot.

(in reply to MBear)

Post #: 2

RE: cofussed need some help - 5/26/2008 2:32:00 PM

MladyHathor

Posts: 510
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline

Get a babysitter, pack a picnic lunch and go somewhere and talk--agree that the rules are open/honest and no offense taken and sort through this--start with vanilla, then move to D/s--write it down--go home let a few days passs then when back in your environment--in bed one night, review what you wrote---what still feels good--start and try, what doesn't put away till later.

_____________________________

The Mistress Hathor, always and forever, much to the disdain and discomfort of others.

(in reply to MBear)

Post #: 3

RE: cofussed need some help - 5/26/2008 2:42:59 PM

Bound2One

Posts: 614
Joined: 1/11/2008
Status: offline

Great post, MladyHathor. OP, you need to reconnect and re-establish honest, sincere communication so you can move forward from here.

(in reply to MladyHathor)

Post #: 4

RE: cofussed need some help - 5/26/2008 2:48:58 PM

lusciouslips19

Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline

You need to do the things you did to win her heart in the first place. All over again. Court her.

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to Bound2One)

Post #: 5

RE: cofussed need some help - 5/26/2008 2:50:48 PM

TysGalilah

Posts: 589
Joined: 11/21/2007
Status: offline

perhaps......role dynamics ( and preferences ) aside right now.

Work on the basic trust and emotional intimacy together as partners and companions. If you feel you were an asshole for a while, spend some serious time and effort showing her you have changed. Sounds like she has "lost" something in this whole situation ( maybe trust ? )
communicate
with her about that, listen and then address that first. It may not ever bring back the ds dynamic you "wish", but some things change for a reason : ) go with the flow and see where it leads you both.

_____________________________

galilah

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to MBear)

Post #: 6

RE: cofussed need some help - 5/26/2008 3:01:11 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

It sounds like she lost respect for you and might feel that you didn't handle some things she expected you to handle. Therefore she had to step up, bury her submissive side and do what she thought you should do. Now she can't be submissive to you because she doesn't trust you. Accusing someone of cheating and being an a hole damages a lot and sometimes depending on the situation, comes from a place within the jealous one that might need some attention. When you accused, I'm sure she denied and tried to explain and you didn't trust her and continued to think she was wrong and seemingly from your post, punished her.

It sounds like you have a lot to make up for and prove. All the answers to your post are things you may need to do, but I would start with a good self examination on the hows, whys and results and bear your soul in a way she will view as responsible. Now isn't the time for defining roles, but for healing and growth. You can't go back, but you can sure move forward and I hope you do. Once we are damaged in ways where we lose trust, it can be a long road to recovery. Her guard is up and force or insistance isn't the way to go. You both have a lot of emotional homework to do for self and then with one another. Get to the root of it all and start there. Good luck...

(in reply to lusciouslips19)

Post #: 7

RE: cofussed need some help - 5/26/2008 3:54:45 PM

uliveonce

Posts: 16
Joined: 5/8/2008
Status: offline

The role of Dominant is not an easy one. Jealousy is a very difficult emotion to handle and for those who are easily swayed by its green head, the damage to the relationship can be devastating. In a former relationship, my sub had huge jealousy issues. So much so that she would try topping from the bottom in this regard. I am a gentleman and a polite person, not bad looking either and I worked as a Chef (read as weird hours). In her mind, these all added up to about one affair a week for me. I WISH.

In the end, I just packed up and moved out. There was no dealing with her, there is no way to prove that you didn't do something. That was 6 or 7 years ago and she is still in contact with me. She feels horrible about what a butthead she was and she KNOWS that she ruined something good.

I told you that, so I could tell you this. There was at least a 2 year window, where she could have gotten help, where she could have made amends, could have apologized and changed her behavior patterns. But eventually all the discipline in the world didn't effect her, so self discipline, on my part did. I left.

You are still (hopefully) in the window stage. Sit yourself down and weigh the pros and cons. Figure out what you are willing to do to make amends, what you can do to right the situation, what you can do to overcome the anger and damage to the relationship. Decide what it will cost you to do them and if you are willing to pay that price. Then approach her and suggest that you two have a honest, direct, calm discussion about ALL the issues and see where she stands and tell her where you stand. Once everything is out in the open you can actually talk. Realize that it may take a few discussions to get through the anger stage and to the calm stage.

But trust is something that a Dom can't afford to lose. Without trust, there should never be submission. Good luck.

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 8

RE: cofussed need some help - 5/26/2008 4:02:03 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

You are still (hopefully) in the window stage. Sit yourself down and weigh the pros and cons. Figure out what you are willing to do to make amends, what you can do to right the situation, what you can do to overcome the anger and damage to the relationship. Decide what it will cost you to do them and if you are willing to pay that price. Then approach her and suggest that you two have a honest, direct, calm discussion about ALL the issues and see where she stands and tell her where you stand. Once everything is out in the open you can actually talk. Realize that it may take a few discussions to get through the anger stage and to the calm stage.

But trust is something that a Dom can't afford to lose. Without trust, there should never be submission. Good luck.

