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leatherylace -> Owning your body and BDsM (10/24/2005 12:30:27 PM)
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In my sobriety I have started to come into my body and own it. This was a conversation I had with someone.
“How does "Well thanks to Kelly I gained a new respect for my body" make sense? How did she do that?”
When Kelly and I were dating she was intensely reserved about her body, and it took her a while for her to allow me to touch her. She was and to my knowledge is still a virgin. We were talking about her body, and she explained to me that no one was allowed to have her body unless she let them, and she wanted to share it. At one point in a relationship she had, she was pressured into doing something she didn’t want to do. Her body enjoyed it, and took over during the act, but after, she was angry at the woman. She had said that she really didn’t want to have done what she had done. This struck home for me. She was adamant about the fact that she only wants to share her body with someone she fully trusts and truly loves. She felt her body was a precious gift. I never really ever (until now) had seen it this way.
“Why did you think that: “I always thought that my body was here to serve other peoples desires"?
Kelly’s respect for her body really got me thinking about how I gave my body to anyone who wanted it, or made me feel sexy. It made me realize that everyone up to that point I had had sex with, I had felt a certain obligation to please them with my body…either giving or receiving. I was conditioned at a young age, by Him to believe that my body was here to please others. Letting other people have my body to satiate their desires was the only thing I knew. It was also the only way that made me feel worthy of the space that I took up.
I guess I felt that I almost had to get approval or permission to take up the space that I occupied. Now that I see this I realize that this was one of the reasons I have an eating disorder (I say ‘have’, because once one has an addiction they will always have it. The only difference is if one is in recovery or not.) I gave my body to who wanted it, or to who I wanted to care about me. I now look back on it, and I realize that up until recently I had never made the conscious CHOICE to SHARE my body with someone I loved. I never had shared my body before, I always gave it away. This doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy my sexual encounters…I did…very much. But the notion that I was able to CHOSE to share my body, and have no obligation to please was foreign to me. Though it was new and scary, I like it, and now I live by it.
“Why on all things that are holy in heaven, did you before think that it wasn't your choice to be with whom you chose, and that you're merely here for others people's pleasure?”
I think that this was because of what my father did to me. As a young child I had my first sexual experience, and it was imprinted in my mind that sex was about other peoples pleasure, not my own. When I consensually started to be sexually active I learned to feel pleasure myself. I have always had an odd conception of sexual pleasure. Ever since I can remember I have masturbated. My sister informed me that when I was living with her at the age of 3 I incessantly masturbated. Apparently it is common is survivors. Before I learned the term ‘masturbating’ I called it ‘Ahh babying’. This was not an ahhh from my mouth. As far back as I remember, I have experienced orgasms, and I enjoyed them. However up until recently I never really owned them. It seems to me the fact that I never owned my own pleasure let me to not be able (notice I don’t say ‘want’) to chose.
With the new perception of body and commensality and love, and self respect, I recently entered a relationship with Bridget. She had very simaler view and beliefs about sex as Kelly. I am absolutely am completely and utterly in love with Bridget. I would do anything for her. In some ways I love her more than I have loved anybody, and that is scary to me! I have given her everything I have. But the difference between her and anyone else I have loved (even Heidi) was that I had never made the CHOICE to give myself to someone. When I chose to give Bridget my body for the first time, it was a very different experience than I have ever had. As she put it, ‘I am the first person to ever take your soul’ and I WANTED to her to have it. I CHOOSE to give that gift to her, and I am blessed with the fact that she let me take her body, and more importantly her soul as well. Thank you My Love.
With that information I am wondering how BDsM fits in with owning your body. I am coming into my body doesnt mean I am going to discard what has satified me for so long. I am just now needing to re-define my beliefs around D/s. How is it possible to own your body and CHOSE to SHARE your body and mind and wanting to, and pleasing your dom/mes desires, as well as your own. I get incrediblly happy when I am pleasureing someone else and know it it because of me. How is is possible to own my plesure and also own my body in this situation and others?
A leathery hand and a lacy soul
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