Can Some one hellp us???? (Full Version)

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SubmissiveCook -> Can Some one hellp us???? (5/29/2008 2:56:58 PM)

I have looked a long time for a woman to dominate me. I believe I have found some one that is interested in the B/D portion of the lifestyle. But she is new and is interested in domming me. I have tried to lead her on giving her ideas, and things are slow. Can any one give some ideas for her to accellerate her doming me??  i will print them as she is not too computer literate. We have done some bondage, but she would like to try some tying tecniques, more than just tied to a bed.




peppermint -> RE: Can Some one hellp us???? (5/29/2008 3:38:51 PM)

First you need to decide who is the submissive and who is the Dominant in your relationship.  You pushing her to do something she is not comfortable or ready to do at this time is NOT being submissive.  You need to let her go at her own speed and try new things when SHE wants to do so...not when you want her to do so.  Remember....you are supposed to serve her and part of serving her at the moment is being patient with her learning curve.  I know you are in a rush to experience everything you have dreamed of doing.  That is called sub frenzy, however, this is not the time to push her beyond her comfort level. 

There are many bondage books on the market.  I'm not familiar with the titles but if you do a search in the forum for books i'm sure you'll locate a list of them.  The books will give her new bondage ideas and she can try the new ideas when she wants to try them. 




stella41b -> RE: Can Some one hellp us???? (5/29/2008 4:24:27 PM)

How do you know she's not posting on some other forum on some other website saying something like "I'm a dominant female but don't have much experience asnd I'm trying to build up a relationship with a male sub but he's being really pushy. What should I do?"?

What sort of responses do you think she would get if she posted something like the above?

Go figure.




LadyPact -> RE: Can Some one hellp us???? (5/29/2008 5:08:42 PM)

The other two responders just saved Me a lot of keystrokes.  Thanks, gals!

The only thing missing is a correction in the title of the thread.  OP, instead of calling it  'help for us', you should have entitled it 'help for you'.

It's completely possible that this Domme is advancing her skill at a rate that She is quite comfortable with.




katie978 -> RE: Can Some one hellp us???? (5/29/2008 5:22:25 PM)

"I believe I have found some one that is interested in the B/D portion of the lifestyle"

You believe? You mean-you haven't actually asked her? Lots of women will play the domme a time or two to please their man, but handcuffing you to the bed when she's a little tipsy doesn't mean she's actually domme. In fact, a woman who has subbie tendencies is pretty likely to play the domme, pleasing you is important enough to her that she'll put herself into situations that she feels uncomfortable in. Since you're the one posting here instead of her, I'll warrant a guess that you haven't had a flat out conversation regarding the kinky stuff, you just slyly keep mentioning how hot it is when she's in charge. If you really want a domme, stop being sly and tell her you're interested in a sexually dominant woman.
     If you have discussed BDSM with her and know that she's interested in bondage and discipline, well, if she's internet illiterate, buy her some books. How-to guides abound, and if you know how to use Collarme, you know how to use Amazon. 
   Once she's got that down, you can check out books of erotic short stories for ideas-not all of them translate directly into safe, real-life play, but they're a great source for ideas. You can easily find some books of femdom specific ones online as well.




MissMagnolia -> RE: Can Some one hellp us???? (5/29/2008 5:27:42 PM)

Tried to lead her on? Accelerate her doming you? OK, this just screams that you're a "do me" sub, which is not sub at all and something most D's hate.

SHE is the one in control,, not you. SHE is the one who decides what will be done and when. You need to back off and let her actually BE the Domme.

If you tried that shit with me, you'd be out the door on the end of my boot.




Missokyst -> RE: Can Some one hellp us???? (5/29/2008 5:29:22 PM)

It is also very possible she doesn't know much and without computer skills might want other avenues to learn things.
OP, the both of you should visit your local bookstore, barnes and noble carries a lot of books on the subject of kink.
Try topping from the bottom, sm101, the ties that bind, ect.  If they dont have them they can order them for you.
If your mate is willing, there is no reason that you can't help her find a way.  Just dont PUSH her to do everything YOU want.  Pointing the way is not pushing.  Stating what you like is not pushing.  Demanding that those things be tried on you, IS.
It disturbs me to no end that people say you can't say or do a thing until she is ready.  If she is learning how is she going to know unless she sees it, reads it, or is introduced to it?
Talk to your partner and find out what she wants to do, then let her do it, or help her explore reading material so she can acquaint herself with kink.
Sheesh.. people say COMMUNICATE all the time, but the minute someone says help, their instinct is to yell "who is the dominant in this relationship!"
As far as I know, the material isn't being beamed into peoples heads.. yet.
Kyst




MstrVik -> RE: Can Some one hellp us???? (5/29/2008 5:29:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SubmissiveCook

I have tried to lead her on giving her ideas, and things are slow.


