accepting after care

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persephonee -> accepting after care (6/2/2008 5:46:39 PM)
i carefully set up a small group of regular play partners. its been going really well in every way and we are all friends outside of play. i did this in order to play and explore safely but in a relatively unemotional way...not that there is not emotion. But no one is in danger of falling in love or wanting more etc... my problem is, that, outside this circle, i have started seeing someone that is less of a friend and more on the potential partner side of things and i have discovered that i have a problem accepting the type of aftercare he likes to provide. i have never been the type of girl that needs to be taken down from the cross and wrapped in a blanket and have water fetched....i generally get down myself and start laughing and talking as soon as i can speak again. But again...this is different somehow. i have trouble with accepting his words and being held etc...it just hits too close to home or something...im already spacing...and if hes too nice then i start to cry or just feel things too intensely...it nearly makes me hesitant to play with him. i really do think before i say yes to a date with him because i dont know what to do with all that intensity afterwards. He really wants it to be aftercare too...he doesnt let me "change the subject" by having sex or anything but the holding and the talking and the ahhhhh....i really have trouble even saying all of it. Is this common or have i lost my everlovin mind?

Evility -> RE: accepting after care (6/2/2008 6:20:11 PM)
We don't do the traditional aftercare thing. She doesn't want it. She says it takes away from the feelings she gets during play. We usually just collapse or fuck and then collapse. You're not alone. I can see aftercare if a submissive needs or wants it afterward but I have always thought it was for her benefit. It appears in your case that he's the one who needs it. Tell him what you said here - that you think twice each time you get together with him and it makes you hesitant to play with him and it's only because of the aftercare issue. All you can do is be honest. If he'd dead set on it then go from there and do what you have to do. Do not get rid of that stable of play partners just yet. :)

allurette -> RE: accepting after care (6/2/2008 6:25:54 PM)
Hrm. I don't think that it's a big deal. When I first got together with my dominant I wasn't comfortable enough with Him to fully appreciate the after care. I'd usually just say I'm okay and brush it off. But now that I love Him and such, I like it. So maybe you'll grow to love it. Maybe not. Whatever it is good luck!

DesFIP -> RE: accepting after care (6/2/2008 6:25:57 PM)
It sounds as though you've been protecting yourself from potential relationships by putting up this tough barrier. But he won't accept that and is forcing you into acceptance of your own vulnerability. To me, that sounds like a great thing in a potential partner, especially a dominant one. You need to talk to him about how this is making you feel although I'd bet money on it that he knows. And that this vulnerable, emotional response is what he wants, not just the physical. It's easy to let someone hurt you and walk away, it's a lot harder to show your vulnerable underbelly and trust that he won't hit you when you're down. I guess it's up to you if this is a good time to explore those old hurts that make you like this, and whether or not you're ready to heal from them. Talk to him.

katie978 -> RE: accepting after care (6/2/2008 6:36:56 PM)
I suppose that the thing to do would be to talk to him about it. I can't say as I've ever really dealt with this, usually I'm just exhausted and happy to accept the blanket and the water, and if any deep staring into each other eyes' happens, it's a result of my staring blankly into space trying to recover. However, if the relationship talk and holding makes you uncomfortable, ask him to let up. Tell him flat out that it makes you uncomfortable, or fudge the truth a little and tell him you get non-verbal and talking brings you out of the happy subby mind-fuzziness. If you're thinking about stopping playing with him because of it, it's a legitimate issue that ought be discussed in one form or another. Still, there are worse problems to have than too much emotional connectiveness.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: accepting after care (6/2/2008 6:41:46 PM)
Why are you so afraid of feeling so intensly? It's not bad to have that fear, but it should be understood and not allowed to control you. If you really aren't ready to go to that edge for yourself yet, then you need to clearly communicate that. It might be a compatibility issue that goes deep and should be dealt with now. It's common enough- s-types tend to be the control freaks.

