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RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/3/2008 11:40:36 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		I think neediness as you have descriped here isn't really appealing in any one. There seems to be an assumption, however, that it's generally more ok for the sub to have these tendencies than the Dominant. My guess is that it's because of a certain degree of weakness to be needy and Doms aren't allowed to be weak while subs are.

But, what about Dominants, such as myself, who have daily contact that must be initiated by the slave? I state right off the bat that I want it that way because it makes me feel wanted and important and I need that for a relationship to work. Does stating the need right up front take out some of the negative 'neediness'?

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/3/2008 11:48:14 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		Master Fire, you set your expectations as "you will contact me every day" which I don't see as needy unless when (if) they fail to meet your expectations, you whine and cry about them not loving you anymore.  Perhaps it's all in the delivery.

Perhaps I have little tolerance for whining on either side of the slash. 

Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/3/2008 11:55:10 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		I don't whine about it, but I do attempt to correct it early on. As the relationship becomes deeper, I don't feel the need for it as much and so I'm more apt to let it slide with nothing more than a comment. My girl misses a day every week or so. I let her know that I noticed she didn't call. But, because our bond is strong, I don't really feel the need to go much beyond that. I know that she's here for me when I need her and that, ultimately, is the bottom line.

But, honestly, when I'm in a low cycle of my bipolar, I CAN have a little pity party about how so and so hasn't called or IMed since x days/weeks ago. I usually keep all that to myself because I know it's a symptom of the low cycle and not reality percieved in a normal fashion. In fact, I comment on it as a symptom, just like I do with racing thoughts or insomnia or the irrational fear I can get at that time, too and it all goes under my 'mental health' tag.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to CalifChick)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/3/2008 11:55:22 PM   
Zarine


Posts: 32
Joined: 9/9/2007
Status: offline 		I have honestly had this problem.  When I met my first dom I was really into him and really attracted to him.  Then I noticed that he was constantly saying "I miss you" to me.  I always said "I miss you too" because I meant it.  But one day I told him that I didn't mind him saying "I miss you" but he should expect me to say it back to him all the time.  I'm not the kind of person that says "I love you" frequently or compliments people frequently.  I see people who fish for compliments or need to hear things like that all the time as insecure individuals.  I took my Dom's obsession with needing me to affirm my feelings for him as in insecurity about my feelings towards him, not that I wasn't utterly affectionate, and constantly.  I know that with new relationships sometimes it's hard to really be sure about how someone feels about you, but there's a level at which insecurity becomes absolutely ridiculous.  I ultimately left this Dom because he treated an argument we had (which was a result of my initial comment about the "I miss you" situation) in a very very childish manner.  He was a great Dom in many ways, but I wouldn't be suprised if part of his Dominant nature was based on insecurities about himself.

One of the things I seek out in a Dom is self respect and self affirmation.  If someone is extremely needy then I see them as lacking in those qualities.  I hate to sound like the people that say "You aren't a Dom/sub if you don't follow these specific criteria", but I see a true Dom as someone who is self confident and that is why he is in charge, not the need to dominate someone because they don't feel good about themselves for who they are.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/4/2008 12:48:20 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I think it's kind of funny that there are some certain lines drawn in the responses to this question.  From what I'm seeing, female subs are harsher on this, than the male sub who spoke up.  Also, the Dommes seem to be together on this.

After the munch we were attending tonight was over, My sub and I were talking outside.  Just a quiet moment together after the meal had ended.  Out of the blue, I asked him, "With all of the Dommes out there, why did you pick Me?"  He just answered, "Because you're you."  I was satisfied with that.  I didn't find it to be a needy statement, and it isn't the type of thing that I ask often.  I just wanted to know.

What I do often ask is his reaction to different forms of play.  Usually, I'll ask him immediately after a scene, and then again a day or two later.  I want to know if I've read him right.  What worked well for him and what didn't, so that I can use that information for the next time.  It's not about how well I did.  It's about how he enjoyed the experience and how I incorporate that into a future time.

Along with what DV said, My sub likes physical (non-sexual) attention.  Whether I chose to hold his hand, kiss his forehead, or any of the other things I do.  If he weren't like that, we probably wouldn't be a good match. 


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Zarine)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/4/2008 1:04:14 AM   
Zarine


Posts: 32
Joined: 9/9/2007
Status: offline 		Your response makes perfect sense to me LadyPact, but there is a difference between asking how someone felt in a certain situation and asking them constantly "do you love me," "am I pretty," "do you miss me" . 

