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RE: Vanilla family dysfunction and BDSM lifestyle quest... - 5/29/2008 9:12:31 AM

RCdc

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FR

Now see, this is just confusing the word.
Of course there is no such thing as 'normal' persay. Because normal is subjective. Dysfunctional is when a organism is impaired and cannot function 'normally' - however you define normal. Essentially, any minority is dysfunctional when placed outside their comfort zone.

And I do not believe that all families are dysfunctional.

the.dark.

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RE: Vanilla family dysfunction and BDSM lifestyle quest... - 5/29/2008 1:26:28 PM

abcbsex

Posts: 478
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My family was sort of dysfunctional. Things were hidden, people were afraid to talk to each other, nothing horrendous but it caused some rifts.. My owner's family? Not in the least. Everyone has their quirks in his family but their communication is something to be envied.

I think the fact that we're both really into kink disproves any correlation. Both of us have been in vanilla relationships, and this kinky relationship we have is just so much better.

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Post #: 22

RE: Vanilla family dysfunction and BDSM lifestyle quest... - 5/29/2008 3:43:42 PM

TysGalilah

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Other than some co-dependancy issues my mom had with us kids, my childhood was pretty sane. My sister and brother were 15 and 16 yrs older than I was and so they were out of the house and having their own kids by the time I was old enough to notice. My father was a very strict German man who was the dominant and Patriarch of the house/family. Mom a stay at home mom who was always around when I needed her.

Dad's role and personality is most likely why I am attracted to dominant men.
Mom's subserviant role is where I get my nurturing and "taking care of" desires, probably.

my kink?
hmmmm don't know. The only thing I can trace it to is that I was not allowed to date ...ever..period....had to move out of the house at 19 just to go out with a boy. ( and I needed to please my father too much to disobey him on anything.)

when I finally moved out..into my own studio apt in town.....I went a little wild. well ..ok alot wild

my emotional and sexual intensity>> probably from spending so many adult years surpressing my emotions and feelings. When they began to emerge they were/are intense with many dark places.

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RE: Vanilla family dysfunction and BDSM lifestyle quest... - 5/29/2008 3:45:48 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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My family was dysfunctional in the typical southern roots sort of way- skeletons in the closet, abusers, addicts, but no murderers or direct brawls as far as I know.

While my being kinky is a part of how I had to deal with my family and learn to identify, I'm alternative on a lot of other levels as well. So the kink alone isn't what caused any real shift between us. For people who are kinky but otherwise mainstream, I'd imagine it might be more of a particular impact.

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Post #: 24

RE: Vanilla family dysfunction and BDSM lifestyle quest... - 5/29/2008 4:55:15 PM

CreativeDominant

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My family was dysfunctional and functional in a weird combination.

A problem between my parents that arose when I was 13 led to my parents becoming "functioning alcoholics" with emotional and physical abuse going on from both sides. Though they loved my brother and myself, we more or less took on the task of raising ourselves. Some things I did good at, some things I didn't do so good at...~shrugs~...we did the best we could with what we had available. We both read a lot so we did quite an intense study of books on "normal" families and "normal" relationships and how to function "normally" in society as well as observing others closely.

Has it led to certain things in me? Certainly...a certain restlessness, a certain sadness, a certain deep response to being wounded by others, etc.. I've learned to recognize the buttons that open myself up to these feelings and, depending on the situation, either welcome them or move away from them. Did it lead to certain things that helped to shape my interest in D/s? Most likely...the chaos and uncertainty of those years, emphasized and "button=pushed" by a somewhat "feminazi-ized", cold ex in the last years of my marriage certainly led to a focusing of the need for control in future relationships and dynamics. The sadistic side though? No...from when I was about 11 or 12, the sexual dreams/fantasies I had more often than not involved roughness in some way or another. There were just enough "normal" interactions in these dreams and fantasies that helped me...and later, a psychosexual/psychosocial evaluator...to determine that I was indeed "normal" sexually.

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Post #: 25

RE: Vanilla family dysfunction and BDSM lifestyle quest... - 5/29/2008 7:51:45 PM

HisObedientslave

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Didn't read through ALL the posts here, but will say my family was/is still to this day dysfuctional...I hate it, I want out.......Looking for the guidance One may give me.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 26

RE: Vanilla family dysfunction and BDSM lifestyle quest... - 5/29/2008 7:53:37 PM

masterofdrkness2

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I am the only disfunctional member in my family <proud look>

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Post #: 27

RE: Vanilla family dysfunction and BDSM lifestyle quest... - 5/29/2008 7:57:27 PM

SimplyMichael

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyLynx

actually, I think that alot of families, since the beginning of time have been dysfunctional, but society, for the most part encouraged alot to keep it hidden.

Oh I disagree, things like oedipal complexes are a relatively recent phenomenon

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Post #: 28

RE: Vanilla family dysfunction and BDSM lifestyle quest... - 5/29/2008 8:00:56 PM

RedMagic1

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The story of Oedipus is not. Do you mean complexification is recent?

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Post #: 29

RE: Vanilla family dysfunction and BDSM lifestyle quest... - 5/30/2008 2:51:42 AM

stella41b

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From: SW London (UK)
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I wasn't born. My parents were too poor, apparently they were so poor a charity shop donated me to them - when they were out shopping. I was the unluckiest kid around. I got a rocking horse when I was small for Christmas, and my teddy bear rode off on it. I'm the one who found a bunch of bananas in the street, but when I peeled back the skins I found they were all empty.

I come from a dysfunctional family, so dysfunctional I was brought up by my grandparents for the first few years of my life in Glasgow. Part of the family who were emigrating to Canada at the time wanted to adopt me, but my mother backed out at the last minute. I survived my childhood.