Very bad idea! - I agree with those that responded before me - don't ever try to mix up the roles here. You'll never get anywhere with an approach like that. --- How to accellerate it? Find more ways to please her. Try to improve the quality of your own submission by going with her pace and with whatever directions she gives.  




LadyPact -> RE: Can Some one hellp us???? (5/29/2008 5:59:31 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

It is also very possible she doesn't know much and without computer skills might want other avenues to learn things.
OP, the both of you should visit your local bookstore, barnes and noble carries a lot of books on the subject of kink.
Try topping from the bottom, sm101, the ties that bind, ect.  If they dont have them they can order them for you.
If your mate is willing, there is no reason that you can't help her find a way.  Just dont PUSH her to do everything YOU want.  Pointing the way is not pushing.  Stating what you like is not pushing.  Demanding that those things be tried on you, IS.
It disturbs me to no end that people say you can't say or do a thing until she is ready.  If she is learning how is she going to know unless she sees it, reads it, or is introduced to it?
Talk to your partner and find out what she wants to do, then let her do it, or help her explore reading material so she can acquaint herself with kink.
Sheesh.. people say COMMUNICATE all the time, but the minute someone says help, their instinct is to yell "who is the dominant in this relationship!"
As far as I know, the material isn't being beamed into peoples heads.. yet.
Kyst

The above is true, but nowhere in the OP did he ever say that She wanted to go at a faster pace.  Just him.




cantilena -> RE: Can Some one hellp us???? (5/29/2008 6:17:49 PM)

OP, I would suggest the basics... talk to her about what sounds fun for you, get her ideas on what sounds fun for her. 

Then go do it.




SubmissiveCook -> RE: Can Some one hellp us???? (5/29/2008 6:34:19 PM)

Thanks.....Will try some of your ideas and will give her more time. One thing was said, about her being tipsy. seems that is the only time she will even touch me. Even for regular sex of wich she is on top with out bonds. I will take all into consideration.....thanks




katie978 -> RE: Can Some one hellp us???? (5/29/2008 7:18:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SubmissiveCook

Thanks.....Will try some of your ideas and will give her more time. One thing was said, about her being tipsy. seems that is the only time she will even touch me. Even for regular sex of wich she is on top with out bonds. I will take all into consideration.....thanks


Eep, looks like you've got a bigger problem than a possible wanna-be dominatrix that you oughta work on before you convince her to try shibari and single-tails.




MissMagnolia -> RE: Can Some one hellp us???? (5/29/2008 7:24:19 PM)

Um, k. Refusing to touch a guy until a lady is pissed doesn't sound like a D/s anything. Maybe she wants to have a little more variety in her sex life and isn't anywhere near into BDSM. She may be sexually repressed and only capable of doing something a lil naughty when her inhibitions are clouded with alcohol.

I can't even imagine being with someone who has to be tiddly to do anything with me.




virgini970 -> RE: Can Some one hellp us???? (5/29/2008 9:31:22 PM)

I do know i have been a sub and now a DOM and it sounds like she is not sure what she wants you need to have a good heart to heart talk with her with no bull shit you both have to be out and open about what you both want or it want work at all
Nails.




virgini970 -> RE: Can Some one hellp us???? (5/29/2008 9:37:37 PM)

and you realy need to think about what you want and need may be you are the one who wants to be a DOM may be she wants to be the sub untill you realy talk about want you both want and not just  what you want then it will not work and you would just be putting her off all to gether




stella41b -> RE: Can Some one hellp us???? (5/30/2008 1:58:09 AM)

Hang on a minute here. Something here doesn't add up. You come onto a CM forum asking how she can be 'accelerated' to be more of a Domme, and then it cmes out that to be really intimate with you she needs to drink alcohol.

Forgive me for asking, but are you two quite on the same page?

Isn't the fact that she needs to get tipsy to be intimate with you a sign in itself? Now stop and think about this please, rationally. She has let it be known to you in some way that she wants to be the Domme, you want her to be Domme I guess, and you be the sub, you're also aware that she needs to get tipsy or so it seems to be intimate.

And yet you come and write such an OP here on the boards. Does this mean that you're okay and accept the fact that a woman has to get herself half drunk just to be able to sleep with you? Now please, stop and think about this. Does this really strike you as rational behaviour?

Also is this the sort of sub you really want to be? You know, your Domme hits a problem, and yet you don't sit down and try to help her and discuss it with her, but you have to come onto a BDSM forum asking people about the best way you can get what you want. Is this really how you want it to be? What statement does that make about your relationship? About you as a submissive? About how you feel about a Domme with whom you share a relationship?

So okay, you were clutching at straws, you didn't really understand the situation, and we all make mistakes. Okay. No harm no foul. There's nobody here who hasn't said or done things in error or which they have regretted later. Nobody.

She's got issues. It seems like major issues. They have to be if she's got to turn to alcohol before she gets to do something. They might not be. I don't know you, I don't know her, I'm just taking everything here at face value.

