submissives playing mental games? (Full Version)

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Interrogator2008 -> submissives playing mental games? (5/31/2008 11:11:44 PM)

Good evening all;

had an interesting question here for the ladies, as this question is beyond the realm of BDSM but more on how women and men relate and the games sometimes we play. I have a submissive whereby everything was going well, but due to some issues was limited to seeing me on weekends. The problems down the line started with random excuses (one weekend so it was not a pattern) whereby she had a change of plans due to her living situation which is not for this discussion. However this week we had discussed how we would see each other and made plans and she even called asking if she should bring some items or not, and then she calls me later to explain that she would not be coming over due that she thought I was only interested in sex (even though she kept telling me she loved it, and I did make a point to spend time with her not just doing that) and also that the drive was too much even though I offered multiple times to drive to see her.

Then she emails me (same day) explaining that she made a mistake and that she was re-organizing her life around so that she could see me, asked for forgiveness, etc.

I guess my thoughts at this point is that she met some other Dominant and it did not work out and now she is coming back to me? I guess I need a female input as I lack friends in the lifestyle and there is no one I can turn to for this. Any input is much appreciated.



MissMagnolia -> RE: submissives playing mental games? (5/31/2008 11:18:31 PM)

Not knowing the full situation, it's hard to say. It does sound very much like you don't have trust in this person, or you believe her to be dishonest with you. That's not good in any relationship and I wonder if she has done anything in the past to make you think that she may not be being truthful?

Sadly, though you might get a thousand responses to your question, the only person who can really tell you what the hell she is doing is her.



Interrogator2008 -> RE: submissives playing mental games? (5/31/2008 11:28:31 PM)

MissMagnolia,

Thank you for your wise input, and now that I think about it, it could be a trust issue on my part. I will await other inputs to get other perspectives, however it is true only she can say what is truly going on.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: submissives playing mental games? (5/31/2008 11:35:59 PM)

Agreed that it's hard to say, you could be completely right or wrong.

Either way, it's obvious she not only has no idea what she really wants, but is incapable of making any sort of commitment, even to go on a date, that you can depend on.



mztresn0w -> RE: submissives playing mental games? (5/31/2008 11:49:13 PM)

Have you asked her about it? Maybe there was something that happened that she had to deal with and didn't want you to think she was standing you up. Then she was able to deal with it and was letting you know that she was available. It sounds like you need to talk to her and  find out what is going on. Only she can answer those questions.



Interrogator2008 -> RE: submissives playing mental games? (5/31/2008 11:54:42 PM)

thank you all for your opinions.

mztresnow in this case if she had made up an excuse like she had a flat tire I would have bought into that idea, however she told me that she tought it was a good idea that maybe we should not see each other anymore (despite liking me and saying other things to lift my ego) and when she said that it was very unlike her usual character/personality and not only that it came with no warning when barely an hour before she was telling me she wanted to see me and that she was bringing some things for our mutual enjoyment, etc.



endearing -> RE: submissives playing mental games? (5/31/2008 11:56:42 PM)

It sounds like she needs to be willing to give some solid explanations to You -- if she is only willing to give very general responses, it would seem possibly she is either seeing someone else too, she is not very trusting of You, she is very ''wishy washy'' -- it could be a number of things.

How old is she -- it might have something to do with the situation.

i wish You luck.



SweetNika -> RE: submissives playing mental games? (6/1/2008 12:01:49 AM)

Without knowing her or what was going on in her mind there are so many possible reasons. I myself have had to cancel and reschedule meeting people in r/t. Not because I didn't want to meet them but because sometimes life simply interfers. In my opinion, it sounds like she simply got cold feet or her nerves got the best of her which I think happens alot when meeting someone for the 1st time. If you can't talk her at this point and ask her and trust what she says then that is probably a sign to simply move on.
 
blessed be,
Nika



Interrogator2008 -> RE: submissives playing mental games? (6/1/2008 12:06:04 AM)

SweetNika,

Actually I have been seeing her in real time. We have met on numerous ocassions on the past 2 and half months.



mztresn0w -> RE: submissives playing mental games? (6/1/2008 12:11:44 AM)

I think you answered your own question then. She is playing games. Trying to top from the bottom no matter what it is called. I would walk away and never look back. But that is just me. I won't invest my time in some one that isn't really interested in me. It is better to just walk away then to be walked over.



endearing -> RE: submissives playing mental games? (6/1/2008 12:15:15 AM)

If i were You, i would figure out some questions to ask her regarding her having cancelled that day. And if You ask her about it, keep Your voice very gentle ... if she has a good explanation, she will probably value Your approaching her in such a way.



SweetNika -> RE: submissives playing mental games? (6/1/2008 12:24:06 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Interrogator2008

SweetNika,

Actually I have been seeing her in real time. We have met on numerous ocassions on the past 2 and half months.


laughs- I reread your post and this stuck out to me and I am not sure how I missed it the 1st time. I suppose it is what happens at 3am.
 