The recovery process took some 25-26 years and there are times I still remember and things that maybe I shouldn't remember.

But I blame nobody and don't have too many regrets. Cookies crumble in certain ways and you just learn to deal with it. In fact I'm quite happy it turned out this way, it's helped me on my own journey of evolution and self-discovery. But then again let's not forget the destructive effects of my gender issues.

But you know, had I have had a different family, a different upbringing, or even been born to be as I am now I don't think it would have made much difference, as I sometimes feel that what brought me here and into such communities and lifestyles lies much deeper than my past.. in fact I believe that part of it lies very deep in the core of my soul.

I have what I can only describe as a restored family.. taken from the assumption that back in 1969 in Glasgow a different decision was taken which explains why my closest family ties now exist in Canada and not the UK.

You have to be very careful however because this is an issue which courts social stigma from both outside and within the community and for some throws up a red flag, on the assumed thesis that because you were abused as a child that you come into the community seeking abuse or potentially as an abuser.

the thing is that if you are over 30 (a rhetorical age) then you have a past, issues and a certain amount of baggage, even if you claim you don't. There's no stronger influence on you as a person that your own mother or parents, but I also believe that children are much tougher and resilient than perhaps we give them credit for and no doubt there are some among us who have gone through such experiences that they just don't feel able to talk about here on a public forum. Then again it is your baggage, past experience and issues which by and large make you the person you are, for better and for worse.

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RE: Vanilla family dysfunction and BDSM lifestyle quest... - 5/30/2008 3:36:57 AM

summersprite

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Having studied psychology and counselling at uni, it seems to me that you can spend your entire adult life 'getting over your childhood' if you choose to. And here's the thing.... it's a choice. I know, because my sister is spending vast amounts of money and a hell of lot of time doing this. By the time she's okay with those early years, she'll be checking into a retirement home.....

< Message edited by summersprite -- 5/30/2008 3:38:07 AM >

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RE: Vanilla family dysfunction and BDSM lifestyle quest... - 5/30/2008 7:33:44 AM

ThundersCry

Posts: 892
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The only thing dysfunctional in my family was....

me...

darn...

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Post #: 32

RE: Vanilla family dysfunction and BDSM lifestyle quest... - 5/30/2008 11:16:57 AM

SilentTigresss

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Joined: 1/18/2004
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Drama can happen without your permission; I beg to differ. Sometimes a person has no way out and has to endure what they live in, and especially when they are young. Yes, I am speaking out of experience.
I finally did get out though... but it was when I was old enough to do so.

(in reply to tsatske)

Post #: 33

RE: Vanilla family dysfunction and BDSM lifestyle quest... - 5/30/2008 11:20:41 AM

celticlord2112

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quote:

it seems to me that you can spend your entire adult life 'getting over your childhood' if you choose to.

Me personally, I'd rather spend my time getting over last night's hangover....

Of course, I'd rather spend my money getting last night's hangover.....

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RE: Vanilla family dysfunction and BDSM lifestyle quest... - 5/30/2008 12:21:48 PM

gypsygrl

Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
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I used to think my birth family was kind of dysfunctional. Then, I joined an elective family for a couple months and realized how functional my birth family was.

I mean, we had our problems, and I read way too much porn as a young 'un and spent way too much time running wild with the guys in the neighborhood, but my parents didn't have any glaring issues that would make one's jaw drop and, in general, things were stable and orderly. My brother is another story and created quite a bit of chaos, but I can't say my parents perpetuated a cycle of dysfunction. They just dealt with things in the best way they could.

I think sometimes its easy to lose perspective because we don't typically have anything to compare our family of origin with. I know I have a renewed appreciation for my parents and the sort of environment they created.

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RE: Vanilla family dysfunction and BDSM lifestyle quest... - 5/30/2008 7:54:25 PM

derfrewop

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From: Vancouver
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For some reason, the prison sent me Dads ashes. I went to a large festival hours early and sprinkled him amongst the porta-potties. 100,000 people pissed and crapped on him. I guess you could say we put the ysfu in dysfunctional.

But, no matter how bad your childhood was, it ends. You are still left with the task of living your life. You can do wonderful things with it. You can spend your whole life endlessly reliving your childhood. You can scream and rage against it all that you want but in the end, you lived and now you still are living. There really isn't anything to do about it but live as much as you can. Vanilla, kink, normal or dysfunctional, we all have pretty much the same thing going for us, one standard issue life.

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RE: Vanilla family dysfunction and BDSM lifestyle quest... - 5/30/2008 7:58:09 PM

NumberSix

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I would rather it was --- per se.

But look; life--- you play it where it lays, all else is fantasmagorical.

6

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RE: Vanilla family dysfunction and BDSM lifestyle quest... - 5/30/2008 11:06:49 PM

jim64

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In a "typical southern roots" kind of way, I totally agree. While, my family was dysfunctional. I pretty much had a great, normal childhood. That may have added to my focus on the lifestyle, but did not cause it to become what it is. Many people live very fucked up lives growing up and never enter this world.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 38

RE: Vanilla family dysfunction and BDSM lifestyle quest... - 5/31/2008 7:34:02 AM

Prinsexx

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Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

If you can't manage a vanilla relationship you will not be able to manage a power one.

I don't agree. My logic goes like this: itis because I cannot and do not want to manage a vanilla relationship that I choose power exchange relationships raher than power struggle ones. I cut my teeth on three vanilla marriages and I was successful at all of them except that I got no payoff. As a submissive my service is NOT taken for granted as it was in those vaniila set-ups.

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Post #: 39

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