I have no problem with someone asking me how I feel right after a "scene" or something like that, but if they feel insecure about how I feel otherwise, it gets a bit annoying.  If I feel secure in my feelings for someone I don't see a need to announce them all time.  I don't tell my dad I love him all the time, he knows it.  For that very reason I don't like a lot of compliments, I don't need them.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/4/2008 1:57:36 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I think this goes to feedback, rather than compliments.  I use various styles of play.  Some get My boy to subspace better than others.  That's just a fact.  Each one is different in this regard.  Certain things take one over the edge into space more than others.  I read people very well, but I want that confirmed. 

I love taking My boy (and Myself) to space.  I want that information.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Zarine)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/4/2008 4:12:35 AM   
trusting


Posts: 144
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Virginia
Status: offline 		i have had this experience a few times and it is VERY annoying!

i had actually asked myself if they were serious in asking these things... but out of respect did not ask them.

it just made me feel like a dumbass in knowing that i am allowing someone to Dominate every aspect of my life, yet they feel the need to ask me if it is okay! (huh?)


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"Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one." -Malcolm Forbes

(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/4/2008 4:26:59 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		To get me to say I love you is going to take a lot of work on your part. Im more of a me to or ditto type of person. Getting fucked over tends to make you cynical.

(in reply to trusting)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/4/2008 5:53:47 AM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam
I think neediness as you have descriped here isn't really appealing in any one. There seems to be an assumption, however, that it's generally more ok for the sub to have these tendencies than the Dominant. My guess is that it's because of a certain degree of weakness to be needy and Doms aren't allowed to be weak while subs are.

  I think you're spot on here, MFM.  To me, there is a delicate balance between being able to admit you have needs and being clingy.  The latter is off-putting to me in anyone, whatever they identify as.  Yet, as you say, it seems to be seen as more acceptable (and even expected to a degree) if a sub/slave/bottom acts that way.  For a dom/master/top to do so, indicates needs which much indicate weakness which is never acceptable in a "top type," right?.  You really summed it up succintly.

As a slave who is totally in love with and obedient to her Master, I can honestly say I exhibit none of the "clingy" types of behavior.  Not all of us act that way.  On the other hand, I would say Master is somewhat like BRNaughtyAngel describes hers in that He is not afraid to ask when He's feeling He needs a little reassurance.  I'm so glad about that.  I don't want a stone wall for a Master/Husband but someone who can be open and vulnerable at times without feeling "weak"................luci

< Message edited by slaveluci -- 6/4/2008 5:57:50 AM >

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(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/4/2008 5:58:57 AM   
dawntreader


Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick


Perhaps I have little tolerance for whining on either side of the slash. 

Cali



Then, this makes two of us! i agree with what DV said in her post as well - it is all in the definition of each dynamic...but whiners???? Out the door - even my own child is not allowed to whine~

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There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to CalifChick)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/4/2008 6:10:51 AM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline 		I seem to get involved high-maintenence d-types.  I don't find that kind of neediness 'undomly' and, for a long time, it was part of the attraction, at least early on.    My vanilla relationships have followed the same pattern.

I've realized it doesn't work for me in the long term.  I get burned out after a couple months.  Its dawned on me that emotional compatibility is something that is really important to creating a sustainable relationship so I've been really trying to pay attention to this sort of thing.  (Yay me!)  It doesn't matter how much I have in common with someone, if we have diametrically opposed emotional styles,  there's a good chance that we're gonna be dissapointed with each other in the long run.

But, again, I don't think this is a matter of someone being more or less dominant.


_____________________________

“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin


(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/4/2008 7:24:06 AM   
slavegirljoy


Posts: 1207
Joined: 11/6/2006
From: North Carolina, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Male and female subs - have you ever been in a relationship with a dominant partner that was so emotionally needy that it was a turn off - that it seemed too 'undominant' and thus messed with your ability to submit to them? 

No, i have never been in a relationship with any man who was like that.  But, that's because i'm not attracted to that sort of personality.  Not because i don't see that sort of characteristic as being 'undomly' but, just because that's not the type of person i want to be with.  i have never had any desire to be with a clingy person.
 
"Domliness', as well as 'subliness', like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.  What i see as being Dominant or 'undominant' isn't necessarily going to be the same for anyone else.
 
joy
Owned servant of Master David

(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/4/2008 8:03:16 AM   
BRNaughtyAngel


Posts: 1821
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam
I think neediness as you have descriped here isn't really appealing in any one. There seems to be an assumption, however, that it's generally more ok for the sub to have these tendencies than the Dominant. My guess is that it's because of a certain degree of weakness to be needy and Doms aren't allowed to be weak while subs are.

  I think you're spot on here, MFM.  To me, there is a delicate balance between being able to admit you have needs and being clingy.  The latter is off-putting to me in anyone, whatever they identify as.  Yet, as you say, it seems to be seen as more acceptable (and even expected to a degree) if a sub/slave/bottom acts that way.  For a dom/master/top to do so, indicates needs which much indicate weakness which is never acceptable in a "top type," right?.  You really summed it up succintly.