persephonee -> RE: accepting after care (6/2/2008 7:05:40 PM)
Ack!...my throat closed up a little there...ya know its just that play is soo intense as it is. i can do the vulnerable thing as it relates to play and i play hard. Playing is an escape for me as well...i play hard enough to scrape off my grind...responsibilities, obligations, duties...when the scene is over im clean. It just seems a bit unfair somehow that this particular time is chosen to delve into things that are so sensitive or personal out of the context of a committed relationship... i thought about it as being his need that i was filling...and tried to keep a distance that way, but it just seems like he wants to get in there so to speak and who am i to really fight that....except that i am unowned and basically unprotected as well. So sometimes i feel like its an intrusion...and sometimes i feel like he wants more. But mostly i just feel....and who wants to do that??hehe... Someday and in the right circumstances i will be in a committed relationship and it will more than likely be D/s...and in that case i could feel safe in that sort of mental...involvement. But until then wouldnt it behoove me to protect myself?

natasha66 -> RE: accepting after care (6/2/2008 7:44:41 PM)
i have trouble accepting it, too. i know it's because in a previous relationship it was NEVER done. i was recently a little freaked out when my Dom now got me something to drink after we had a session. But i do have to admit, it was a nice feeling. To be able to talk and snuggle after playing was new to me, but wonderful. In fact, EVERYTHING in my current relationship is new, and i am still getting used to being treated WELL...and yes, it's a little odd.....

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: accepting after care (6/2/2008 9:32:39 PM)
If that is what protecting yourself at this point happens to mean, then by all means do so. As I said, be sure it is actually what is best for who you are and not your actual fear speaking. Also be prepared for it to be enough of an issue that you'll lose him as a play partner- this isn't a bad thing, you both deserve happiness. I understand for YOU that THIS activity partnered in THAT way is something you save for a Ds long term commitment. But he doesn't share that value. The question now is, exactly how important is that activity in that form to both of you, is there a place you can both meet and be happy with or is it just too disparate?

leakylee -> RE: accepting after care (6/2/2008 10:17:31 PM)
i understand totally. the intensity and vulernablity can be scary. i do better accepting aftercare from my girlfriends than i do from the doms i have played with. sometimes it is just to intense. it took a while for me to even able to accept that. i used to prefer to process it all myself. talk to him. give yourself and him some time and space. i bet as you grow more comfortable your defenses will drop and you will open to it. good luck lee

rubberpet -> RE: accepting after care (6/2/2008 11:28:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: persephonee i carefully set up a small group of regular play partners. its been going really well in every way and we are all friends outside of play. i did this in order to play and explore safely but in a relatively unemotional way...not that there is not emotion. But no one is in danger of falling in love or wanting more etc... my problem is, that, outside this circle, i have started seeing someone that is less of a friend and more on the potential partner side of things and i have discovered that i have a problem accepting the type of aftercare he likes to provide. i have never been the type of girl that needs to be taken down from the cross and wrapped in a blanket and have water fetched....i generally get down myself and start laughing and talking as soon as i can speak again. But again...this is different somehow. i have trouble with accepting his words and being held etc...it just hits too close to home or something...im already spacing...and if hes too nice then i start to cry or just feel things too intensely...it nearly makes me hesitant to play with him. i really do think before i say yes to a date with him because i dont know what to do with all that intensity afterwards. He really wants it to be aftercare too...he doesnt let me "change the subject" by having sex or anything but the holding and the talking and the ahhhhh....i really have trouble even saying all of it. Is this common or have i lost my everlovin mind? persephonee, everyone is hardwired differently. Mistress and I are strong believers in aftercare, but I feel it should be up you, the sub, in your situation. If he is playing with you for both of you to get your rocks off, the aftercare should go along the same lines. He wouldn't beat you with a bullwhip if you didn't want, so why should he provide you with aftercare that puts you in a weird/awkward headspace? I recommend talking to him and setting ground rules before the next play session. If after you are finished and you'd rather fall to your knees in a giggle fit, then he should let you. I'm sure you thank him for a good session and you extend your appreciation, so he should take comfort in the fact that your giggle fit is a sign of a job well done. Personally, I'm a cuddler afterwards, but I also get incoherently "stupid", too. The last time Mistress wailed on my ass with a flogger, I was beyond subspace. Afterwards, She pulls my tightly towards Her and just rubs my sore bottom and praises me for taking more than She thought I could. She said that I responded by curling up really tight to Her and said, "I saw god tonight and she was pretty!", all while I began to "pet" Her hair like a two-year-old pets a dog! LOL

delilou -> RE: accepting after care (6/3/2008 12:15:01 AM)
He asks if im ok, I say yes, and we move on to talking to generalities, I would not cope with more aftercare much better then u, I see ur point