"then she calls me later to explain that she would not be coming over due that she thought I was only interested in sex"
 
After reading this and rereading IMO she has answered your question and you may just be having trouble accepting the answer. Sex is wonderful but it can also leave someone wanting, I know for me it does but sometimes it is hard not simply settle for what someone is willing to give you. Perhaps that is what she is struggling with.
 
But as a I said only she can truly answer your question and if you can't speak to her and trust what she tells you then that alone should tell you something regarding the relationship. Even in a sexual relationship I think trust and communication are a must.



Interrogator2008 -> RE: submissives playing mental games? (6/1/2008 12:31:22 AM)

SweetNika,
lol...yes it is late. In any case I am very verbose and I try to communicate as much as I can, and tomorrow I guess I hope to find out more and see what the issue is really, but in the meantime was looking for opinions to see what others thought or if maybe this had happened to someone (I am sure it has), and they could relate to it.



MissMagnolia -> RE: submissives playing mental games? (6/1/2008 3:28:33 AM)

Interrogator, you have mail.......................



subtee -> RE: submissives playing mental games? (6/1/2008 3:35:47 AM)

I've been trying to think of all the reasons one could legitimately behave in this way and give her the benefit of the doubt. Of course, I can't think of every single possibility, but at the bottom of all of this, it seems to me, there is some level of dishonesty.



TysGalilah -> RE: submissives playing mental games? (6/1/2008 4:20:24 AM)

2 mos
she already says she loves you...
 
you limit the time you are available...we all have stuff we deal with  but  how are you providing for and building her trust during the time you cannot see her ?
 
she's perhaps trying to sort out alll the feelings she is having..many probably very new and hard to understand why so intense...  how are you addressing those? or is she even bring them to you????  if not that could be playing havoc with her internal trust stuff......trust in herself and trust in you..
she could be backing down because she doesnt know how to deal with all those feelings alone.    they can be scary.
 
2 mos is a short time.  It's hard to say where your relationship has progressed to at this point but...can a deep level of trust and trusting and trustworthyness really have had enough time to truly develope??
 
you might be expecting more of each other and each others reactions and commitment than the longevity realistically provides..
 
only you two can answer these questions
and only you two can decide whether what you have is worth enough to continue..
 
personally
I wouldn't assume.
ask
talk
listen
listen
ask more
and decide to be as open with your own self as you would like her to be with you.
its risky ..those emotions and feeling exposed
but is really the only way the both of you will find out about each others trustworthyness.
 
how do you know her hesitations and change of plans are not due to her questioning your trustworthyness?  and you dont say what you have done to build that in her.
 
time invested...is really the thing that will answer your questions. ....and taking a step back from anything physical and focusing on the emotional and the basic foundation of trust.   imo.
 
good luck
 



MasterFireMaam -> RE: submissives playing mental games? (6/1/2008 12:39:50 PM)

A relationship, do well, often needs very little input. If you want to know what's up, be willing to be vulnerable and put your cards on the table...then make it clear you expect her to do the same. It sound like there is insecurity and trust issues on your part and some indecision and relationship issues on hers. You'll need to let her know, right up front, what you really do want out of the relationship. If sex is important, be sure to include that...don't say what you think she wants to hear. Then, ask her why she's flip-flopping back and forth about seeing you. If you feel you've gotten an honest answer, then you have something to work with.

Master Fire



Maya2001 -> RE: submissives playing mental games? (6/1/2008 3:41:56 PM)

Does she have an active profile ?  Possibly another Dom was vieing for her attention..things did not turn out as planned or he did not seem like greener pastures ...so now she dicides she would rather stay with you.....just one pssible scenario 



chamberqueen -> RE: submissives playing mental games? (6/1/2008 4:28:51 PM)

Speaking as a woman... : )

Years ago, when I was engaged, my fiance would work in another city all week and come home on the weekends.  At first I loved that the first thing he wanted to do was have sex, but then there were times that it bothered me.  I would start to question myself:  Is he happy to see me or does he just want sex.  She may be having an emotional mood swing where she sees no other value in herself than that of a sexual object. 

In my current situation, for the first time I was going to have an upcoming vanilla night with my Master; cooking Him dinner and just chatting.  I found out that He wants to also have a session, and part of me felt very let down.  I wanted the chance to serve without sex.  Don't get me wrong; I love the sex.  I just wanted to offer something else of value.  That may be exactly how she is feeling.  She may feel a need to hear from you that there are other things about her that you enjoy.  (And maybe I'm just projecting my own feelings onto her - so really, as always, it is best to discuss it with her directly.)



xxblushesxx -> RE: submissives playing mental games? (6/1/2008 5:49:38 PM)

"due to her living situation which is not for this discussion. "

Therein lies your answer.



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