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CreativeDominant -> RE: Not wanting to dissapoint (6/9/2008 7:25:30 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mypet37
quote:
ORIGINAL: Sandyshores29718
Tonight i used my safe word for the first time and i was upset with myself. So much so that it brought tears to my eyes. i had done the act before, but tonight just i couldnt go though with the pain and act...i just couldnt. my partner was not upset or disspleased, but i had felt i let him down. Has anyone else felt this and how did you handle it?
your words mirror mine exactly. I have let myself go well past needing to use my safe word. I think it has made me a little scared of certain things. At first, i didn't think that Master realized i had done this, but later realized that He knew. He never really let me go to far, but further than i felt i should have. BUT i CHOSE not to use my safe word. Because of it, i really fear and dislike something that really pleases HIM. That is much more unfortunant than using your safe word when needed. Master has sence tested me to make me use my safe word, knowing it was someting i simply could not do, and i used it. Some instances when i knew that it was something that i physically cound not pass, and to do so would have truely left me broken, i did not feel so bad using it. Other times when i was truely in mental distress and used it, i still feel ashamed of myself. I wonder, 'could i have gone longer?' there is always that lingering concern for me that perhaps i used it too soon.
Guilt is a key characteristic that submissives have in common. An innate, almost uncolntollable urger to please unconditionally - others, not only Masters, but everyone in our lives. It forces us to put ourselves last. We somehow feel we are the least important in all walks of life. There are So many out there like this that do not even realize that they are "submissive" walking in a vanilla life. you brought a trait with you from that previous vanilla life.
The very WONDERFUL thing about being owned- your Master empowers you to be able to decide that you are NOT the least important. While controlling, leading, training, molding and creating you, your Good Master will give you controll over that guilt. He will teach you how to respect yourself. He will teach you to overcome that guilt of placing your need first. It is a delicate balance, He must trust you to protect yourself, while you trust Him in protecting you.
Simply trust. i too have had to recently learn this. It is a difficult lesson.
Re: The first portion of your words that I have made bold: But why should a submissive question that any more than they question their physical limits? Mental limits are just as important, in my opinion, as the physical ones and in some instances, more so. The pain from going overboard on something physical will go away eventually (usually) but the mental agony can go on, whether it be the memory of the physical challenge or mental agony purposely induced for mental agony. Many dominants love to play with the mind...I know I do...but I also know that I do my best to know that person's mind and to be ever-watchful when I am playing mental games. BUT...it helps tremendously in this arena to have the feedback.
Re: the second part I have made bold. Careful...words such as shaping, molding, training are sometimes looked upon with disdain here.
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