DesFIP -> RE: accepting after care (6/3/2008 3:48:43 AM)
I understand that you save this for partners, not for casual playmates. But you're looking at him as a potential partner, and now you know that you can have this connection with him. And possibly he needs to know ahead of time that you will have this connection with him to determine if you're a good fit also. Talk to him about it. Because if he requires this, and you can't do it, then you both need to know sooner that you aren't compatible.

persephonee -> RE: accepting after care (6/3/2008 4:20:27 AM)
Thank you everyone...i slept on it and decided to talk to him. He is reasonable and sane and i think if i remain positive and honest ill be able to let him know how i feel. Hell know just what to do about it. LA...i think it might just BE fear of the intensity. i dont allow fear to run me in any other venue, so im not going to in this one. Thanks again everyone....

metalmiss -> RE: accepting after care (6/3/2008 2:45:18 PM)
In my opinion aftercare is one of the more important parts of any scene or session. Whether its a warm hug, or being smothered in a warm blanket and held tightly until the trembling passes and i come back to my senses.. While i can understand not needing or wanting that kind of aftercare from casual playmates, if its somebody i consider to be a partner then its not a big deal to me, i don't find it difficult to accept. If He's just beaten the living daylights out of me, its nice to have a cuddle afterwards, it completes the circle, it soothes and calms me. Perhaps the only way to accept it is to let go and reach the depths beyond simple physical playing.

Lashra -> RE: accepting after care (6/4/2008 3:17:29 AM)
My malesub and I truly believe in aftercare, however for him after a play session he seems not to want the holding and talking. He seems content to just lay there next to me whereas I need the holding and talking, afterall many of us Dom/me types have our own Domspace that we need to come down from. So I think for each person this is going to be very individual. I've asked him why he doesnt seem to need the holding and talking and as of yet we haven't exactly figured it out. It seems when he is in subspace he is more focused on the sensations from the pain and can only think on a "primal" level so perhaps that has something to do with it. ~Lashra

HalloweenWhite -> RE: accepting after care (6/4/2008 3:54:50 AM)
Lol@ "Lost my everlovin mind". E/everyone's different, W/we A/all want what W/we want. Theres nothing wrong with you because you don't want need aftercare, youre just different-because you're an individual. Have you told Him you don't want aftercare and the reasons why?, if He doesn't it'll help Him; and you never know He may love that He doesn't need to be gentle with you after a scene ;).

RavenMuse -> RE: accepting after care (6/4/2008 4:40:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: persephonee i have trouble with accepting his words and being held etc...it just hits too close to home or something...im already spacing...and if hes too nice then i start to cry or just feel things too intensely...it nearly makes me hesitant to play with him. It isn't something you want or need from casual playpartners... you aren't intimate with them on an emotional level....when He does it it makes you feel VULNERABLE... newsflash, if you are in submission to Him then you ARE vulnerable. Fine you are scared, hence the 'run away' reaction.... do you WANT a 'relationship'? or going to spend the rest of your life just having playpartners and casual shags? Looks like that door maybe open, upto you, are you brave enough to face that fear and step through it?

RavenMuse -> RE: accepting after care (6/4/2008 5:01:06 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP It sounds as though you've been protecting yourself from potential relationships by putting up this tough barrier. But he won't accept that and is forcing you into acceptance of your own vulnerability. To me, that sounds like a great thing in a potential partner, especially a dominant one. Should have read the rest of the thread before responding... for once it looks like We are on the same wavelength, seeing the same things in what the OP presented.

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