Apologies and forgiveness go a long ways.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to uliveonce)

Post #: 9

RE: cofussed need some help - 5/26/2008 4:33:44 PM

Quivver

Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

You are doing a lot of assuming when you say "I think".
So you were an Ass. Get over it.
You need to re-open the lines of communication.
I'd suggest a bit of humility, that doesnt take away from your Dominance at all.
Life evolves and you either move with it or it moves without you.
Seems to me your in a transition stage.

I wish you all the best..............

quote:

ORIGINAL: MBear

my sub and I have been together 12 years and don't play all the time some times we were none stop some times won't do anything for a couple months we have 3 littles and life gets crazy . But about two years ago shit went realy bad in me and thought she cheated and I was wrong but it made some real problemes and I keep being an ass hole for a long time.know she has no intrest in being a sub and feels I have no right for her to submit to me and feels more like she want's to dom wich in some aspect I don't mind becuase I feel more like a switch and many times asked her to dom and she would not but I still want to dom but feel I lost all chances to do so by what I did. I am still a very dominet person but I am married to her I fell like I am stuck in a very hard place. any help would be great.

thanks

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to MBear)

Post #: 10

RE: cofussed need some help - 5/27/2008 2:55:24 AM

MBear

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/1/2006
Status: offline

thank you all for all the great advice things have been slowly getting better for a couple months. Alot of what you all said has made me look at things alittle differant. I guess I didn't see how the green monster made things so bad for her and know I see the other side and that I have a lot of work I love her with all my heart and will do any thing I can to fix us.

thank you all for helping me see that side better some times you just need some friends that are not so involed

THANK YOU

(in reply to Quivver)

Post #: 11

RE: cofussed need some help - 5/27/2008 3:56:30 AM

dragon2760

Posts: 114
Joined: 5/8/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MBear

I love her with all my heart and will do any thing I can to fix us.

Have you told her that recently. In all things relational communications is the key. Personally i would not view you as being any less of a Dom if you were to get down on your knee and tell her this. Actually i would see you as more of a man who has learned from his mistake. She is your wife and mother to your children above all. Good luck.

(in reply to MBear)

Post #: 12

RE: cofussed need some help - 5/27/2008 8:11:27 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

You broke the trust she had in you by accusing her of things. You need to put play on the side and work on rebuilding the marriage. Figure out why you believed she was cheating. Were you cheating or wanting to, and chose instead to blame her for your own actions/feelings? Because until you both understand what was happening, you can't get beyond it.

Marriage counseling.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to dragon2760)

Post #: 13

RE: cofussed need some help - 5/27/2008 6:45:06 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

You need to deal with at least two issues, maybe three.

1. You accused her falsely and hurt her. While this is really bad, it will not kill the relationship if both of you want it to work.

Get her by herself when the kids are not there, and tell her bluntly that you screwed up, and you know you hurt her. Tell her that you're really sorry. You want to know what you can do to make her hurt heal somewhat. Give her some say/responsibility in getting the relationship back on track.

2. The D/s aspect is gone. That will come back after the relationship gets back on track, and not before.

3. You may want to bottom to her. Or then, again, maybe this is some way you think you can make it up to her. Frankly, I can't tell. If it is a genuine need for you, wait till the relationship is more solid, then bring it up and ask her if she has any suggestions on filling your need.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 14

RE: cofussed need some help - 5/30/2008 2:40:27 AM

MBear

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/1/2006
Status: offline

I just want to thank you all so much for all the great help. All of you were great and very understanding I can't thank you enough .

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 15

RE: cofussed need some help - 5/30/2008 7:12:09 AM

bearsjade

Posts: 2
Joined: 5/30/2008
Status: offline

greetings all, i am jade, Bear's lil' girl. i wanted to thank you all for the advise you gave to Bear. i came clean with him last night. i wrote in our journal and explained how i was truely feeling on the inside. exposing myself and my negitive feelings. i hadnt done it befor becouse i did not want to be hurtful or disrespectful. its funny becouse i was allowed to read this after i wrote my feelings in our journal. for the most part you all were right on the mark about the "hows and whys" of what i was going through. i was hurt deeply by these acusations as i have been nothing but loyal and devoted entirely to Bear. He quistioned my very being, my morals and my love. this made me feel betrayed. This went on for a while so it wasnt like it was a one time thing and i could just get over it. i lost alot of respect and trust. you can not submit without these important factors. However, Bear has never let me down and my love for him continues to grow. intern...so will my trust and respect.
i have to say that it took alot of balls for him to expose himself like this to a rather large community. high risk! i admire and respect the fact the i am important enough to him, to expose himself in this way. i want to say thank you for helping out and taking the time to respond to him. i love my Bear to no end and would give my very last breath to him if needed. He is the air i breath.
jade

(in reply to MBear)

Post #: 16

RE: cofussed need some help - 6/1/2008 3:47:07 PM

Interesdom

Posts: 197
Joined: 5/24/2004
From: England
Status: offline

There's been some good advice here and it sounds like you two are on the road to recovery.

If you find the road getting tough, you should both consider reading (perhaps together) some of the advice on the site www.marriagebuilders.com There are some pages there that may assist you - such as the section on Love Busters.

Best wishes to you both,
Douglas.

(in reply to bearsjade)

Post #: 17

RE: cofussed need some help - 6/2/2008 12:11:12 AM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

I love happy endings. I wish you both the best.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to bearsjade)

Post #: 18

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