As a slave who is totally in love with and obedient to her Master, I can honestly say I exhibit none of the "clingy" types of behavior.  Not all of us act that way.  On the other hand, I would say Master is somewhat like BRNaughtyAngel describes hers in that He is not afraid to ask when He's feeling He needs a little reassurance.  I'm so glad about that.  I don't want a stone wall for a Master/Husband but someone who can be open and vulnerable at times without feeling "weak"................luci


Exactly luci!   No one wants a whiney, clingy partner who sucks the life out of 'em, but having and expressing needs, and feeling safe enough with your partner to be vulnerable....... that, to me, is essential to a relationship, for everyone in the relationship.

And we all have times when we need extra care, attention or reassurances.  I would be very upset if He was in that place of need and let some notion of "domliness" or "macho manliness" keep Him from expressing those needs to me.

We take care of each other and that means there will be times when each of us has to be the other's strength.

 

(in reply to slaveluci)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/4/2008 12:51:20 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha


In this case I am defining neediness as the emotional need for approval, acceptance ("Am I doing this right? Are you ok with me?  Do you still love me?  You haven't kissed me today, are you with me?") or the unrelenting need for attention (ie, "You don't call me enough. You didn't email me today.  You don't want to see me this weekend? Why? What am I doing wrong?")
This is actually one of the things that I deem being a Dominant for the wrong reasons. They're Dominant because they get to control the fact that their neediness gets served. They're Dominant because it hides their insecurity.

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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/4/2008 1:38:42 PM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline 		its a horrific turn off for me ... it will kill even a casual friendship on its arse

I grew up among men who were strong and stoic, they expressed their needs simply and without smothering the people around them, they remain strong even when they are in moments of weakness
- men who don't behave like this ... I cannot stand to have around me ... they actually make my stomach turn and my skin crawl

over the last few years I have unhappily had to extricate myself from situations where a Dominant just went to pieces because of his own neediness and insecurity .. i got out of there with no second thoughts and no regrets .. yes it may have been cold and uncaring of me ... but I have no interest in weak men .. none ... I find men attractive who are strong, confident, sure of themselves and of me ... who are able to trust and not in need of constant reassurance for everything

I understand that we all have needs, and that Dominants are all human .(even mine) .. but there is a way of expressing our needs without being a whining little bitch about it .... neediness that shows weakness like that .. a lack of self control, self restraint, almost even self  respect ... is a major turn off for me

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veritas, respectus honorque in corio





(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/5/2008 1:45:23 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha


Male and female subs - have you ever been in a relationship with a dominant partner that was so emotionally needy that it was a turn off - that it seemed too 'undominant' and thus messed with your ability to submit to them? 

In this case I am defining neediness as the emotional need for approval, acceptance ("Am I doing this right? Are you ok with me?  Do you still love me?  You haven't kissed me today, are you with me?") or the unrelenting need for attention (ie, "You don't call me enough. You didn't email me today.  You don't want to see me this weekend? Why? What am I doing wrong?")

Is the need for attention, for affirmation, for affection sometimes a strain on your submissive side?

Akasha



I can take pretty much any sort of behavior in moderation. We're, all of us, only human and subject to the flaws and foibles of that state of being. When it starts being detrimental to the development and growth of the relationship than it needs to be addressed and fixed in some appropriate manner (communication, therapy etc.)

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/5/2008 4:47:57 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Isn't it just a matter of compatibility? I know a woman who doesn't want any contact with her dom except for a brief call late in the week to confirm weekend get together plans. Me? I like contact several times a day. Does this make me needy and her a cold fish? Not necessarily. What it does mean is that I'm not compatible with a man who doesn't want day to day contact and she's incompatible with a man who does.

I'm not sure what point is served by describing actions in pejorative terms, except of course to allow people to feel superior to those who do things differently.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to BitaTruble)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/5/2008 5:09:27 AM   
tinytemptingone


Posts: 11
Joined: 5/26/2008
Status: offline 		I think a dom who can express feelings and admit he has emotional needs is great (not being able to do that is a red flag to me). Having said that...there are people (both dom and sub) who appear to be a bottomless pit of need.

That's more than a turn off to me, it tells me they are too emotionally insecure to sustain a relationship of any type.

When I read the original post I said to myself "switch."

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/5/2008 7:10:04 AM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		I was with a dominant that had to call me every hour or so, needed constant reinforcement on his domliness and things of that nature. After a bit it wore on my nerves as a person , it had nothing to with me being submissive. I just found it annoying in general and unproductive and left the relationship.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 40
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