For Dominants with Live-In Slaves...A Question

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anthrosub -> For Dominants with Live-In Slaves...A Question (10/25/2005 10:38:03 AM)
From time to time, I've had this question run through my head when considering a slave's life in a live-in situation. The topic seems to be discussed indirectly through bits and pieces of information in other threads; so, I thought I'd ask it outright.... For those who have a live-in slave, how and to what extent is the slave's personal interests outside of D/s and BDSM (including work requirements) incorporated into the relationship and your domain and what is your philosophy on such matters? To give some context as to what I'm asking, was the slave expected to shed his or her prior life as much as possible so you could reshape them to suit your needs, leaving in place only those things necessary to function in vanilla situations (i.e., remaining able to contact immediate family and friends)? What happened to their personal belongings upon moving in together? If they have any activity interests or hobbies, are they still allowed time to pursue them? It would be interesting to read how these and other issues have been handled and any other comments you might have. I look forward to your feedback. anthrosub

AAkasha -> RE: For Dominants with Live-In Slaves...A Question (10/25/2005 10:56:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: anthrosub From time to time, I've had this question run through my head when considering a slave's life in a live-in situation. The topic seems to be discussed indirectly through bits and pieces of information in other threads; so, I thought I'd ask it outright.... For those who have a live-in slave, how and to what extent is the slave's personal interests outside of D/s and BDSM (including work requirements) incorporated into the relationship and your domain and what is your philosophy on such matters? To give some context as to what I'm asking, was the slave expected to shed his or her prior life as much as possible so you could reshape them to suit your needs, leaving in place only those things necessary to function in vanilla situations (i.e., remaining able to contact immediate family and friends)? What happened to their personal belongings upon moving in together? If they have any activity interests or hobbies, are they still allowed time to pursue them? It would be interesting to read how these and other issues have been handled and any other comments you might have. I look forward to your feedback. anthrosub I don't consider my husband a 'slave' but we have a live-in relationship with our roles clearly defined -- and I'm the one in charge of things basically. I'd be surprised to hear if any femdoms actually made/make their partners shed their personal interests completely, but it's clear in my case that he molds his lifestyle around mine, and not vice versa. Much more than vanilla couples we know. He did not work for the first 9 months he lived here in the US because he was waiting for a work visa. As soon as he could legally work and did, it didn't take long (less than one year) that I decided I didn't want him to have a job, I wanted him to be back at home taking care of things. In that case, I made a career choice for him. He's picked his own hobbies, but because I pay for the gear and essentially have the final say, he's again shaped them around my lifestyle, not his desires. He dropped ice hockey for a bit to pursue cycling, but realizing I'm not too happy about it, he's going back to ice hockey. He'd love to ski, but does not, because it's impractical and would require him to spend a few days a month away to really enjoy it at the level he likes, and he knows he should be here helping me. His "interest" in cooking has become a part time job of educating himself and experimenting, because he cooks all the meals and that's part of his responsibility and reason he doesn't have a job. He could just as easily used that time to pursue his "interest" in the latest video games, but he has essentially given up that hobby because it's a 'time waster' (his words, not mine). The key thing is that he structures his life around what will make my life easier. This isn't because I told him he had to do it. This is a trait he showed early on and one that led me to realize that he was a keeper. When I was working 60 hrs a week and supporting him because he couldn't work legally, I didn't come home to find he had slept in late every day. He'd clean, cook, drive over to help my mom fix her house, run errands, do all the shopping, and make sure he spent his time in ways that would make me happy. As for his belongings, he didn't have any. He came over here for a 'visit' and never left. Most of what he left behind he realized he didn't need, except his hockey gear and some books which he had shipped out later. He also didn't have any money, so that wasn't an issue. Akasha

