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MrMongoose -> Thoughts on a tranformation; (Sw)-(D) (5/27/2008 10:04:55 PM)
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The transformation wasn't sudden, but the result was not.
For many years, I played at being dominant and by all accounts, didn't do to bad and had allot of fun. Oh I had a bit if a sadistic streak, but not much past really kinky vanilla. Even switched here and there, owner/pet most of those types of things in exploring. I can't say though as I ever really submitted ... may have been compliant for awhile, but never, to how I understand it now, did I submit. (I would have for one, but that didn't happen.) The fully D/s couples were a bit of a mystery to me ... the odd combination of gentleman and the animal with his pet/toy. After a rather length, and play filled relationship with a woman I now know to be a very real sub, I left. Got married and, I thought, because the wife had a submissive streak, that I would be OK.
--
In the interim, I helped a slave break confinement, her master was using her illegal status in the country to take away her kids. I could not stand for it, and helped make clean her return to the UK. Bad, but necessary. A sour turn happened in the marriage, one of those in sickness and health things, with the my wife's pregnancy I was suddenly no longer 'just' a bit to big for her, without extreme care, I'd harm her unintentionally. Oh, sex could still happen, but gone was banging like to 'year of the rabbits' that we were.
-- [sm=banghead.gif][sm=anger.gif]
I guess I have a will of iron, cause it took over 7 years for me to realize that I was not OK. To realize that I was in fact, on the edge of cracking. Oddly enough, this coincided with finishing my electrical engineering degree, and the recovery from a spinal injury, perhaps I'd just been blinded to myself in school. When looking a the scene again, it was with new eyes, some of the subtle distinctions made sense. And with much thought, I believe (and am looking for confirmation) that two things are going on at once. I'm back in the scene, taking action, to prevent the little yello smiley up there.
1) Due to the pent up frustration of years, I'm 'markedly more' sadistic than I was, this may or may not calm down. Some time with a bottom was recommended, highly.
2) I not only understand the Dom role, I'm not sure I can ever go back ... I feel the desire to be served, because it makes the server happy. (Right now I cannot tell if this is a need or a just a desire, my perception is skewed by #1.) And after many years as a pagan, know full well that more energy is exchanged, the healthier and more whole, both are. I feel this exchange to be part of it.
I do have a ... 'mentor of sorts' over in the UK that I chat with ... he helped identify that it was 2 issues, and not 1 thing. But, ever the engineer that I am, the more confirmation the better.
Do I have the right of this?
Am I walking into this deluded?
Can this co-exist with a marriage, even one with an 'open' clause?
--
MrMongoose
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