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VulgarIntellects -> Outing a submissive (6/5/2008 7:10:47 AM)
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This is a question that many of you have had to face in your day to day lives, and one I used to face as a kinky dominant man (though not for a good lot of years, until recently). How to handle what in poker we would call your 'table image' or more simply, how the general public perceives you. In some locales being seen as 'perverted' is a social faux pas, and if you've a business need in that locale, you might find things quite difficult. There are of course familial concerns, and various other reasons one might choose to keep their lifestyle under wraps, not the least of which might simply be that you're generally a private person.
Personally I overcame this fear a long time ago. I'm nearly 40 now and haven't hidden (though neither broadcast) my lifestyle for some 15 years-even explaining to my Father, a somewhat conservative man in several ways, that I preferred submission from my partner within the context of a relationship. He didn't dig the idea, but still loved me till he passed away.
Lately I've been confronted with this problem all over again, although only indirectly.
I recently married a woman who submitted to me several years ago, from afar. She's British but moved to the States a few months ago to be with me. Things are going quite well, generally. There is however an issue that's cropped up, or perhaps better said, a kink in our kink. She is a very private person where her sexuality and lifestyle are concerned. She fears exposure, and is in an industry where a worst case scenario re: being outed might very well become more than a little bit troublesome. It's a lot of ifs ands and buts - and several unlikely events would have to take place consecutively for it to become a relevancy in her career, but as we like to say to one another; APE-G (anything's possible, even god).
Naturally I desire to soothe her fears, but have been at a loss as to how to proceed. For the time being I'm simply more private than I have been in many years, and am attempting to simply let her find confidence in exposing herself at her own pace, and in her own time. You know, all that warm-snuzzly supportive stuff.
There is an ugly core to this issue however. She feels (and I must say she's not wrong in all circumstances, since I've seen it happen a couple of times myself, although only with lifestylers who bring their own expectations to the interaction) that being seen as a submissive means other people's notion of her is automatically degraded to one extent or another. That people will think her weak willed (which she isn't--very strong woman indeed!), unintelligent (another real laugher since she's intensely bright!), or just generally passive. All qualities that would be counterproductive in her job, and in her life.
Ultimately, she has not yet (she's only 28 recently) come to grips with who she really is at core, and perhaps isn't precisely sure of who that person is, which would make coming to grips with whatever reality is created therein, impossible.
What I'd like to know from others who've experienced this, is how you've meshed the maintenance of your public persona and had that jive well with your private life. Or better, if you've been in a relationship with someone who was at odds with themselves over this issue, how did you support them, and what were the results?
All responses are appreciated.
Vulgar Intellects (Male half)
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