SweetDommes -> RE: For Dominants with Live-In Slaves...A Question (10/25/2005 11:34:03 AM)
Our boys both have their own interests, which we allow as long as it doesn't interfere with finances (like rob's bow - he paid for it out of his inheritance, so we had no objection to it ... now, tricking out his car, which he wants to do, will have to wait until he has a job and can pay for it himself). Our boys have hobbies - rob's bow again, computer games, the corporal likes to go hunting ... and as long as the chores get done first, or at least before we need the laundry/dishes/whatever, we don't object. The only times we object is when things don't get taken care of. We don't want someone with no personality of his own, we don't want someone who gives up his personality for us - we want boys who, like Akasha's husband, mold their interests around us, but don't change them all entirely.

wyngedbyste -> RE: For Dominants with Live-In Slaves...A Question (10/25/2005 2:06:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: anthrosub "...was the slave expected to shed his or her prior life as much as possible so you could reshape them to suit your needs, leaving in place only those things necessary to function in vanilla situations (i.e., remaining able to contact immediate family and friends)? I owned a 24/7 slave for five years. When I accepted him as my slave, I accepted that he had a prior life. The man was 53 years old when he entered my service; his personality and lifestyle was fairly fixed. He needed training to know how to satisfy my needs, but otherwise, he was given the respect I'd give any human being. quote: "What happened to their personal belongings upon moving in together?) I made a place for his things in my home. That's how I preferred our relationship to function. quote: "If they have any activity interests or hobbies, are they still allowed time to pursue them??) I wanted a healthy, happy human slave. I also preferred an intelligent servant. This meant that recreational activities, hobbies and friends were included in his life. Byste

thetammyjo -> RE: For Dominants with Live-In Slaves...A Question (10/25/2005 2:11:00 PM)
I only accept service from people with whom I have a lot in common so my slaves have always had "outside" interests that overlap with my own. However, I firmly believe that I gain more from a slave or bents to my will and serves me in all ways by also being a strong individual in his own right. Fox graduated from college, he has a full-time job, he's learning web design, he has some friends whom are not my own friends, he's in another gaming group with my spouse, and he has online friendships as well. I come first and foremost and he always asks my permission before agreeing to anything outside our relationship. The exception to his is his family of origin -- he came with those and I would personally consider it abusive to deny him his family. Now he does adjust his life to me. He lives in my house, he does not own the house but contributes both financially and chorewise to it. He could have found a great paying job elsewhere but he's my slave and I'm staying here, therefore he stays here. When I move, he will move. If I make plans for the entire family or for just him and I, he goes and he follows my plan. He is not allowed to lock his room's door, he is not allowed to say the word "no" to me, and he must available at all hours (unless he's at work or with family) to see to any whims I may have. I'm a fairly independent woman however so I frankly don't need or want him waiting on me hand and foot; he needs other projects to occupy his time. I'm also a very busy woman so he was trained to take care of my house and me without direct orders. Is this answering your question at all, anthrosub?

GoddessDustyGold -> RE: For Dominants with Live-In Slaves...A Question (10/25/2005 4:00:39 PM)
I never want to cut anyone off from family and friends (friends might require My supervision and approval). But I find an incredible attachment to things and personal interests that have nothing to do with anything I enjoy. A reasonable partiicpation in such interests is usually okay. But expensive hobbies, and time sucking activities are usually not ok. A slave is a slave is a slave. If one does not wish to be a slave, then one should think about making the offer. The basic interests and activities (excluding necessary employment time) should revolve around the Mistress. I have no problem with personal time for family, and certain approved activities, but I find that there is often an assumption that personal lifestyle does not need to change at all. Or I am told, "that's not fair". Well, I am not sure who said the M/s relationship was "fair". I consider it fair, as I would not want a boy who did not derive personal happiness from bending to My will and My preferences. In that sense it is perfectly fair and a win-win situation. As to personal property, if a boy is too attached to his many "things" I usually have a problem with that. And, on the flip side, I have had boys who became disenchanted with Me because I did not want the things they wanted, such as entire walls of televisions, or huge, homemade (and I might say ugly) speakers. Another thing that seems to disenchant is My lack of interest in a high and mighty lifestyle with all the accoutrements, i.e. huge home, fancy car and designer clothing. I guess if the shell does not dress in expensive leather and 6" high heels each day, She is not Twue Mistress material. I am pretty much on the same page as Aakasha. Within reason, all people should have outside interests and activities as well as like-mindedness regarding the trappings of life. The more these are compatible, the better off the relationship. But, in the end, it is about the Lady and her preferences. So be careful what you sign up for.