Okay, so she's got issues, everyone has issues. You have issues, I have issues, everyone reading this has issues. It's part of life, you are subject to the stresses and tribulations of life and other people just as everyone else is and nobody escapes having issues.

You said it yourself, she gets tipsy to get intimate. That's the key to the solution. She's crying for help. That's why she's with you, that's why she feels okay to get tipsy with you. She's maybe feeling vulnerable, scared, weak, and she needs you to know and understand what's going through her head, what she's experiencing. Seems to me that she's got some big bad demon there inside her from her past, and it scares her so much she feels she cannot face up to it alone. She needs you.

You see here's the rub.. just because she wants to be a Domme, that doesn't make her into a Domme 24/7, she isn't going to start taking charge of your life and dominating you 24/7 so it's probably best if you get rid of such illusions right here and now. In fact her becoming a Domme isn't going to change her all that much, she's still going to be the same woman as before, the same as you know now. And as such she's going to have her times of weakness, times when she's vulnerable, afraid, insecure, with you but feeling alone, remembering maybe terrible things from the past, having night terrors, irrational thoughts, irrational fears, moods, different emotions, and all the other things women go through in life.

You really want to know how to be her submissive and help her become more dominant? Okay, here goes. First thing, be there for her. Just there, be there, so that she can learn to depend on you, rely on you, trust you. Be her friend, like a brother, stay with her, help her, listen to her, hold her hand, and listen to her once again, show her that you care about her, that you are there for her, that she can say whatever she likes, express herself however which way, and that you will still always be there for her, no matter what. She needs to be able to trust you, and trust you completely, with her life, with everything, and the only way she's ever going to trust you is by you inspiring confidence in her.

Now a big part of inspiring that confidence in her is learning to value the trust that she places in you, and maintaining both discretion and confidentiality. That means not coming to these boards and posting things without her consent (I'm not saying you did, but just giving an example). This is something which is EXTREMELY important. This is why you can go through these boards and only find a handful of threads started by male submissives going into intimate details about their problems in their relationship with a Domme, if at all any. I personally can't remember any, but I'm not here all the time (it just seems that way sometimes). If you've got any problems you work it out with her, if you need a third person you do it together or under her control, which is what I guess you're doing now.

You also need to learn from your mistakes.. if you really truly want to be with a Domme you let her set the pace of the relationship, not you. It's like a dance, she leads, you follow, and if you don't know the steps you ask, and she'll teach you. She might not want to take the initiative all the time, but the opportunity should always be there for her to do so.

Be patient, take it one step at a time, one step at a time, together with her. Provided you have that mutual understanding, acceptance, connection, every day will be an investment, a risk too, but it will be an investment, and as each day passes it brings you one day closer to when that investment will bring a return. It's not going to ever work out the way you thought it might, it never does. But you know it will be good if only half works out, and I'm sure if you do submit and work with her that the other half what she comes up with will probably be far better than even you imagined at the start.

That's how it usually works out. Usually? Why yes, usually. How? No explanation, it's a little magic. It takes a special sort of woman to become a Domme, and most have more than a passing ability when it comes to little things which are magic.

Be there for her, hold her hand, and remember to be as special for her as she will be for you. Believe in her as she will believe in you.

And remember, dreams come true for those who really really believe.

Be well and good luck.




petpete -> RE: Can Some one hellp us???? (5/30/2008 2:03:58 AM)

i know that the helpline is 000 here in Melbourne Aus, but i dont know whats your local #




Maya2001 -> RE: Can Some one hellp us???? (5/30/2008 8:30:30 AM)

http://www.bcwsd.com/backroom/library/articles_us/bond_jap.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Japanese_bondage

Here is info on techniques for Domination   ..let her read and decide what she is comfortable with doing and the rate of speeed she wishes to progress at
http://frugaldomme.com/esoteric/default.htm

http://frugaldomme.com/dangers/default.htm






ladywolfpup -> RE: Can Some one hellp us???? (5/30/2008 11:04:14 AM)

You trying to rush her isn't being submissive. Even Doms have to learn somewhere and have to learn at their own pace. She will tell you when she is ready, not when you are. Don't top from the bottom.




NumberSix -> RE: Can Some one hellp us???? (5/30/2008 6:22:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SubmissiveCook

Thanks.....Will try some of your ideas and will give her more time. One thing was said, about her being tipsy. seems that is the only time she will even touch me. Even for regular sex of wich she is on top with out bonds. I will take all into consideration.....thanks


Son, the guilt thingie all over hell.......

You need to get her some books, you need to sit down and have a VISIT!!!!

Go see MasterFireMaam, John Warren (both on this site, and get their books)

She is so not alone, it is ok to hurt and order folks around, it is ok to think like she is thinking.

She needs to be comfortable in her own skin, dude.

you can quote me----

6




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