LadyAngelika -> RE: For Dominants with Live-In Slaves...A Question (10/26/2005 7:52:18 AM)
I’m not sure if my answer will apply to your question because when my boy and I will live together, I will not consider him a live-in slave. I will consider him my partner whom I share a life with. But seeing as we do have a D/s dynamic to our relationship, perhaps what I will offer here will be of help to you. “The man he is” is what attracted me to him in the first place. He is strong, smart, opinionated (sometimes obstinate!), clever, funny, sweet, romantic, virile, sexy, and the list goes on. And he’s got it going on in all the right proportions too. Why would I want to tamper with that in any way, shape or form? He has expressed that he sees his devotion to me as putting my needs and desires first. I believe that he is sincere about that. That doesn’t mean that I get to mess with his life selfishly. As Uncle Ben said: “Remember, with great power comes great responsibility.” As the one in charge, it is up to me to make sure that the decisions I make impact us both in a positive way. That includes discussing with him and getting his input and perspective before making a decision. I do not believe that just because we are in a D/s dynamic that he should drop his life completely for me. I think however that if there are things in his life that are a hindrance to our relationship, we will discuss it. I love the life this man has made for himself. He has worked hard to be where he is, using his smarts and savvy. He is passionate about his hobbies and pastimes and I would never dream of asking him to give them up, perhaps tone them down if they hindered on our life. But to be honest, though we don’t have exactly the same past times, we have very similar lifestyles already, and though I do not expect him to include me in all his activities, I am looking forward to discovering his world as much as I am to giving him a tour of mine. As for friends and family, I would be an idiot to tell him to drop any of them. If he had a friend that I liked less, we’d discuss it. I’d try to understand why this friendship is so important to him and we’d come to an understanding together. Ultimately however, the choice would be his. That is a part of a man I have no desire to control. As for his belongings, I believe that we will have to make room for both of our things and make certain compromises about what goes where. Again, the fact that we have very aligned tastes and lifestyle will help with this. But I will never ask him to part with something sentimental. If he leaves something behind, it will be his decision. I have to say, with my boy, he is a perfect fit for me. I don’t really want to change anything about him. There are a few things we need to fine tune in our dynamics and that is already happening slowly. If I felt I had to revamp someone completely in order to make them appealing to me, I wouldn’t even bother getting involved. Hope this helps. - LA

Shadowsdream -> RE: For Dominants with Live-In Slaves...A Question (10/26/2005 10:39:50 AM)
The answer to these questions anthrosub are ever changing for Me and Mine because of the reasons I choose My subs and slaves and the expectations I have for them individually long term. The dynamics between My Swedish slave and I 24/7 are much different than the expectations I have for My American submissive for many reasons...I will try to put it into perspective from My point of view for our lives. In 1999 I made the decision to take a submissive to be Mine that lived in Sweden while I was living in Canada. After 2 visits to Me he fell to a natural slavery and I knew that he and I needed to share the same home to get the maximum benefit from our Mistress/slave relationship. It was at that point I had to make a decision to have him relocate to Canada or I had to relocate to Sweden. he has a huge career in film and television and at the tender age of 31 his career had many years of excitement and opportunity before him. I had been retired since I was 39. My slave would only benefit by moving to Me in his slavery but would struggle to get established at the level he had attained career wise. It was a no brainer that I would move to Sweden for 1 year to see if it pleased Me or not. With the 18 year different in our ages came a different kind of responsibilty. I do not choose My subs or slaves only for what they can do for Me but also for where I can add to their lives to help them be better and happier individuals at the end of the day. This toy has a Mensa mentality which comes with its own negatives for him...I would say he is socially inept yet intellectually unbeatable in many ways. My responsibility with him was to teach him about social responsibility to others...how to interract without sticking his feet in his mouth and to improve his friends and family structure. To this end I told him when he "must" make phone calls and with which friend or family member and why. Because I knew what was going on in his life at all times and so I knew which calls would benefit him emotionally which would in turn make him calmer and even more devoted. Often I would tell him he "must" go out with a friend and that he could not come home until 2 or 3 in the morning...allowing him only 2 phone calls to Me just to check in. Why do I treat him this way? Sometimes simply because I felt like enjoying a night alone..sometimes because I felt he needed that controlled freedom and sometimes because I knew he and his friend needed time with each other. he is also a musician playing many instruments, a singer and an artist. I created time when he "must" work on these hobbies because his need to serve Me and be available to all of My whims every second possible would not allow him to enjoy these joys without guilt. The pleasure I receive from listening to his practices and his struggles as he composes far outweighs the hours I make him focus on his pleasure. he serves Me in his obedience whether that obedience satisfies some of his needs or not. Living 24/7 long term is a lot of work for the Dominant when they decide to accept a slave or submissive that needs micro management in all areas of their lives. For Me this small look into a very complex life that we shared in home for 5 years was worth every moment. We now live in our respective Countries with twice daily phone contact and travels back and forth due only to My lack of enjoyment of dealing with a foriegn language. My American submissive is another story and My expectations of him are different as are the reasons I have chosen him. he is My age and soon will retire himself. he will relocate to Me leaving everything behind when he sells his home except for clothing...his truck and harley. Together we will build a new life in My city. This submissive does not come with the 16 years of experience the slave had attained and has more placid life experiences with good social skills. he will need no micro managing but will be 100% under My thumb with all decisions going through Me. Even his hobbies will be managed by Me at at My convenience but they will not be taken away from him. I will encourage him and send him out to golf or ride whenever I want some peace and quiet! Both of these toys are delightful to own for their own unique qualities. Both have been changed to the degrees it pleases Me to change them. Both serve Me respectfully and completely with devotion and pride. Both are collared...under lifetime contracts and adored for as much of what I give to them as I take from them. I imagine this is all an over simplification of our lives together but I don't want to type out a book! ~~smile~

lonewolf05 -> RE: For Dominants with Live-In Slaves...A Question (10/26/2005 11:03:01 AM)
no..i am not a D..i am an s....... BUT! IF it matters? MY vanilla interests do NOT have anything to do with MY Ms. mine is my music and my vhs tapes...now going into cd movies... i am only here to do for Her in d/s. my life is separate from Hers...in interests. i do my d/s chores..i help Her hubby do guy things...but that is IT. i do NOT share my personal life with Her or She with me. i like my music and movies..She doesn't get involved... but your mileage will differ with different warranties. wolf

MssadisticDomme -> RE: For Dominants with Live-In Slaves...A Question (10/26/2005 9:04:43 PM)
[8D] Anthrosub, My standards are simple, my submissives must work in order to help support themselves , to allow them to remain to take care of themselves in case something should happen to me, they still know how to function as an individule. As for stripping them that is a prefrence, what would you want to re-shape them, heres my thoughts, I have at one point taken a submissive who was fantastic at 90% of what she did, but the other 10% I took it and reshaped it, and another one I took everything and started from the bottom up for example a new sub would start out in puppy training, to lil girl training, and move from there. I find it easier to allow the sub to be them selves. and dicipline for there actions if they are not appropriate. for activities, Yes I let them, but they must earn it. again, it gives them time to relax and again they keep there individuality. Ms Sadistic Domme.[:o]

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